Unplugged and took router to work with me, how should I play this?

[Nelumbo]

So I am utterly fed up with my 13yr old DD and 16yr old DS.
They seem to be completely incapable of picking up after themselves or even putting anything in a rubbish bin.
I know this is normal teenage behaviour, but being a single full time working mum, I am finding it a struggle will no help at all.

Yesterday nothing was done as I was unwell and fell asleep on the sofa, not one of them even tried to do anything to help, even though I had asked, so this morning I was faced with all of yesterday's dirty dishes, crap all over the floor, no kitchen space to make my breakfast etc. So I calmly unplugged the router and took it completely out of the house.

It's mainly the fact that they don't just pick up after themselves, or just leave rubbish lying around so the house always feels like a dump. I'm not really asking them to do major cleaning, apart from keeping their own rooms tidy and putting stuff in the dishwasher.

I have had numerous battles with them, and I don't think I ask for much
My DS is also staying up too late and not leaving for college on time in the mornings, so he is constantly late.
I'm always turning the WiFi off, and after a bit of moaning they may eventually do something, but once they do and they get it back, we go through the whole process again, as they never seem to learn. It's so draining.
I took my son's xbox off him for a day last week, all he did was moan and ask why, he eventually done a few things and said he would help more, and leave for college in time, but he is back to sitting on it for hours and hours without a break.

They are due home soon and I won't be back for 2 hrs after them and they won't realise till they get home.

Any suggestions on how to play it this time?
Oh and I already get 'you are stopping me from doing my school/college work'
Plus I like to chill out and do a bit of internet browsing when I get in from work!

Does he talk to mates from your previous area through his x box? I’d be wary of removing his only way to socialise if that’s what he’s doing, particularly given the rate of depression/suicide in young men. Working in a school, I unfortunately see far too many boys with mental health problems. I can think of 4 in one year group who are seriously concerning us currently.

I am not attempting to diagnose your ds over the Internet and I applaud the fact that you’re trying to get them to be helpful. I just think it’s a good idea, as a pp mentioned, to sit down with your ds and see if you can find out what the problem is. If it’s because he’s being a little shit, then carry on taking the x box. Bloody awful things.

My brother changes the WiFi password every day and nephews don’t get the password until they’ve completed their chores for the day. It works a treat!

This reminds me of when I took all the mouse balls from every PC to work with me. When mice had mouse balls. Came hone to find my son was trying to work his mouse with a tin foil ball that he had made :D

If he's constantly on the xbox then how is he supposed to go and make friends in the new area?

I moved around a load, gaming was in it's infancy. I gamed of course I did, but to get the social aspect of the new area I had to go out. It would not have helped to stay at home glued to a console even if it was an xbox/ps4 etc.

There are other ways to keep in touch with old mates that don't need a connection to the xbox/ps4 constantly. It's finding a balance that gets him active which we all know is great for MH, getting him doing chores, staying in contact with old friends and meeting new ones.

And yes I do understand the intricacies of living in a house where there's mh. A bit of leeway yes of course, same with any illness, but it's not a fully free get-out card. And I would be helping him to look at ways to get him out and about.

Although they are tech savvy, they don't always think about using google to search the local area for their interests.

And yes teens are very sneaky. That's why I take from the source. Never took mouses, cables, controls, keyboards etc. Block them and either a set monthly payg allowance or a low data contract. What is so important about their lives that they need access 24/7? And of course a no mobile in rooms overnight rule helped when access was turned off overnight.

I'd be saying this:

I work hard to pay for the internet, you need to do your bit around the house to earn the privilege of using it too. Work gets rewards. You get nothing in life for free.

They uinderstand that 10 minutes a day saves an hour doing in on a weekend

But that means more time cleaning, not less!

@C8H10N4O2 he has done something so that the device just doesn't show on the list so I cannot add any restrictions, if you know how to sort it, I'm all ears, this is why I just turn the WiFi completely off, though it does mean we all suffer.

We got the router sorted, was a just a cable pulled free thankfully.
Had quite a long chat with DS, well i say chat, but he doesn't say much.
Have explained all about responsibility, not being entitled, what I'm paying for, etc, which I have done many times before.
He did apologise and say he would try and do more, but I'm not holding my breath.
He has his xbox back for now as he tidied up after dinner, but I will be asking for certain things to be done by time I get home tommorrow or we will repeat this again.

It's exhausting

In terms of him struggling,yes he has been a bit, and I have spoken to him about it, and I have been very careful not too take his screens away for too long. However there has to be a limit, he will literally get up on a Saturday morning, say 10am, and go straight on his xbox, sometimes for an hr or 2 before even coming down for breakfast, then it's 5mins for a bowl of cereal, then he is back up there for the rest of the day only coming out of his room for toilet and food. He goes to bed at god knows what time, as I have given up on the battle to try and get him to turn everything off before I need to go to bed, as I just was to stressed before sleep every night. So he is basically on it all day, and he has the cheek to get all stropy when I ask him to even come downstairs! Or respond to me at all.
Yes there has to be some leway as he doesn't really have anything else to do, but he also can't just get away with sitting in front of a computer all day and kick up a fuss when he may have to help out a bit.

I've been making suggestions of other things to do to help him take a break but he just won't make it easy, not interested in looking for a hobbie or club he can do This is not good for his MH either and yes he does speak to a friend from his old area, but I would use the word friend with caution as this kid is not a great influence, he is several years younger, very immature and verges on harassment whenever my son isn't on the Xbox.
I think deep down he wants to do other things but finds getting away from this addiction hard, and the friend doesn't help. He also plays games that he cannot pause or if he leaves gets some sort of penalty (the game designers have alot to answer for)

Oh yeah and I have tried being specific about what they should be doing, doesn't work, plus I can't write a list everyday saying, put dirty bowl in dishwasher, hang coat up, put shoes away, clean teeth etc etc, surely they should be doing theses sorts of things without having to be asked anymore.

Ah well, let see what tomorrow brings :-)

plus I can't write a list everyday saying, put dirty bowl in dishwasher, hang coat up, put shoes away, clean teeth etc etc, surely they should be doing theses sorts of things without having to be asked anymore.

You don't have to do it every day. That list is so basic you do it once and tell them it's what they have to do - every day.

Just write one list if you must that list does not change day to day

And google what he has done to his xbox so you can fix it

@FeckTheMagicDragon - so sorry for the mice that don't have balls anymore...

'You don't have to do it every day. That list is so basic you do it once and tellthemit's what they have to do - every day.'

That's the problem, telling them to do this basic stuff doesn't work, I have to actually write it down for them, even then it doesn't work, unless I've taken something away

This is what I mean, they can't even get the basics done...wet towel left on floor/bed EVERY time, come on. Shoes,.coats, bags dumped anywhere, actual food wrappers on floors, clothes dumped anywhere, and my big bug bear bloody leaving empty packaging in cupboards!, it goes on.
It was suppose to be a lighthearted thread, but it actually makes me miserable.
I don't have many friends, don't go out, don't have any hobbies etc, I spend my life at work and home, I would just like a nice home at least, but it's impossible. I could spend a whole weekend cleaning and tidying, it will all be back within a day or two because the kids literally will not put anything away.

Hide the SSID. Change SSID and password every day. Pass this to your offspring when you are satisfied with their task completion. Yes, it will mean work on your part, but, as the saying goes, you can’t make omelettes without breaking eggs.

Nothing but support from me.

I was allowed free access to the 'net when I was a teen and it definitely had a negative impact. I wish the adults in my life had put limits on it.

Oh and changing the password, etc - I would have figured out a way around that. Taking the entire router is definitely the best method.

An IT competent child will find a cocktail stick to reset the router.

Remove the sticker that has the default password. ( but don’t loose it!)

Go you.
Keep it up.

I agree with a previous poster that in the majority, parenting standards are v low on MN.

I left a written list for both of them to do when they get home today, with the consequence of no Wi-Fi if not done. So see what happens

Shoes,.coats, bags dumped anywhere, actual food wrappers on floors, clothes dumped anywhere, and my big bug bear bloody leaving empty packaging in cupboards!,

Inconvenience them with it, and not just the WiFi. Dump it all on their pillows, hide their devices under it. Or bag it up and wait for them to run out of clothes and towels.

You need to toughen up. Sorry but I can see why they are doing this. You are too lenient and give them back stuff way too quick so of course they aren’t going to change.

Stop doing their washing for starters.
Put a proper 24/48 ban on the Xbox. And not this approach of a few hours. It’s not working.

Yes it’s a pain but change the password and disable the wps function. Have a look at extenders/routers that allow multiple accounts it will make things easier. And remember they can only reset it if it’s in their vicinity. At times mine was in my room, it’s very easy to buy an extension for this. And if you have children that don’t respect
Your privacy and will go hunting in your room, put a Lock on your door.

At the moment they know mum gets annoyed and eventually snaps so we lose WiFi for a few hours. We clean up, she gives us it back and eventually mum will stop this game and everything goes back to mum doing it all.

New rules - WiFi stays off until you no longer have
To remind them daily. They are teens not young children. They shouldn’t need this. I would tell them that the WiFi is going because clearly it’s having a detrimental effect on their memories.

They both have to start doing laundry. You will only wash what is in the basket and on set days.

They both have to start cooking a family meal each week. It’s up to them how they organise it,
But you want two meals a week from them. And if they cannot, perfect time for them to learn. Don’t want to, they won’t starve when you don’t cook for them.

Don’t worry about your sons lack of access to the Xbox. He will manage and at the end of the day it’s his own doing. If he wants to play/maintain contact he can. When he’s done what he needs to do.

This is what I mean, they can't even get the basics done...wet towel left on floor/bed EVERY time, come on. Shoes,.coats, bags dumped anywhere, actual food wrappers on floors, clothes dumped anywhere, and my big bug bear bloody leaving empty packaging in cupboards!, it goes on.

Do you pick these things up/sort them out? If so, start calling htem away from what they're doing to pick up after themselves. It doesn't matter whether they're playing a game or in the middle of a meal, as soon as you find the wet towel on the floor, ask the culprit to pick it up immediately. Eventually they will realise that it's easier to hang up the towel when they use it than to be dragged out of bed or away in the middle of a game to hang it up. If you're doing it for them, dropping it on the floor and being moaned at is the easier option.

For x box, is it signed in with a Microsoft account I assume, link it to yours and you can set limits, block it etc. My sons is set not to come on until 11 at weekends so he has to have had breakfast etc first. I can then limit time, block and set it to end screen time at a certain time. You can add phones too if they are signed in with a Microsoft account or I use family link to do the same on there. I can of course just take it away, but it ends the arguments as I can do it remotely!

Well done OP. You read them the bloody riot act and stick to your guns 👏 👏 👏

High 5 to you!

My kids know that if I threaten an action I will ALWAYS follow through. Sick of them treating our home like a hotel!

We have minimum chores that must be done in exchange for phone contract, xbox live membership etc: empty and fill dishwasher once per week, laundry in basket or no clean clothes for school, I refuse to clean their rooms, beds stripped for laundry on specific days etc.

Agree with sitting down and sharing ground rules. We have chores on kitchen wall to be ticked when done

Good luck!

Don't put it back until they have showed clear change for a month 😂 my son hasn't had his Xbox this term at all. Can you use data for the internet on your phone? Or put the internet on and take the devices away.