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Original poster

I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

408 replies

Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 21:55

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:18

Thanks kelly

We do have regularly have date nights and the like. And we've been working on our relationship all year. It's just not working yet. (If it will).

OP posts:
doodleygirl · 08/02/2020 00:18

If you are married the house is a marital asset, doesn’t matter whose name it’s in

user764329056 · 08/02/2020 00:20

Honestly I think once it’s died it can’t be revived

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:23

It's a rental and he's not on the tenancy.

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:28

Thank you for the replies. It's helpful to vent somewhere and hear different opinions and experiences.

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Justaboy · 08/02/2020 00:37

Did he do something to "deserve" this like have an affair or whatever?

You mewntion ;

My dh and I also reached a crisis point last year where I had to give him a final ultimatum: be the husband and father this family deserves or he had to move out

Can you say that that was about I presume that this was the start of this downhill slope?..

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:38

I find myself wishing there was something big like an affair or betrayal at play so the decision was easier and easier to explain.

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Justaboy · 08/02/2020 00:40

Honestly I think once it’s died it can’t be revived

A man i once knew seemed very knowagable on this he equated it to ;

"When a woman blows an emotional fuse"

!

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:41

justaboy that wasn't my comment. That was kellys

But our rocky patch started about 6 months after I secretly started feeling off sex. I initially put it down to all sorts. But only realised it wasn't shifting about 8 months into the dry spell.

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:42

I don't expect to fancy someone 24/7 but the repulsion is a much bigger issue to me. It can't really be ignored.

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Justaboy · 08/02/2020 00:44

OK Lhia29 its getting late, leave trying the explain if you need!.

I'm just trying to undertand why this happned and I suppose as a man can't help feeling a bit sorry for him if he dosent know or relaise how you feel?

Do you think a trial live apart serperation to "reset" things could be an answer?.

Justaboy · 08/02/2020 00:45

My bad ommited a erference!!
justaboy that wasn't my comment. That was kellys

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:47

That's ok. I suggested a break a month ago and he blew his top so that's a no go. He said I could go to my mums but he can't go anywhere as he's nowhere to go (hid DB could put him up if he was desperate but nevermind). So that's that on the break front. I'd have liked to try it

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:49

*his db/brother

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:51

He does know how I feel in that I don't want to have sex right now and just want to work on things. He doesn't know quite how unattracted I've become though (but I think he senses it on some level hence the constant touching).

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Justaboy · 08/02/2020 00:54

and he blew his top

Humm seems i think theres more to this that you don't want to expalin or can't be bothered to . I think if that wa sa viable answer then if he did love you he'd clear off somewhere it really should be a problem for a while as this looks like its going the hit the rocks big time sooner anyway so a possibel chance he I think he ought take

Can you say is the just to do with Sex or does he "annoy" you in other ways whilst he's around as this has bene said in another thread a while ago?.

Justaboy · 08/02/2020 01:00

He does know how I feel in that I don't want to have sex right now

Yep thats a right sod of an issue that is, a lot of men think that sex is the way to show love to a woman. It can be very overwhelming when your younger I glad sometimes that now i'm that bit older its quietened down a lot!.

Still have some fun with a FWB GF also hoping that might go somehwere!

Hope for your sakes you can get it resolved 'ere long:!

Must go up the old apple and pears now! Nite!!

Snowfalling20 · 08/02/2020 01:01

I do think you have to work on yourself a bit as it’s been such a short time and you’ve had kids. It could well be issues you have that are about being a committed long term relationship.

Or it might be other stuff, however if your partner hasn’t changed and he is still the man who has qualities that you first saw, and he hasn’t changed into a horrible person, then it might well be that the novelty and excitement are what you are missing.

Worth taking time and not chucking it all in yet.

VenusTiger · 08/02/2020 01:10

The rose-tinted glasses have slipped OP and you no longer respect him. You may have forgiven him for what happened, but you can't let go of it and intimacy means you need to let go and totally trust him, and want him. You don't feel like this. Either get counselling and deal with the issues that you think are put to bed, but are clearly still niggling or end it. Good luck!

catspyjamas123 · 08/02/2020 01:14

@Lhia29 I'm lucky in that I own this house and he just moved in.

That’s not normally how people describe a rental?

You’re married so he will have a claim. The sooner you divorce, the less he can grab. If you’ve got the ick, get rid QUICK!

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 07:53

It's a council house. I meant it as in it was my place and he moved in.

I had some private therapy when things were rocky.

I don't think it's because I need or want the novelty. I hate the early relationship nerves and rollercoaster. It felt nice initially once that all died down a bit.

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 07:54

Before all this I loved the feeling of being married and that I thought I knew what my future looked like. It was security etc. Thanks for the replies

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midsummabreak · 08/02/2020 08:01

If you don't have respect you don't have a relationship It is just hanging on, but unhappily. Can you speak honestly with some good friends?

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:04

I could broach it with my closest friend. She knew we had a rough patch but not the specifics or that I'm still struggling.

I didn't lose all respect but I lost a lot. He was a lousy dad for a good 2yrs and had only just stepped up.

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:04

*has

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