Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

[Februaryfervour]

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

I'm not adverse to TV meals at all. We spend good part of year doing it. I like variety and sitting at the table feels special at this time of year. I do usually have some music on, light candles... Make extra effort with food.. It's a miserable time of year isn't it.

Yes that's it, misophonia

Mad cat I'm at that point, I'd rather eat without him.

Well, I’m no longer surprised why so many people on Mn are friendless if they think that sitting in total silence over meals is normal and that making the most basic ‘How’s the lasagne?/Listen to what DS did today at afterschool/Do you want to see X at the cinema on Saturday?’ conversation constitutes major heavy lifting.

OP, while you do sound as if you’ve gone rather over-prescriptive about it, I can see why, and, no, your basic desire that a family dinner not be eaten in daily dead silence is not in the least unreasonable.

Sorry OP, but if I was your DH and had you controlling what I’ve got to talk about at meal times and putting pressure on me to keep a conversation up when I want to sit and eat my meal then I’d rather go and eat by myself!

We all eat up the table together, we have general chit chat about what we’ve been doing that day but nothing is forced! If we want to just get on and eat without constant chatting then so be it!

The way you have described mealtime for your DH and DD I find it hard to believe you have been relaxed at all around dinner time.

I would put on some music and spend a bit of time NOT trying to talk and not getting so worked up about it.

Could you actually do that? Could you actually go through mealtimes and just enjoy the surroundings without effort or chatting away? I doubt it as I suspect it is obvious that you are annoyed about DH not doing what you want.

You think that making conversation all the time at dinner is a lesson to be learned. I think being mindful and just appreciating the surroundings is an art and people who need to fill the air of chatter are compensating for something as if they are afraid of silence.

I grew up in a family who talked at the table and I hated it. It is a personality thing, I like my food and I want to concentrate on eating it, not make pointless conversation with others. You sound like you think your way is the best and only way and everyone should behave in the way you've decided is right. You can't force people to behave how you want them to.

You are comparing apples with oranges here though.

You keep referencing your large family meals and how gregarious everyone is, which is great. That's them.

Your husband, and his family, aren't like that though. You knew that but still chose to marry him.

How much fun would your family meals be if before sitting down you were issued with the rules of engagement, told how to behave, what to do and instructed to think about X number of topics to talk about over dinner, then once seated have a barrage of questions thrown at you? Would that still be fun? I doubt it.

Your large can't meals work because everyone has that personality and enjoy the noise and hubub. Others would find that awful, would get lost in the noise. Your way isn't better, or the right way. It's just one way. Other people are different. Your husband is quieter, possibly more introspective. I wager that he's giving up (reverting to being a child, as you say) because he feels attacked and not good enough in your eyes.

I wonder if this symptomatic of wider problems in your family?

There's no constant chatting. I'd never achieve constant chatting in my family.
Just some light chat is all I'm after. Something.

Dh has small family and his cousins who don't talk, don't have partners in their late 20s and they are all miserable.

I do feel being able to talk is so much more than eating dinner. It's a really important skill..
Unfortunately I'm not living anywhere near my family now and my immediate family is dead. So I've no where to take dc to see normal meals in action.

I clearly can't force dh because he just doesn't speak.

He doesn't care his silence affects me. He can't make some convo for his own dc.

There's nothing else I can do.
Sitting round the table is unpleasant. Silence unless I do the work. And it's bizzare that I've had to point out..that is what I'm doing doing.

I'm creating this chatter... I've tried some subjects until I hit on one that seems to lite them up... But it's me.

Not any more.

I just hope when dc are older they want to visit us....

This is just so controlling that I have no words. You've given him pointers, you've told him what should happen??!! Who died and left you in charge?

This all does rather have the ring of Hyacinth and Richard Bucket (it's Bouquet!!!) about it doesn't it. Sounds like one of her candlelight suppers that you are summoned, sorry, invited to.

I had an upbringing possibly similar to your DH's. General rules were "no talking at the table" and "children should be seen and not heard". On a few rare occasions, my father would say to my mother "what is Lobster doing today?" And my mother would say to me "your father would like to know what you are doing".

The point is that it was utterly normal for me. I still recall the shock at friends' houses, being spoken to my their own fathers, and even on one occasion a father coming ice skating with us for her birthday. The way that you are brought up is normal for you.

Of course I talk at mealtimes and enjoy it, but for years and years I thought it was most disrespectful and unnecessary. It's hard to rid yourself of what has been ingrained.

Even my father's last Christmas, two years ago, "normal" conversation was not encouraged and had to be kept to (what we all knew by then were) acceptable levels.

YANBU, OP. That sounds miserable and I’d find it really oppressive.

Wobbly yes.

I've done that countless times.

I can't sit opposite or next to people with zero talk.
I can't do it.
And I don't expect it all the time.

We only sit round a few months a year.

But yes I've tried not talking.
I'd rather eat in bed watching TV on my own.

Maybe you could try making a point by wearing earphones and listening to an audio book or something while you are eating? I dunno...

I like some light chat over the table, otherwise I may as well be alone (although, even eating alone I tend to chat to the dog). There's a line between eating in a pleasant, relaxed quiet kind of atmosphere, where there are odd remarks exchanged about the food or the day and eating in deathly silence where it's all about shovelling the food down.

Gosh having prepared topics for dinner chat sounds painful. Just ask short open ended casual questions, no cold food for you and they will presumably say something but if it seems excruciating stop. I doubt he's going to change lifetime habits now, maybe dc will be more forthcoming

Phil, hyacinth or not 😂 I have visions of two types of family gatherings in future with adult dc.
One is dh, family, painful, awkward, can't wait to escape, cut down visits until they petered out entirely because there is no point... Or warm, funny memorable chatty affairs where everyone has a laugh and a good time and people sit at the table long after food has gone, chatting, listening to music etc...

... Maybe dc will be more than forthcoming...

How if we don't show them?

He doesn't care his silence affects me.

Do you care that your behaviour is affecting him?

Do your children talk at mealtimes? If so, why not just converse with them? I couldn't tell you who talks and who doesn't when we eat together. Sometimes we all talk, sometimes none of us talk much, apart from "could you pass such and such", sometimes a couple of people talk and others don't.

You are being over bearing here. You've decided that the way your family does mealtimes is the "right" way and that any one else is miserable. I cannot imagine what the atmosphere is like at mealtimes in your family - the pp is right, it sounds just like Hyacinth and Richard.

OP, mealtimes in your house sound painful. You just can't tell an adult how to behave like that - telling him how a conversation should work and giving him pointers ffs!

He's a grown adult. If he wanted to sit and chat he would do. He doesn't. So just leave it. The more you push and pester the quieter he'll become.

He doesn't care his silence affects me.

You don't care how your continuous pestering affects him.

Well this is a problem unlikely to resolve itself.
I completely get where youre coming from, my oh isnt a massive talker over dinner and his family arent.
I think if he is lovely in other ways then just make converstaion with your daughter.
if hes boring at dinner go out without him. theres plenty of groups on meetup that do social things.. then your oh can stay home and eat his meal in monastic silence. sorry for spelling, typing one handed.

Now I know why so many people lack in basic manners. OP is trying to teach her children to have some polite conversation at the dinner table. They will need to learn this for when they are frown up and will have to go to formal dinners, business dinners or even basic dating. Her DH's stubborn silence is teaching them the opposite.

*grown up
Although a frown would be normal at some dinner tables if so many people behave like this

I’ve trained my four year old not to talk at the table unless it’s “I need a wee/poo”.

This seems really sad. It isn’t typical of how most families eat, and he/she might struggle later when they’re sharing a meal with other people and realise that conversation is normal and expected.

OP, I hear what you’re saying; it’s not fair for him to sit in complete silence, especially in front of your children, while you do the heavy lifting. I’d be surprised if many of the “You're so controlling!” posters here actually have regular family meals in total silence; somehow I doubt it. A bit of conversational give and take around the dinner table is normal; sitting in silence while others chat isn’t just a neutral position, it actively drags down the mood and makes it harder for everyone else to relax.

I can't sit opposite or next to people with zero talk.
I can't do it.

That is entirely your issue. You shouldn't be trying to make your family solve your problems.

How if we don't show them?

By you asking them about their day, engaging in conversation, creating the "fun" mealtimes that you are used to. Why does it necessitate your husband's involvement? Can't you talk with your children, share a joke or a funny story without him? If he just sits and listens what's the problem?

OP - your DH sounds like mine. He has his chatty moments, but is often quiet at the dinner table. I have given up now and just talk to dd16 and ds14. DH can join in if he wants to.

On weekdays, DH doesn't get back in time to eat with us, so me and dc always sit and eat together. It's a really good time to catch up. DH comes back and eats his food with his iPad, which he enjoys.

I grew up in a house where conversation at the table and good manners were expected. DH has never placed any importance on either. I struggled with it and we argued many times. Now I just get on with it. DH has loads of great qualities so I've decided it's not worth arguing about.