Unplugged and took router to work with me, how should I play this?

[Nelumbo]

So I am utterly fed up with my 13yr old DD and 16yr old DS.
They seem to be completely incapable of picking up after themselves or even putting anything in a rubbish bin.
I know this is normal teenage behaviour, but being a single full time working mum, I am finding it a struggle will no help at all.

Yesterday nothing was done as I was unwell and fell asleep on the sofa, not one of them even tried to do anything to help, even though I had asked, so this morning I was faced with all of yesterday's dirty dishes, crap all over the floor, no kitchen space to make my breakfast etc. So I calmly unplugged the router and took it completely out of the house.

It's mainly the fact that they don't just pick up after themselves, or just leave rubbish lying around so the house always feels like a dump. I'm not really asking them to do major cleaning, apart from keeping their own rooms tidy and putting stuff in the dishwasher.

I have had numerous battles with them, and I don't think I ask for much
My DS is also staying up too late and not leaving for college on time in the mornings, so he is constantly late.
I'm always turning the WiFi off, and after a bit of moaning they may eventually do something, but once they do and they get it back, we go through the whole process again, as they never seem to learn. It's so draining.
I took my son's xbox off him for a day last week, all he did was moan and ask why, he eventually done a few things and said he would help more, and leave for college in time, but he is back to sitting on it for hours and hours without a break.

They are due home soon and I won't be back for 2 hrs after them and they won't realise till they get home.

Any suggestions on how to play it this time?
Oh and I already get 'you are stopping me from doing my school/college work'
Plus I like to chill out and do a bit of internet browsing when I get in from work!

I I think you need to be clear about what you will and won’t do, and what chores you expect doing
These patterns will follow your kids into adult hood , their prospective partners will Thankyou if you bring up independent and competent YP Who wash, cook and clean instead of these lazy slobs.
Time to get tough for the long haul

Place marking. I am in the same situation and sick of it too!

This is brilliant, it reminds me of my mum who took the phone line to her room at night years ago because my brother was staying up all night online. I love the idea of the picture of you with the router, I hope you done that 😂

If the are grumpy about cleaning, remind them they fucking live there.

I like you're style.

A couple of issues worth thinking through...

What if one dc has left the mess or not helped and the other pulls their weight? You will get them blaming each other and how will you prevent WW3?
And have you been very very clear about exactly which tasks need to be done each day, each week etc? Teens are excellent at interpreting the rules in their own favour. e.g. If you ask them to be more helpful then you will have a chorus of but I did help you carry the shopping in. Instead be absolutely clear to seemingly ridiculous extents. e.g. You must empty the dishwasher every day after it has finished washing and put the cups in the cupboard, put the plates on the shelf.

Let us know what happens.

I just take the cables from the xbox and lock them in car boot!

This is such a great idea!! My children are the same and I work full-time.
Cant wait to see how it goes with your family and may even try it myself. Thought of doing this so many times but haven't done it so far as my son does computer science @ university and is often programming stuff while playing games.

It stood out for me that you asked them "to help more."
Change your thinking.
They are not to "help YOU."
They made their OWN mess. They are responsible for clearing up their OWN mess.
Dishes/cups/glasses
Laundry
Bath scum
Shoes/bags/coats/belongings in the wrong zone
Concentrate on their OWN mess in the family zone.
I take my hat off to you OP
Stay strong! You are NOT being unreasonable. You are teaching them how to be considerate people.

If he storms out after you take the xbox it should be taken for longer.

In this house they do homework first then tech. But they are only allowed the tech if they do their share of the housework and their homework is done to a high standard. Plus their effort grades have to be high. The difference is I am here to enforce it as I am a SAHM.

I have two sons almost 17 and almost 14. Their rooms are tidied daily so I can hoover, or they can, when the floor is clear it takes about 40 seconds. They uinderstand that 10 minutes a day saves an hour doing in on a weekend. They also wipe out the bathroom sink daily. All clothes are pre-sorted into colour coded laundry baskets, they strip their beds on a certain day and I wash their bedding and towels on that day. I dump it on the landing and they have to remake their beds and put the towels back into the bathroom, each child has their own colour.

We also eat as a family, they help cook, and they set the table, and we all clear it but basically that entails me and Dh picking up our plates and taking them into the kitchen, the boys clear the rest of the table, scrape plates, everything into the dishwasher. Pans are handwashed by me/Dh and dried by the children, both children have to stay in the kitchen until it is completely cleared and wiped down. No-one sits until it is all done. Table wiped and dried, plus kitchen worktop.

Ds1 is responsible for the recycling, Ds2 is responsible for the kitchen bin, it gets emptied on set days, Mondays and Thursdays as one of those days is bin day. They also make cups of tea etc.

You need to sit them down and divide up housework. It is totally unfair of them to expect you to do everything.

Good one, @megletthesecond.

A router/extender with multiple accounts helps so others aren’t disrupted.
Whose mess is usually easy to work out. If not they either have to work together and clean or one of them owns up. A bit of pressure from the siblings also helps as they don’t want to be banned for someone else.

When I set up mine I started adding to the can access bit, and put on all the homework sites and I add to them when needed. When I’ve then blocked the child, I click on the can access list, save and that’s it. They can do homework and everyone else is free to do what they do.

It’s also fantastic for restrictions, a 9 year old will have different restrictions to a 15 year old, and of course adults won’t have restrictions.

You only need to take the power supply.

And you can learn to use the settings and restrict access by particular devices between certain hours, and/or set the whole thing to shut down for the night.

What I hate about the constant reminders to tidy up is that it makes our relationship really poor - sometimes the majority of my dialogue with them is about picking stuff up/taking dishes down/doing homework.

Cheering you on over here too! Could you on future days change the password and message them once they have sent you photos of dishwasher loaded, washing aching on/tidy room, clear kitchen etc? That way (depending how long you commute they could be focussed to tidy up and if they don’t they know they don’t have wifi. Good luck!

It's the basics of living. I don't call it helping.
Basics of living include - personal hygiene - food - taking responsibility - money management etc

Food - they are all involved from buying to cooking. If there is no-one else to do this for them, how will they eat? I was ill a lot last year, had they waited for me, they would have starved. Instead, they took over, looked at what we had and cooked, also shopped when needed. They also thought about what could be easily reheated for me later if I wasn't hungry unless there was stuff already.

It's about teaching them to never assume someone else will do it for you. And when you live with other people it's about the benefits of sharing.

How can you help yourself when you would have to do it anyway? So why do we ask other people in a house to help to do the stuff they would have to do anyway?

Had the 'help' chat with one. Stopped doing stuff and went back and asked how their idea of not wanting to 'help' was working out for them.

At times 'tough love' is needed. Nope, it's not easy because you want to give in. But how will they ever learn?

It's teaching them about taking responsibility for themselves. Who is going to do all this for them when they leave/you boot them out? The answer should be they are.

Excellent work OP.

Those pp who mentioned TP Deco mesh boxes - I'm just googling them as I think I might need one. Can you set different devices on different connections? And can you set timers on each one? So could I connect the smart TV to not work after 2 hours? Or not work after 7pm? But leave the one to my phone working 24/7? That sort of thing?

Check the router to see if it has parental controls
Or get a koala box - you cans set up sky or WiFi enable household item on one account plus you and the kids in another

Set times set homework mode, block sites enable sites

All good!

Colour coded towels are also great for laundry battles.
Regardless of my working habits, it's another one of the shared things. Starts when they are smaller stripping beds and putting towels in the basket etc. And increases as they grow to do actual washing.
Those towels that go in the basket get washed. Colour coded and there is no arguing but it wasn't me who used all the towels and didn't put them in the basket 🤣 And of course, siblings don't want to help them out as it means more work for them as there's no guarantee sibling will wash theirs.

So, messaged them in our family WhatsApp group, about an hr before I left work, setting out what I wanted doing.
Then ensued them arguing with each other in said WhatsApp group and then my DD calling me to tell me DS is being annoying.
She done everything in the kitchen and sent a video to prove it. Came home to find DS had gone out and apparently refused to do anything.
So have taken his xbox out of his room (wanted to take just power lead, but it's all very difficult to get too)

Now I've plugged the router back in and I can't get it working! I'm so pissed off with this!! (Again this morning I only wanted to take the power cable but they are all secured with a cable tidy!)
So now I have no internet and probably have to call BT!!!!
It's just flashing pink, grrrrr

Gonna try and sit them down and speak to them now.

Omg it's as if this was my house! Keep the router off and let it stay off until they both realise you are not going to back down. My eldest is so lazy, at Uni but travels in when he can be bothered to go. I have unplugged the router and hidden it and he just goes on his phone instead. Think next time I will remove every device going. I feel your pain OP!

Flashing pink means the hub is working, but no broadband.
I'd check the ethernet cable is securely in the sockets at each end.

Good luck!

I’m sure the kids will fix it if they want it bad enough ! Get them to call BT. out and sort it.

When my mother died when I was 12 years old, my dad told my brother and I to do set chores. My dad did the shopping and washing. I did the hoovering and dusting of the whole. (Large house) and the ironing. My brother cleaned the bathrooms and changed all bedding once a week. My dad and I cooked dinners together. There were no arguments. We just did it.

I’m always appalled when I hear that children of a lone parent don’t help with chores.

If I were you, I would sit them down and tell them they pull their weight or there will be no internet. Ever.

Uhh I have 3 and 7yos and that's hard enough! I am DREADING this stage. 7yo is already addicted to his tablet (he has from 8-9.30 every night IF he's been good, done his homework, done some reading etc).

Appalling behaviour from him yesterday (demanding a snack from me at 10 o clock at night and slamming and screaming when I said no - he'd had a big homemade cornish pasty and peas and yogurt he was not hungry!)

I totally agree with you on this - and it's how I was punished as a teen too (MSN messenger addict!)

I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about the tome of some of the posts on this thread.

I'm all for parents being in authority and not feeling the need to be best mates with their children but we also don't need to be their enemies.

Your DS is behaving badly but it sounds like he might also be struggling. You say he has made no friends since a recent move. Burying his head in screen time might be a coping mechanism. If it is, he probably needs support and a self-esteem boost, not criticism and sanctions.

If they end up pulling their weight because they are forced, they're likely to stop as soon as they find a different way to access the internet/gaming devices. Then you're back to square one. Whilst it's reasonable to expect them to earn their privileges, it's probably also a good idea to work on your relationships so they are more likely to contribute voluntarily and it's more likely to be sustainable. Intrinsic rewards are always more effective and trigger longer term postitive changes to behaviour.

I know when I was a teen I’d find ways around obstacles. You can be sure had I owned an Xbox back then I’d have bought myself a spare power cable for such eventualities.

Sneaky things teens.