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Original poster

Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

291 replies

Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:12

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 08:45

I've had to resort to that with dh because he didn't seem to be realise the effect not talking has.

I can get one going, put work in, make them laugh.... I can do it. I don't want to anymore I want help. I want to eat.

I'm giving up. There's no point.

I just do not want my future Xmas tables like the in laws to be silent with everyone rushing to get away, with my dc like dh... Never knowing what it '' could '' be like!!

OP posts:
schnubbins · 16/02/2020 08:48

I'm with you OP.Having a chat at the table is one of the reasons I put food on the table.Its the half an hour or hour in the day where we all come together.T.V's , phones etc etc are all banned at the table in my house.My DH travels a lot so now it is only sometimes me and one or two of my grown up kids. We still sit down and chat .But at the weekend there is always a special meal cooked together and my DH and I sit down together and chat. I cannot believe that so many people sit down in silence.I find that really sad.

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 08:48

I talk to dd all the time, we usually talk about her day when I get her from school and I talk about my day.

Dh misses this.

OP posts:

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Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/02/2020 08:50

Februaryfervour

I think you're missing the point though - you and your DH are different personalities. He isn't doing something to you. I'm not sure why you are making such a "thing" about this

You can't force someone to talk to you and if this continues you might well find yourself facing Christmases like that because your DC will dread the atmosphere.

Take the pressure off and see what happens.

Didshereally · 16/02/2020 08:51

OP, firstly, he can talk and enjoys chatting sometimes when he feels so- so enjoy those times. Don't force him to every time, that must be wearing.

Secondly, have you thought about sometimes WhatsApp videoing on loud speaker, your parents or siblings at meal times on the table so you can all 'chat as if around one table?' If you organise it well or text them before, you can have family chatter together.

It must be weird though his never chatting. In our house "less talking more eating" is a constant refrain. DD doesn't stop talking and we all get fed up sat waiting an hour for her to finish her (then) cold food.

PhilCornwall1 · 16/02/2020 08:52

I can get one going, put work in, make them laugh.... I can do it. I don't want to anymore I want help. I want to eat.

It's a mealtime, so just simply eat.

As for it being an art that needs to be learned and practised, it really isn't. This is overthinking to the extreme. If I knew my mealtime was going to be like this, I'd remove myself from it.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/02/2020 08:53

Why are you relying on dh talking just so you can eat? Tbh the whole set up sounds stressful and bonkers.

KidCaneGoat · 16/02/2020 08:53

Don’t give up! I totally get what you mean about dinner being a chance to reconnect with your family. I’m sure there’s been studies done about how positive shared dinners are. If your husband doesn’t want to talk, just chat with your daughter. I know it’s you making all the effort but it’ll be so worth it in the long run. Also, someone talking to you is a sign that they’re showing an interest in you. It’s gutting if you go out for dinner and the other person says nothing. Like, do they not have a single thought about me, my day, the world, anything??

WobblyAllOver · 16/02/2020 08:54

If you tried to force chatting all the time I would hate eating with you.

Stop trying to make other people be like you. Embrace the fact that we are all different. You never know, if you relaxed a bit and stopped chatting or forcing a conversation all the time you might find that others would start to open up a bit more.

Have the TV or radio on and maybe he might comment on that if he doesn't feel under pressure to have forced conversations.

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 08:56

Hear, 99% of meals have had no pressure and he does not speak. So now I've pointed it out because maybe he doesn't realise.

If he finds making convo hard, I've tried to give some pointers. I've tried to explain what should happen. Ideally no one should dominate and it should be like a finely tuned dance with everyone taking a turn...

But some effort has to be made. Its not OK to sit and make zero effort.

OP posts:
WobblyAllOver · 16/02/2020 08:58

But some effort has to be made. Its not OK to sit and make zero effort.

Who put you in charge of how his dinner time should be?

Okbutno · 16/02/2020 08:58

@Februaryfervour I feel like the big issue is you feel the need to chat so you can eat because of your dd and her vthingv about the sound of you eating. Is it just you? Can you tell us more about this? Does she have sensory issues? Otherwise this seems a bit highly strung.

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 08:58

Wobbly I have been relaxed and it's not been forthcoming he's too passive it's like he's reverting to being a child again.

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/02/2020 08:58

I've tried to explain what should happen. Ideally no one should dominate and it should be like a finely tuned dance with everyone taking a turn...

Omg Grin

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/02/2020 09:02

I think people are getting mixed up between endless stream of consciousness 'chatter' and communication.

There's a world of difference between the inane, non-stop giggly chat of a TV host filling silence because they are afraid of it, and an exchange of views of the day, a bit of 'how's your steak? Guess what, little Molly has been made Class Rep!'

People who make no small talk at ALL, always make me nervous. Either they are silently plotting something (to leave me, chiefly) or they have no inner life (which I know is a thing, but I find it hard to get my head around).

Is it so hard to make pleasant noises about dinner to the cook and ask your children/OH how their day has been? Or is it silently shovelling in food in order to get away as fast as possible (like my XP)?

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 09:05

Mrs it's painful for me to have to get to a stage where I'm trying to explain conversation.

It pains me that his own dp didn't teach this and chat and model. Everyone talks on my side. I've never ever sat in silence on my side with cousins, aunts and uncles... Very large family.... I've never known people '' get together '' visit from over seas, or be together at Xmas like dh family and not talk.

Convo has been minimal and then utterly boring.

All my life I've never had to think about it, it's just happened!

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 09:07

Zap that's all I'm after.

If dh could initiate two utterances... To the dc at least I'd be very happy.

OP posts:
FriedasCarLoad · 16/02/2020 09:07

I'm with you OP.

Eating in silence is miserable and antisocial, and television meals are fine on occasions, but all the time are bad for family life.

Did your husband chat over meals when you were first together?

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 09:10

Ok that's part of it, if he's chatting to her or vice versa it's less onus on us all silently eating and me in particular. She has this thing, can't remember name of it.
Some people can't stand certain sounds.

I get it with a work colleague. I don't notice anyone else eating in the office but him.... Drives me mad. Lovely guy, nothing bad how he eats but something about it sets me on edge.

Dd has that with me.

Anyway it's all moot I'm giving up.

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 16/02/2020 09:11

and television meals are fine on occasions, but all the time are bad for family life.

It certainly isn't here and wasn't throughout my childhood either.

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/02/2020 09:15

I think you mean misophonia, OP?

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 16/02/2020 09:17

Fried, when we were first together many moons ago, we had lots of meals with my family.

It must have been like stepping into a technicolour world for him. My mum was warm and chatty... And funny... Same with other relatives who hosted us. And hosted us in a variety of settings from caravans, to grand houses... Lots of chat, laughter, silliness. That was totally normal for me.

He didn't want to take me to his house and when he did it was super serious, quiet, staid, and mostly silent. And his other relatives apart from his granddad who was a good host...

Alone I did some donkey work sometimes but usually got more enthusiasm back.

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/02/2020 09:17

Hear, 99% of meals have had no pressure and he does not speak. So now I've pointed it out because maybe he doesn't realise.

Sorry, but I find this hard to believe.

If he finds making convo hard, I've tried to give some pointers. I've tried to explain what should happen. Ideally no one should dominate and it should be like a finely tuned dance with everyone taking a turn...

This is just so controlling that I have no words. You've given him pointers, you've told him what should happen??!! Who died and left you in charge? Stop trying to control him. You have more right to force him to speak than he has the right to gag you to force you to shut up.

There is no way that mealtines with you are relaxing, just no way. It's also interesting that you say that your dd has a problem with you eating - does she have the same problem with her dad?

I talk when I have something to say. I cannot stand inane chit chat. The saying "empty vessels make the most noise" is very true for me. I don't want to engage in endless drivel when I'm eating and being expected to provide small talk would make me eat alone in my room.

You are being controlling op.

madcatladyforever · 16/02/2020 09:18

My ex used to sit in absolute silence at dinner just chewing and looking gormless. Same if we ate out. I just could not stand it. In the end Id go and eat in front of the TV to avoid him. He was always a lousy communicator.
I was used to everyone chatting and laughing over dinner before and hearing about everyone's day.

Yika · 16/02/2020 09:19

I'm surprised at the responses on this thread.

I think making conversation at the dinner table is basic manners. The whole point of having a sit-down meal together is to share in a social occasion and to feel connected.

I think you need to have an open discussion around the issue - maybe go to a couples therapist to have someone else mediate it?