How long is "usual" to have off after a bereavement?

[ElderAve]

I'm sure this is going to make me sound callous but I'm honestly just trying to get an idea of what's reasonable.

I currently have three staff signed off with "stress due to bereavement". Initially, they were given 2 weeks' compassionate leave and thereafter, they've all had medical certificates of between 4 & 6 weeks. Two are now telling me they won't be well enough to return at the end of their certificates.

Our usual policy is an OH referral and informal meeting after two weeks for anything MH related but as there was a clear and not work related reason behind these absences, I didn't think that was worthwhile or fair.

Now, I understand everyone will be different, that anxiety is a real thing etc etc but I can't let this drift indefinitely.

FWIW these are women in their 40s & 50s who have lost a parent. Obviously distressing to them but nothing exceptional in the circumstances.

What do you think. Do I start "proceedings" or let them have a few more weeks?

I took a week off when my parents died - mainly because I had to travel, arrange funerals etc. I was in my 40's on both occasions.

I really don't get why a person in their 40's or 50's would be in need of extended time off for a parent's death. The cycle of life dictates that our parents will die at some time , and if you've had them for 40+ years you are fortunate . We can all feel grief, but to my thinking, going back to work is the best thing you can do, rather than curl up in a ball of grief at home .

I had 2 weeks although I think only one was official bereavement leave but I was never held accountable for the second week. My boss likes to point out that he hasn’t taken leave for either parents or in-laws apart from funerals but I just nod and smile.

I don’t think having a meeting or offering phased returns is inappropriate.

What a crass and stupid thread. You may as well ask 'how long is a piece of string?'

ruby - nobody is expecting someone to "recover" from that bereavement though. Just take one tiny step at a time. My relationship with my parents was close - we loved my parents dearly, and was devastated at their loss (at 70 and 73, both taken far to young, in this day and age), but you can't wait until you are no longer grieving, or no longer missing them to return to work - or we'd all still be off work YEARS later.
@saraclara puts it really well at 23:44:14

I agree @stellabelle

Yes you do need to get back to your routine. But I assume those who had a few days off were not organising everything? I can't remember how many says I spent doing this, but it seemed to take quite a bit of time. The day my parent died and being in the hospital. The next day clearing their fridge, getting a death certificate, registering the death. Then telling everyone, organising the funeral, getting orders of service printed, meeting with celebrant, finding somewhere to have wake afterwards and visiting and arranging it. Sorting out clothes and taking them to funeral parlour, sorting out flowers. Letting council tax, utility suppliers, bank etc know and sorting all that out. I just remember being really busy. And then the funeral.

I think how much a death affects you is more to do with how close you are.

I also think it is easier to go back to work soon if you can ease yourself in. Much harder if it is stressful and there will be no allowances made. As I said I was back after 2 weeks, but ended up crying in the loo, and was not working at full speed.

I took two weeks after my dad died but this was in leave period anyway and had to sort things out and help my step mum.
I took three days after my mum died. Had reduced work load on return. Had some days organising funeral being executor selling a property etc etc. 8 months later I really struggled with grief and took 2 weeks off as was really lost and anxious. Now more than a year later feel as though I am getting back to a different normal.

Your post read as a mix of properly supportive and strangely not. What does ‘starting proceedings’ mean?!
Good luck op. Hope they are ok.

I also had to book annual leave to clear the house and to inter ashes.

And it saddens me that so many people seem to think if you are in your 40s and 50's you won't be devastated by the death of a parent.

Everyone is different. I have had a miscarriage early on and was only mildly upset. But I also recognise that it is devastating for some.

No ones saying you aren’t devastated. But it is a fact of life that you will generally outlive a parent and taking months off work won’t change that.

karentobeit really is never ending isn’t it. I’m largely self employed and I too was so busy - I was also executor and had to deal with solicitors and siblings etc. It was helpful in a way to be busy but It honestly knocked the stuffing out of me on top of grieving for my mum who I was very close to and who died unexpectedly. God it’s tough.

No, but you have to be able to actually do the job.

To be fair my normal working day is going to drug deaths, suicides, robberies and sexual offences.

So my view about death is probably skewed. It’s sad when a parents die but when I see what some people go through, I think myself lucky that my mum lived a happy life and died at home.

So that probably alters my viewpoint.

@HeronLanyon Yes it is so much work. I didn't appreciate how much until I had to do it. I was executor, but there wasn't much to do except close bank accounts.
But it was how much there was to do before the actual funeral that surprised me. I certainly had no time to just curl up in a ball of grief. Instead every day it was, okay what do I have to do today.

@Nicknacky You are also assuming that others parents had happy lives and easy deaths. There are things I would never tell work colleagues.

karen I can’t speak for other people’s parents. I was talking about my own. That was obvious.

I have had a close friend die through suicide and that was hard, although in a very different way.

And it saddens me that so many people seem to think if you are in your 40s and 50's you won't be devastated by the death of a parent.

Absolutely no-one has said that @karencantobe

karenso sorry. You have been through a lot. I’ve come to realise that my own parents were going through this when I was a kid when their parents died - in a way I didn’t even begin to understand.

I think 3 days paid leave is normal.

I think if the two bereaved employees were to be encouraged to return to work gradually, they would recover their composure more quickly than if they remained at home, where they have nothing else to do but brood and feel sad.

Everyone's different, I guess. I had only a couple of days off after my beloved mum died at the end of last year. I still can't quite believe that she's gone. But I found that getting back to work and into a normal routine helped hugely.

I had four days off (which took me up to a weekend) when my father died when I was in my early 50s, plus a day for the funeral - though I regretted coming in the day after the funeral, I was in no state to cope. Generally, I found it very helpful to get back into the work routine, and was lucky to have very supportive colleagues.

I returned to work the day after my dad died because I wanted to maintain a routine because I struggle without one. I crashed after the funeral though and took the rest of the week off. He had alzheimers and I grieved more when he no longer recognised me than when he died.

@ElderAve my work provides counselling for Life events too... life stress can impact work I would check it’s not just limited to work related stress

if they are signed off work by their GP there is no rules you can lay down op. imo

i have had colleagues in their 50/60s take the full 6 months off