Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

[Februaryfervour]

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

Strong it makes me not want to go anywhere with him now.

The thing is if I put the work in, smiley chatty etc he does get going.
I just don't want that initial effort. I'd like him to be aware how I feel and make some effort.. I'd be very upset if dd grows up to be a non talker at meals. Will make for a very boring flat life going forward!

If your daughter being a "non talker" would upset you so I think you must live a pretty uneventful life.

No sonichu I have.

Dh family come alive when chatty people go round. They came alive when their dd visited, she was chatty and livened them up. They seem so sad because they can't chat.

A good conversation can lift you no matter what your eating and where!
My family growing up had the most turbulent of times, extreme but no matter where we wwre, how tragic our circs my parents were able to have a good laugh about, chat and have a good time.

We don't have to sit in misery and awkward silence, we can chat.

"We don't have to sit in misery and awkward silence, we can chat"

He doesn't want to 🙄🙄🙄

Most people's life is not like The Waltons
Each to their own, it really sounds as though you are forcing an interaction that's not natural. He doesn't talk much at the dinner table, you do, try and stop forcing conversation. Maybe just belt up and wait for a natural conversation.
Goodnight John Boy

Absolute I have tried that and we have literally eaten in silence.

I think podcast is a good idea. But otherwise I feel we will just have to put the table away and revert sooner to TV dinners which I'm not snobby about...

I must say I'm surprised. It never occurred to me that people sit in silence over a meal. I just live with my teen DS and I'd be really depressed if he sat in silence for the whole meal - its our only chance to have a conversation each day, exchange news and discuss plans for the week. He's resistant to long chats at any other time and never sits in the same room as me of an evening. We usually play cards after dinner so we have a bit of banter, sign and do silly voices afterwards but I'm afraid I'd think it rude if he said nothing all meal.

That explains all those couples eating meals in silence in restaurants! To me that always suggested they have nothing left to say to each other. Now I discover thats how they live all the time!

This is a weird thread. I thought most people had conversations at family meals.
Very sad and a sign of the times!

Yeah my DH is the same - but he has always been this way, he likes to eat in peace and I don’t really mind it. He’ll happily hold a conversation with me when we both feel like having a conversation, he also generally has TV/Radio on as background noise as he hates silence at any other time - but mealtimes are quiet and he generally reads and I mess about on MN (or we both tag in on wrangling DTwins).

His need for constant noise during a rare quiet day does my head in too 😂

I used to be like this in the car with my DP. I always chat on car journeys with family, friends or colleagues. He doesn't and I spent years nagging him to talk to me!
Now my DS is older he does the same as his Dad and most car journeys are in complete silence now with only the odd comment. I came to realise that's just what they prefer and they cant be forced to talk.

Leave the poor man alone to eat his dinner in peace.

If you cant stand the silence turn the radio on, listen to some music or watch TV. Your DC will be fine learning to 'chat'.

I never knew people sat in silence over dinner! That would make it really stressful for me like everyone had had an argument..! I’m with you.

What’s the point in eating in silence? Why not just eat separately?

I'm like you, OP, coming from a family of consummate mealtime chatters.
DP, I have realised, is sensually overcome by eating. He loves cooking and eating, and goes into a kind of food trance once sat down in front of a plate of food. No interest in talking at all, it detracts from the sensory delight which is eating. So the DC and I just chat instead.

If someone finds it difficult to make small talk, you can't just change that.
Natural chatterers seem to have no concept of what it's like to sit with your mind completely blank, unable to think what to say. And the more pressure you're put under, the worse it is.

I'm a lot better than I used to be, but it's not through anyone forcing me to talk or showing frustration when I don't. That's SO counter-productive. And someone chattering at me without a break makes me really tense.

I don't know why everyone is being so horrible to you. I completely understand what you mean. I have to instigate everything with my husband and its exhausting. There are so many things I don't bother with now cos what's the point! He doesnt even ask questions. No point in sitting at the table for dinner together, he would sit in silence. There is nothing more I'd love in this world than for him to start a conversation up with me. It's like he has no independent thought. He drives in complete silence too. I think it's sad and something I struggle with so much . He says he has literally nothing in his brain and doesnt think about anything...therefore nothing to say. Oh to have a brain like that, life would be so easy 🤣

I like peace and quiet while I eat - not inane chatter just for the sake of it.

To be honest I'm not interested in hearing about people's days at work - I don't know DH's colleagues and I don't really care that John from so and so did whatever at the weekend. I don't know who John is, so his weekend activities really don't interest me in the slightest!

If DH is in full on chat mode I tend to do a lot of umming and aahing! I do listen but I have nothing to say in response so I'd rather just stay quiet!

Put the TV on. Mealtime is the time to relax, not try to force convo when you haven't got any.

DH and I had this exact issue today.

I said I was fed up of the emotional labour of making conversation at dinner and it was his turn. He will never take the lead with DC or me on chatting and doesn't even do umming and ahhhi g when someone else is talking and I hate it.

Small talk is a strong social skill that I feel is part of my parenting responsibility to my children.

It's not always easy to keep a flow going but frankly I think it's rude to be in someone else's company and not talk to them.

Plus DC eat better if they are distracted by a good conversation.

Normally the only time DH finds talking easy at the table is when he's nagging kids to finish their food which is NOT what works and drives me mad.

XP was like this. Eating at home was done in front of the TV, always. No sound from him. Eating out used to make me cry, seeing all those other couples talking or even showing one another stuff on their phones, whilst we arrived, shovelled food in as fast as possible to get home to sit in more silence.

I am happier alone.

I honestly think sitting having meals in front of the TV, or listening to podcasts or looking at phones is really not good for relationships. Surveys show that over time the amount couples communicate over meals declines but there is also a correlation between the amount of time spent communicating and the amount of intimacy and sex in a relationship.

I personally think that its a very bad behaviour to model to a child that its okay not to speak at all over a meal and instead to spend time watching TV or looking at your phone. The average father spends 7 minutes a day talking to their children, the average mothers 11 minutes. If no one can be bothered to check in with each other over a meal when will they? All relationships benefit from communication - how else do people show they care or are interested in each others lives?

Wow. What a strange and sad world so many people live in if they think it's normal and perfectly acceptable to sit and eat a family meal in silence. OP must have been absolutely desperate to ask him to think in advance about what he wanted to talk about, just to get a few words out of him. I would hate this, and I'm saddened by how many posters think a completely silent family dinner is a perfectly fine example to children. It's really not.

Op yanbu.

OP, you said that your husband was animated about a colleague previously... and he must have previously been animated about/with you otherwise presumably you'd not have married him. What's changed?

I must admit, I'd find your way a bit forced but i do feel sorry for you as it's clear that you wouldn't mind what the conversation with as long as there is some. Your husband obviously doesn't want to engage.

I think that if conversation has to be instigated and isn't naturally forthcoming then piling on the pressure to have it, is a waste of time and must be very miserable for all concerned.

I'd knock the dinner parties on the head (we don't have them, wouldn't want them) so that it's less crass for you. Put the tv on in the background and if your family wants to chat then they will. Trying to force them to talk is as awful as they would be if they told you to 'shut up' (which thankfully, they don't).

Why does your daughter hate listening to you eat - but not her father?

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP in your desire to connect with your family though talking. I think you need to be careful not to make your DP feel pressured or he might say less but I don't think it's healthy to sit in silence for all meal times and I think if you feel you have to use the TV to hide the silence, that's even sadder. Have you sat down and asked your DP what makes a nice meal for him? is there any area of compatibility with your idea of a nice meal? personally I'd not go out to dinner, ever, with someone who sat in silence through the meal. Can't see the point in that at all.

OP you are so right. Your dh hasn't been brought up speaking at dinner, but that doesn't stop you teaching your family (dc) manners. Everybody should be able to hold a conversation while eating, and wait to leave the table till all have finished. It's common manners.

Apart from this, dinner is often the only time the whole family sits together, so if you want to feel involvement this is the time to share your day. It gives the 'family connection' so to speak.

I think it is a little worrying, your dh could actually hold a conversation, when having a talkative colleague. Has he completely dried up? Isn't there anything he thinks is fun?

That aside, do something, I picture you two sitting at the table, dc moved away, in dead silence never ever connecting.

I think a lot of people on this thread are missing the point. She's tried spontaneous conversation and got nowhere which is why she's resorted to being more specific and prescriptive.

I think your DH is being incredibly rude. You've outright asked him questions and he's just blanked you effectively. Have you told him how this makes you feel? What a horrible way to treat someone you are supposed to love and awful behaviour to model to a child.