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Original poster

I can't shake the ick. Does it always end in divorce?

408 replies

Lhia29 · 07/02/2020 21:55

I don't want to dripfeed but I also don't want to say anything too outing. But the key details are that we've been together 5 years. Have 2dc (one from my previous relationship). Lived together 4years.

We've been having issues which are now almost completely settled. However for the last year ive felt increasingly unattracted to H. I can't pinpoint why but I doubt our issues helped. I was forcing myself to have sex once or twice a week. But I just can't anymore. It's physical repulsion now. Like kissing a relative. Things weren't massively well and we almost split this year but decided to work on things and it's been going well objectively.

But I have this gut feeling that something vital died this year. I've scoured Google for similar stories and it's such a mixed bag. Did anyone stay for the DCs? Did anyone wait to see if it got better? Did anyone leave and it actually be the best thing for both parties? Sex makes h feel loved and I know hes feeling rejected. But I also can't force myself to do it anymore. I feel so dirty and detached after. Sorry, that's a total ramble!

OP posts:
Aozora13 · 08/02/2020 08:49

He’s giving me the ick too. You’ve clearly told him that you need some space from all things sexual and he’s completely disrespecting that and behaving like a sex-starved teenager. Creepy comments and boob honking are not a turn on!

It feels symptomatic of a deeper rift that neither of you knows how to close - but whether or not you want to is another matter.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:50

torktork yes, when I think about it, that is how it's been going on.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:51

How much time is he spending working out how to make you feel happier in the marriage?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:51

Aozora I did want to. But the way he's been since I gave him the ultimatum (just suddenly needing constant physical reassurance and contact) has made me doubt it.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 08/02/2020 08:52

Morning Lhia29

Hope you got some "undisturbed" sleep! Seems to me the more you write on this the more I think what ever was it you saw in him in the first place or was it some sort of "Yay! I've got meself a man"?.

I think the not wanting him to touch me is a sympton that you don't "respect" him anymore among other things.

So at the moment he's a grade 1 cocklodger with nowhere to go?

A self respecting man wouldn't be in that position so no wonder you don't have any respect for him. Interpret "respect" for positive feelings if you will.

I reckon this isn't going to get any better as a relationship the sooner its put out of its misery - the better as painfull as this may be, Sorry:(

Sally872 Nowt surprising there thats how the pill works as a contraceptive it simply stops any desire!

I reckon that a lot of "shes gone off the boil" complaints are due to those damm things! theres another story behind that but not for poor Liha's thread!

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:53

Torktork I couldn't say. He does keep asking if I'm OK, how I'm feeling about us etc. But I'm having to be delicate because he's a bit defensive. He's trying on the dad front and housework front. It's just the interpersonal stuff between us that's becoming a bit odd and uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:54

He love bombed me at the start, which I see now. He did everything and made so much effort. It was all very extravagant. In hindsight I was very naive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:55

It went to pot the second DS was born. He spent paternity leave on the PlayStation and wanted sex 11 days after my C section.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:55

Why does him being defensive mean you have to be delicate? Is his ego a problem? Is he never allowed to be upset? Are you responsible for making sure he never feels bad? Even about things he should feel bad about?

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:57

The more I say and drag up the more I actually think wtf. I know if I was talking to a friend in this situation I'd ask her why the hell she was even bothering. It feels so much more complicated when you're in it.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:57

Ah right, that shows it all. He does not give any fucks about you as a person. He wants access to your house and body. Cocklodger.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/02/2020 08:57

Oh my god he sounds awful. Like living with constant claustrophobia. You shouldn't need to constantly ask someone not to touch you sexually when you don't want to be. He should respect your boundaries. And he don't. Add to that he stonewalls you, coerces you into sex, won't give you emotional space, tells you if you want rid of him you're the one who has to move out of YOUR house.. is one or more of the children not his? You mentioned he took on a single parent. What reasonable person would expect you to move out of your house away from your child just because he doesn't want to think of somewhere else to go? If he rented a room in a house share before he can do so again.

Your instincts are telling you something. Please listen. Although I'm concerned about him blowing his top. Id be wondering if he might be little bit on the abusive side.. he's got my spidey senses tingling. Well. Having said that. The sexual touching and coercion is definitely abuse. You don't have to live like this. Where he goes is not your problem.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 08:58

It just becomes pointless if he gets too defensive. It all becomes "I've done so much for you" "you and the boys are my life" and lots of either anger or crying. It's ridiculous.

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 08/02/2020 08:58

He stepped up but - too little, too late. By the point he stepped up, you'd got to the end of your tether.

Can you imagine feeling like this in 5 years, in 10, in 20?
Leave now whilst the 2 year old is so young. It'll be harder for him psychologically as he gets older. At 2 he won't properly remember living with his father.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 08:59

Anger and crying. Yep cocklodger. Has learned to manipulate you into continuing to offer up your house and body.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:01

He can be very angry. It's only happened once or twice and never directes at me, but around me. He smashed a TV remote at the wall once mid argument and threw something small in my direction while walking out the room mid argument.

It is a bit cock lodgery. It wasn't, at first. I wouldn't have accepted things how they are now if that was how it was from the start. It was like he had a personality transplant when I was pregnant.

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/02/2020 09:01

Why does him being defensive mean you have to be delicate? Is his ego a problem? Is he never allowed to be upset? Are you responsible for making sure he never feels bad? Even about things he should feel bad about?

This this this. I spent many hours in therapy learning exactly this lesson about various people in my life.

TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 09:02

Abusive cocklodger.

This is how it happens. It does not start on day 1.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:02

*directed

I did leave for the day, the day that he threw something in my direction. And tell him he was being toxic. He promised never to do it again. God it all sounds a bit textbook out loud and I feel pretty stupid Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:04

(Oh and yes, my eldest, 9 isn't his).

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 09:05

Wait, he lost it so badly that he threw something at you and you left your house for the day? He didn't remove himself immediately himself? Well now. Doesn't that say a lot.

Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:06

Thanks for the replies it's been really helpful and eye opening to say it all somewhere relatively safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:06

I know! Initially it's because he said it was harmless and I was being horrible (in the argument).

OP posts:
Original poster
Lhia29 · 08/02/2020 09:07

I was so mad I had to leave because I couldn't be anywhere near him and wanted the boys out of his way if he was in such a foul mood.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 08/02/2020 09:07

Don't feel stupid. These behaviours can creep up on you. Very common to start when you are trapped by pregnancy/children. Open your eyes now though. You are that frog in the boiling pot.