I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

Again, what are you going to do?

Seriously OP. Do something. Anything! Take some action! This is your life. You’re in it. Take it.

Your poor children seem to be crying out for some actual parenting. How sad that you seem more concerned with your own feelings than with what’s best for them

He knows, OP. He knows your don't discipline him because you're scared of losing him.

You could say to him, "That would make me very sad not to see you, but I still can't let you hurt DS2. And I can't keep your violence quiet."

You've given him a consequence to his behaviour now, indirectly through your mum. He's kicking against it because he knows what he was doing was bad. Stay firm.

But at the same time as not backing down, you can tell him you love him and you'll always be here when he wants to get in touch.

You have to be brave, to face the possibility of losing him and do the right thing anyway.

I think it's incredibly incredibly unlikely that he'll really do what he threatened. It's just like a tantrum, really. For once he hasn't got his own way. Once he calms down, it'll probably be forgotten.

But stay strong! Don't apologise for talking to your mum, and if he's violent again, be prepared to follow through.

It's an excellent consequence, OP. He leaves the house, so you protect your DS2, but DS1 it's looked after and you know he's ok.

You're more concerned about your older son not liking you than the fact your home is unsafe. Stop with the stupid sad faces and the 'oh I'm so tired' and the 'oh I've got a headache' and PARENT.

Your son is the only one talking sense in your house.

The thing he said that has upset me is “have you told nan that you can’t control your 8 year old child and he runs the house” he has gone out and has said once lockdown is completely over he doesn’t even want to see me again

But he's right.

And, tbh, this is often the outcome of shit parenting - that your adult children don't want to maintain a relationship with you

OP,

Your son is quite right in what he said. You don't want anyone to know of your shortcomings & failures. This is all about you & your feelings. Your priorities are so skewed, it is frightening. I hope your son has a very honest open heart to hearrt with his Grandmother, vents all of his concerns & resentments about your lack of parenting & how damaging his home life is ...& if your Mother listens hopefully she will do something to stop it all.

Can I ask other posters, how do MN know its not a troll because I am finding it difficult to believe that someone can be so disconnected from reality when putting being drained, too tired & having headaches herself before her kids needs...& this 'tomorrow is a new day, sll I can do us try' sounds like some total BS opt out to me. Like let's pretend today didn't happen. It can't be real, can it? We are more concerned abt DS1 & DS2 & OP is concerned abt herself.....??

Spot on TodayIHaveGotThis

OP, I really think you need to ask yourself why you are so unwilling to take any action in this situation. Anything you have actually DONE has involved drafting in others (your mum) or making half hearted attempts at change but caving in at the first sign of resistance. You're so incredibly passive and self absorbed in all this. You have raised two extremely entitled children who have no respect for you and whose behaviour is regularly unpleasant at best. Its certainly not too late to turn this around for the 8 year old but you just dont seem to have it in you. I think you also need to ask yourself whether you're addicted to the drama of all this

Can I ask other posters, how do MN know its not a troll

In most cases, MNHQ cannot make this determination with certainty. They can investigate some things behind the scenes (for instance, how long someone has been on MN). And they tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. But anyone on MN could invent a fantasy life. And many Mumsnetters have done so over the years.

I hope your mother reads you the riot act, OP. I'd be well pissed off having to step in and parent your adult son, let alone that he'd been so badly dragged up that he thinks he's perfectly entitled to assault his tiny younger brother, 10 years his junior.

I'd also be asking myself if I were your mother, where the hell I went wrong with you.

Whether the OP is a troll or not (I have no reason to think she is), loads of parents find parenting incredibly difficult and don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t find it difficult to believe she is struggling with this situation at all. It sounds very difficult.

OP, since you started this thread, many different people have advised you to contact outside support - CAMHS, your GP, Children's Services, www.behaviourchange.com

What is it that is stopping you?

Ultimately if you do not continue to address ds2 behaviour, with appropriate support, ds1 will not change his perspective and behaviour. What did you feel so guilty about that you bought him games - Because ds1 hurt him and you failed to protect him or that you are making him unhappy by insisting he does as he is asked?

As to ds1 you have lost him either way for now, whether he leaves or he abuses his brother with you enabling it. Tell him respect has to be earned , and he does not have your atm. He can support you with ds2 but not with violence.

OP, you’re not finding this thread helpful, hundreds of people have given you great advice and recommend basic parenting techniques and agencies who can help you start to parent, but you’re using this thread as a blog.

@DisorganisedOrganiser
Whether the OP is a troll or not (I have no reason to think she is), loads of parents find parenting incredibly difficult and don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t find it difficult to believe she is struggling with this situation at all. It sounds very difficult.

Totally agree. So many “perfect“ parents here who just don’t get that it’s not a natural skill for everyone. Healthy meal plans which everyone sits down and discusses as a family, hour-by-hour schedules including schoolwork, exercise and family time, household chores on a rota which everyone happily adheres to, consistently applied and appropriate consequences, reward charts, mature conversations and ‘three things that went well today’.... yes everyone else has perfectly well-adjusted little cherubs and OP therefore must be a troll.

it’s not a natural skill for everyone.

This is why society's "parenthood as default" position is so damaging. If you're conflict-averse, unable to set boundaries or stand up for yourself, unalterably self-centered, you shouldn't have children!

I think it’s possible for someone who is conflict-averse to parent, they just need support in learning not to live in fear of ‘losing’ their children. The necessity of setting boundaries is often easier to spot in hindsight when things have already gone wrong, as in a parent might allow their child to have whatever they want because it’s easier or makes them happy at the time (especially if money is no object) and then they find later that this has backfired. Seems like common sense to some but not others.

Often this stuff would be balanced out by a more assertive husband/partner, but OP is doing this by herself. Also some kids have genetically more challenging temperaments than others- I’m a secondary teacher and I’ve seen siblings with exactly the same boundaries at home behave in totally different ways because of their characters.

The necessity of setting boundaries is often easier to spot in hindsight when things have already gone wrong

If only there was information about stuff like that out there, or resources people could access. You can't just get behind the wheel of a car with no previous experience, so why is it acceptable to raise a child without doing even a little bit of thinking about how you're going to do it? Weak people make bad parents, and lazy weak people make worse ones.

@ChiaWatermelon

Hi.

I’m back, I did manage to get DS(8) to come for a walk with me, well he didn’t walk he rode his scooter and said that he doesn’t want to speak to anyone or want anyone to speak to him.

I’ve told both boys that I will be cooking a simple prawn pasta for dinner and if they don’t want it they don’t want to eat it. DS(18) is accusing me of being difficult again and has said I need to show my full potential and let it shine through my cooking.

@fuckinghellthisshit Yes you’re right, growing up I wasn’t given anything extravagant for breakfast, I would get the usual cereal, toast or fruits, mum wasn’t really a good mother she’d buy us everything we wanted but was never there.

Look at the last line of your post from the other day, OP.

Sound familiar?

You criticise your mother's parenting but you're not only doing the same yourself, you're also subcontracting being a parent to her because you can't or won't.

DS1 physically assaults DS2 AGAIN and you buy him Switch games to compensate. (The Switch he's only supposed to have access to when he's earned it thorugh positive behaviour.) No consequences for DS1, and he's fully intending to keep hitting his brother.

You have failed them, Chia, and your focus is on yourself.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow I actually agree with you. But there is hope for parents who know they’re not doing well and who ask for help - the real problem is the ones who are carelessly and obliviously living their own lives with their kids as appendages, existing mainly to enhance their Facebook profiles. OP has already taken on board and implemented some advice from PP on here, and as I keep saying it really hasn’t been very long since the start of the thread! It must be hard to process such a massive volume of information all at once, and it’s reasonable that she’s worn out and perhaps not as efficient in her implementation as people would like - lots of parents are worn out! If people are patient and continue to support her then she will continue to progress.

fiddle She needs to be challenged by a real life professional as well as supported. She's too immature to use this wisely I think because she can dodge change too easily. She's also rather manipulative and seems to parent out of this unconsciously under the guise of taking advice, which only makes things more volatile. She needs proper help for her son's sake.

I have found this thread very helpful. I need some real-life help.

I have made tried to make changes. I am going to admit defeat, I do not have much fight in me left.

Soon as lock down is finished I will seek help from a professional and I am also going to contact a nanny agency, because I feel as if inviting some else into my house to help me out with DS(8) is going to be the only way he is going to behave.

I need to find myself again... I need time for myself (of course, I will hire only the best) I think DS & I will both benefit from it.

Thanking you all for your help, advice and support but I don't think there's much more to say.

Seek help from a professional now.

You can't afford to wait until lockdown ends.

@fiddlesticks345 are we reading the same thread? Since she started this thread OP's adult son has started attacking her 8yr old and she's done nothing to protect him. That's not progress, no matter how many salmon bagels she's refused to make. That's one step forward three miles back.