Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

How long is "usual" to have off after a bereavement?

195 replies

ElderAve · 29/01/2020 20:53

I'm sure this is going to make me sound callous but I'm honestly just trying to get an idea of what's reasonable.

I currently have three staff signed off with "stress due to bereavement". Initially, they were given 2 weeks' compassionate leave and thereafter, they've all had medical certificates of between 4 & 6 weeks. Two are now telling me they won't be well enough to return at the end of their certificates.

Our usual policy is an OH referral and informal meeting after two weeks for anything MH related but as there was a clear and not work related reason behind these absences, I didn't think that was worthwhile or fair.

Now, I understand everyone will be different, that anxiety is a real thing etc etc but I can't let this drift indefinitely.

FWIW these are women in their 40s & 50s who have lost a parent. Obviously distressing to them but nothing exceptional in the circumstances.

What do you think. Do I start "proceedings" or let them have a few more weeks?

OP posts:

bluetongue · 29/01/2020 21:30

It’s so hard to say. I think it does depend on the person and the circumstances of their passing.

I had a young colleague lose her partner in an accident. She only got two weeks compassionate / sick leave and they made her take the other two weeks as annual leave She is the kind of person who hardly ever takes a sick day as well.

LittleMissEngineer · 29/01/2020 21:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CherryPavlova · 29/01/2020 21:35

We allow three days but we always give more unofficially. I’d think a couple of weeks then getting back into a routine of normality is a good idea.
We offer six face to face counselling sessions. I’d do an occupational health assessment for longer than two or three weeks. It’s sad, but a normal part of life, time off can’t go in indefinitely.

irregularegular · 29/01/2020 21:37

Everyone's circumstances are different. Everyone reacts in different ways. I don't think you can dictate the number of weeks people need, but you do need to have discussions and I can see that at some point you would need medical evidence etc.

FWIW I took 2 weeks off after my dad died. He committed suicide so it was pretty horrendously shocking and awful. 2 weeks felt about right. I think I initially told work 1-2 but 1 was hopelessly unrealistic. I was told to take as much as I needed. I was not working at full steam when I went back. i did what needed doing, but didn't take on anything over and above and said no to one or two things. But I have the kind of role that is quite flexible like that, not everyone does.

My sister found she needed to take some time much later as she wasn't coping.

FramboiseRoyale · 29/01/2020 21:40

I took two weeks when my mother died; same for my father. I was glad to get back to work; it helped me heal, but everyone is different. Both of my parents were old and death had been expected.

mdh2020 · 29/01/2020 21:41

Jewish people sit in mourning, traditionally for seven days. So when my father died I was off work for a week. On the other hand, the partner of a teacher at a local school committed suicide, and he has been off work for over 6 months. When I was working I’m afraid I invented a couple of uncles in order to get time off to attend the funerals of close family friends.

deste · 29/01/2020 21:43

I got a phone call the day after my mother’s funeral asking when I was going to make up the time lost. When I said I wasn’t going to because it involved hours of driving all over the region I was told if I didn’t do it someone else would have to. I had to take a weeks holiday the following week because I wasn’t given any time off. I had to make the time up. She died on the Friday and that was the day I had to post my paperwork, (before email). Because I forgot I was given a bollocking. I didn’t know any better then and just took it.

RaininSummer · 29/01/2020 21:43

I got a day when my Dad died and a day for the funeral. More would have been good as my head wasnt in the game at all but it would have been unpaid so couldnt afford it.

policeandthieves · 29/01/2020 21:44

NHS standard is one week of bereavement leave and then unpaid special or compassionate leave for a further week if felt appropriate! This is for a close relatives - I got 2 days for my MIL, one for helping to organise the funeral and another to attend.
I think there is room for discussion but only one week is generally paid and it's annual leave or unpaid leave of some sort after that.
I presume if its counted as sick leave then its paid for longer.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 29/01/2020 21:44

I took two weeks off when my DM died. I wasn't really emotionally OK but it was better to do "normal" things than be at home.

Just a personal opinion, but I think the loss of a partner or child would be completely different and most people would need more time off. We know that our parents are highly likely to predecease us so even though it might be a shock (my Mum's death was unexpected), it's not completely surprising IYSWIM. Most people will experience it at some point.

for anyone who's currently grieving. Definitely be compassionate, OP.

Crinkle77 · 29/01/2020 21:45

My god. So glad you're not my.manager OP.

Justmuddlingalong · 29/01/2020 21:48

What proceedings? One's to help them, or threaten them?

Original poster

ElderAve · 29/01/2020 21:50

Why Crinckle77? If I'd gone by the book they'd have been at OH and invited in for a meeting to "discuss ways we could facilitate a return" weeks ago.

OP posts:

1vandal2 · 29/01/2020 21:52

As long as is needed. I had a breakdown mentally after losing three close relatives in a short space of time, suffered from panic attacks over the thought of death at all and couldn't leave the house without breaking down. I was signed off nearly 5 months before I was anywhere near being able to get over these issues to go back to work.

ReginaGeorgeous · 29/01/2020 21:52

I had three weeks off when my dad died. The death was unexpected, so referred to the coroner who took a total of ten days to complete the post mortem and associated investigations. It was only then that I could begin the funeral arrangements. After the funeral, I went back to work. I was in a state of shock and absolutely was not fit for work prior to that.

BrokenWing · 29/01/2020 22:00

2 weeks, one of those weeks was pre booked annual leave. Felt about right for me, didn't mean I was 100% or didn't have regular cries in the work loos, or driving home for the first few weeks but it was a step towards new normal. Everyone is different.

A meeting with occ health to discuss how you can support them back to work, counselling, phased return over a week etc is appropriate.

codenameduchess · 29/01/2020 22:02

Officially you get what your company offers as bereavement leave, anything after that is sick leave and can be handled as the contract states for sickness absence. That's the black and white/harsh way to look at it.

When my dad died I had 2 weeks off, my company officially gave 2 days but looked the other way for the rest of it as it was unexpected, i was expected to be back to normal after that 2nd week though.

I think arranging that chat about facilitating returns is more than reasonable.

Doilooklikeatourist · 29/01/2020 22:03

I think they’re taking advantage
I’ve lost both my parents , so I do know what I’m talking about
DH even went to work for 2 hours on the day of his mother’s funeral , as he wanted to keep busy

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 29/01/2020 22:04

What does "at their age" mean? hmm Do you think being in your 40s or 50s means you don't feel grief as much?
It's fucking hard to lose a parent in your early 20s like I did. Bloody brutal, actually, and it marks you for life. By the time you're in your 40s or 50s you often have a partner and/or children of your own who can offer you support, are generally established in adult life rather than just starting out, you have friends around who have gone through it and can offer words of advice or just understanding, and you have more maturity and life experience to help you cope. So the grief may be the same, but the sense of loss and isolation is shattering when you're less than a year out of uni. A massive source of support and advice has just.... GONE. So yes, I except someone in their 40s or 50s to be better placed to cope with a parent's death than someone in their 20s.

I had, iirc, a fortnight off in total: DM died in the middle of a week's leave I had booked anyway (she was dying), and I had another week following on from that, which got the funeral out of the way. Going back to work was actually good for me.

Just a personal opinion, but I think the loss of a partner or child would be completely different and most people would need more time off.
Yes, absolutely. I think the early death of a partner, or the loss of a child, are both horrendous.

guessmyusername · 29/01/2020 22:05

I am usually quite a "together" person but when my mum passed away quite unexpectedly I really struggled to cope. I couldn't do normal every day things. I got one week compassionate leave, one week self cert and my GP signed me off for 3 weeks. I still was not really ready to go back but I was better enough to realise that I needed to get back to some degree of normality.

I can add that I have worked for over 20 years for my employer and apart from this I have had less than 20 days Total sick leave during that time and that included two bouts of tonsilitis.

It does differ from person to person and circumstances

AutumnRose1 · 29/01/2020 22:19

It depends if you’re happy to lose them

If you are, then start proceedings

I was very lucky in that I took voluntary redundancy when my dad had cancer, so when he died, I didnt even think about getting a new job for six months.

If I’d been in the previous job, it would taken me about two months I guess, and I wasn’t as close with him as a lot of people are with parents.

My previous employer was decent about this kind of thing but my work could be covered by a temp, if your staff are very senior I guess it’s not an option?

ArkAtEee · 29/01/2020 22:21

I had 2 weeks off when my Dad died and spent most of that arranging stuff and helping Mum wind up his affairs. Everyone is different though. A colleague took just a week off after his wife unexpectedly died, not because he didn't love her but just because he needed the routine of being back in work to help him cope.

ArkAtEee · 29/01/2020 22:21

Nannewnannew · 29/01/2020 22:24

I had 5 weeks off when my adult son died suddenly, another colleague took 3 months off when her adult brother died, also suddenly.

misspiggy19 · 29/01/2020 22:27

2 weeks compassionate leave is quite generous. Anyway I agree with you OP. I don’t know anyone that has taken more than 3/4 weeks off work

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8