I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

@ChiaWatermelon I really feel for you and wish you all the best!!

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow she spoke to her son and asked his grandmother to speak to him- and the latter got a reaction. I’m not saying that’s the perfect response but it’s not nothing, she just doesn’t know how to deal with it! Being told to kick him out, which lots of mothers wouldn’t want to do, is clearly not helpful.

@ChiaWatermelon be aware that if you hire a nanny, and your child tells them that he's being physically assaulted by his brother, the nanny will HAVE to tell social services as they are mandated reporters. So i would take steps to get your adult son out of the house before you do that, or you may find that SS feel the need to remove your child.

Also, a nanny isn't going to help you be a better parent, they'll just do the job for you. Please make sure you get actual psychological help and training for yourself, otherwise what will you do on your nanny's day off?

@Fiddlesticks345 but her eldest son is still maintaining that he'll keep being violent towards the child, and OP has played her last hand.

You don't need to wait until lockdown ends and you shouldn't, because things are very tense because it's lockdown. You found yourself a group of supportive strangers virtually and used them for a week, you can find yourself a therapist, easily, don't pretend you can't act on this now.

There is support available from professionals over phone and online now, if you choose to use it. But that means admitting you are feeling defeated and need help. If you throw in the towel now with your rules, and I suspect ds2 had been on his devices freely since yesterday, then he will never respect you when you ask him to do as you choose. However you may find you reach a crisis point of exhaustion just as ds1 has with his tolerance level. If ds1 is staying in the house he needs to walk away rather than react.

Her mum also said kick him out (to her house) though!

The poor boys.

So you’ve off-loaded your responsibility for DS1 on to your mother and you now intend to offload your responsibility for DS2 on to a nanny. Do you expect to be able to find some magical Mary Poppins type creature who will miraculously restore calm and order to your dysfunctional household? I don’t envy any childcare professional stepping into this situation.

@Fiddlesticks345

Thanks.

@ChiaWatermelon

Please don't give up so easily. Find help & support, find a programme at the first opportunity & make the necessary changes.

I hope for all concerned that things change for the better.

Why do you have to wait until lockdown is over?

Upthread is a link for someone recommended that can speak to you over the phone.

You don't need a bloody nanny. You have one child of school-age, and no job! You need a parenting course and a family therapist. A nanny is not a parenting substitute. I can envisage now what will happen - you will tell the nanny DS2 can't have X until he's done Y. She will enforce this. He will cry and come to you and you will give him X because you want him to love you and you're tired and he's sad and you've got a headache. You will undermine the nanny and so she too will become ineffective, although through no fault of her own.

What PP said

I'm finding it a bit laughable that yet again you've given up and are going to delegate parenting to a nanny but you know, at least your poor son will have an adult to care for him and about him so...

Well you've achieved nearly a full thread and yet achieved absolutely nothing because you can't bare to do anything. Get a nanny and professional help after lockdown? And what do you think will happen in the meantime.!?

Throw some money at the problem that will fix everything!

I get that you are giving up.

But could you afford to recruit someone who, rather than being a nanny, would be a skilled “someone” in the house with you, who is there to support you to do the right things? Not looking after DS but helping YOU to learn how to do it yourself.
Because that’s what you need; to develop a better relationship with your child so you and he are not always in a power-struggle.
You have the control then both of you are free to have fun together.

It would be worth sacrificing a bunch of holidays and a shed-luss of smoked salmon, Switch games, takeaways etc for.

Who is starting the continuation thread? I hope she does?

I hope so. We've gone from a badly behaving younger son, and 'good' older son, to abusive to her younger son and now physically abusive older son to younger son, planned holidays in Dubai as you her son is so spoiled he can't cope with Legoland as other children are there, to grandmother raised older son, a lockdown ignoring shag, and bow a nanny for an 8 year old to ensure me time.......all in a few days. Ooh and. I dad cause he's a big time computer hacker.......have I missed anything?

Sorry I have replied, I just feel so emotionally drained (I know this is not about me) if I had one wish it would be to get things in order.

I have tried, but I have failed. I don’t want to admit defeat...

But no one here understands what I am going through.

I have tried my best to be the best mother, DS(18) is refusing to talk to me, he says that I have violated him by calling nan and that I could have spoken to him... I did try several times.

@SD1978

Look if you doubt that I am saying please don’t comment, this is my life not something for you to sit and speculate about.

I have made another thread, as someone above said that they hope I do (I didn’t want to) but I’m thankful for all the support I’ve received.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3930348-No-authority-2?watched=1

The thing he said that has upset me is “have you told nan that you can’t control your 8 year old child and he runs the house” he has gone out and has said once lockdown is completely over he doesn’t even want to see me again
He’s going through the same stage as the 8 year old, you need to ignore what he says. It would be great if you could say no but I told her my 18 yo son is close to being reported to the police for assault. He isn’t being done any favours living with you now I’m afraid.

A nanny isn’t a bad idea don’t know why people are so against. Will help reset his life to be less spoilt but a bit less traumatically as it’s a new person. That’s IF the op watches and learns rather than leaves the hard stuff to the stranger.

@timeisnotaline

Yes, I really think a nanny is needed, I think we will all benefit from it.

Wow. Unbelievable.