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Original poster

I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

408 replies

Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 21:55

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

OP posts:
Idontkowmyname · 07/02/2020 22:00

Not sure if this thread might be of help

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3784524-To-think-you-cant-get-past-the-ick-im-a-relationship

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:07

Thanks. I did read it on my googling sessions. At least its not just me in this situation I guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:15

How the hell do you put it off? I told him I just can't make myself right now and he's still all over me with kisses and sexual comments and the like. I don't want to be a total harpy and deprive him of any affection but God I can't stand it at the moment.

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:17

(He's not pressuring me for sex itself though. Although he keeps saying he can just do stuff to me which defeats my whole point!!)

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 07/02/2020 22:20

Is it just him you are repulsed by or the thought of sex with anyone?

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:24

It's specific to him. I still have a sex drive and notice other people etc. I'd never act on it of course.

OP posts:
OrlandoInTheWilderness · 07/02/2020 22:28

Oh god I know the feeling. Been with my DP 4 years and I'm the same. We have other problems, nothing major but enough and this is really the nail in the coffin for me. We don't live together (tried it for a couple of months but it didn't work) which makes it easier really but I'm still avoiding having the conversation.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:30

It's not just sex but the sex issue is the one that can't be ignored because it affects him too. For the last year I've just found myself looking at him and guiltily thinking ew. The way he eats, the way he raises his voice and 'beatboxes' (it really winds up our 3yr old noise wise too). Dumb stuff like that. I know it sounds mean out loud.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:32

Orlando sorry you're in the same position. He straight up asked me if I still fancy him yesterday and I knew I was lying when I said of course I do etc. I don't want to trap him when he could meet a woman who wants to tear his clothes off. I also don't want to be too flippant about ending a marriage. But alongside our other issues I do have this feeling that maybe it's a sign.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:33

I'm dreading the conversation. He knows but he doesn't know quite how bad it is or that it's making me question our future.

OP posts:
Thankssomuch · 07/02/2020 22:39

You is in trouble, lady. It’s not going to improve. The best thing you can do is to be honest.

eyemask · 07/02/2020 22:39

5 years seems a really short period of time to be feeling like this already, I could sort of understand people feeling like this after 20 odd years. It's probably better to leave now whilst the children are still fairly young vs when they are older.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:43

eye that has been my nagging feeling. And tbf it wouldn't just be this that caused the split. But it's like we tried to make things work and I thought I was happy with that and yet I can't stand him being in my personal space. I'd be gutted if the tables were turned, though I'd rather know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:44

I was hoping it was due to having a young dc but the older he's gotten the worse it's gotten. (Correlational only).

OP posts:
CathyTre · 07/02/2020 22:47

When my ex was having an affair, he got the ick towards me. Quite suddenly really but now I know, it coincided with when he fell in love with someone else.

Now I have the ick towards him - I wouldn’t touch him with yours! (He has tried to blur the boundaries recently but I’m happy,also remarried and he’s married to OW)

I think when you get the real ick it’s kind of over in most cases.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:49

I do wonder if I'm trying to suppress the fact that although we're over our rocky patch I potentially don't like him though I love him and care about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:51

Cathy sounds like it was brutal at the time. Glad you think differently of him now!

OP posts:
CathyTre · 07/02/2020 22:52

Honestly, I was with my ex for very much over a decade. We shared kids, a home, you know, the works. When he picks our younger children up I feel nothing but the ick and wonder how I ever slept with him!

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:55

I find myself looking at dh now and feeling like he's been replaced by a similar looking alien!

OP posts:
managedmis · 07/02/2020 22:55

This is me. He repulses me. But I work in a heavily male industry and would quite happily shag the arses offa 90% of the blokes there.

I have no idea what to do. We're married with kids, mortgage etc.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:58

He's out tonight on a rare catch up with friends and I'm relishing not having to put on a bit of a show. How tf did I get here Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 22:59

That does sound hard. I'm lucky in that I own this house and he just moved in. We never got round to making that official (I actually think we forgot on the newborn fog). I only remembered when I realised I felt this way and was thinking about all the potential outcomes!

I hope you work something out that suits you all best eventually Flowers

OP posts:
TessoftheDobermans · 07/02/2020 23:07

When I got the ick my DCs were early teens, DH & I had been together a long time. I don't think it was unconnected to the other problems in our relationship - I could pretend they were sorted, but they weren't, & this was a subconscious way of expressing it. I couldn't get over it & in the end we broke up.

TessoftheDobermans · 07/02/2020 23:11

Sometimes it takes time to work out what's going on but I do hope you all find a way forward that works for you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/02/2020 23:13

I don’t think there’s any coming back from this - and I think in that case, if I was him, I’d rather it was over than someone lived with me pretending it was all fine, while really we both knew that it was falling apart. And he does know, that’s why he asked if you still fancy him.

It is a big decision to end things, but it’s big that you’ve got to this stage anyway, that you don’t really like him and you feel repulsed by him... you’ve given it a year. How much more of your own time, as well as his, do you want to waste?

I’ve never known a relationship to come back from this,

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