Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

291 replies

Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:12

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 15/02/2020 21:15

for me growing up dinner chat was more like how was your day

think id be quiet as well if i had to force a conversation and even reserch somethng

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:17

Chips I talk about my day, my work is quite eventful so I always have a story about it.

I ask dh about his day and get nothing. I'm happy for him to talk about the carpet where he works I just want him to talk.

I asked him to research as in... Pro actively think of something to say if you find it hard to think at the table.... That's what I mean by research Grin

OP posts:
LuvMyBoyz · 15/02/2020 21:20

Don’t force it if it’s not coming naturally. Take the subject matter down a peg or two and keep it to what you’ve done in the day, what you plan todo tomorrow and at the weekend.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MrsGrindah · 15/02/2020 21:20

Just let people relax and eat their meal..you really want him to do some research?!It shouldn’t be this hard.

saraclara · 15/02/2020 21:25

I don't chat during meals. That's just not what I grew up with. And in general I'm not really a chatterer, so if I had a partner who insisted I made small talk, I'd find it excruciating.

I chat when I've got something to say. I can't force it simply because someone's decided that mealtimes are chat times.

Pinnacular · 15/02/2020 21:27

Try listening to music? Dh could pick some to introduce to DC and perhaps chat about it. It would annoy me too BTW, the feeling that he was happy to leave it all to you.

saraclara · 15/02/2020 21:27

I asked him to research as in... Pro actively think of something to say if you find it hard to think at the table....

WTF? Seriously, you'd be my worst nightmare. I'd have to come to the table with a prepared set of conversational gambits every meal time?
That's insane, surely. Why don't you focus on enjoying your food?

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:30

I've tried for years to instigate and he'd never know.

I'm just tired of instigating.
Do people really sit down and eat in silence? I can't!

I find the silence stressful, also dd has ear thing where she hates the sound of me eating, she used to have to leave the table so dh talking gives me sound cover.

She's much better but I still feel conscious and I see her getting twitchy sometimes in the quiet.. I think its a life skill to make small talk and keep conversation going.

If he talked normally most of the time, I wouldn't mind occasional silence just not all. The. Time.

OP posts:
Missingthesea · 15/02/2020 21:30

When the children were young I would have liked to have a bit of chat over dinner about our day, but OH was brought up to the idea that when you were at the table you sat in silence and got on with eating, so it never happened.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 15/02/2020 21:30

I am surprised you were not pierced with a fork tbh

giving your thoughts
demanding to know his
offering pointers for his conversation
asking him to pre prep subjects

What a way to kill any spontaneity and give everyone indigestion

kayakingmum · 15/02/2020 21:31

So... because you're from a family of talkers you want him to talk even though he's from a family of non-talkers.

As long as you talk at some point during the day that is all that matters. Would it be that bad just to relax, think about the food you're eating or whatever and just to have a bit of silence?
I think the more you force it the worse the situation will become.

speakout · 15/02/2020 21:32

Sounds hard work being at your dinner table.

Life isn't always like the Waltons

AutumnRose1 · 15/02/2020 21:33

Wow
Glad I live alone

I used to find enforced dinner table chat stressful as a kid.

MrsGrindah · 15/02/2020 21:33

I think you are being a little unkind. You’re a talker, he isn’t. No big deal really

Karenenya · 15/02/2020 21:33

My dh doesn't chat at the table either, it's just not his style, although he is chattier if we are dining with friends. I would just leave him be, if I were you. Some people are just naturally quiet.

Sonichu · 15/02/2020 21:34

"I asked him to research as in... Pro actively think of something to say if you find it hard to think at the table.... That's what I mean by research"

I think I'd rather just be hungry.

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:34

I always make convo.
I've said I'd like him to chip in, carry it'll for a bit and if he finds it hard to pro actively think about something to say. If we have guests it's also me trying to do all hosting and chat!

I'd rather not sit round a table to be honest if no one speaks. It's interesting that many others don't speak however! Only at my in laws have I experienced zero convo!!

OP posts:
RoLaren · 15/02/2020 21:34

My husband hates talking whilst we're eating. You shouldn't be forcing him. Why not try some background music for mastication camouflage and save the talking for when he wants to?

Lllot5 · 15/02/2020 21:35

The only time my lot were quiet was when they were eating.

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:37

I think it's a social skill and I'd like even 5 minutes interspersed so I can chew.

Do so many people really not talk! What do you do with guests? I always felt deeply uncomfortable at in laws with silence!

Xmas day was hideous eating in silence!

OP posts:
BuckingFrolics · 15/02/2020 21:37

I hear you. You do the heavy lifting, he glides along in silence. That he doesn't talk when you're out for dinner together is really sad imo. I'm sorry you have such miserable one sided meals.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 15/02/2020 21:38

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking

Some families don't talk at dinner, some do.
I spent every occasion with an ex's family nervously trying to fill silences to no avail. He in turn would sit quietly at my lot's get-togethers.

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:38

Mastication camouflage 😂😂😂

Usually we do but other dd had film on.

But even with music I do like some chat.

OP posts:
mogloveseggs · 15/02/2020 21:41

Gosh are you married to my dh?
Said the other day he has nothing to say to me so why would he talk!
Dreading when the kids move out if he doesn't shape up and get chatting

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 15/02/2020 21:41

Do so many people really not talk! What do you do with guests?

Stop press: not everyone is the same!

I'd suggest you don't host formal dinner parties, given you know full well what will happen.

And put the radio on at mealtimes if you want some noise. Stop being the Martyr of Saint Chatty Cathy!

Swipe left for the next trending thread