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Original poster

How do I tell my parents that my husband has given up his professional job?

196 replies

TR888 · 30/12/2019 11:38

Hi,

My husband has worked in a professional role for over 20 years. He’s hated it most of this time. Every few years, things come to a head and he can no longer cope with work (very high anxiety) so he leaves and tries jobs in other organisations. So far, they have never worked long term and I have come to dread these cycles.

I work full-time in a professional job too, love my work and earn a good salary. We are in our late forties and have three school-aged children.

After the most recent and most severe bout of anxiety, we decided he should do something completely different and non-professional and he’s become a decorator. Working with his hands brings him a lot of pleasure and he’s the happiest he’s been in years. However, he’s obviously lost the salary, security, status and other perks that come with professional roles. He doesn’t mind. I confess I do - but that’s another thread.

We are spending a week with my parents abroad. They are retired professionals who value work highly and don’t necessarily have much sympathy about mental health issues. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but i simply don’t know how to tell them that my husband is now a decorator.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 30/12/2019 11:40

Yabu to care one jot what they will think /say.

ClemDanFango · 30/12/2019 11:43

It’s not their business. If you do tell them and they’re rude about it just shut it down immediately and say you won’t continue to discuss if they can’t be supportive.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/12/2019 11:46

I confess I do - but that’s another thread.

This is the problem, not your parents. You don't want to tell them because you think they'll value him less, because you are valuing it less.

Work on that first. If you're a united front for your parents, they won't have anything to "pick" at.

MegaClutterSlut · 30/12/2019 11:46

You just tell them

Theres is no shame in him being a decorator, infact he should be commended for sticking to a job he hated for so long. You should be proud that he is finally doing something that makes him happy. You are lucky in that you love your job so you won't understand what it's like. I dont know what the big deal is about him being a decorator tbh and if they have a problem with it for some reason then you need to stick up for your husband

PotteringAlong · 30/12/2019 11:47

Well, you should know how they will react because you said you also mind the loss of status / perks etc.

Just tell them he’s got a new job and it makes him happy?

Iprefergin · 30/12/2019 11:52

You say
'Husband has finally quit that dreadful, soul destroying, anxiety ridden career and is now doing something he loves. Hes the happiest, healthiest and most relaxed we have seen him in years'

Cohle · 30/12/2019 11:52

I think you need to make peace with it yourself first. You're worried about what your parents will think because you are imagining they will feel the way you do.

BorissGiantJohnson · 30/12/2019 11:54

It's none of their business. If it comes up, you just say it, you don't need a new technique, just use words like normal!

AlternativePerspective · 30/12/2019 11:55

It’s not your parents though is it, it’s you

Why are you ashamed of his not being in a. “Professional” job (whatever that means.)? Is he earning a living? Yes? Then having an issue with it is complete snobbery and you need to get over yourself.

If he’d given up his paid job to pursue his rock music ambitions then annoyance/objection would be understandable. But to quit one job for a different one shouldn’t be an issue.

FWIW most e.g. people in the banking industry in high ranking professional jobs reach burnout in their 40’s or so, and while they might not end up as decorators they do seem to disappear somewhat back into the real world and there is a lot of evidence as to what achieving a decent work-life balance can do for one’s mental wellbeing.

Lordfrontpaw · 30/12/2019 11:55

Rather a happy DH than a stroke/burnout/heart attack.

TruthOnTrial · 30/12/2019 11:57

He could have been a suicide risk continuing to be a square peg in a round hole!

What matters most?

His health and happiness are paramount. His life matters.

If his new role doesn't attract a similar income and thats creating shortfalls, then lifestyle adjustments need making, maybe even a move to somewhere cheaper. Cutting back on all bit essentials.

It brings its own stress a sudden reduction in income, but he can make changes and support everyone through them, its good for your children to see what value is placed on being well and happy doing things you are well suited to in life.

If your parents don't get this then I'd have a problem with them. Its a horrible reflection on them that you are sat worrying about this, they sound horribly judgemental. Just because my life has been as a professional doesnt have any bearing on the value I place on other types of work its irrelevant, and sounds very snobby of them.

FamilyOfAliens · 30/12/2019 11:57

OP, I hope you and your husband talked this through before he changed career so that you were able to draw a line under your negative feelings about it.

Otherwise you’ll resent his decision forever, regardless of how much better it is for his mental health and therefore for your family as a whole.

WorraLiberty · 30/12/2019 11:58

Fuck 'em, just tell them.

Why wouldn't you? You're 2 adults, not naughty school children.

It's none of their business.

Lordfrontpaw · 30/12/2019 11:58

I worked in the city and I’m not sure but there seemed to me a high rate of suicided and stroke/heart attacks and depression.

Equanimitas · 30/12/2019 12:01

A good decorator can earn very good money, even if it's not quite in the ranks of the highest-paid professionals. So I wouldn't fret too much about the issues of salary and security at least.

IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 12:01

I think that one you feel his happiness it is more important than the status his old profession brought, you will stop caring what people think.

But the key part is you need to take of your mind the idea that your self worth is at least a bit based on the professional prestige of your husband. It shouldn’t really, but is a very common thing.

BlueJava · 30/12/2019 12:02

I think the root of the problem is that you personally don't like it, so you find it hard to tell your parents. If my DP gave up his professional role and wanted to do something else I'd be totally supportive and delighted, even if it meant less money/benefits. My parents (who are also work focussed) wouldn't like it but who cares, it's about me and DP not them and not really their business.

museumum · 30/12/2019 12:05

Dear Ps - great news, dh is finally free of that old career which was making him ill and has a lovely new job/business better using his skills and creativity.

Original poster
TR888 · 30/12/2019 12:06

Thank you for your answers. Yes, you are right I shouldn't care what my parents think, but it is still a difficult conversation to have.

I will think of the best way to phrase it.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 30/12/2019 12:07

DH has managed to do what you have not, OP: break away from others' expectations of what he should be.

How about some therapy to get to the bottom of a deeply misplaced and powerful sense of duty to a life that isn't really yours?

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 30/12/2019 12:08

Just tell them. I'm married to an ex-decorator, and my very middle class family didn't bat an eyelid. In fact, he painted my DF's dining room!

Hoppinggreen · 30/12/2019 12:08

As long as you are ok with it then they should be
It’s quite a bug change for anyone to take in it as long as your parents (and you) aren’t arseholes then it should be fine

yoohooitsme · 30/12/2019 12:09

Good for him. You only live once much better not to be stressed to f*

Your parents- it’s not their business : Tell them he’s taken early retirement/ successfully pursuing a dream.

Then:
Relish having a happier husband.
Respect his strength of character to restart and rebuild.

I was brought up in a materialistic family and a series of circumstances have beaten that out of me. We have less but we are so much more. My parents/siblings don’t appreciate the difference though!

What’s stopping you though as you are struggling with this aren’t you?

SoulsStars · 30/12/2019 12:09

It’s you.

For richer. For poorer.

He may be ‘poorer’ on paper but he’s ‘richer’ in health and happiness.

If your DH’s health and happiness isn’t paramount to you over his wealth and material success - you probably have a lot of decisions to make about your future.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 30/12/2019 12:10

Does your DH actually want to go and spend time with people who won't be happy that he is happy and fulfilled, and would prefer him to be stressed and ill? It sounds a little like you fall into that category too, tbh.

#TeamDH here.