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Original poster

How do I tell my parents that my husband has given up his professional job?

196 replies

TR888 · 30/12/2019 11:38

Hi,

My husband has worked in a professional role for over 20 years. He’s hated it most of this time. Every few years, things come to a head and he can no longer cope with work (very high anxiety) so he leaves and tries jobs in other organisations. So far, they have never worked long term and I have come to dread these cycles.

I work full-time in a professional job too, love my work and earn a good salary. We are in our late forties and have three school-aged children.

After the most recent and most severe bout of anxiety, we decided he should do something completely different and non-professional and he’s become a decorator. Working with his hands brings him a lot of pleasure and he’s the happiest he’s been in years. However, he’s obviously lost the salary, security, status and other perks that come with professional roles. He doesn’t mind. I confess I do - but that’s another thread.

We are spending a week with my parents abroad. They are retired professionals who value work highly and don’t necessarily have much sympathy about mental health issues. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but i simply don’t know how to tell them that my husband is now a decorator.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Servalan · 30/12/2019 12:40

Maybe we could understand better if you say a bit about why it is that you are uncomfortable about this stage in his working life?

corythatwas · 30/12/2019 12:42

It might help if you could pinpoint why exactly you are uncomfortable with this change. You say it is not about the money- do you think there is something shameful about working with your hands? Or why do you feel uncomfortable?

GertiMJN · 30/12/2019 12:42

What are you "uncomfortable" about with regard to your dh's change in role?

I think the fact that you use the phrase "feel no shame" about your unease suggests that not only do you feel the change is a negative decision, but also that you are justified in that feeling.

But reading what you gave posted there is absolutely nothing to indicate it is anything other than a positive decision.

You own feelings about it and your anxiety about telling your parents seens really unreasonable and frankly weird.

AgeLikeWine · 30/12/2019 12:42

Your parents are not the problem here, OP.

You are the problem.

You very obviously value money and status above your husband’s happiness and mental health.

My suggestion is that you need to reflect on your own attitudes and priorities so you can be properly supportive of your husband’s choices.

corythatwas · 30/12/2019 12:42

cross-posted

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/12/2019 12:43

It's sad that some people seem to value job status over happiness. Glad my parents aren't as judgemental as yours. Being a decorator is a great job.

WatchingTheMoon · 30/12/2019 12:43

My parents may not be the best but tbh they'd not give a shit what my husband does for work so they have that going for them.

Being a decorator sounds fun, it must be satisfying to see the fruits of your labour every day.

Sometimes I'm really glad I grew up skint so I never have to worry about status and all the crap that goes with it, it really doesn't seem worth it.

MrsBobDylan · 30/12/2019 12:44

I have stepped away from my professional role for one which pays much less and needs precisely none of the qualifications I amassed over the last 20+ years.

I think many professional roles are pretty pointless in terms of what they achieve and who they help.

I am now doing something which very tangibly helps society. My DH has been nothing but supportive and we have had to move house and the kids schools to live in an area which better suits our income.

You really do need to be comfortable with your dh's decision op or it will drive you apart and wreck his new found peace of mind.

Your parents opinions are irrelevant.

nononever · 30/12/2019 12:45

Totally agree with what @AgeLikeWine said. You are the real problem.

Time40 · 30/12/2019 12:45

Mine didn't walk away early enough, OP. Now his health is wrecked, he's disabled and will most probably die before me. Just be thankful that your DH got out in time - I wish to God mine had.

WatchingTheMoon · 30/12/2019 12:47

"nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about a career change such as you describe"

I think there is something very wrong with thinking that being a banker or whatever is inherently better or more worthy or less embarrassing than being a decorator, actually, especially to the extent that you're embarrassed to tell your parents.

Thinking about the financial considerations is something different but I really have no time for people who worry about the social status aspect of it. It just seems so mindless.

CFlemingSmith · 30/12/2019 12:47

This is the problem, not your parents. You don't want to tell them because you think they'll value him less, because you are valuing it less. Work on that first. If you're a united front for your parents, they won't have anything to "pick" at.

^^Spot on.

Rosebel · 30/12/2019 12:48

I can see it would be hard to tell your parents. Slightly different but I was worried about telling them when my husband lost his job, at least your husband is working.
I'd tell them on the phone before the visit. Give them time to accept it and explain your husband is happier and you don't want to hear any negative comments.
It shouldn't be any of their business but I do understand your worry. However they might pleasantly surprise you, mine did.

NoSquirrels · 30/12/2019 12:51

There could be absolutely loads of reasons why OP is ‘uncomfortable’ with this change - will it ‘stick’? (Her DH has a track record of hoping things will be better then needing a change). Will it leave her in a difficult position in the future - pensions, savings, change of lifestyle? Does it present other practical considerations and challenges right now?

You can be not 100% happy about a change whilst still 100% believing it’s the correct course of action.

Devereux1 · 30/12/2019 12:51

Tell them he's started his own business and he's the happiest he's been in years.

Redrosesandsunsets · 30/12/2019 12:53

Good on your husband. It sounds like life has gotten much easier and happier for him. That’s worth celebrating and being excited about. Not many people make the switch or realize their fears are holding them back from doing the best thing they ever did. If this is the best thing your husband has done and he’s happy then great. He’s your husband, it’s nothing to do with your parents and their thoughts or response. Their issue (your parents) with this whole thing is their issue. Simply their problem not yours so quit entertaining this OP.
Sadly your parents have probably been locked up in what they have HAD to do their whole lives, they so probably won’t be the best judge on the right or wrong decision here. OP enjoy that your husband is finally happy.

GertiMJN · 30/12/2019 12:54

Your updates make no sense to me.

You say you have supported your dh through his anxiety and crises. That's great - and what a spouse should do. He has now (after 20 years of distress) decided to change careers which you acknowledge has made him happier tban ever. But instead of saying "I wish he'd done this years ago" you say "I'm uncomfortable with his decision"

museumum · 30/12/2019 12:55

You don’t say why this makes you so uncomfortable though op. He’s happy, seems less likely to have another anxiety attack. So it’s actually a more secure job. Is he self employed? Is that your concern? Some people get very nervous about self employment but it’s no more inherently risky and there are insurances etc for sickness, injury etc and obviously he should save into a private pension.

corythatwas · 30/12/2019 12:55

There could be. But what the OP actually says is:

"i simply don’t know how to tell them that my husband is now a decorator"

As if there was something particularly shaming or ludicrous about being a decorator.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2019 12:55

Hmm. I don't think you are a grasping witch to be concerned - it sounds like you have stood by your H's repeated job changes every time he gets 'stressed' by work, while you are the main earner. Has he always been supportive of and kind to you, and has he always discussed his job changes with you?
If this is a matter of him being a whinyarse who thinks he's too special to be employed, I can understand why you are a bit tired of it. Though, to be fair, a competent decorator can earn good money and it's a worthwhile job - but are you worried that he will shortly develop a phobia of paint and ladders and you'll have to carry him again while he decides to retrain as a dog walker or something like that?

ICouldHaveTinsillitis · 30/12/2019 12:56

No 1 - do you have to tell your parents? Do they expect an in-depth discussion of whatever it is that your DH used to do? Did work provide you all with a lot to talk about? Maybe your parents work(ed) in the same field as you DH did, or they know/knew people in common?

No 2 - I know you are rejecting "therapy", but does your work offer you free, private employee support? You might find it helpful to talk this through with them first, if timing allows (probably more supportive to you right now than this bunch of randoms on t'internet!)

FWIW, my DH's mental health also suffered in a professional role. This included long spells off work, which he never told his parents about, as they would have NOT been understanding. They only live 5 minutes away, and never noticed a thing, but he felt he had to hide from them - not healthy!! It was a strain on me, so I hope I have some understanding of where you are at. I commend your DH for taking this radical step.

He's happy ... and no amount of money can buy that, believe me.

fedup21 · 30/12/2019 12:57

Is he working hard?

If your parents value hard work, and that’s what he’s doing, that’s all good!

What was his previous role, did you say?

ICouldHaveTinsillitis · 30/12/2019 12:58

OP, I meant your DH is happy etc

Horsemad · 30/12/2019 12:58

OP, there is dignity in all labour.

Something to repeat to yourself and, if necessary, your parents too.

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 30/12/2019 12:58

It's fine for you to feel uncomfortable because you've supported him regardless of your own feelings You come from a family that values a profession and it's a big shift, not to mention the added low-level anxiety about changes in income and security.

You don't need to tell your parents at all. You've framed this as a 'big' conversation in your head (and I understand why) but it doesn't have to be.

If it comes up in conversation eg DH mentions when he goes back to work after the holidays or a project he's worked on, then fine.

You're obviously not close enough that you told them about the change when it happened so there's no need to make a big announcement now.

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