Sick of dh making no effort to chat to over dinner

[Februaryfervour]

He's great in most other ways but growing up my dp were always chatting about all sorts, their day, literature, films and sitting there in silence unless I'm talking has driven me mad. I don't eat, everyone leaves the table before I've finished, we have 2 young dc one is 12 and I feel we should model to her what dinner chat is...

Tonight I tried to get subject going about languages. Dd was talking to me another time about dropping a language. Dh is fluent in this language so I gave my thoughts and then asked dh his.

Whilst I quickly started to eat.
Silence

Umming and ahhing. So I had to finish my mouthful to give him pointers on what he might think about eg has he used this language much? Has he found it useful, benefited his career? His family are from this area etc (my food going cold,) so I start eating again... Waiting for the response to the silence. He spoke about two lines and that seemed painful to him.

I've asked him to think about conversation before dinner, what can he say... How to pad things out if he seems to find it so hard?

Silence.

His family are not talkers but dh can actually be very chatty. He can do it. He's not always silent. I hate going out for dinner because he makes no effort to start a conversation.
It makes me so upset to sit with my family eating in silence.
I feel like giving up and eating in front of telly. Dd has tried bless her but it's awkward because now such a big thing has been made about it.

Dh can and does talk at other times and I feel due to his upbringing he somehow reverts to being a child at the table not talking. I think he's an adult and that it's not too much to ask to come to the table with something to chat about, researching before hand if he finds it beyond him.

And rude towards the person who has prepared the meal.

In this case though it was the husband who prepared the meal and he doesn't want to talk. So isn't it rude to him (who cooked) to insist on talking?

And rude towards the person who has prepared the meal.

I cook most of the meals. I prefer to eat them without having to talk or listen to anyone else. It's not too bad at the weekend, but during the week the mindless chattering just does my head in.

YANBU OP. I'm shocked at all these families who sit in silence, with the TV on or glued to screens. It sounds so depressing and sad. And rude towards the person who has prepared the meal.

The husband cooked the meal - so by your argument, if he wants to eat in silence, isn't it rude for the OP to insist on talking constantly?

After reading this thread now I understand why there are so many couples at restaurants ignoring each other 😂. Honestly OP, I think you've been given a really hard time on here. MN is a weird place sometimes. We mostly sit and have dinner in front of the TV, so not much conversation then, but when we do sit at the table, we have a conversation. We're not discussing the theory of relativity or anything, but just general chit chat. Literally everyone I know does. I would find it quite strange to sit in silence at every meal and I would find it awkward and rude if I was a guest at someone's house and this was the case or if DP or DD sat in silence when we had been invited to someone's house for dinner/lunch. What a sad Xmas day lunch some people must have, sitting there in silence.

Of course it’s normal to sit and chat over dinner, hence the invention of dinnner parties and Come Dine With Me! And the expectation that you chat when invited for dinner or at a work lunch etc. OP I’d definitely try the radio in the background for your daughter. Maybe that’ll spark some conversation. Otherwise I remember reading something on here about a family who each identified one nice thing they did that day and one nice that that had been done for them – thought it sounded quite a sweet way to get kids talking. Being able to hold conversation is a life skill; the poster who’s encouraged their four year old to remain silent should maybe think how that’ll serve them in the future with friends or on dates.

Hearhooves no I wouldn't expect to issue briefings before dinner or to do research before having a conversation. I read that as the OP being a bit desperate to have her DP take the slightest interest in talking to his DC and family. No I wouldn't need to do that in my house. We engage and always have.

I think its great if people do have tons of opportunities to have meaningful conversations with their DC/DP all evening without it being with the back drop of TV, screens and phones. Maybe with little toddlers - sure thats very possible. After the bath and having story time. But I have two late teens and I can tell you there are much less of those opportunities. They simply don't spend much of their evening in the same room as me and not without some form of screen being there too. My other key opportunity is when we go for a little drive (something both my DC enjoy. Then the side by side conversations are really useful for confidences and random silly conversations. It really works). And how many couples of an evening actually spend time talking without the TV or a screen in the background?

All I'm saying is that mealtimes are the ideal time for conversations that are focused on listening and engaging without those interruptions/diversions. Genuinely its recommended as a vital part of healthy family life - on tons of levels, healthy eating, learning table manners, improving vocab, building routines, connecting, identity as part of the family, mental health, improved academic achievement and less risky teen behaviour. If you prefer to eat watching TV I think you're missing out.

It might well be recommended but I doubt it's recommended when you have the equivalent of a regimental sergeant major barking orders at you to "speak man, speak".

How many of those positives that you mention are achieved under such circumstances?

Lots of families don't have the opportunity to eat together as a family. We didn't because my DH and I worked opposite shifts, as he came in from work i.went.out so we communicated at different times. I don't think.it matters when or how you do it, just that you do.it. if meal times are fraught, for whatever reason, then surely it makes sense to ease off during those times and utilise other more relaxed opportunities to communicate, rather than keep trying to.flig what is a very dead horse?

When i was with my exH, we always ate in front of the telly. When he left, i reinstated sitting at the table for meals, and DD sat with me eventually. Now my new partner, DD and I always sit and eat, and chat, together. Dd and DP take the piss out of me because i like to talk and tell stories about my day and i am always the last to finish. Its nice and it bonds us all together.

Me and dp are in the brigade that maintain a companionable silence while munching. Today I told him about this thread though. He should have prepared something to talk about, and researched it necessary. He looked at me as if I'd finally taken leave of my senses, we had a laugh about it and he said he must try harder (not).

How do people that are so different have children and spend their lives together? And why?

All I'm saying is that mealtimes are the ideal time for conversations that are focused on listening and engaging without those interruptions/diversions. Genuinely its recommended as a vital part of healthy family life

Read between the lines here. The OP has this idealistic idea that mealtimes should be 'full' of chatter. Even when her DH engages back with a few lines it isn't good enough. OP then approaches it like a board meeting presentation.

Sounds to me like she is terrified of silence in all areas of interaction. I know a few people like that and they can't stop talking because they are scared of a silence. It's exhausting and no that isn't a life skill to pass into others.

The forced interaction that's happening is not part of a healthy family life. If I was the DH I would have retreated into myself a long time ago which again sounds to me what has happened.

I'd hate to sit at a table with a meal and a load of silent miserable fuckers.

We're all looking at this from our own reference point though... SnuggyBuggy talks of 'silent miserable fuckers', but we're never been like that. We've not been like the OP either. We just do what we do and are happy. That's the key.

Water finds its own level and that's what a family has to do as well (imo), everybody finds their place in it.

All I'm saying is that mealtimes are the ideal time for conversations that are focused on listening and engaging without those interruptions/diversions. Genuinely its recommended as a vital part of healthy family life

Natural chat around the dinner table is a very different ballgame to enforced conversation and making people look up topics beforehand!

Honestly if my fellow diners were like that I'd probably take my plate and go elsewhere. I don't mind being alone but bad company sucks.

OP I understand wanting to teach your children how to have a conversation. It's a vital skill and your DH must be a nightmare to take to weddings.

@PanicAndRun
You need to be careful you dont end up like those couples who sit in silence in restaurants (and I dont mean comfortable silence).

How can you tell the difference?

Mainly body language. The slumped position, gazing off into the distance or a bored look. Heavy sighing. Even worse is people scrolling on their phone or playing Angry Birds.