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Original poster

Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

291 replies

Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:12

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/02/2020 14:02

It's always better to let dc learn and study their own interests. Never force them to learn or follow paths you want.

Then why was any discussion needed? Dd said she wants to drop the language so, if you believe that its her choice, why did you feel the need to orchestrate a discussion by quizzing your husband about the benefits of speaking the language etc?

You say that you want fun mealtimes, with everyone joining in but then seem to want to discuss serious or contentious issues and expect DH to research topics in advance, as though he's appearing on university challenge.

What you say that you want occurs organically, from a place of happiness and mutual love and respect. You can't legislate for it or demand participation in it.

adaline · 16/02/2020 14:06

It's always better to let dc learn and study their own interests. Never force them to learn or follow paths you want.

But that's precisely what you're doing with your husband.

You're trying to force him to talk at mealtimes when he's made it clear that he doesn't want to do that! I really don't understand why can't you just let him be?!

Sonichu · 16/02/2020 14:06

"I didn't take the photo I found it online. People are so quick to attack like a pack of hienas."

But you said you'd saw that family when you were out for a meal didn't you?? 🤔

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/02/2020 14:21

But you said you'd saw that family when you were out for a meal didn't you?? 🤔

They did, yes. I went back to quote the post but it had been deleted. They acted like it was a picture they took and then got all butt hurt when told it was unacceptable.

Dieu · 16/02/2020 14:36

God, I'd hate this during meals. Just leave me alone to bloody eat!

Dieu · 16/02/2020 14:39

I think you need to look at why YOU find the silence so awkward.
People who can't cope with silence are really irritating (sorry, OP).

Dozer · 16/02/2020 15:15

Eating whole meals silently is v bad table manners.

adaline · 16/02/2020 15:50

Eating whole meals silently is v bad table manners.

Only in your opinion.

Plenty of people disagree with you.

vhs95 · 16/02/2020 16:01

I'd leave him be tbh - just because you want to talk doesn't mean he has to. Why not chat to the children about their day and general light-hearted stuff and let him join in when he wants to. Bit of background music if the sound of chewing gets you down 😊

MysweetAudrina · 16/02/2020 16:26

Am shocked that there are families that don't talk at meal times. There is normally at least one row, one storming off, an occasional glass being knocked over, moaning about my lovingly prepared food, general chit chat about our day or things coming up later in the week. No tv, radio or phones at the table, not much table manners either for that matter but it's never quiet.

Asthenia · 16/02/2020 16:41

Omg I can’t imagine sitting in silence to eat a meal. Growing up my family would always come together to eat dinner and talk about our days etc. It wasn’t like “the Waltons” it was just a nice way to eat dinner and something I want to continue when I have my own children. I do feel for you OP, my boyfriend is from a silent dinner table/all eat separately family and it’s been hard work at times as he used to like to have the TV on while he ate (!!) but luckily he enjoys the chatty family meals now.

Bouledeneige · 16/02/2020 16:43

PhilCornwall1 I totally agree it shouldn't take quoting academic studies to persuade people that being arsed to talk to your familly at mealtimes is beneficial. Or that having a meal without the telly or a podcast on (as suggested upthread) - is a better way to connect. But it appears that a lot of the respondents here would regard 'having to' speak to their nearest and dearest as the imposition of extroverts on introverts - rather than a great opportunity to engage and connect with their family.

In reality of course most busy famillies find it hard to do that every day. Activities, being out and about etc will prevent most people from doing it 7 days a week, but surely doing it quite a few nights a week is a good thing? Our kids grow up so quickly and relationships can so easily become like ships passing in the night, that the chance to check in with each other without all those other distractions is an opportunity not to be missed.

In the last week my DS and I have had a whole range of sensible and silly conversations. About going to university, about female to male DV, about what the UK would be like if the Germans had won the war, and who would win in battles between bears and hippos, lions and crocodiles etc. Brightened my week. Better than just listening to each other munching. Next year if all goes well he will be off at uni and I will miss it terribly.

adaline · 16/02/2020 16:50

There is normally at least one row, one storming off, an occasional glass being knocked over, moaning about my lovingly prepared food

All of that would piss me off massively, to be honest. Arguments and complaining about the food are both far ruder than silence.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/02/2020 16:54

Bouledeneige

Would you find it so beneficial though if before the meal you had been taken to one side, instructed in how the conversation should pan out "like a finely choreographed dance" or whatever words the op used and sent away to research subjects on which to converse? I doubt you would speak about any conversation held along such terms.

PanicAndRun · 16/02/2020 16:56

In the last week my DS and I have had a whole range of sensible and silly conversations.

So did I and DD , though hers are mostly silly. They just didn't happen at the dinner table.

farseabouttinsel · 16/02/2020 17:57

Play a game! I've got 3 DC 8,13, 15 - they'll all play a game at the dinner table still. Literally simplistic nonsense like guess the animal / person someone is thinking of - or alphabetically name countries / brands / anything - taking it in turns. Then there isn't any pressure to be interesting and chat happens naturally.

MysweetAudrina · 16/02/2020 18:09

@adeline I don't think sitting in silence is rude I just can't imagine it ever happening in my house. We are all normally tired after a day working, schooling, afterschool, commuting and training by the time we sit down for dinner so it's not always sweetness and light but it does mean we get to connect as a family once a day even if it's sometimes used as a time to offload and moan.

Funkycats · 16/02/2020 18:16

I grew up in a home where we always chatted at mealtimes. I think it's lovely, a good way to connect and teach children social skills. DH was brought up to be quiet and eat his meal, so he found mealtime chatter hard.
I think YANBU, Op.

StrawberrySquash · 16/02/2020 18:49

I think the dinner table is where you can learn a huge amount as it's a natural talking environment. Serious and high brow or not. Of course you should talk about you daughter maybe dropping a language - that's what parents do, help kids make the decision. And yes I think your husband should occasionally make an effort with conversation. I'm finding a lot of the replies on here really sad.

ZombieFan · 16/02/2020 18:54

In this world of hyper-stimulation 24/7 learning to sit quietly and be at one with your own thoughts is a very good skill to fortify ones mental health.
After a hurly burly day at work their is nothing nicer than relaxing into a seat and savouring the delights of good food with peace and quiet.

Its also very good for digestion to spend time chewing rather than shovelling in your food in-between a constant flow of gossip.

Perhaps you should consider why you are so distressed at sitting quietly? It is not normal to talk so much that you haven't time to eat. You do not have to entertain your children at meal times. You should not be forcing your DH to do something he feels uncomfortable with. Having to prepare topics of conversation for dinner time would be very stressful. Trying to force guests to talk whether they like it or not is completely wrong.

If you think your DC do not have good communication skills then just have conversations with them during the day. If you want to have 'fun' with your family then why not have a family games night every week. Bring out the games that involve talking, spontaneity, and fun.

Sirzy · 16/02/2020 19:29

In the last week my DS and I have had a whole range of sensible and silly conversations

So did me and DS, but other than one meal out we had none of that was during mealtimes. Infact for DS that is the worst time to try to talk to him because of his issues with food he needs to focus on eating or nothing gets eaten

topcat2014 · 16/02/2020 19:34

Radio 4 is the answer. Steady talking in the background covering sound of eating.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/02/2020 19:43

In this world of hyper-stimulation 24/7 learning to sit quietly and be at one with your own thoughts is a very good skill to fortify ones mental health.

Eating mindfully is also an important skill. Learning to eat until full etc. Eating whilst distracted is one reason why obesity is a problem.

I did a pain management course where we learnt mindfulness and one exercise was to eat mindfully. Very difficult to do because we aren't used to it.

LordsALeaping · 16/02/2020 19:47

Entirely agree @Hearhooves.

KayakingOnDown · 16/02/2020 20:27

YANBU OP. I'm shocked at all these families who sit in silence, with the TV on or glued to screens. It sounds so depressing and sad. And rude towards the person who has prepared the meal.

I am an introvert and love peace and quiet. Yet I was brought up talking at mealtimes, being expected to converse and talk about my day. Now DH, DC and I chat at mealtimes - it would be utterly weird to sit in silence, but I suppose if the TV or screens were on that's all they would know. We would all miss out on so much. Today, to take a random meal, we talked about shared memories of DD2 when she was a baby and toddler, about different makes of violins (DD1 is learning violin), about plans for half-term and about where we're going on holiday this year. We often have classical music on quietly too and DC like to play guess the composer.

When I visit my parents around Christmas or holiday times we (my sister, parents and I and in-laws now too) still have those long, drawn-out meals where we are sitting taking hours after dinner is over. Isn't that what life is about?