Unplugged and took router to work with me, how should I play this?

[Nelumbo]

So I am utterly fed up with my 13yr old DD and 16yr old DS.
They seem to be completely incapable of picking up after themselves or even putting anything in a rubbish bin.
I know this is normal teenage behaviour, but being a single full time working mum, I am finding it a struggle will no help at all.

Yesterday nothing was done as I was unwell and fell asleep on the sofa, not one of them even tried to do anything to help, even though I had asked, so this morning I was faced with all of yesterday's dirty dishes, crap all over the floor, no kitchen space to make my breakfast etc. So I calmly unplugged the router and took it completely out of the house.

It's mainly the fact that they don't just pick up after themselves, or just leave rubbish lying around so the house always feels like a dump. I'm not really asking them to do major cleaning, apart from keeping their own rooms tidy and putting stuff in the dishwasher.

I have had numerous battles with them, and I don't think I ask for much
My DS is also staying up too late and not leaving for college on time in the mornings, so he is constantly late.
I'm always turning the WiFi off, and after a bit of moaning they may eventually do something, but once they do and they get it back, we go through the whole process again, as they never seem to learn. It's so draining.
I took my son's xbox off him for a day last week, all he did was moan and ask why, he eventually done a few things and said he would help more, and leave for college in time, but he is back to sitting on it for hours and hours without a break.

They are due home soon and I won't be back for 2 hrs after them and they won't realise till they get home.

Any suggestions on how to play it this time?
Oh and I already get 'you are stopping me from doing my school/college work'
Plus I like to chill out and do a bit of internet browsing when I get in from work!

Same in my house OP but worse.

Mine behave even more appallingly if i turn off wifi, i have to physically remove cable or they keep switching it back on and to my disbelief, they recently started coming for that.

Have taken note of the TPDeco system and am seriously considering it (with other parental controls tried -to help with over tired teens/late hours access/ make better choices- the tecky horrors have managed to bypass ) . It would help if I could selectively set reasonable access hours for different devices (since reasoning and other logical consequences are no longer effective, so an inarguable structure would benefit them and me)

I'm guessing you use TPDeco system to replace the router that internet provider gives you? Would be lovely to hear a bit more from PP that said s/he uses that- the basics of how it works and what model/features /equipment you think most important. I've been Googling!!

Your DD needs to step up.

@Starlink why just her DD?

@Starlink yes why the daughter? The son is older and should shoulder more responsibility, my four were all expected to tidy up, make their beds etc bar one they all cook my youngest (son) cooks regularly during the week when home from uni, his girlfriend of 3 years, noticed how good and helpful he is and commended me for it. I’ve always wanted to have good relationships with their partners and I do, but you have to be firm, fair and consistent.

Agree that taking stuff away for one day or a few hours doesn’t work. If the Xbox is having that much of an effect I’d just pack it up and remove it all together. All day spent in his room playing it is not healthy. He can’t stop it, you need to help him.

@Starlink hoping you pressed post too soon and had something else to say. Either that or you misread the ops posts about her ds and dd. If I’m wrong, wtf!

@Straycatstruthr gets screen time for a hour and a half late at night???

That's mad. Firs he sleep well?

I'd be inclined to only give a 7yo half an hour as early as possible. Eg, between homework and dinner.

Then no screens after dinner. That time is for playing/reading/bath etc

I have restricted all the WiFi on their devices today as I thought they had done everything on their lists last night, but discovered this morning that actually a few bits were missed. DS however did cook dinner last night and did spend a bit longer downstairs having a normal conversation with me.

I tried searching how he had hidden the Xbox from the network but didn't get very far, though looking at the access controls again today I think it's there just under a different name, so have blocked it, he isn't even up yet so I will soon find out if he cant access it.
So I still have my access, if this works it should be better than taking routers, whole devices, or constantly changing passwords!

In terms of the suggestions made about putting all their rubbish on their beds, not doing washing, leaving the wet towels, been there, they honestly couldn't care less.
My DD has a permanent pile of dirty clothes on her bed, and usually its a full of crumbs, wrappers etc, the amount of times I have had to have a conversation about that!
I never pick up the wet towels for them and again they don't care if it makes the pillow damp, they also don't care about using a dirty towel.
As for washing, again they don't care, my son has started washing his own clothes sometimes, but frustratingly very late the night before he needs them for college the next day, then doesn't hang it out, when I remind him to do it, usually several times, when he does he just throws it all over the radiators all screwed up, sometimes shoving any stuff I have drying aside.
I again only last week showed him how to hang things up, so they not only dry quicker but won't be totally creased up, he doesn't want to hear it cos 'his way is fine' he then has damp creased up clothes to wear, but it hasn't made him change.
I have stopped washing any of his socks, as I have been asking for years for him to simply pair them up before putting in the wash basket as I was so fed up of searching for the other pair, he still will not do it.
So he either now wears dirty socks, or when he washes them he just washes a load of random ones

The plan is too keep the restrictions in place all day today, it will be miserable, my DD has already given a bit of attitude this morning, and they will probably just stay in their rooms all day trying to avoid me, like they have done before, when I have done this sigh

Working on yet another list of daily stuff that they should be doing, done it all before, but everyone is right, I probably am just too soft, and give things back to soon. Maybe it's because I don't want our relationship to deteriorate and as I say this weekend will be miserable, they will avoid me and bicker between themselves.
I'm trying to think longer term, but it is tough.

There are a couple of ways your DS could be hiding his device. The advice on this link may give you some tools and ideas about how to ‘discover’ any devices that are being hidden.

www.quora.com/How-do-I-get-to-know-if-there-are-any-hidden-devices-connected-to-my-JioFi-WiFi-router

Irony is the time it took him to cloak his device he could probably have done the simple items you asked him to do....

It is tough, but has to be done.
If they want to stay in their rooms let them get on with it.
Son wants to wear crumpled clothes honestly let him.

And if they still want to act like small children, you can buy blackboard sticker stuff. Get some, find a place to stick some and put up a weekly chore chart. Good thing it only needs doing once. Leave it somewhere public, they will hate their mates seeing and want it gone quickly. And until they start to become the responsible young adults it stays.

he then has damp creased up clothes to wear, but it hasn't made him change.

Who cares? That doesn't affect you so let him get on with it.

I'd focus on household chores. If their rooms are like hovels shut the doors and leave them to it. Same with clothes etc. If they are dirty/damp/crumpled leave them to it. Comments from pals are more likely to impact than anything you say. In my experience it's like white noise to them and we can wind ourselves into a frenzy pointlessly.

Let them know what you expect, and then let them get on with it or not and try to detach as much as you can (easier said than done I know!). Hope you have a good weekend.

I wouldn't take the whole console, just the lead with the plug on! 👍

@Didshereally The router is there but the TP deco is attached to it. Or vv. And then we have the two other TP mesh things which extend the wifi and have some stuff hard wired into. I can see who is looking at which websites and using which apps (some are listed under itunes or facebook, some are more vague) and you can also block types of app/access like gaming, social media. Basically you set up a profile, add devices to that profile and then limit time and/or access.

It has changed everything - wifi is now seen more as a privilege than a right, and I have the power. They haven't worked out how to bypass it at all - even I cant work out how to get the bloody thing to accept the external back up disc isn't a virus trying to hack in!

Don't waiver.
Don't give in.

Let them suffer, sounds like they all need a good hard kick up their stuck-up arses.

@FoamingAtTheUterus I see your selfie and shit eating grin idea... and raise you a massive thumbs up to go with the massive shit eating grin! OP I salute you, I have been known to leave the house with their charges, console remotes and all the TV remotes in the house before, and they haven't got them back until their chores are done. Never seen my kids move so fast, and one of them is a sprinter!

Did you actually acknowledge the efforts they had made? I think saying that you are continuing the punishment today because there were a few little things you hadn't noticed sounds a bit disproportionate. Don't aim for perfection because you'll never get there and live in a constant state of conflict and resentment. Nobody of any age is perfect. Aim for fair, reasonable and acknowledge the positives. Just something like, Well done guys. That's loads better. You can have the router back as soon as you finish off the xyz changes the tone from negative and critical to positive.

The most helpful lesson I learnt with teens was pick your battles or life becomes one constant argument.If it doesn't affect you then it's not worth fighting over.

Pairing socks? If ds doesn't care if he's wearing odd socks why should you?

Creased clothes? Again. He's old enough to choose whether he's happy to wear clothes with creases or not.

Bedrooms a tip? Shut their doors. If they choose to live like that then let them. Believe me, as soon as they want to bring a girl/boy friend home the rooms will be miraculously spotless.

But for example, cleaning the kitchen, sharing the cooking, cleaning of bathrooms etc affects you all and it's only fair they do their bit.

They can do homework at school and if important, let them on for 1 hour or 2 hours then turn off. If they say they still need for homework, check their phones etc to see what they were doing. If they don't get done, then they can go to school early to do or get detention. Just set your boundaries and ignore the chatter.

I wouldn't take the whole console, just the lead with the plug on!

Even better is to remove the plug 😁
Most kids have no idea how to rewire one.

When DS is up, keep checking in on the router every hour. He probably changed the IP address for his Xbox (it would just show up but with a different name) and he can just do it again and again..so you need to keep blocking any device you dont recognise or get an add on piece of software that blocks anything that you havent approved. Its called white listing, choosing what you want to allow rather than black listing, choosing what you want to block. I use a device called circle (but Im in the US) its been very effective as I have the settings for any new device joining my wifi set to nursery level access (in terms of content) and only available from 6am until 7am in the morning. To get off that setting and onto a more reasonable one (I have one set up for each of the kids and another for DH and me) you have to let me know your device’s IP address and if you change it or cloak it, you are kicked back to the nursery setting. I can then pause each child at will, and can set individual bedtimes etc, its fab

I dont think I've ever needed to take away stuff as punishment in 22 years of parenting. And that's not me being smug, my kids are lazy brats too, but taking stuff away makes no difference in the long term. I highly doubt they will learn. They just bend to your will to get their "thing" back, then revert back to lazy/rude/ungrateful.
I'd hate to live in a house where I had to assert my authority like that constantly to get anywhere. I just have to give mine 'the glare' and they know I mean business. They drag their heels and moan but it gets done.

@StormBaby

So when that “glare” hasn’t worked, what have you followed up with?

@Changeembrace I've never needed to escalate it. I probably raise my voice once a year, so when I do have to, they know I bloody mean it. I can't even say I've been blessed with well behaved kids particularly, they can be wild and my eldest is a lazy bugger, but I put it down to a younger one having SEN so I've had to learn to lower my expectations massively.
I really told my SEN child off on holiday 18 months ago for being rude and that was the last time I raised my voice. He's not done it since. More recently, last summer, my SD and my son were arguing over a charger and it broke so I took it away and chucked it in the bin. That was literally the last time I admonished them. All of this punishment/taking stuff away achieves very very little long term. How would you feel if you forgot to do something minor at work, like the shredding, so your boss took your lunch break away? Would you feel motivated to do better next time? Doubt it!

* so I took it away and chucked it in the bin.*

* I dont think I've ever needed to take away stuff as punishment in 22 years of parenting*

@Changeembrace
You missed the part where I clearly said they'd broken it