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Original poster

I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

408 replies

Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 21:55

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:15

Thank you Tess

I probably am trying to disconnect the 2 when there definitely was some added damage to how I feel about him during this year.(He wasn't great and an ultimatum was what finally made him step up but now, horribly, I'm wondering if its a bit late). Could be me over thinking it though. It's a talent of mine!

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WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 07/02/2020 23:16

This is hard OP.

In my experience, this is a crack in the relationship that cannot be papered over. You will come to resent his very presence in your life & it will become a cold war. Give some serious thought to extricating yourself in a way that will cause the least hurt to everybody (including yourself)

I wish you luck. Flowers

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:21

Thanks anchor

I think I'm apprehensive about it because when I mentioned the possibility of divorce during the bumpy patch he seemed so heartbroken. So I guess Ive been waiting and trying to see if it's a phase or not. This is my longest relationship and only marriage and when I felt like this in previous ones I never got past it so I guess I'm just not certain what I should do yet.

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:23

I say that but if we weren't married and were childless I'd have done us both a favour and ended it. But it's much messier with kids and all that entwined family. They are young though. 2 and 9. I would really like to avoid a seperation during their teen years.

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Whiskeylover45 · 07/02/2020 23:24

I felt this way about an ex and we shortly broke up. Sex itself is an important part of a relationship, if he needs it its valid to him, however you not wanting to have it with him is also valid and trumps his desire to have it. It sounds like this neediness to have sex to feel loved is a massive turn off for you. I understand this. Neediness for sex is as much as a turn off as apathy. Unfortunatly the two feed off each other, such as one party doesnt want it, the other then feels insecure and wants it more. Either way the two are incompatible.

I think from your OP though, that there are bigger issues at stake here than the sex issue. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to be honest with your partner about how you feel, and vice versa. If you feel you cant sit him down and work through your issues together and be honest then there is no basis going forward. Communication and sex go hand in hand.

All you can do is be honest with him and if he is a good partner he will listen to you and work with you. If not, then you need to have a good hard think about what is going wrong between you.

Relationships need communication to thrive, and IMO once it breaks down then it's either work really hard to reestablish it, or call it a day. Only you can make that decision. I wish you all the best

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:27

I sound really fickle reading all that back. I should just decide either way because I'm miserable with it and H is feeling insecure. I just need the balls to stick with what I decide and I just hope I don't regret it.

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:30

Yeah he kept stonewalling me. About any issue I brought up. So I stopped. Until I reached breaking point and now we're communicating again and he's working on not shitting me down or ignoring things/me. It took getting to the ledge of divorce to get him there though and it's like he stepped back and is doing OK with everything but I can't force myself back to where I want to be. It's not for lack of trying or wanting to.

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:30

*shutting - bloody autocorrect Grin

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:32

I do still love him but it feels platonic Blush

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PickAChew · 07/02/2020 23:33

I think that when you've been married for such a short time, it's probably fatal. This is what he looks like with the lust goggles removed.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:36

Doesn't help that I finally took the plunge and said I need a sex-hiatus and he's still trying to be sexual and asking me repeatedly for things of that nature like letting him just do oral (sorry, tmi). To me that's still sex and honestly I just want my boundaries respected for a while. Same with groping my boobs. Sorry, that's not massively relevant but it's just a bit of a rant because I haven't spoken to anyone about this.

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Porpoises · 07/02/2020 23:45

That's very relevant. Sounds like either you feel unable to express clear boundaries to him, or he is unable to hear and respect them. Either way its not a sign of an emotionally healthy relationship.

Batqueen · 07/02/2020 23:48

I feel the ick comes about because you feel emotionally disconnected from someone but because you are trying to make it work they are physically needy so you feel coerced into being more physically intimate than you want. It ends up with a massive feeling of disconnect because you have detached from your body.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:51

He does then say that yes not pressuring me, he just loves me and is being affectionate. When I said oral is still sex, for me at least, he disagreed (albeit jokingly). So it is a bit crap of him to be blurring the lines that I have made clear. But he's just being mindless rather than willfully ignoring it iyswim. It doesn't help though.

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MiniMum97 · 07/02/2020 23:51

We used to call it the creeps. There's no going back from the creeps I'm afraid. It's game over.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:52

batqueen that's so spot on. I'm just zoning out now when we kiss for longer than I'd like or he's being really hands on cuddly. I cried the last time we had sex which was breaking point for me.

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 23:54

He's on his way back now and will want to spoon and I'm preemptively cringing. Poor bugger.

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Batqueen · 07/02/2020 23:59

No wonder you have the ick! You are having sex acts performed on you that you don’t want.

Think about that

Your husband may not realise it, in his head he is just trying to get close to you, but what is happening is that you are feeling sexually violated.

Justaboy · 08/02/2020 00:01

This is my longest relationship and only marriage and when I felt like this in previous ones I never got past it so I guess I'm just not certain what I should do yet.

Dr Just here, just asking how many times this has happened just curious! Well a bit more that the!

MotherForkinShirtBalls · 08/02/2020 00:02

Ugh, I have the ick from your description of his lack of respect for you. That's grim on so many levels.

Batqueen · 08/02/2020 00:02

Also, you need to stop feeling sorry for your husband here, your needs to have your boundaries respected are critical here or you could find it really affects you in the future.

Your husband most definitely will not stand ANY chance with you if he doesn’t give you some space.

eyemask · 08/02/2020 00:12

You're coming across like you're putting up with this so as not to hurt his feelings. I think you need to focus on you, you deserve to be happy in a relationship or marriage. The children will adapt. My parents divorced once I'd left home but I certainly knew through my teen years that there was nothing between them beyond two adults sharing a house. I would rather them have been happier separately than miserable together.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:13

It's only happened seriously once before and I ended it. That was after 1yr. And once in my teens but I don't really count that as I was only 17.

It is a violation of sorts. I need to reiterate that to him. I told him to stop with the boob stuff a minute ago because he tried it again on passing. I'm not a toy.

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Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 00:14

Thanks for all the replies. Ugh. I need to sort it out.

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KellyHall · 08/02/2020 00:16

Are you close in other ways? Do you make time for each other, away from children and screens, to remember why you were attracted to each other?

My dh and I also reached a crisis point last year where I had to give him a final ultimatum: be the husband and father this family deserves or he had to move out. I had planned every aspect in great detail and I was absolutely ready to put the plan in to action. We hadn't had sex for ages because I felt so much resentment and contempt in our relationship, the mere idea of letting him touch me or me touch him made me feel quite ill.

It's only recently, after months of him showing my and dd 100% love and respect that I've allowed myself to be that vulnerable and exposed around him. It was a bit cringe at first but now it feels nice again.

We've been together for 6 years and I am absolutely sure he is the love of my life. But I have had times where I wished he'd cease to exist and that doesn't typically encourage attraction!