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Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
Azaziel · 27/05/2020 10:53

‘Ds has his bagel and some salad for dinner, I had to make him a fresh one. I did this to avoid what would come next. If I didn’t he would have started sulking and probably not ate anything at all’.
This is where you’re going wrong EXACTLY op. You immediately gave in and pandered as usual. I’d have been happy to eat a bagel from the fridge after 2 or 3 days. But his highness had to have a fresh one after a couple hours, because you cba to put your foot down. You think you’re giving yourself a easier life giving into him in the short term. You need to start thinking about long term goals here op. You need to start putting your foot down and being consistent. It’s a new day today and a chance to make a fresh start. But you can’t let him get away with a single thing now. If you make new rules and still get away with stuff, then he knows he has the power to change the rules and will fight you every step of the way. His behaviour will get worse, not better

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 11:01

I’ve just had enough!!

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 11:02

@Azaziel - Sorry yes, that was yesterday not today. I didn’t make him one today when he asked for it.

OP posts:

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CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/05/2020 11:05

Good for you, OP! It's not nice seeing that petulant side of your children - and what you're doing now will help him stop behaving that way in the long run, because it'll no longer get him what he wants.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/05/2020 11:37

Sorry x-post and I didn't notice your messages.

Hold on in there - it'll be a rocky few days. Think about that well-earned treat at the end of the day!

pinktaxi · 27/05/2020 11:41

I've noticed a horrible downturn in attitude now ds (7) has so much access to his x box!

fuckinghellthisshit · 27/05/2020 11:51

You're going to have hell for a few days OP. Deep breaths and get busy. Ignore him. If you love cooking maybe do some batch cooking so it reduces questions and discussions about meals.
I would say that after todays nonsense breakfast is to be made by them - toast or one type of cereal. Lunch is dictated by you - a bagel as everyone seems fixated on them, then dinner they can each choose one night a week but they must help cook that night.

Being busy is very very important over the next few days. Have no time for his shit. Clean out your wardrobe, restack the bookshelves. Everytime someone starts moaning roll your eyes, sigh and say "I am really busy can you help me, and allocate a menial task"

Do not bend!!

In a few days have a meeting and set rules. If they nag and whinge be clear "I am at the end of my tether, I thought if I was giving and kind you would be too but that has not worked so I have taken advice from experts and this is the way now, be quiet". I would allocate say 3 hours of Playstation or whatever and deduct 10 mins every time after a warning. Then stick to it. Things will improve.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 12:11

It’s near to lunch time now, what should I offer DS(8)? And I really want us to go for a walk, how do I do it?

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/05/2020 12:22

If he hasn't eaten yet today (?) then don't be too hard - maybe ask him what he wants but say again that there'll be no alternative. Consistency makes learning new rules easier, after all!

fuckinghellthisshit · 27/05/2020 12:23

I would assume for starters that he'll eat nothing and refuse the walk. On that basis yoiu won't be disappointed.

"We're havign bagels for lunch, do you want cream cheese and salmon or butter and ham"
If he says neither say "suit yourself" and eat a bagel.

I used to offer one meal and say "there is always fruit in the fruit bowl and bread in the bread bin, help yourself".

The walk is tricky. Maybe say "we are having a walk, if you do it with no whinging you can suit yourself when you get home, if not, the playstation is away until tomorrow."

If you get him out on the walk then you must drop all the exhausted mum stuff and be fun - play with him and have fun. When he is rude and silly be strong - when he is well behaved you must show him the reward of your positive attention.

You need to make a show of strength and not back down. He likes the meals you offer and is just being a pain, they aren't things he hates, and it's a lovely day for a walk.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 12:45

He opted for a yogurt, before telling me that he doesn’t like me.

I’ve told me that we will be going for a walk at 1.15 and if he is not going to come with me the laptop will be taken away.

OP posts:
matchboxtwentyunwell · 27/05/2020 12:48

Hang in there, OP. It will likely get worse before it gets better. but for it to get better, you have to stand tough.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 27/05/2020 13:01

he doesn’t like me

Grin aw bless! I used to reply "but I still love you" - it really wound them up!

FTstepmum · 27/05/2020 13:18

I think he has far too much of the control here - he views you as his adult servant.

Let him know that until he is old enough to earn an income, he is dependent on your goodwill.

In our house, it's simple cereals and toast for breakfast - and they have to clear up after themselves.

The more choice or options you give a child, the less satisfied they are with what they have.

mbosnz · 27/05/2020 13:29

My answer to 'I hate you', or 'I don't like you', was to thank them enthusiastically for giving such a clear indication I was doing my job as a parent well.

I'm not there to be their friend, I'm there to be their parent.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 13:39

I guess my 8 year old has won this afternoon, I really thought I was making progress and I actually thought he was going to listen and come for a walk.

He gave me his laptop himself and said that he is going to watch television and I can’t take the television away.

He seems so unbothered, why is he doing this to me?

I would have went for a walk by myself but DS(18) is napping.

OP posts:
Azaziel · 27/05/2020 13:41

Can you send him to his room op?

fuckinghellthisshit · 27/05/2020 13:43

Excellent, pop the laptop away, he's starting to get it. I cut the plug off the tv on one memorable occasion.
You need to stop caring if he likes you in the day to day. When mine said such nonsense I smiled and said 'well, you're lucky I love you aren't you?' Then get on with jobs.

FourPlasticRings · 27/05/2020 13:44

Well, you've made your ultimatum now, OP, so you stick to it. You said you'd take the laptop off him. Take it. Do not return it today, or tomorrow, or the next day, until he comes on the bloody walk with you.

Put what you've taken off him out of reach, wake the 18 year old and tell him to please watch his brother because you're off for a walk.

CommonFlirtyLooksAboutThirty · 27/05/2020 13:48

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this.

It's your parenting choices so far. That's what you've done. But hopefully, you'll stick with the change and you'll see an improvement.

Why can't you take the television away? Presumably he means one in his bedroom? A TV in your bedroom is a privilege at 8! My children didnt get one until their teens and with very strict rules around them. Which they willingly accepted and abides by.

Vodkacranberryplease · 27/05/2020 13:50

This isn't going to fix itself overnight! Or without some serious tantrums! Once you absorb that it's easier. Of course he doesn't like you, no one wants to lose their power! But what he will do when eventually you get control is LOVE you. And be happy.

Stick with it and expect storms. If you're not quite sure there's loads of great nanny programs on telly (super nanny etc) that will give you inspiration and make you see why you are doing it.

Taking his laptop for an hour while you walk is not a punishment. Taking it for the day is. I'd take it full stop and give it back when he earns it personally. And check the WiFi because he's probably using the tv instead.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 27/05/2020 13:50

@Azaziel he is already in his room, he doesn’t really stay downstairs with me. I am just going to leave him to it today.

@fuckinghellthisshit thank you Smile every time he says he doesn’t like me I always tell him I love him.

@FourPlasticRings I am going to wake him up soon, he shouldn’t even be napping at his age.

OP posts:
fuckinghellthisshit · 27/05/2020 14:01

Yes, he lucky to have you, tell him so.
You need to stop seeking their approval and start demanding respect. You are late for your walk, as pp suggested. Make older brother look after him and go for your walk.
When you get home, I fully clean the living room with some nice loud uplifting music on.

YummiestBut · 27/05/2020 14:28

Don't leave it for today. If he plays up for dinner remove his TV. Explain this to him before hand.. it not nice to pounce in with new rules they are not aware if.

Tomorrow at breakfast if he doesn't behave then he loses his Nintendo for an extra day.. the next time he is rude its the lap top and then the TV for an extra day.

Give rewards too. Maybe when he has had all 3 items for one week he gets a amazon reward.

Its hard, I know its sometimes easier to give in.. but in the long run he needs this as much as you do. Its for his own good.

HoppingPavlova · 27/05/2020 14:40

He gave me his laptop himself and said that he is going to watch television and I can’t take the television away.

Does it work via a remote? If so take the remote. May be different to ours but I think they work via remote only? Don’t think there is anything on the actual tv itself to work it or change channels, if so stuffed if I know where on ours.