How do I tell my parents that my husband has given up his professional job?

[TR888]

Hi,

My husband has worked in a professional role for over 20 years. He’s hated it most of this time. Every few years, things come to a head and he can no longer cope with work (very high anxiety) so he leaves and tries jobs in other organisations. So far, they have never worked long term and I have come to dread these cycles.

I work full-time in a professional job too, love my work and earn a good salary. We are in our late forties and have three school-aged children.

After the most recent and most severe bout of anxiety, we decided he should do something completely different and non-professional and he’s become a decorator. Working with his hands brings him a lot of pleasure and he’s the happiest he’s been in years. However, he’s obviously lost the salary, security, status and other perks that come with professional roles. He doesn’t mind. I confess I do - but that’s another thread.

We are spending a week with my parents abroad. They are retired professionals who value work highly and don’t necessarily have much sympathy about mental health issues. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but i simply don’t know how to tell them that my husband is now a decorator.

Any advice?

too

PS my dad was a carpenter so I do sympathize about the amount of 'stuff' that someone in that line of work needs and if you are worried about him keeping good records/books etc there are some very good online systems now for that. I was self employed for a year and hated it, hated doing tax returns! But if he is going to make a go of it he does need to do this all properly.

Good luck.

BillHader my DH is a professional painter and decorator and the rate he works at is unbelievable. People.pay for a quick.job with a quality finish. Both of which the ops husband will take a long time to get to that level.

your update puts things more in perspective, OP

then again, might there not be another side to pretty well all of these worries:

• the fact you need to rely on good physical health for this job when my husband is in his late 40s- but then again, you need to rely on good mental health for his other job, and this you have already told us your husband hasn't got

• the undeniable reality that a more physically demanding job carries a higher likelihood for said health to take a knock. but his mental health has already taken a knock. Would also like to mention the warning example of my db who ran his own business, highly successful, traded with the whole world, had a stroke just after his 50th birthday and will probably never be back to normal. High stress levels can do that. Your dh was experiencing high stress.

• the lack of experience in self-employment and how he'll manage the organisation of paperwork. valid point- do you think his previous experience as a professional might help with this? can you ask for reassurance on that point?

• the future drop in pension income. again, valid point, but then there wouldn't be much pension income if he had a stroke like my db and had to retire altogether

• the sheer amount of space his decorating gear takes in our house. is it a very small house? is this something you could overcome by planning?

the undeniable reality that a more physically demanding job carries a higher likelihood for said health to take a knock.

or the other way round.. it's not that physical anyway and keeping active keeps people young! Being happy even more so.

Get paid decent rate and get an apprentice helps too.

the lack of experience in self-employment and how he'll manage the organisation of paperwork.
I am sure anyone who managed to have a "professional" job for decades (?) can keep on top of paperwork....

You don't give your husband much credit do you!

You may have reasonable concerns about your husband's career change. But the only one you mentioned in your initial post, and in the title of your thread, was what will your parents think.

That's not a "hard conversation to have". It needn't even be a conversation - you don't even have to tell them if you don't want to. And if you do want to, just mention it as a fact, not as a subject for discussion.

I don't know how close you are to your parents. I'm very close to mine, but I strongly believe that you shouldn't discuss couple issues with them.

Not that physical a job? Really? Damn sight more physical than sitting in an office all day.

And get an apprentice? He's not trained himself so an apprentice wouldn't learn very much!

Do they use decorators?
Someone's gotta do it!

Chill out, please 😂. I was having some food with family - sorry if I've spoiled your entertainment.

You see, churlish comments like this just make you sound a little bit silly OP. You posted, then got snippy when you didn't like some of the responses. Very common on here but always tiresome.

Your last post actually raises some very valid concerns. It's a puzzle why you posted regarding telling your parents about your DH changing jobs, rather than the much more important issues you subsequently raise. I'm unsure why seeking their approval seems to be more of a worry to you than anything else. Odd.

its nothing to do with them. If they say anything that in anyway shows a disregard for your husbands anxiety issues i would up and leave.

Someone can be good at something but nit able to run a successful business doing that thing. My DH is highly skilled in his field but when he tried to set up his own company even with outside financial backing he just couldn’t do it, it was a disaster and cost us a lot of money . It’s only now after 4 years of doing his work freelance that we are financially stable again.
Even a highly skilled decorator ( or one who’s done a bit of DIY) may struggle with the business side of things. It doesn’t matter how intelligent this man is, if he has had someone to give him the work to do and people to do all the tasks that facilitate his previous high profile job he may well not have the skills or ability to run a successful decorating business
I can see why OP would be concerned

It depends. I'd be concerned as a parent if his career change was causing the family massive financial hardship and they were up to their eyes in debt because of it. But you don't mention this OP so I'm guessing not.

“I am self employed now”

“I have a/my own decorating /house renovation business”

“I run my own business”

Face it OP, he has retired young and is keeping himself occupied with a bit of DIY........

Absolutely nothing wrong with taking time to adjust to a big change in your lives.
I felt the same when my dh left his dull very averagely.paid job to go self employed.
It was just a big change for our famiky and although je didnt earn mega bucks as a famiky we had tge security of knowing thst on X day of the month we had £X of his salary being paid in and on Y day of the month £Y of my salary being paid on making a total of £Z to live off every month.
Suddenly only my salary was a definite on Y day every month.
It took some adjustment and I felt very uncomfortable about it. At times I wish we'd just carried on as before.

At the moment his new career is paying off in monetary terms but less do in stress and the self employment problem of never knowing how long the current contract will last. However, we have now both adjusted and he loves ehat he does.

It just takes time when an important basis of your life changes. There could be significant impact to you all.
I think your getting a hard time if it OP on here but mumsnet seems to bring out the holier than thou and LTB brigade that sir merrily behind thier keyboards judging anyone who may ever admit to (what they perceive) "weakness" in thier thought processes.
It's fine to go through a period of adjustment after a huge change. I'm late 40s and still worry about my parents opinions on my life, although it does not stop me from doing what I want.
You sound kind, supportive and empathetic to both your dh and parents.

I know the question is going to be 'BUT WHY????????'

Also it's not certain jobs per se that make people stressed. It's how certain people react. If he's prone to stress and anxiety he's unlikely to find self employment and the prospect of a lack of a decent pension an easy ride either. As I say, I do understand where you are coming from OP and why you and your parents may be concerned.

I'm the fuck it lifes too short to be so stressed and money is not the be-all and end-all. Both OH and I have changed jobs and careers over the years, had pay cuts and pay rises, would much rather cut my cloth accordingly than be overly stressed for the sake of a better car, shopping at Waitrose or a bigger holiday.

Support your husband don't be embarrassed by him which comes across in your posts.

also, fuck what your parents think, but I do feel this is more about you than them.

Alaska - it's not me who derailed the thread towards my own feelings regarding my husband's career change. My question was about telling my parents; however, I guess discussing my perceived snobbery was more entertaining, hence the direction the thread took.

I accept it's ridiculous to worry about what my parents think at my age. There is, of course, a backstory.

There is, of course, a backstory.

Which you’re clearly not sharing here - so quite how you expected to get the response you wanted on this thread is a mystery!

Perhaps just tell them he wasn’t well and couldn’t keep working. Or he wasn’t getting paid enough to justify the stress/long hours so he decided to start a business instead so he can hire a few people in five years and have a passive income. I can understand your concern. My father isn’t a judgemental man (he worked in factories when I was a child after having a professional career earlier in life). But he would probably be extremely worried if I told him my husband had quit his profession to paint houses. If you give them a plausible reason I’m sure they’ll just accept it without further questioning.

Of course you're a bit worried about your dh's change of profession! He used to be an employee, probably on PAYE, with sick leave, security of a consistent salary and holiday pay, all tax affairs and NI sorted for him.

Now he will have to do all that himself, along with finding work for himself. If he doesn't find work he'll not get paid. If he takes a family holiday he won't get paid. If he falls sick, he won't get paid. He'll need indemnity insurance, and if a job goes wrong he'll be liable.

Of course you're worried, it's only sensible.

However, he is happy now. I think that's worth a hell of a lot.

StoorieHoose
Not that physical a job? Really? Damn sight more physical than sitting in an office all day.

but you do know that not everyone does work in a office sitting on a chair all day? It is physical, but I can think of countless jobs a lot more demanding than this one.

Sounds a bit like people who claim you can do housework instead of exercise

I would struggle with the constant fumes of various chemicals a lot more than the so-called physical aspect...

Jux- you've just got it. And I do support him as per my OP.

Thank you all for your responses.

Has he actually had any paid work as a 'decorator' yet? I'm even more on your side now - this sounds like a man who has changed careers on a whim and just expects you to carry on funding him and supporting the family.
There's also the fact that you have repeatedly had to step up and pay the bills when he's flounced out of previous jobs because it's all too stressful for him - has he ever seen the GP about this 'anxiety' or is it one of those self-diagnosed 'MH issues' that are a convenient way for him to not have to pull his weight?