How do I tell my parents that my husband has given up his professional job?

[TR888]

Hi,

My husband has worked in a professional role for over 20 years. He’s hated it most of this time. Every few years, things come to a head and he can no longer cope with work (very high anxiety) so he leaves and tries jobs in other organisations. So far, they have never worked long term and I have come to dread these cycles.

I work full-time in a professional job too, love my work and earn a good salary. We are in our late forties and have three school-aged children.

After the most recent and most severe bout of anxiety, we decided he should do something completely different and non-professional and he’s become a decorator. Working with his hands brings him a lot of pleasure and he’s the happiest he’s been in years. However, he’s obviously lost the salary, security, status and other perks that come with professional roles. He doesn’t mind. I confess I do - but that’s another thread.

We are spending a week with my parents abroad. They are retired professionals who value work highly and don’t necessarily have much sympathy about mental health issues. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but i simply don’t know how to tell them that my husband is now a decorator.

Any advice?

Also, why should it be a difficult conversation?
Why don’t they know that he was struggling and that he wanted to make a change? It shouldn’t be a big surprise to them, if it is then it’s your fault as you’ve obviously put off telling them because you are ashamed of him

you could lie slightly & say he is in interior design which he has always wanted to do if that would keep the peace

You need to give more thought to your husband’s health and less thought to your parent’s potential judgement.
My partner walked out of his job in the summer because it was making him ill. I casually mentioned it in conversation to my parents while on the phone because they asked how he was. It was scary that he left without another job to go home to, but I love him and support him.

It wouldn't be a difficult conversation if you were okay with it, op. That's the problem. You are struggling to work how to tell them something you don't believe yourself.

Wow, there are some strong feelings here! I don't think I need any therapy 😁 but thanks for suggesting it.

I feel no shame about feeling a little uncomfortable about my husband's career change. I have been nothing but supportive during these 20+ years, but I accept it might not come across in these lines.

Good for him getting another job. He hasn't exactly given up and done nothing has he!
I too have seen a lot of burn out, breakdowns and families split apart from high flying city careers.

You've phrased it perfectly in your OP. Don't over think it, don't say it in an apologetic tone, tell them with pride.

Did he really just "become a decorator"? They usually train for some time you know. It's considered a trade.

You need to support him. His health is more important than anything else. Imagine the furore if the genders were reversed here.

If your parents say anything rude or insulting to or about him, tell them firmly that you don't need or welcome their opinions.

I think you’re dreading the conversation because you’re worried it will force you to ‘justify’ the decision, and you’re not 100% able to do that. So as soon as they say ‘But what about pensions? How will you afford X now? What about...’ you know you’ll be on the back foot because you’re worried about all those things.

So yes, you need to think about how you answer, and yes, it is more to do with you than with your DP’s reactions.

Btw, I think it is perfectly understandable to not feel 100% about this within yourself, but still to be able to support your DH 100%.

Tell them he's retired from the City and is retraining to do something else.
That implies that financially you are secure as a family which is what most parents worry about for their daughters even the ones who value status jobs highly.

You'll need to find the peace of mind for yourself before you can sort your parents.
In a similar position and while it is stressful to now be the main breadwinner I am no longer torn between the stress of trying to leave work by 5.30 to do childcare pick ups, ensure kids have support with homework and a million other things. DH now has the headspace to take on much of the mental and physical load and in many ways it's been a godsend. He is ace* and I don't begrudge him the time off to find something more rewarding to do.

(*Unlike some of the utter waste of spaces some women seem to be married to on here)

Why would you feel any shame? (I say that as someone in a professional job). Surely you should feel pride he battled for so long and pride that he is forging a new path?

His job shouldn't be a shameful secret!

How does your DH feel about your ‘difficulty’ in talking to your parents?

Just tell them. And tell them to get a grip if they say anything arsey!

Your DH has presumably, with you, built up savings, a pension, equity in your house. He has a string work ethic, decorating is hardly sitting around in his arse, and brings in decent income.

In your shoes I would be proud of him. Not inheriting and pandering to your parents snobbery.

Good for him. I know the types of role that you are referring to. I am a professional and understand the pressure that some of these roles put on people. I also know that it can seriously affect the health, relationships and well being of some people.

You need to put this in an extremely positive light about the benefits of changing and how things have changed since they worked (emails etc have positive and negatives...) I understand why you are concerned - key thing is that they understand why he has done it. (Life is about much more than a suit).

The parents might be concerned for the financial stability of their dd and dgc - so reassuring them on that front might be helpful. If he has had a succession of job changes then will they think this is just the same?
Hope you have insisted on him practising on your house first!

I feel no shame about feeling a little uncomfortable about my husband's career change.

Well you should.

How can being 'a professional' trump your DH's health? Do you not love this man? Or did you just love the perks and status that come with him being in a professional role? My DH also changed path from a high salary professional role 5 years ago and he's happy now, at last. His blood pressure has gone down and he's no longer on medication. He has more time for his family. We cut our cloth accordingly and I hope it means we'll have a longer time together as his previous life was in no way sustainable.

You just tell your parents if you really want to. It's actually none of their business anyway.

Tell then before you visit so they can digest it before they see him

Face to face your DH will see their split second real reaction, which you suspect will be negative

Oh dear - I've become the evil wife who's only interested in her husband's money. Well, that's disappointing.

For the record, I've always been the main breadwinner - he wasn't in a City job earning hundreds of thousands as somehow a few of you have assumed. I have been there for him every single time he's had a crisis and have always supported him during the times he's been between jobs. I feel zero guilt at feeling uncomfortable about this new stage in his working life.

Good for him. He's doing a useful job that he enjoys.

I'm a teacher. (I don't know if you'd count that as a professional job or if you only include ones that involve 6 figure salaries.)

My dp now has a similar job but when we first got together he was doing voluntary work while unemployed and the first job he found was skilled manual work. At no point did I think less of him or feel awkward telling people what he did.

If you really feel uncomfortable about your dp's new job then you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

What is it you feel uncomfortable about? Why is having a professional job better than being a decorator?

Why do you feel uncomfortable? Obviously you don't have to say but I think your original wording came across perhaps more badly than you intend, for example if you worry about any stress he may feel about self employed etc, rather than the money issue.

Although I do think it's telling you worry about your parents' reaction at this age and stage in your lives.

How about being proud about his work as a decorator? Celebrating the fact that he is doing something useful, something that brings pleasure to other people? Not just see it as an escape from a life that was harming him, but as a change into something positive, that requires hard work and skill? Try it and you may be surprised!

Once you can show him that you value what he does, your parents' attitude will matter a lot less. And may even change, once they find you stand together as a team.

I feel no shame about feeling a little uncomfortable about my husband's career change.

OP - nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about a career change such as you describe. MN is a strange place at times.