Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

[Februaryfervour]

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

I am with OP. We are the same - I’m from a family that chat over dinner, he is not and never makes the effort. Xmas day dinner with the in-laws in utterly exhausting. I think it’s important to model good behavior for the children and making conversation at the dinner table is a life skill.

Hmm.

Why is talking constantly the valid option? If someone wants to sit in peace and quiet after work and enjoy their meal, is that really such a problem?

I used to have a job where I was on the go constantly - always having to make small talk with customers and colleagues. When I got home all I wanted to do was decompress and enjoy some peace and quiet! I'm not one of those people who can be "on" constantly - I find it exhausting and stressful.

I can make small talk but I wouldn't like to be forced into it in my own home.

I swear my family must have been Italian in a past life. Silence at mealtimes is unheard of...our problem is getting a word in edgeways!

God, we must be slobs. We don't really have "family mealtimes". Two nights a week I'm out and don't eat till I get in (if I can be bothered), same with my wife. When we are all in at the same time for a meal, it's tea in front of the TV, raiding the planner to see what's been recorded.

I think you said he is capable of it so he's clearly just choosing not to talk with you. Sounds a bit rubbish to me

I used to have a boyfriend who's mum always said "this is keeping is all quiet isn't it!!" if it went quiet while we were eating. It drove me mad!!! She wanted us to be chatting all the time while eating and I just wanted to enjoy my food!! You sound very pushy about this OP. There's no way I could make conversation in that situation! So much pressure.

Just talk to your dd? At twelve surely you can chat to her about her life? How old is your other dc?

I think the problem here op.is that you've made a mountain out of this molehill and now everyone feels under pressure so any spontaneous chat has gone out the window. Maybe your family felt uncomfortable with the chosen subject of you trying to get people to gang up.on your dd and her choice to drop a language? Perhaps controversial subjects should not be discussed at the table? Maybe talk all.pressure away from dinner time, let people eat in a relaxed atmosphere, perhaps with a radio show on in the background so there's a bit of noise going on (we used to.lisyen to things like just a minute - so light entertainment rather than politics). Clearly you and your husband have different needs here and by you trying to force your will onto the rest of the family you're just creating an awful atmosphere. You aren't going to achieve what you want by force you have to remove the.pressure and let conversation happen naturally. Shining the spotlight into someones face and demanding that they talk, interrogation style, isn't the way to get enjoyable conversation going.

I think your DH is being incredibly rude. You've outright asked him questions and he's just blanked you effectively. Have you told him how this makes you feel? What a horrible way to treat someone you are supposed to love and awful behaviour to model to a child.

He did answer though, just not in the way that op wanted. He answered her and then carried on eating rather than launching into a long monologue so that op could eat.

He clearly isn't a chatty person and op.knows this (presumably he's always been like this as op is blaming his upbringing which begs the question why marry him when you find this trait so unbearable?) so why is she trying to make him change? What a horrible way to treat someone you are supposed to love and awful behaviour to model to a child. - a criticism which could be applied to the op.

Sounds like the op.is an extrovert and her DH, and possibly DC, are introverts.

My DH is like this at home over dinner. It annoys me, tbh, because when we were dating he would talk ALL THE TIME over dinner - his good would always go cold! So I had no idea he'd morph into Mr Morose. 😆

I love the podcast idea.

I also need to stop making it a "thing". Somehow we need to make talking fun again. I bet we've made it stressful, accidentally.

I have two DSes and the younger one is still chatty but the older one is quiet. With us. But I hear him talking to his friends and he literally never draws breath!

We must be boring, OP. 😆 😭

What a nightmare. I'm guessing your DH must hate dinner time.

Wow. How controlling are you.

I think your DH is being incredibly rude. You've outright asked him questions and he's just blanked you effectively

Maybe he thinks she's being incredibly rude by talking at him constantly while he's trying to eat his dinner?!

I can't stand people who can't sit in silence. There is absolutely no need to fill every single second with chatter - why can't you just sit and be with your thoughts? This is why I got a job that didn't involve other people

I would have thought with the endless yap, the meal would go cold.

It’s not “controlling” to want to have some conversation over a meal sometimes or to teach DC some basic table manners. Conversation while eating is just good manners.

OP being, essentially, told to STFU seems quite sexist: why should her H’s preference for silence take priority? Why not a mix?

Who is doing the cooking?

“Endless yap”: how rude.

I do find it upsetting. I love going out, obviously not often with small dc but whilst I love being with him I don't look forward to having to do donkey work to get convo going.

It does upset me and worry me and it does irritate me because I know he can do it albeit with some effort.

The irony is his own dm doesn't talk or take an interest in anyone at any time, eating with her is not pleasurable and its stressful. These things are surely the glue that helps to hold people together?

Dh has massive issues with his dp but he rarely visits now and why? Because going and not talking (lots of other stuff too gone on) is not pleasant. It's really horrid in fact. Xmas in a lovely house with ok food was miserable because everyone was just eating, no convo.

You can be in the most modest home and have amazing time if the convo is good. People having a laugh together and having fun is really important to family life in my view.

I'm giving up.

I'm going to see what podcasts there are, I liked just a minuet show I'll see if that's on podcast.

It's loosing battle with older dc not like hearing me eat, she's got much better... I'd rather dh wasn't sat at the table at all if he can't make even the smallest bit of convo.

We will go back to TV dinner on lap on sofa very soon... I just wanted a little bit of proper diners to a show dd.

It's an art and it does need to be learned and practised.

Who is doing the cooking?

The husband did in this instance.

Yy dozer I find endless silence very stressful too.

I don't want endless non stop talking but just a little to break the silence and have light rolling convo. I don't mind some silence just not literally siting down, not speaking and total silence and people getting up and leaving without a word.

I cook mostly maybe 5/6 nights a week.

Dh does 1 or 2. He doesn't mind cooking more I'm home earlier.

You can be in the most modest home and have amazing time if the convo is good. People having a laugh together and having fun is really important to family life in my view.

Yes you can, but that's because people are relaxed and enjoying themselves. You can't bulky or brow beat people into enjoying themselves. Surely you can see that? The best way for conversation to flow is by creating a relaxed atmosphere where people feel able to be themselves. Not issue homework, ore meal preparation and then act like it's an interrogation.

We don't eat together as a family much, but my OH wouldn't be happy if expected to sit and chat at a dinner table.
He is an introvert- but spends all day talking with colleagues and clients.
It's a quick hello, then he retires to a quiet corner- the last thing he wants is endless chit chat in the evening.

I'm with you OP. Eating in silence is awkward and weird if you are sat at a table, however you can't force interaction if it's not there. If he will chat to you all at other times then let it go and embrace TV dinners. The whole point of eating dinner at the table is surely to give everyone a chance to chat and spend a bit of time together, if that's not happening then what's the point?

I think you've made such a big thing about it that everyone is uncomfortable. Put the radio on to help your daughter. Is there no chat with her about her day?

I like dinner conversation, and find it more pleasant to eat and chat.

However some people don't. They prefer silence at dinner. The two people are not compatible dinner companions.

You're preference for conversation does not trump his preference for silence.

We have the TV on. We sit at the table but it's in our family room so we have a TV in there. We will usually have something on like the Chase or whatever and end up trying to answer questions or the questions will lead to someone sharing an interesting fact. DH is an introvert by nature so after a day of being 'on' at work, he does need to decompress. He would rather look at his phone while he eats which drives me mad but he does contribute to the conversation as and when or share something funny he's reading on his phone. TBH DD usually has some drama that has occurred during her day so she usually leads the conversation with who said what to whom and what the teacher did etc etc