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Original poster

I have zero authority

999 replies

ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 09:52

Hi,

Mum of two boys here, aged 8 & 18. Looking for some help and advice on how I can become a stronger mother with some authority in my house.

I love both of my sons to bits, and I wouldn’t change them for the world, but sometimes I feel bullied and manipulated, DS (18) isn’t too bad, DS (8) is the problem, I have tried to ignore it hoping that he will grow out of it.

He is very well behaved at school, but at home he is a completely different person

He is miserable, he is always moaning about something.

He is an extremely fussy eater, take this morning for an example, he asked for a salmon cream cheese bagel once out in front of him he decided he didn’t want it.

Since being off school he has refused to join in on the online classes (at the start of the pandemic, the school ordered for every child to get dressed and attend online assembly, he did it the first day then decided that he wasn’t going to do it again)

It’s been a struggle to get him out of the house for daily exercise and supermarket trips, he just sulks the whole time I find myself bribing him with amazon credit.

The list goes on.

OP posts:
SunshineSmellsLikeSummer · 26/05/2020 13:59

Plus natural consequences work better than random ones. Along with 'earning' rather than 'losing' screen time.

Eg he wants to go to the park. He needs to tidy his room first. If he dies then great. "Brilliant , you tidied your room so we have time to go the the park now". If he doesn't or kicks up a fuss about it and takes ages to do it, "what a shame it's too late now and I've got to start making dinner" etc.

BertiesLanding · 26/05/2020 13:59

Stop being scared your DS will hate you; start putting in boundaries. "Love" and "boundaries" are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact, they are interdependent.

1AngelicFruitCake · 26/05/2020 14:05

I think using screen time as a reward is the way to go!
You need to let him know your new expectations and brace yourself but keep to them!
Meals from now on will be what is given and that Is it. He will not starve!
No schoolwork? No screen time.
He needs to start earning everything he’s getting.
Credit on amazon should be rewarding hard work not appeasing him!

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Families
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 14:17

@TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead - Yes Dad is in the picture but there was a recent situation in where I allowed DS to stay with him and Dad wanted to keep him longer so I had to go and get him.

@AddedHiccup - Bagel is in the fridge (wrapped in cling film of course) nothing much is happening, it’s got to a stage where I am used to this behaviour, but I know it’s not right.

@lottiegarbanzo - DS(18) isn’t too bad, he is helpful and cleans up after himself, DS(8) also has OCD and I am a very clean person, I also like everywhere and everything to be spotless, but it’s like DS(8) is always on the hunt for something to moan and complain about, he is just so miserable, you wouldn’t understand.

@LIZS - Yes I know he should be making his own breakfast with my supervision, I guess I am the reason why he is like this because I do everything for him and spoil both boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 14:18

I dread to think what he would do if I took away the devices.

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 26/05/2020 14:19

Why are you pandering to his every whim with no discipline in place? No wonder he’s a brat!!

Herpesfreesince03 · 26/05/2020 14:23

You ‘dread to think what would happen if you took away his devices’? He might actually start behaving himself. I’m seeing too many posts like these nowadays. People scared of their own child. He’s 8yo ffs

lazylinguist · 26/05/2020 14:28

I said “this it what you asked for... ok, is there something else you’d like”

Well no wonder he behaves like that then! You need to stop pandering to his every whim and take back some control. For his sake, not just for yours. I expect the reason he behaves at school is that they actually have rules and don't let him just do as he pleases!

DocusDiplo · 26/05/2020 14:31

Hey OP.
I've been having difficulties with discipline and might be a bit soft, like you. I've called my local council and registered for a parenting course called Strengthening Families. I think it will be nice to meet other parents who are struggling too!

It's not always as easy as people make out and it can be hard to change things. I think we've got into some bad patterns recently.

I'd suggest trying the sticker chart with your 8 yr old. My son was told if he earns 25 points he could have a treat (he chose some money for computer games - £5). I've been really liberal with the points. He just earned 25 today, so that's 25 times he's either done the washing up, put laundry out, done homework nice or listened the first time to an instruction.

Aside from that I've had some conversations about lockdown and how it's really difficult. I tried to remind myself and them that lockdown is tough - cos it is.

And I think sometimes some of us have trickier times parenting but I am sure he is good in many ways (and not a 'brat' as someone said earlier!).

I think you love your son's alot. Flowers

Sorry you're finding it tough.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 14:31

@Herpesfreesince03 - Do you think I am too far gone to make changes? I haven't told anyone what really goes on in the house because I'm ashamed!

OP posts:
bertuga · 26/05/2020 14:33

This reply has been deleted

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DocusDiplo · 26/05/2020 14:33

I think it's fine to roll your eyes to yourself at parents when you read posts but maybe take a minute to consider what impact your stuck-up "I'm so perfect" attitude will have on people who are struggling and have reached out for help.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 14:35

@bertuga - I hope you’re joking, I’d never lay a finger on him.
@DocusDiplo - Thank you Smile

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 26/05/2020 14:37

Do you think I am too far gone to make changes?

Of course not! Your younger child is only 8 - you have plenty of time.

Rory786 · 26/05/2020 14:47

Hi OP,
I sympathise. But I do agree with some of the other posters that you have to be firm AND consistent.
Tough love- you may feel mean but its for his own benefit.

HoppingPavlova · 26/05/2020 14:50

I said “this it what you asked for... ok, is there something else you’d like” he said he wanted strawberries and kiwis, I prepared them for him and put the bagel in the fridge hopefully he will decide he wants it later.

There is the problem and I bet it extends to all other areas as well.

In the example above he has 3 choices:
1/ eat it
2/ don’t eat it and he can make himself something else
3/ don’t eat it and go hungry until next round of scheduled food
What should not be an option is you pandering to him and preparing strawberries and kiwis.
None of this should be a debate or argument either. If he says he doesn’t want it just shrug your shoulders, tell him to sort it out himself and leave the room or do a required activity but don’t be drawn into discussion about it.

Toomboom · 26/05/2020 14:56

You need to learn to parent! Don't offer another choice if he refuses to eat what he has already asked for.
Consequences have to be put in place and adhered to. Stop pandering to him. If he is like this at 8 yrs old I dread to think what he will be like when he is 18.
Stop giving into him. Tell him what you expect and leave it at that, don't get drawn into arguments about it.

Original poster
ChiaWatermelon · 26/05/2020 14:56

@HoppingPavlova - Thanks, I’ll try that next time, I’m just so exhausted right now. I just want to know why he is doing this, he knows how to behave himself he doesn’t do it at school or when over people are around.

When he misbehaves, I sometimes ask DS(18) for help but he just laughs, and it’s not funny.

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 26/05/2020 14:57

It’s not too late for him op, he’s only 8. It’s you that needs to change though. The fact that you won’t discipline him because you’re scared of him means that this will be hard for you while you gain back control. What exactly are you scared of? The spoiling is obviously as big an issue as the discipline. If he asked for food then changed his mind, the obvious right thing to do is to put it away, but he gets nothing else until that gets eaten. Why would you immediately start making his next request when he didn’t want the first one. My dd tried to go on a bed strike last week. She ended up eating cold green beans and broccoli for breakfast as she refused to eat them for dinner the night before. I think a bit of common sense is needed when it comes to the spoiling. As for the discipline, we could give you ideas but that’s also mostly common sense (removal of items, reward charts etc). You just need to get over this strange fear you have of your child and implement them. I agree with pp that you really need to look into parenting classes

HoppingPavlova · 26/05/2020 15:00

Because he knows he can. He is pushing boundaries and will push to see exactly how far he can go with you. He is not doing it at school as he knows where their boundaries are and that they will enforce them. Even though it seems counter intuitive kids actually prefer tighter boundaries, makes them feel more secure knowing exactly what’s what and where they stand.

LIZS · 26/05/2020 15:00

He is behaving like this because he can , and get away with it. It is more exhausting having him play you than insisting on boundaries. Why does he have devices/gaming before he does his schoolwork? Does he go to bed at a reasonable time, sleep and eat well?

Herpesfreesince03 · 26/05/2020 15:02

Why are you asking for other child to help you parent?? YOU’RE the parent. You can’t expect your other child to take control of their sibling because you won’t

JorisBonson · 26/05/2020 15:05

I dread to think what he would do if I took away the devices.

He might realise that you're the one in charge and start to respect you?

autumnboys · 26/05/2020 15:06

It is never too late to make some changes! At 8 he may have the maturity to understand if you say to him that things need to change a bit - that you’re not happy and that he doesn’t seem that happy either. and that you’re all going to work together to make things better.

You could make a list of family rules together if you like, but I might leave that until further down the road.

Start by offering him choices, but limit the options - for example, not what does he want for breakfast, but does he want toast or cereal. Does he want milk or water. Stick to your guns. He will test these boundaries to see if you mean it. Have clear expectations and spell them out.

Try and limit the screen time a bit. I know it’s hard, especially at the moment, but I think it might help.

Can you enlist your 18yo? Do they get on? Mine are 16, 14 & 10 and my oldest was been a great help with his youngest brother over the last few months. Try and make a point of speaking kindly and positively to one another so your youngest can hear.

You definitely can do this. Have a google for online parenting courses. Care for the Family are good (they are a Christian org but their parenting material is very secular) Good luck! Flowers

lottiegarbanzo · 26/05/2020 15:06

but it’s like DS(8) is always on the hunt for something to moan and complain about, he is just so miserable, you wouldn’t understand.

What? You don't know me at all. How can you guess what I would or would not understand? What experience or insight I do or do not have?

You sound like you're making excuses for failure before you've even started. Your son is so very special and different, your problems so very unique, that nobody else could ever understand. Therefore no-one can help you. Therefore you are beyond help and it's all hopeless.

Do you mean that you cannot explain the situation to me, because you cannot explain it to yourself? That when you try to write it down, or say it out loud, you realise that it does not make sense? That there is no coherent picture, no cause and effect? Or, a cause and effect that becomes all too clear but that you do not want to face? or are you scared that people will identify the problem(s) all too easily and you'll feel stupid for not having faced up to them before? For sticking your head in the sand and letting this situation grow, so that it feels to big to control now?

People here can help you break the problem down, name its parts and re-build better, bit by manageable bit. You do have to make the effort to describe what is going on.