Badly explain your job

[Greenandcabbagelooking]

Because I think we all need a laugh at the moment! Inspired by a Twitter hashtag, explain your job (or an old one) and guess what other posters’ jobs were.

I use dangerous chemicals and fire around children.

@SamsMumsCateracts

Hahaha, don't I know it! I'm a nanny (in theory!) Was once projectile vomited on by a 7 month old. It was like being hosed down by an erupting fire hydrant.

I’m paid to mess with people’s heads and keep their secrets.

In another ‘life’ I’ve been paid to take my clothes off.

@Tempertamtrum Old job, outside: looked at pictures, then walked around doing sums and asking people to do stuff
Estate agent?
Auctioneer?

Spend someone else's money on stuff I don't want.

@stickwoman
Strap people in chairs inside a metal tube and throw food at them=
Do tell!

@borage13
I tell people building things how to stick to rules established by other people who build things and some people in wigs. Sometimes I help them argue with other people =
Building Control officer and expert witness?
Planning officer and expert witness?

@stickwoman
Air hostess?

I pick up the phone so that other staff don't have to. I smile and talk to people to stop them bothering busy staff with only-important-to-them chat. I open the doors if they have the right ticket and let them out if they have the right ticket.

I'm important, I am.

Nash scum. Has doors down at 5.30 and nick them for exploiting human beings .

"I gather inaccurate data for a living. Thankfully nobody uses it."

I'll repeat that without auto correct..

Bash down the doors of scum bags at 5:30am and nick then for exploiting people.

@wauden more the legal side :) good call
Though

I write fiction with numbers and convince other people that they are facts.

DH. 'I get people to explain to me what they do so that I can make them obsolete'.

Business analyst?

@Talcott2007
"I make rules. I check that other people follow the rules and if they don't do it right I might change the rules.
I might still change the rules even if they do it right too!"

Do you write legislation and/or regulations?
Are you a Lawyer?

People lend me their babies and I try not to kill them. or find suitable replacement

@Craftycorvid counsellor? for the second life model?

I go around telling people off for gathering in groups at the moment. People try stab me where I'm from. According to DD I'm a ninja and carry around a big stick too.

@Don'tGoIntoTheLongGrass policeman?

@Mysterian Pediatrician?

At the moment? I write authoritative-sounding guidance on things the government just invented.

Then I rewrite it every two days when the government change their mind, which they usually do on Friday nights, Saturday mornings or last thing at night on the Thursday before a frigging bank holiday weekend.

#bitter

I tell idiots how much money to give to other idiots

Bagadverts. Guilty as charged on both counts

@dyscalculicgal96 I'm a nursery nurse.

I show people how to press particular planks down in a particular order and make it sound nice