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Original poster

Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

291 replies

Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:12

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 15/02/2020 21:44

Put a podcast on that you can all listen to. You and DD can then chat over it if you wish to. Tbh I think your DH could talk if he wanted to. He clearly doesn't want to though.

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:44

He once worked along side a female in slightly different role. The change was extraordinary. He was so chatty! He would be come home talking about her, not in any flirty way but she obviously spoke about her life and family to him so '' she couldn't get her dd down to sleep like us last night, she was falling asleep at desk and I told her about our dd and our night we were laughing and blah blah or '' '' she has her driving test today she does blah.... ''

Maybe he doesn't talk to his new colleagues..
I think it's really sad we are slipping into an isolated head phone family... Dd in room Al day, I've been busy with house work, amin, then I accidently fell asleep... Dh cooked dinner and we had uncomfortable meal and now dd in room again. And I feel extremely annoyed.

Is this our family?? All in separate rooms?
Is a little bit of chat too much to ask for 5 mins at dinner?

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 15/02/2020 21:45

Jesus Christ just let the man eat his tea. Your weird neediness for constant inane chatter/noise is your issue, not his

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MrsGrindah · 15/02/2020 21:45

Anyone remember Spitting image? DH and I often say “ The peas are nice tonight Norma” when we’ve been eating in silence!

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:46

Sparkle I really like the podcast idea.

Are there any anyone can recommend for us all to enjoy dd 12.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 15/02/2020 21:46

Oh my God, I'd kill you stone dead!

I like to be left alone to read while I eat! I don't want someone trying to have conversation for tube sake of it!

Silence! Peace! Happiness!

😊

Nitpickpicnic · 15/02/2020 21:47

Well I think being interested in others, and responding to others enquires is basic table manners- as much as anything you do with a fork or a napkin. It’s important to show the kids for their future at other tables.

Fair enough that OP wants to model good behaviour, and that he move slightly out of his comfort zone to help.

If I had to sit in front of someone, night after night, who was grimly shovelling my gift of food with no thought for anyone else at the table, I’d certainly lose my appetite (and respect for him).

If he was brought up where burping loudly at the table, would that still be fine now because it’s his ‘way’ or his preference? I don’t think so.

It wouldn’t kill him to actually BE interested in his own loved one’s days, or at the very least throw out a couple of questions.

I’d be so tempted to serve him his meal in 15 tiny potions, one at a time. Just so he’d at least have to raise his head to say ‘and where’s the rest?’ every so often. Bet the kids would get a laugh out of it Grin

Herpesfreesince03 · 15/02/2020 21:47

Despite everyone telling you that you are BU you’re still going to blame him

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:48

Mog loves eggs I must admit it does concern me, about later in life.... I can see it being very lonely.
I wish he would generally talk a teeny bit more but in other areas of life its OK. I just wish at certain times he would make an effort, for his children!

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 15/02/2020 21:49

Yes but to suggest he does some research....sounds like an A level in Tea Eating!

rottiemum88 · 15/02/2020 21:49

Dh cooked dinner and we had uncomfortable meal

Sounds like the only one that made it uncomfortable was you Confused Let the poor man eat!

AutumnRose1 · 15/02/2020 21:50

I also can’t believe you’ve asked him to think about topics in advance!

The last Xmas my father was alive, he was cooking. He came into the lounge to ask me and mum something and we were both on iPads.

He gave a big sigh and said “is this family life on Christmas Day?”

“Yes” we said in unison, not looking up from our screens. 😂😂😂😂

GreenTulips · 15/02/2020 21:52

Get a glass jar
Throw in some conversation starters

Job done

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:52

Thanks nit. That's it.

His family are the same. His cousin comes and doesn't talk I find it very awkward and he doesn't talk to her and she doesn't talk to him.

I love mumsnet ING. Perhaps I should give up and allow everyone to eat but I'm not their own worlds.

I'll mumsnet, dd can do whatever on her phone and dh can listen to his podcasts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:53

Everyone to eat in their own worlds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 21:55

I can not understand why people sit at a table, if they don't speak to each other. Much easier to eat TV dinners.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 15/02/2020 21:55

I can’t stand it when people talk when they’re eating, get your food down you and then talk when you’re finished. I’ve trained my four year old not to talk at the table unless it’s “I need a wee/poo”.

He probably find being expected to talk as annoying as you find his lack of talking.

dementedma · 15/02/2020 21:56

Mine won’t even turn his laptop off. Just pushes it to one side and keeps looking at it while he eats. I bolt my dinner in silence and leave the room

saraclara · 15/02/2020 21:57

What makes mealtimes so special? Can he not talk when and where he chooses? Since when has saving conversation for mealtimes been a thing?

If I have people round for dinner, or eat out with people, then yes, there's more chat. But that's because we won't have seen each other for a while so there'll be news to share, etc. But when you live with someone you know pretty much everything already, and the last thing I'd want to talk about over a meal was my working day, which I'd put in its box long before dinner time.

AutumnRose1 · 15/02/2020 21:58

OP “ Much easier to eat TV dinners.”

My parents wouldn’t allow this. Also we had to wait till dad got back from work. Nightmare. Hated family dinner.

Molly2017 · 15/02/2020 22:01

Put the tv on.
I hate forced conversation over dinner. I just want to eat my food in peace. I don’t want to feel like I have to perform. I feel for your DH.

rottiemum88 · 15/02/2020 22:01

I can not understand why people sit at a table, if they don't speak to each other. Much easier to eat TV dinners.

So why not try that OP? Your DH would probably prefer it to being forced to prep his conversation topics before every mealtime. Except you won't try it, because you don't actually want an alternative/solution, you want your DH to bend to your will

SanFranBear · 15/02/2020 22:01

I always chat at mealtimes - cant imagine not but, like you OP, I grew up that way. I always ask my DC what the best bit of their day has been and that normally keeps us going (single parent so always a lack of adult conversation).

My DPs also loved The Archers so we used to chat for most of the meal and then have dessert whilst catching up on Ambridge. They're both gone now and I haven't listened to The Archers for years but it also have us something to chat about in the run up to our starting.. would that work?

Original poster
Februaryfervour · 15/02/2020 22:03

Autumn I like tv dinners.

Our living space is quite small in winter so for a good few months the table is actually tucked away and we have more tv diners than mumsnet would think is decent Blush

After Xmas where we eat at table, we leave the table out and its quite nice to eat at the table for January and February . In summer we have more seating options and eating outside seems less stressful, birds around, something going on to help conversation.

If he told me he found it really stressful that I don't talk and that he felt it would be good for the dc to learn to chat.. I would!! I would try!!

OP posts:
strongswans · 15/02/2020 22:04

I was bought up being very chatty round the dinner table, it was our chance to catch up, chat about anything really. I would always prefer this now, but I get everyone's not like this. An ex was a non taker at dinner, which indoors was fine, but when out in a restaurant for dinner he was the same, and I found it quite awkward to be honest.

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