I have zero authority

[ChiaWatermelon]

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

and no it is not too late. Imagine in a few years time, how he will behave when you physically cannot contain him.

Just saw the post about the 18yo. Okay, you might not be able to rely on him for help, but you can still make a point of being polite to him and hopefully he will respond in kind.

Also, I'd hate to be the woman who ends up in a relationship with your son in the future.

@lottiegarbanzo sorry if I offended you, I just didn’t think before I typed that.

I don’t know what else there is to explain? Please ask questions and I will answer them all.

@JorisBonson - There’s really no need to be so horrible.

I just want to know why he is doing this, he knows how to behave himself he doesn’t do it at school or when over people are around.

He doesn't respect you because he has no idea you are worthy of respect.

He understands being respectful to other because they command it.

Seriously, the only way you are going to solve this is to put some boundaries in place.

At the moment he's a cat and you're the terrified mouse he's playing with.

IME if you take screen time away, they have a bit of a rant and a wail for a while, then they get bored and skulk off to find something else to do. In our case it's usually Lego or wooden train track.

If it's a really bad rant and wail, they go to their room until they calm down.

Very rarely, they are fireman's lifted to their room because if they are still acting like a toddler at 7/ 9 years then they'll be treated accordingly. It rarely gets to that stage because they know from experience that I do not bluff and they have the sense to go of their own accord.

I think Joris was just pointing out that you're doing your son no favours.

I had to step parenting up a notch when my eldest turned 8. I found with more than one child it was a bit of a tricky stage, actually. But you need to put boundaries in place. The idea upthread of managing screen time is great.

Punishment and reward is the answer. You have to be fair but consistent with the rules and boundaries. If he breaks a rule there has to be consequences. If he asks for something for lunch, he either eats it or goes hungry.

Don't discount reward, it does work. You could try a marble jar. For good behaviour he gets a marble into his jar. When the jar is full he can choose a gift. Bad behaviour incurs removal of a marble.

Make the jar quite small, to that a reward is easily attainable.

@BogRollBOGOF - When should I take away the devices? So I wait until he has done something wrong?

Or do I let him use them for a little while then take them? Do I have to take them or can I leave them with him but he isn’t allowed to use them?

If he's allowed screen time whenever he wants, you may feel you can't restrict it. So I'll tell you that my 12yo DS has recently been spending too much time on computer games, watching videos etc (at weekends - he's busy with school work on weekdays). So I started a new thing where I turn the WiFi off between 12 and 6. I checked with my 16yo first and she was up for it. DS said ok, but there was a lot of tears, whining and grumbling about nothing to do etc for a while. Then he'd find something to do, or we'd go out and do something together (long cycle ride one day which he really enjoyed) and by 6pm he was quite proud of himself and happy to go back on - and I was happy to let him.

So if I can suddenly put in 6 hours of no screens when my nearly-teen is not used to it, you can do something similar. Your timings can be totally different -whatever you think you can stick to, to be honest! The important thing is you then have easy consequences.

Remember warnings first, though. Don't remove screen time or give any other sanction without a warning so he knows what's coming.

Agree with lots of PPs that a combo or reward and punishment/consequences is the way to go.

1. More grown up version of 'star chart' - collect 'X' number of points in the morning for 1 hour screen time from 2/3 pm or whenever. Clear list of how he can get a point - making and eating own breakfast/going for a walk etc etc.

1. Follow through - loads of praises for positive behaviour. Consequences for negatives - no screen time.

1. Start every day with a clean slate.

Agree with the above

Do I have to take them or can I leave them with him but he isn’t allowed to use them?

Depends how much you trust him to do what you ask him to. If you think having them there will be too much temptation, remove them to make it easier for him.

Re. screen time, when we’ve introduced restrictions on screen time, we’ve sat the DC down and said something along the lines of:

We’re having a new rule from (day). Screen time won’t be allowed during these times / until schoolwork or chores are done.

And then followed through on that.

If your DS is used to having screen time whenever he likes, he’s not going to be happy about any restrictions. Crying, whining, arguing are to be expected. I’d also be inclined to remove devices altogether to avoid temptation until he’s used to not being allowed them all the time.

IME they do find something else to do once screens aren’t an option.

And as a pp said, definitely remember to give warnings before removing screen time as a punishment for bad behaviour.

In the longer term I think the pp suggestion of a parenting course is a good idea. Can you ask school or GP to refer you, or whoever diagnosed the OCD (camhs?). Online courses might be available atm
Behind OCD lies a swirl of emotions that he's struggling to communicate or manage. His behaviour is another presentation of this, no doubt exacerbated by lockdown. Yes he needs boundaries, as all children do, but he also needs to have a positive relationship with both his parents and to find other ways to express and process his emotions and to feel safe and in control.

I just want to know why he is doing this, he knows how to behave himself he doesn’t do it at school or when over people are around.

     He does it because of you. 
      It's you who needs to change, so he can.

You didn't offend me at all. I'm just reflecting back to you what you said because I think it conveys a somewhat hopeless state of mind. You sound overwhelmed. My point is that it is not hopeless, people can help.

The best thing to do with any problem is to break it down into small parts and tackle one bite-size piece at a time.

Apologies if I have mixed you up with another poster, but I think you also posted recently about your older DS and his girlfriend. There was a sense that you were nervous of upsetting him too by challenging him. It’s time to decide that you are the parent and you make the decisions. As PP said, you are their parent, not their friend, and they need you to parent them. Easier said than done, I know (as the mum of 3 DSs) but the longer you leave it the harder it will get.

@Gymntonic - I had to go down the private route in order to get him diagnosed, although he is very well behaved in school, they picked up on certain things.

Not wanting to eat school meals (his school do not encourage packed lunch, they tried to support me with him eating away from home) but it just didn’t work, when he first started the school, they told me NOT to send him with a packed lunch and they’d deal with it, but it just lead to him refusing food and crying.

Not wanting to join in on cake/food making
Not wanting to get his hands dirty/not wanting to hold hands with his friends.
Constantly wanting to wash his hands, even when he goes a wee he spends forever at the sink washing 4-5 we have had cases of the skin on his hands peeling.
He goes through at least 3 100ml bottles of hand santiser a week.

@Artesia - Hey yes that’s me, I posted about DS(18) a few days ago.

Privately diagnosing professionals are still regulated by hcpc - or should be if you've done your homework- and local camhs services often accept the diagnosis - unless they're outrageous. I think your issues here are clearly quite complex and if I was in your position I'd contact local camhs explain you have a private diagnosis of OCD, explain the deteriorating behaviour and the disengagement with education and ask what parenting support they are able to offer you. They may want to put you on a waiting list to confirm assessment or they may simply ask to see the report. Here you can access parent support and a telephone hotline even if you're on the waiting list for assessment.

He has to "earn" his device time. So, for example, a marble goes in the jar for every school task he completes without fuss. Each marble at the end of the day equates to, say, 5 minutes. But you do then have to assert yourself and take the devices away - calmly - at the end of the allotted time. Any show of defiance loses a marble. Start again next day. What triggered the ocd btw , and what support have you had for it? Your tiredness may well start to subside if your ds stop behaving in this way. At the moment they know how to wear you down.

Just seen your update. He's clearly an anxious child and the diagnosis seems valid. It's time to stop trying to square this circle all by yourself and find a way to seek support. For you, at least from friends who can help you manage the situation that's clearly hard work at the moment. And from professionals who can help you unpack, understand and alter your son's behaviours that aren't really helping either of you.
If you can't go straight to camhs, do you have a good relationship with the senco at school or with your GP? Could you phone them?
And how does your/ his relationship with his dad fit in with this? Is it a possible source of support?

@Gymntonic - Hi, Thanks. It’s just that the NHS waiting times are very long, Do I have to be referred to CAHMS? Can I do a self referral? it would be great because I know they will be able to offer him more support (such as ways on how to cope)

@LIZS - I have no idea what triggered it.