How do I tell my parents that my husband has given up his professional job?

[TR888]

Hi,

My husband has worked in a professional role for over 20 years. He’s hated it most of this time. Every few years, things come to a head and he can no longer cope with work (very high anxiety) so he leaves and tries jobs in other organisations. So far, they have never worked long term and I have come to dread these cycles.

I work full-time in a professional job too, love my work and earn a good salary. We are in our late forties and have three school-aged children.

After the most recent and most severe bout of anxiety, we decided he should do something completely different and non-professional and he’s become a decorator. Working with his hands brings him a lot of pleasure and he’s the happiest he’s been in years. However, he’s obviously lost the salary, security, status and other perks that come with professional roles. He doesn’t mind. I confess I do - but that’s another thread.

We are spending a week with my parents abroad. They are retired professionals who value work highly and don’t necessarily have much sympathy about mental health issues. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but i simply don’t know how to tell them that my husband is now a decorator.

Any advice?

Wasted potential? Is that somehow implying that people have to settle for being a decorator rather than something seen as more worthy? Perhaps it was meant differently, but that does sound like you consider manual trades as somehow lesser? You can earn a huge amount, as I know from friends who out earn me in my professional career.

Honestly, changes can be unsettling, but someone's health and happiness is more important. My friend's husband was hugely successful, very important, seldom present and died of a heart attack at 40 despite being seemingly fit and healthy. She now wishes she had listened when he said he was stressed and wasn't sure it was all worth it.

I think, providing bills are paid, a happy husband is more important than one working in a professional job. Life is short, which I have learned lately and to many employers you are just a cog in a machine. Money is nice of course, but if you aren't around to spend it or are too unhappy to appreciate it what's the point?

You need to explore your own feelings OP and consider why you feel your parents may react negatively. Then you can counter any of their comments. Personally I would tell them he had changed role and extol the virtues of the new one, but if they are of the mindset that success and money are more important than mental health then you may just have to agree to disagree on this one and change the subject.

Do you have to tell them? If they don't need to know, why do so? It's not as thought they'd have to (in the ordinary run of things) have to phone him at work. I'd keep quiet about it and perhaps mention it in passing if I had to.

I wouldn't tell them. In fact I wouldn't tell any friends or family at all. Because, the moment that they find out, they'll suddenly be expecting favours. Your parents may look momentarily down on him, until they realise that their bedroom ceiling needs a coat of paint.

Well I know what the OP means from my own experience - people would ask what I did and I'd say 'I'm a solicitor' and it would be treated with a certain 'respect' that is accorded to professions which are achieved through years of study/book work. If you think about it it's the basis of the layers of our class system since time immemorial so it's really not surprising that people are affected by it, consciously or subconsciously.

It was hard in my mind to give that up to become a SAHM because even though I know it's bollocks - any old numpty can become a solicitor just like many of the 'professions' out there, and in fact I wouldn't have the skills to be a decorator - even though I knew it was bollocks it was hard to let go of my perceived 'status'.

So I get it OP, but just try and intellectualise the fact that it's just bollocks.

OP has only returned once to answer all the questions. Including HOW her DH has "become" a decorator with no training!

@TR888 : "Thank you for your answers. Yes, you are right I shouldn't care what my parents think, but it is still a difficult conversation to have."

"I will think of the best way to phrase it."

I think you can't go far wrong by basing it around @Iprefergin 's suggestion - " 'Husband has finally quit that dreadful, soul destroying, anxiety ridden career and is now doing something he loves. Hes the happiest, healthiest and most relaxed we have seen him in years' ".

Present it as a positive, something you approve of and are happy about. Be prepared to voice your disapproval of their attitude should they voice their disapproval of his career change. Point out he's spent 20 years in his ex-profession, long enough to know he doesn't want to work in that field any more. I suspect you haven't much experience of disagreeing with them to their face? Now is the time to do so.

You describe your parents as "retired professionals who value work highly and don’t necessarily have much sympathy about mental health issues." I presume you mean they value professional work, as opposed to trade/manual/vocational work? They'd value an engineer over a mechanic, an architect over a carpenter? Sorry, but if that is the case, they are snobs. And if it's not the case, what's wrong with being a decorator? It's respectable work for which there is always demand.

@Sparkletastic Inverted snobbery? Such as?

@Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas Yes it is, I was too. I think anyone would be at a change of career, however, that doesn't seem to be the case here. I think the OP sounds ashamed of her DH because he's now 'just' a decorator and not in a professional role as before. I may be wrong, but that's how her posts read to me and that's not great IMO. Perhaps the OP will come back and clarify.

I understand the anticipated reactions of your parents, but is there a need to give them any details at all about your husband's job? I'm thinking of the Christmas week we have just had - work wasn't mentioned once, other than the family member who hosted Christmas Day lunch having a night shift that started at 9pm.

I wouldn't know other people's situations necessarily, except for my brother who loves talking about how much money he rakes in - which is fine, happy to listen. I often have gaps between jobs, through choice. If I'm asked how work is, I reply "fine thanks" - and frankly, detailed accounts of month/year end or similar are pretty boring for everyone.

I'd be shit scared in your shoes but actually I am jealous of him. Presumably he can pick up additional skills like plastering, kitchen fitting and never be out of work. Good luck to him.

I have just had a leaflet thing delivered through my door. Its highlighting Professional people (who can do all the jobs you hate) as in plumbing , gardening,and Decorating etc..These are the jobs that make people happy to have done,and are usually done by skilled people, who are happy to oblige.

So I think that your husband should tell your parents about his new venture, and not you having to tell them, as it seemingly is as problem that you have.

Offer them mates rates.

Have faith OP, you never know what is round the corner.

My ex worked in the City but an introvert.

Our marriage did not survive his breakdown and acting out.

He is incredible with his hands and design. Had he flipped houses working for himself (and the Universe gave us several hints) he would have been far happier and we would have paradoxically, wealthier.

So trust in the Universe and go for it.

Chill out, please 😂. I was having some food with family - sorry if I've spoiled your entertainment.

Still zero concerns about my reaction, which I think is fully reasonable. I see people in this thread are more of the black-or-white school of thought. Good for you! I'm a lesser person, unfortunately.

So, what do I worry about? Oh, just small matters like:

• the fact you need to rely on good physical health for this job when my husband is in his late 40s.
• the undeniable reality that a more physically demanding job carries a higher likelihood for said health to take a knock.
• the lack of experience in self-employment and how he'll manage the organisation of paperwork.
• the future drop in pension income.
• the sheer amount of space his decorating gear takes in our house.

And more!

And yes, he's not got any formal decorating training. He's however a very good DIYer and has plenty of experience decorating for family.

Be honest your DH is now a handyman who does some painting and decorating. He hasn't done an apprenticeship or had much experience yet?

I think you may have screwed yourself over a bit here - you made it sound like you were struggling with him giving up a professional job, and it seems you've actually got some pretty valid concerns about the field of work he's gone into.

I hope he's being open with you about those!

I don't know what you mean by "professional job". All a "profession" is is a paid occupation. So, as a decorator, he is still in a "professional job".

It sounds like your parents' snobbery has come down a generation to you, with that remark.

You might be outwardly supportive, but you still think his previous job was somehow better.

I actually have more admiration for people in practical jobs like building and decorating, as it's something I have no idea about myself.

Present it as a positive and do not listen to any moans from your parents. Defend his choice to them and accept that a healthy happy husband is more more than a mentally exhausted one.

I don;t want to sound dramatic but if circumstances were different you could be telling them he had left you because he could not cope with the pressure, was in a mental institute or even had taken his life. Maybe none of these are remotely possible but I still think a happy husband and a stable life together is much better than rolling the dice with mental health problems and all that may potentially bring.

Enjoy your visit and stick up for your man.

Sunshine she means "acceptable" like doctor, lawyer, dentist. Not painter and decorator...which she seems to think you can just decide to 'become' with no training.

much more

the undeniable reality that a more physically demanding job carries a higher likelihood for said health to take a knock.

Never underestimate the impact on health that being unhappy in a stressful job can have. You have already pointed out that your husband has had to leave several jobs due to anxiety. Do you want a repeat of this over and over again until he is so ground down that he does something he regrets?

I don't think it is just your parents who have no idea about mental health issues.

There is an old saying. Anyone who can piss can paint. the painters answer to that is yea but can you piss all day everyday while up a ladder carrying 2 X 10 litre emulsion tubs?

he's not got any formal decorating training. He's however a very good DIYer and has plenty of experience decorating for family.

😂

Oh that's ok then! I'm sure his customers will be happy to know that! Why would they rather someone who was a time served painter and decorator when they can book your handy DH!?

Be honest your DH is now a handyman who does some painting and decorating. He hasn't done an apprenticeship or had much experience yet?

Yes with OP's latest update it appears so, and I understand her concerns better now.

Decorators often earn as much as 'professionals'.

That said, my acquaintance was struck off from his profession and decided to become an electrician. Poles apart (pun intended).

It's an odd one as you're going to get the inevitable question 'Why?'. Only he can answer that and I'm not going to presume to answer on his behalf. I presume you know why. If his explanation was acceptable to you, it really doesn't matter what his parents think (though they might me tutting and huffing and wondering).

If it keeps them happy, I'd go with the 'interior designer' crap too.

As I have said, I know 'working' men who earn more than professionals.

The other thing is that they work hard. Same long hours at times, but it's constantly using your brain and your body. Don't believe that using your brain while sitting on your tush is superior.

Stoorie and that aside, a proper painter and decorator knows how to prep properly and paints seriously fast. It's also massively hard work...I know because I was an apprentice painter and decorator. Couldn't hack it...to physically demanding.