How do I tell my parents that my husband has given up his professional job?

[TR888]

Hi,

My husband has worked in a professional role for over 20 years. He’s hated it most of this time. Every few years, things come to a head and he can no longer cope with work (very high anxiety) so he leaves and tries jobs in other organisations. So far, they have never worked long term and I have come to dread these cycles.

I work full-time in a professional job too, love my work and earn a good salary. We are in our late forties and have three school-aged children.

After the most recent and most severe bout of anxiety, we decided he should do something completely different and non-professional and he’s become a decorator. Working with his hands brings him a lot of pleasure and he’s the happiest he’s been in years. However, he’s obviously lost the salary, security, status and other perks that come with professional roles. He doesn’t mind. I confess I do - but that’s another thread.

We are spending a week with my parents abroad. They are retired professionals who value work highly and don’t necessarily have much sympathy about mental health issues. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but i simply don’t know how to tell them that my husband is now a decorator.

Any advice?

I agree with so many others, who are saying the only reason you feel it is going to be a difficult conversation with your parents, is because you don't think it is a good move yourself. If you believed that his mental health was more important than his income, then it wouldn't be a difficult conversation at all.

@IdiotInDisguise Not necessarily. My DH doesn't.

FWIW most e.g. people in the banking industry in high ranking professional jobs reach burnout in their 40’s or so,

This isn't true though is it? Seems to be an urban myth that all city jobs end in early burn-out. If we're going to debate this topic let's keep it realistic.

Imagine getting to a point in life where someone is described as no more than 'retired professionals' or 'a professional'. What is your description of a professional OP? People can be professionals at all sorts of things without a degree you know! Your DH may well be a professional decorator in a few years because he'll have mastered the trade and be very good at it. That is what a professional is OP, not someone that got the bit of paper allowing them to class themself as 'a professional'

I can see how you could be uncomfortable with his new career direction while still being supportive- I don't know why you are getting such a hard time on this thread! But as others have asked and you haven't addressed - why do you even need to tell your parents? Surely it'll just be a case of them asking him 'how's your job going', and he'll reply 'fine thanks' without needing to go into any real detail?

I have reported your post ReanimatedSGB

You sound like a snob

Think Mould has some good advice.

"I'd explain to your parents in advance, it's obviously a sore spot in your marriage anyway, and it would be difficult if your parents react badly in front of him. Just explain he was unhappy in his previous jobs and is currently running a decorating business. They may not understand, but I'd let them know that you don't want to discuss further (unless you find talking to them helpful)."

My DH quit a job he was professionally trained to do, in a very large company, to become a handyman, which he did for a few years. After five years he retrained in a different profession. He has a friend who has done qualifications in painting and decorating who runs a highly successful business and is very in demand, but decided against this route himself. Handyman work came in fits and starts as he didn’t really advertise his services! I think he was happy to basically have a break from work, which coincided with our kids being little. He took on more of the parent/house stuff I previously saw myself doing. I slightly resented this, although I did not blame him for having given up the job he hated which made him unhappy.

I don’t remember ever telling my parents what he was doing, apart from for info.

However, he’s obviously lost the salary, security, status and other perks that come with professional roles. He doesn’t mind. I confess I do - but that’s another thread

How bloody sad.

What a delighful post Reanimated.

delightful

@ReanimatedSGB The OP says he suffers from anxiety, I've no reason to doubt her, I'm not sure why you don't believe her.

Presumably you don't know anyone with anxiety? I don't suffer from it myself, but I have a friend who does and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I wouldn't begin to pretend I understand it, but I do know it ain't nice.

STFU ReanimatedSGB!

Why are you still posting shit about a person you know nothing about other than what the OP has said, which is that he suffers from anxiety?

Perpetuating baseless assumptions as you are doing on this thread is damaging to people with MH problems including anxiety.

The OP does not doubt the validity of his mental health problems so who the do you think you to dismiss his anxiety.

One of your posts has already been deleted yet you came back.

Why don't you go to visit your parents in your husbands work van (I presume he has one) Make sure your husband is dressed in his painters overall and has an appropriate amount of paint in his hair.

That way you won't have to tell them.

When dsil said he wanted to abandon his lucrative business career and retrain as a plumber we offered to fund his training. Be proud of your dh for following his chosen path.

Be proud of your dh for following his chosen path

Good advice.

Justified concerns Op as to the stability of your husbands new role and the financial security it may or may not bring...I get that totally.It has to be a consideration for any family. I do however feel you think other people may think differently about your husband.If they do they are plain and simply wrong.Please do not let him feel he is a cause for concern or an embarrassment due to a lack of status and he is some how less deserving of being treated with respect.I would give it a while...see how his new career pans out and how it best works for your family regarding stability and security ..if its not working out then a discussion is there to be had ...I wish you all well and hope 2020 is a good year for you all.

Whilst I understand your concerns, that is between you and your husband. Your parents just get told of the change and, unless they are subsidising you financial, they don't get to offer their opinion.
Would you rather tell them that your husband is now doing a job which makes him happier, more confident, a better husband and father, or would you prefer to be telling them that the stress of his 'professional ' career has caused a stroke/heart attack/suicide bid? Or worse?