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Original poster

I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

408 replies

Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 21:55

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 09:09

In his mind violence is acceptable if you are being horrible. Couldn't be clearer could it? Do you alter your behaviour to stop him getting angry or saying that you are horrible?

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:10

Last night did make me wonder wtf he's playing at. I think he was more obvious because he was too pissed to be subtle about it. So coming home and trying to see my boobs and making a shitty jokey comment about me not sleeping with him really felt like a 'tadaa' moment. Like 'tadaa' he actually doesn't give a shit about your boundaries and is just pretending to, very badly, so you don't kick him out. (but he is doing an awful job of it).

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/02/2020 09:10

He can be very angry. It's only happened once or twice and never directes at me, but around me. He smashed a TV remote at the wall once mid argument and threw something small in my direction while walking out the room mid argument.

Throwing stuff in a temper is domestic violence. He's saying if you push me, next time it'll be you. So subconsciously you amend your behaviour, bit by bit, until you're afraid to challenge him on little things in case he gets angry. I've never read it but i hear a lot about the book "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft. Might be worth a look and see if you recognise him.

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Relationship problems
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:12

Hes not done it since. That was a year ago. It was unacceptable though in my eyes.

I do still pull him up on lots of behaviours. It's the cause of a lot of our tension. I'm not a total doormat in that I won't say anything. But he makes it hard to do so. The stonewalling, the "but I did so much for you" etc.

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/02/2020 09:12

You are NOT stupid. Don't tell yourself that. You've been taken in by a conman. This is the real him. Is there anyone you can talk to in real life for support? Telling someone you can trust can help you feel less alone.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/02/2020 09:13

He hasnt done it since. Is that because he doesn't need to, because it had the desired aim - to make you more compliant and less likely to challenge him?

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:14

I did say to him at the time, you're 6ft 6,yiu can't be using your physicality to intimidate me. I think he hasn't done it since because he knew it was too far and he'd lose me, the kids and a place to live. But then he's upped the ante with this sex pest bollocks and carried on being a lazy dad at the time

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 09:15

I don't pull my DH up on lots of behaviours. He is a nice man. DH doesn't have to pull me up either.

You have to be the behaviour police?

Interestedwoman · 08/02/2020 09:15

The grabbing you is sexual assault. All this nagging,, pestering, and assault would've put you off him even if you weren't put off him already.

You're right, he doesn't respect your sexual boundaries, he's constantly pushing at them. That's disgusting and annoying.

I recently dumped someone over a similar issue. Unfortunately, it's not unknown for men to nag in an unpleasant, manipulative, even assaultative way for sex acts. I plan to try not to tolerate it again.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:16

Im going to tell my friend tomorrow. I'm seeing her anyway. She'll be supportive. Her exh was physically abusive and a pos but seemed lovely to outsiders. So I know she'll be inclined to believe me etc.

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/02/2020 09:17

That's good I'm glad you'll have someone to talk to who has been there.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 09:17

Cocklodger. Look at all the times he has done something just because he is thinking about what would be good for you. Now on the other side look at all the things he does to maintain access to your house and body.

LouReidDododo · 08/02/2020 09:18

Well Op after reading your posts it’s a bit of a different situation.

I was coming on to say I got the ick with dd1 dad and had to leave. I wanted out. It was like night and day I couldn’t wait to be shot.

With dh we’ve been married ten years and at some points I’ve lost my attraction to him but I love him dearly and it’s always returned. It’s always coincided with stressful periods.

But in your situation I’d just want out

Nat6999 · 08/02/2020 09:18

I knew my marriage was over when exh was in hospital for 2 months & I realised that I didn't want him to come home. One of the mums at school had been talking about an OLD site, just messing around I set up a profile & started chatting to other men. I had lost loads of weight over the space of 6 months, I got my hair & nails done & bought lots of new clothes, I couldn't bear to be in the same room as him. Within 8 weeks I had left him, he turned even nastier than he already was, resulting in him raping me & threatening to burn the house down with me & ds in it.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:20

torktork that's a good point. I feel like his mum sometimes and that is unsexy all on its own.

interested sorry you've had similar. That's shite. It does seem quite common. I've read a few threads on here when I was looking for similar threads to help me decide that describe similar situations. I won't lie, in my gut it feels a bit rapey, but then I feel I'm being ott because I could say no and he wouldnt physically force me, and when I cried the last time he was horrified and stopped immediately etc. But it's not black and white I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:23

torktork thanks. That's a helpful way to tally it up.

Nat christ! How awful Flowers I hope he got in trouble with the law for that. I had a minor assault happen (not full sex) when I was 13 and it took ages and a lot of therapy to unpick that from my psyche.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:26

Posted too soon.

I find it weird in that if I wanted to have sex with my partner and they weren't already keen I'd just drop it. Because I wouldnt want to feel they're just doing it for me and because it would feel degrading to ultimately beg for sex. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it if I got it because it would feel... Rapey/coecive. If that makes sense. I know h needs it to feel loved and reassured but surely not at that cost. It's just shit.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 09:29

Sweetheart the reason he wants to feel loved and reassured is that he wants the house and your body. He wants reassurance that he can continue to be a rapey cocklodger and you aren't going to stop him.

Batqueen · 08/02/2020 09:29

Hi OP, this is what I was trying to allude to last night but I didn’t feel that I knew enough about your husband but after your updates. . .

it feels a bit rapey

Exactly, because he is guilting you into doing things you don’t want to do.

He is not some poor guy you just started to get the ick about. You are no longer attracted to him as a direct result of his behaviour!

Justaboy · 08/02/2020 09:30

Lhia29 This situation is starting to sound dangerous, if i were you i'd start making plans to get Mr Toxic out of your life!

candycane222 · 08/02/2020 09:31

He doesn't 'need' sex to feel loved and reassured. It would be nice for him if you wanted it too, but as with insisting after your section, it seems he sees it as his right. Which , I don't need to day, it isn't.

Nat6999 · 08/02/2020 09:33

I reported the rape after I left him, did the video interview at the rape suite & everything but the CPS wouldn't charge him & he got away with it due to the family courts forcing me to have to speak to him over ds with the threat of me losing custody & having to do handovers for his access. He threatened to burn the house down the day I left him & ds who was only 6 dialled 999, I spoke to the operator, told them it was a mistake but they sent the police round, I packed mine & ds bags & the police helped me to the car with our stuff & we went to a hotel. With hindsight I should have asked them to force him to leave, it was my house, I owned it before we got married.

BlimeyCalmDown · 08/02/2020 09:35

Maybe a soft exit would be better for both of you - a trial separation perhaps? One way or another you can't continue with the ick

Nat6999 · 08/02/2020 09:36

If you can get your head around it, tell him to leave, that the relationship is over before things escalate like they did with me. It isn't your responsibility that he may have to sofa surf, your only responsibility it to yourself & your dc.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:37

nat how shite. I told the police about my incident as the other person was 18, so it was statutory rape etc. Didn't go anywhere though. Unfortunately it rarely does. Well done for reporting though. I found it helped take some power back.

Thank you. God I do need to just tell him to leave. If I said I just don't love him he'd leave. Then I don't have to give specific reasons. I don't think it would end well if I went into the nitty gritty because he doesn't see it as an issue etc. Itd be easier to just say whetever will get him out.

OP posts: