How long is "usual" to have off after a bereavement?

[ElderAve]

I'm sure this is going to make me sound callous but I'm honestly just trying to get an idea of what's reasonable.

I currently have three staff signed off with "stress due to bereavement". Initially, they were given 2 weeks' compassionate leave and thereafter, they've all had medical certificates of between 4 & 6 weeks. Two are now telling me they won't be well enough to return at the end of their certificates.

Our usual policy is an OH referral and informal meeting after two weeks for anything MH related but as there was a clear and not work related reason behind these absences, I didn't think that was worthwhile or fair.

Now, I understand everyone will be different, that anxiety is a real thing etc etc but I can't let this drift indefinitely.

FWIW these are women in their 40s & 50s who have lost a parent. Obviously distressing to them but nothing exceptional in the circumstances.

What do you think. Do I start "proceedings" or let them have a few more weeks?

Chocowoka that's all to do with compassionate leave though, different times for different levels of closeness.
What we have here is someone being signed off - so a doctor has made the decision that someone is unfit to work. That can be for loads of reasons relating to that person and cannot simply fall in to a table of "relative was a sister so the person can be unfit for work for 2 weeks". If losing a relative gives you a break down (or exacerbates an existing condition - grief can be amazingly hard on you physically) then it doesn't really matter if other people would not have had a break down in that situation.

My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly in his 40s. I was early 20s. I had 2 weeks off work and even that was due to there being a really long delay between death and funeral. My mum only had 4 weeks off.

It’s truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me and my family and we’re all still deeply affected by it almost 10 years later.

As a manager I supported one of my team through 3 months off after the loss of a parent. It was a unique and pretty outing situation but longer than usual was definitely warranted and it wasn’t all due to the bereavement anyway.

Without knowing any more details your colleagues do seem to be taking the piss a bit and you’d be doing nothing wrong by arranging meetings to discuss and sorting some OH referrals.

Is it not unusual that all 3 have taken 8 weeks off? Not many people have the luxury of that length of leave.

@Tombakersscarf

I see what you’re saying regarding how different people react to grief, however in the correct of this thread then we need to say what we feel is reasonable.

A company can not be expected to give staff months upon months off for a bereavement under certain circumstances. With the absolute exception of a parent losing a child. This has to be the worst thing that could ever happen to a person and it would be absolutely understandable that the person needs months and even years off.

It’s more about mental health issues that the doctor would sign off for that long I would assume.

Context* of this thread I mean

But the Dr has signed them off sick.

I’m sorry but a 55 year old losing their 85 year old mother is awful for that person but it couldn’t be considered tragic in general.

It’s like people who have children with serious/life threatening illnesses that still have to go to work as they have mortgage etc to pay. You’d think there’d be some kind of help so the parents can devote their time to their children, but that’s not the necessarily the case. Sometimes a parent still has to go to work. Now that’s tragic and IMO puts things in to perspective.

I initially had three weeks off work when my brother died (he took his own life and I was the person who found him). Six months later I had a total nervous breakdown when the grief and reality of the situation properly hit me and I ended up signed off for seven months in total. I have to say my work were very good about it and incredibly supportive.

The doctor probably felt under pressure to sign them off. Sometimes people take advantage. The point is in general most people don’t have that much time off.

I once covered for a person who was largely off work for about 2 years for alcoholism triggered by a string of family bereavements. Grief can compound up, and in adult life I've lost relatives at natural conclusions to their lives (never needed anything more than a day for the funeral) but it always stirs up my original bereavement for my dad which occurred in childhood (2 days plus half day for the funeral).

There isn't a hierachy of grief and how to do it properly, but generally speaking sudden, unforseen, untimely deaths tend to be harder. Long illnesses may trigger grief before the actual death. Lack of support, having to organise the funeral and affairs of the deceased or close relatives can be aggravating factors. Losing a relative you live with, change in the family structure (e.g. becoming the oldest surviving member, loss of someone you were carer for) often hit harder than someone geographically more seperate. Sometimes grief can be for what there wasn't in the case of difficult relationships. Grief can stir up a lot of old trauma (especially if having to trawl through possessions).

It does seem odd to have a cluster having a longer than average time off at the same time though.

Who has said the (natural) death of an elderly person is tragic?
Still fucking hurts though. I think you are confusing the tragicness or otherwise of the death, with the impact on the bereaved.

Is this paid leave? If it is then it is very generous. How do companies afford to cover leave like this?

I would just follow the official procedures at all times and for all situations. I think that is the fair and right way to do things.

These people are signed off as sick by their Dr, you have to treat this as you would for any other illness through the official channels of your company. Would you being saying about appropriate levels of sick time if they had cancer or a severe accident that required recovery?

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about appropriate amount of time to take after a bereavement, as the thread had proved everyone has different needs.

For what its worth my twopenneth is this; my parent died whilst I was a student in a healthcare role. I was in my 20s. I took a week because I was terrified of missing the training so I pushed it all away.

Last year nearly 2 decades I broke down at the death of fil, it took me straight back to then. Not even at a relative of mines death. I realised I hadn't taken the time to grieve when he died and it all came out. Let them take the time now, be compassionate now and it will hopefully help them to come back to work effectively and supported.

5 days when my dad died. Then I started a new job. Well done me .

@Tombakersscarf

Who said it doesn’t hurt losing a parent? Of course it hurts.

I’m not confusing anything thank you. I’m saying there’s a reasonable amount of time for different situations (as stated above) where employers should be understanding.

Of course it’s based on circumstances. It has to be. Employers don’t need to bare the impact of grief anymore than what would be ‘accepted’. That’s the whole point of the thread.....

Wasnt given any time off to grieve and now I'm very bad mentally.

Sorry to hear that dazedandconfused. It’s really tough. Support.

I work in the NHS and my manager suggested I call the GP and get signed off when we took my dad off the cancer ward and home to die. And my manager is hard core.

It was a sudden decline after ‘a short battle with cancer’ and a massive shock. I had a week before he died and 3 weeks after. My brother had no official time off but worked flexibly throughout despite being told to go off sick.

The 4 weeks I took felt right and the GP told me that was the normal time scale she signed off for with bereavement. I would have thought taking longer would just prolong the agony of returning but who knows how other people feel.

These people are signed off as sick by their Dr, you have to treat this as you would for any other illness through the official channels of your company.

Oh absolutely. And if that would normally be something like an OH referral then that would be a good idea

It's both the grief and also the practical responsibility. In my 40s I lost my mother (mid 60s, cancer) then my father (70, suicide, devastatingly unexpected). Not old enough to be in the "life well lived" stage. Then following my father' death, as well as the shock and grief, there was a LOT of admin. Endless admin. A year's worth. I work full time and am generally busy with all the usual aspects of family life. I definitely needed the two week's off and a bit of a "go slow" period for a while, otherwise it would have been quite impossible.

Lost my grandmother last month. 90s. Not well. No admin as uncle did it. Wouldn't have occurred to me to take any time other than one day for a last visit and one day for funeral. But then again, who is to say that other people wouldn't have suffered more given the recent past history of loss and needed some space. I wouldn't want to judge.