Badly explain your job

[Greenandcabbagelooking]

Because I think we all need a laugh at the moment! Inspired by a Twitter hashtag, explain your job (or an old one) and guess what other posters’ jobs were.

I use dangerous chemicals and fire around children.

I spend a lot of my time trying to thwart Nature and delay it from taking its course. When it looks like I am going to lose (which I always do in the end) I give up trying to delay the thing that people pay me to prevent, and in most cases very deliberately hasten it dramatically. People often simultaneously thank me in a very heartfelt fashion for my efforts to avoid (for days, months or years) and then achieve (in minutes) the final outcome.

I tell builders what to build and tell them off when they get it wrong.

@Ragwort - charity shop manager?

I transport people on metal trucks and charge a fortune for the privilege.

@Pickles89 was indeed an auctioneer, now I'm not a furniture restorer.

Also- nature abhors extremes. Humans appear (increasingly) to love extremes. Quite a large percentage of my job involves dealing with the consequences of this clash.

powershower

Are you a hairdresser?

I hoard old papers, arrange them into an order and occasionally let other people look at them.

Loving this thread! i’m going to have a proper read later and write down all my guesses!

Mine: I’m obsessed with people’s P waves. I’m glad when I see them, as long as they are where they are supposed to be.

My son described it
‘Like being the country’s snitch’

I hide drugs in peoples food and clean up shit.

No. When I am close to failing to prevent the outcome that people were paying me to use all my skill to deliberately avoid, then change tack and deliberately achieve that previously undesirable outcome, people hug me, thank me and usually pay me for intentionally killing their loved ones.

Fancied - cardiologist?

I make people fat, drunk and poor but mostly organically!

I either deny children their human and educational rights or I complete assessments which helps them to achieve their educational potential.

@powershowerforanhour right area, just a little further down on the pay scale though :D

And you must be a vet?

Power - are you a vet?

@Otterses are you a probation officer?

@PlopTeeth and @LittleMissLumpy

Plopteeth, not a bad guess. I write letters from Fairytale characters (including Father Christmas)!

I drive £150,000 vehicles over the speed limit and through red lights on the wrong side of the road

I'm a grammar nazi and I fix typos.

Power- vet?

A small being demands food and screams at me. I use home appliances and white goods a lot

This will sound a bit dodgy but I've been paid to disclipine men

I criticise how people write and speak