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Original poster

I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

408 replies

Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 21:55

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

OP posts:
KTJean · 08/02/2020 08:13

I would say you do have good reason to end it though.
You have described at least an emotionally abusive marriage where the stone-walling only stopped when you issued an ultimatum; you forced yourself into unwanted sex, and now you have a situation where you ask him not to touch you whilst you work things out and he is ignoring you and violating you. Bluntly put, if you have said no, he is sexually assaulting you by grabbing your boobs; and he is trying to coerce you into sex by repeatedly asking for sex acts. Then you have if I understood correctly asked him to leave and he got so angry that the idea was dropped. And most importantly, by the sounds of it, you like the sound of your own space again and him not in your day to day life.

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 08/02/2020 08:21

I think it would be worth asking him to move out for a while. You’d know pretty quickly if you missed him or not. Personally I think you’d feel relieved.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:28

I did ask. He said if I wanted a break that badly I could go to my mums sans the boys (no room for them there plus I wouldn't want to cause upheaval to them). He has no one to stay with is his reasoning. His mum and dad both live in 1 beds. His brother has a spare room but has 3 kids. Hes too broke to rent somewhere or get a hotel or anything like that. So it's a case of either leaving fully or staying for a bit to see how it pans out. I would love a break. It would help me decide much quicker.

It's pretty grating, the sex stuff. He seems to think I meant we just won't have piv sex but everything else is on the table so this week I've been saying things like please stop touching my boobs randomly, stop jokingly asking for sex, stop asking to do oral on me (basically just leave me the f**k alone). He must think I'm joking. He came home pissed last night, got into bed and started off by trying to pull the covers down jokingly saying "lemme see the boobs" and then said "fancy sex? No? Thought not" as a "joke" which I pulled him up on. It all gets brushed away as a joke or he's not being serious. But God just stop touching me!!

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:30

If I did stand strong and ask him to leave even for a bit he'd be sofa surfing and I'd be this big bad wolf etc and I just don't want to deal with that level of bullsh** unless we're actually seperating. Y'know?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:32

It's only the last month that I realised he was being very passive aggressively sexually coercive. It wears you down and generally I'd give in eventually and sometimes get into it, sometimes hate it and feel used. It's all a bit murky.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:32

Oops that's an essay Blush

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:33

You had to manage his behaviour to force him to not be a shit dad.

You had to manage his behaviour to force him to not stonewall you.

You have to manage his behaviour to force him to respect the sex break.

I can see why you don't want him.

Any other normal human behaviours you have to manage him into doing?

Life's too short to spend it trying to coerce another adult into not being a dick.

Sally872 · 08/02/2020 08:35

Have you changed contraception recently? Mini pill made me feel completely uninterested in sex with dh.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:36

Too broke to rent? But he moved into your house and presumably you had enough to pay the bills for you and your first child and he was paying to live somewhere else somehow? Where does his money go now?

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:37

It sounds shite when put like that. I see it. It's tricky because he has moments of being lovely and kind and funny. Everyone thinks he's this lovely guy who took on a single parent etc and wouldn't say boo to a ghost. He's on his absolute best behaviour atm because he knew I'd kick him out. Besides the sex stuff, which he's still being awkward about!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:39

No, I'm on the same pill I've been on for years. It's definitely not hormonal. Also well off the menopause. I had an ick month or 2 when I was pregnant but it passed and was just because I was pregnant.

He has money but it all goes on our bills then a bit extra but not enough to just bag a room for a week or whatever. So I would be leaving him in a crap situation if I said he had to leave for a bit.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:40

Um, no, he is not on best behaviour.

He has moved his dick behaviour from one area of life to another.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:40

He just rented a room in a house share before we met.

OP posts:
WTFdidwedo · 08/02/2020 08:41

All the sex pressure sounds absolutely vile. It sounds a bit woo but the love languages stuff is relevant here www.5lovelanguages.com/ so for him, and probably a lot of men, touching is how he expresses and feels wanted but yours isn't the same.

Has he backed off with the intimacy at all or has he literally been pestering you every day? If he's not willing to go anywhere then you need to see if he would be willing to have a two week break from any touching, like kissing, hugging etc. including making jokes or references as this makes you feel guilty and is just as bad!

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:41

I know I mean he's creeping around, asking if I want a cup of tea, actually doing things with the boys and not on his phone all the time. He's kept that up a good few months.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:42

In those circumstances I wouldn't recommend a break either. What's the point of the break anyway? What would it give you?

Kernowgal · 08/02/2020 08:43

Honestly OP, what you were describing at first sounded like it could be overcome with some couples counselling, but the things you've written in your recent posts gave me the creeps too.

This man doesn't cherish you, he doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Your repulsion is a consequence of him being a twat and I'm not surprised you don't find him attractive. I diagnose this as a cocklodger situation.

It's your place, your tenancy. You do not need to move out. He does, and where he stays is up to him. He's a grown-up.

eyemask · 08/02/2020 08:45

I mean this in the nicest possible but way but don't concern yourself too much with where he's going to go. You shouldn't and don't have to be harassed for sex. His comments may come across as a joke but it's all designed to make you feel guilty for not giving him what he wants.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:45

wtf it's literally all day everyday. I am at the point where I want to ask him not to touch me at all but I think he'd then say I don't love him etc.

Thing is my love language is usually split between tactile stuff and actions, so doing things for others. I actually love being touched and feeling physically close to partners. This is the second time in my whole life where I've gone off it completely which is why I feel it might be a serious sign my body is trying to give me that things aren't right and I might need out.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 08/02/2020 08:46

He's showing no respect for you with all the touching.

And how convenient that he appears to be a Saint by moving in with you, rent free. If you kick him out, where to go is his problem, not yours but it is your home, in your name and you must not leave it.

Ydl22 · 08/02/2020 08:47

Just wanted to come on here and say I’m in a similar situation. In fact, I’ve had a series of relationships since my first (aged 18) that have lasted between 1 and 4 years. I only realised recently that I have a pattern of falling hard, getting serious and then getting the ick. Sometimes after a few months, sometimes years. My last relationship before dh, we were together for 3 years and I just woke up one day with the ick and never really recovered from it.

Myself and dh have been together for just short of 9 years and have 3 young dc. I’m getting the ick again. I’ve tried so hard not to and to really make an effort to push past it. It’s not helped by the fact that dh puts in zero effort and spends very little time at home. He will occasionally initiate sex but most of the time seems as if he isn’t bothered and never tries to get me in the mood or anything like that. It’s getting surfer and harder to not feel repulsed by him. I haven’t kissed him on the lips in a long time. The thought makes me sick.

Like you, I haven’t gone off sex at all. I see other men and fancy them and know that isn’t right. It’s just hard having that conversation as I honestly think he doesn’t realise how bad it is. I would never be unfaithful to him but I also know I can’t bear his for the rest of my life. It’s just so hard to break free.

Sorry, not sure if that’s any help to you. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, once the ick comes, it’s so, so difficult to shake it off.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:47

Thanks.

I just wanted to see how I really felt without the pressure of it all. Without his presence sort of clouding everything. When you have small kids and a hectic life and then marriage issues it really makes it hard to stop and assess things especially if the other person won't just give you some space, mentally and physically.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:47

Are you then expected to say that you do love him? And then he does it again and again and again?

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:49

ydl that is helpful, thank you. I'm sorry you know how it feels though. God I'd love to not have to kiss H for a while. It feels horrible and salivary and bristly because I have the ick.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:49

Now there's the real issue: he is a drain on you mentally and physically. That's why you need a break. He is dragging you down.