How long is "usual" to have off after a bereavement?

[ElderAve]

I'm sure this is going to make me sound callous but I'm honestly just trying to get an idea of what's reasonable.

I currently have three staff signed off with "stress due to bereavement". Initially, they were given 2 weeks' compassionate leave and thereafter, they've all had medical certificates of between 4 & 6 weeks. Two are now telling me they won't be well enough to return at the end of their certificates.

Our usual policy is an OH referral and informal meeting after two weeks for anything MH related but as there was a clear and not work related reason behind these absences, I didn't think that was worthwhile or fair.

Now, I understand everyone will be different, that anxiety is a real thing etc etc but I can't let this drift indefinitely.

FWIW these are women in their 40s & 50s who have lost a parent. Obviously distressing to them but nothing exceptional in the circumstances.

What do you think. Do I start "proceedings" or let them have a few more weeks?

The procedure is there ( presume it’s welfare meeting at their location of choice ) to support them To further understand the
Obstacles they face and potentially discuss how you can support their return to work when they are ready / see what you can do as. A business ... as long as it’s that and not a grilling then why wouldn’t you?

May be worth trying to see if your works be offer counselling ? My work would pay for 3 sessions I believe

I had one day off when dm died (I was 45), and then the day before the funeral, and the funeral itself. So three days. But people are different so not sure.

I can't imagine losing one of my sisters, I doubt I'd cope well - much longer I suspect.

I have to say 8 weeks isn't very long after such a loss. Its tough for businesses but I can see why they wouldn't be ready. I would see if there is anything you can offer to help them back to work, maybe reduced hours initially?

Yes, we have free counselling available to all staff - it is recognised as a high stress environment, but no one is saying this is work related.

I had 2 weeks off after my dad died as I was definitely not fit to work. I had 2 months off after losing my partner traumatically, followed by a phased return.

I think an OH referral would be entirely reasonable. OH is supposed to be supportive sometimes useless both to employer and employee and should ideally be informative.

I was back within 3 weeks and was only off that long as it fell on my annual leave. I looked after my mum until her death so it was stressful but after the funeral it seemed right to try get back to “normal”.

what do you mean by 'starting proceedings'?

Counselling in order to manage a new MH problem when returning to work seems fine to me. But OH should help with that but probably won't

I had a week compassionate leave and a self cert week when my Dad died. However I wasn't sad but needed to be around for my Mum. Other people at work (NHS) have loads more. DH had none he is a contractor and gets no paid compassionate/sick leave

Perhaps if you work in a high stress environment people aren't going to want to come back until they're less "wobbly"?

I think you need to be resilient to cope with a high stress job, and if your personal life has just involved a bereavement it's probably quite hard to feel mentally ready to return.

I work In Palliative care, death is constant.

Our policy is fairly tight considering what our staff deal with. Coming back to work here after a bereavement is tougher than say working in normal office job.
Official time off for bereavement is paltry but most managers are understanding and flexible.
I had 2 weeks for my parent, they loved with me and I'd had to attempt CPR so was traumatic, was still very grief tired but I think you have to work through that, sometimes 'wallowing' prolongs the process.

Can you offer a fazed return to work?

What will they have to do when they come back? I still remember the awful episode of Breaking Bad were a bereaved father returned to his job quickly - as an air traffic controller, and let a plane crash.
Two weeks of compassionate leave is more than is available in most jobs. I had a week for my father, just under two for my mother and I was a wreck inside when I returned - if it had been the "done thing" to be off for a month I would have done it, but at my work it was more the thing to be back the next day.

My husband took off 2 days and worked from home. Offer phased return. Unless it’s a partner or child I think 6 weeks is excessive unless other underlying MH issues

I had two days off when my dad died.
After my husband died, I had two months, followed by a phased return.

If I'm honest (and there are no unusual or exceptional circumstances to the deaths of the mental health starting point of the employees) I find 6-8 weeks abnormally long. I've never known anyone I've worked with take more than a few days for the death of a parent.

To have three employees at one time taking off that much time (at their age) is very odd.

I had no time off after my best friend died suddenly. I took three days annual leave which is all I had left. I was utterly useless. I was marking exams and making mistakes and crying all my commute there and back. I was a mess for months but somehow kept going to work. Looking back now I wish I had taken time off but there is no time allocated for best friends dying...yet her death was so much worse than even losing my parents. Hideous.

Yes, a phased return is standard after any lengthy absence

I’ve found my grief to be worse now at 10 weeks than to start off with. I think it’s literally just hit me! Be gentle, I’m much Wobblier now than I was before Xmas

What does "at their age" mean? Do you think being in your 40s or 50s means you don't feel grief as much?

I was off for most of last year after DH died. A friend had a complete breakdown when her mum died and was off for 4 months. Grief is not linear and bereavement can alter every aspect of you, emotionally and physically. A year later I am only just getting my act together.

I'm sorry for sounding so harsh saraclara I just had a bad experience with my younger colleagues when I lost my mum, as if it was no big deal really.

I have thousands of colleagues in my dept. Some have come back pretty much immediately, others have been off for months. Everyone is different and reacts differently. My work is fairly good. They’d pay for three counselling sessions, even for non related issues.

In your situation I think it would be fair to discuss possibilities with them of counselling/ways to gradually return to work. See how it goes.

I dont know you’d do it but some people feel nothing for their family members and would be expected to take off, where I’ve known people have to fight tooth and nail to get a day to attend a best friend’s funeral whose loss was much more traumatic

I took 3 weeks, but most of that was helping DM with the admin pre and post funeral. I'd resigned from my job for unrelated reasons, so I registered with an agency when I got back.

When DM died I was on holiday, and I went back 2 weeks after the funeral. Had the odd wobble, but as I'm mostly on my own at work I could keep it together.

I had about 6 weeks off work when I lost my mother. Because I was so exhausted I became very run down and although I initially went back to work after a week I kept getting viruses. The doctor said I would be better just taking the time off and try and recover. Losing a parent is hard it doesnt make it any easier if you are an adult. There are also all the practicalities to sort out their estate especially if you no longer live in the same town as your parents. Your parents are the first people you love and losing them brings up all sorts of issues.
You should just give them the time they need. There is no point having people at work if their mind isn't on it. starting procedures when someone is trying to come to terms with losing a parent is just cruel and might not be in your best interests if they are generally good workers.