How do I tell my parents that my husband has given up his professional job?

[TR888]

Hi,

My husband has worked in a professional role for over 20 years. He’s hated it most of this time. Every few years, things come to a head and he can no longer cope with work (very high anxiety) so he leaves and tries jobs in other organisations. So far, they have never worked long term and I have come to dread these cycles.

I work full-time in a professional job too, love my work and earn a good salary. We are in our late forties and have three school-aged children.

After the most recent and most severe bout of anxiety, we decided he should do something completely different and non-professional and he’s become a decorator. Working with his hands brings him a lot of pleasure and he’s the happiest he’s been in years. However, he’s obviously lost the salary, security, status and other perks that come with professional roles. He doesn’t mind. I confess I do - but that’s another thread.

We are spending a week with my parents abroad. They are retired professionals who value work highly and don’t necessarily have much sympathy about mental health issues. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but i simply don’t know how to tell them that my husband is now a decorator.

Any advice?

This is why men kills themselves.

Most professional jobs are office / desk based though surely? I was meaning that it is a more physical job than the ops DH previously had.

Being a decorator as a full time job isn't the same as doing DIY or your mates bedroom - which I'm sure the ops DH will soon become aware of if he wanted to be recommended to get further work

I think the ‘telling your parents’ worry is a non issue. You only have to say something if it crops up in conversation and just be factual but brief. Thats not really the problem here though, is it?

In your shoes, I’d be very concerned if DH was just fannying about doing odd job decorating for mates rates rather than running it as a proper business venture, marketing his services on social media etc. and providing accurate quotes for potential clients.

The decorator we use employs 4 staff and charges premium rates because he provides a premium service. He’s got a great reputation and is in very high demand so you have to book him months in advance. He works very hard, has drive and ambition as well as genuine talent and manages his team very effectively.
His wife is a local school teacher. I can’t imagine for a second that she’s anything but incredibly proud of her husband’s achievements.

Perhaps an open and honest discussion with others would be ok OP? Not sure what your parents are like, but even if they are absolutely horrible how will DH cope with that? Will it send him into depression or raging anxiety? What about when he can't find work for months? How will he cope with that? Or when he gives a quote for a job and the customer decides to go with another decorator? Or if the customer expresses disatisfaction at your DH's workmanship? How will your DH cope with that? I think if anyone is going into self employment they need to have some level of resilence to be able to cope with rejection and the hardships of running a business. Also if you have the above what I think are relavent concerns then your parents will likely mention these things as well? Does your DH have the answers? Maybe discussing these things will open him up to the realities of owning a business in which he seems to have very little (no?) experience.

Being a decorator as a full time job isn't the same as doing DIY or your mates bedroom

very true

but not that different from taking on a renovating project. The stress is always finance related, the physical activity does you good!

I'd be a bit concerned if my dh took up as a 'hobbyist' decorator without formal training/ apprenticeship, because I'd worry about the ramifications of the business being unsuccessful (both financial and to his self esteem). However you can have several phases of your career, and I'd view this as his current job rather than necessarily what he'll be doing until retirement. Hopefully your finances are organised so that you're not overstretched if this business isn't a success.

I'd explain to your parents in advance, it's obviously a sore spot in your marriage anyway, and it would be difficult if your parents react badly in front of him. Just explain he was unhappy in his previous jobs and is currently running a decorating business. They may not understand, but I'd let them know that you don't want to discuss further (unless you find talking to them helpful).

It's very much a cultural issue we have in this country whereby so-called professional jobs are held in high regard, even if it's just a lowly office job where you get to wear a suit, you are perceived as higher in status than someone in a manual trade. It's ridiculous because so many tradespeople own their own businesses and earn way more than other professions. In Scandinavia for example, a tradesperson is held in extremely high regard and young people are actively encouraged to work in manual professions and are seen as creative.

I personally feel we should pushing more of our young people into creative / manual careers instead of a wasted 3 years at university and a dead end office job at the end of it.

So your parents are snobs and you are finding it difficult to know how you're going to tell them.

Well, it's easy - you don't. How is it in any shape or form any of their business? Why do they need to be told at all?

I think you need to spend more time on your own feelings re his change of career. That's far more important.

it's not me who derailed the thread towards my own feelings regarding my husband's career change.

Well, I'm not sure why you said that you have a problem with his choice, in your OP. I'm not sure why you mentioned that at all.

I agree with Onedaymyluck about the cultural thing. Have just been spending Christmas with a number of young nieces and nephews, one of whom is establishing himself as a carpenter, one who has just returned from the conservatoire in Vienna, and their grandparents' pride in their separate achievements is equally palpable.
But also agree with other pp that it does depend on whether the dh is actually setting about this in a sensible manner and intends to stick it despite the occasional drawback and disappointment.

I personally feel we should pushing more of our young people into creative / manual careers instead of a wasted 3 years at university and a dead end office job at the end of it.

Well said Onedaymyluckwillchange

My dh left a professional job that he hated 7 years ago and started as self employed in a creative type business. I also have a quite high prestige professional job. And he did it when I was 2 months into mat leave with our first dc.

He loves it and has been so much happier. He now has a salary that’s about 4x that he had in his old career.

There were some raised eyebrows initially, particularly as we were already on one income at the time. But it’s been great. No regrets. It’s none of your parents business anyway.

I personally feel we should pushing more of our young people into creative / manual careers instead of a wasted 3 years at university and a dead end office job at the end of it.

I'm reminded of the recent thread where the OP was spitting feathers because her best mate's DD had just been promoted and was due to be earning £££ doing data protection, which had enabled her to buy a house and a car. Apparently this was monstrously unfair because she'd left school at 16 and done and apprenticeship followed by on the job professional qualifications. Whereas OP's DD had gone to Uni and was working in the call centre of the same business earning a fraction of her mate's salary.

I realise data protection isn't the most creative of industries (!) but it underlines the point nicely that there is more than one route to success than going to Uni.

I accept it's ridiculous to worry about what my parents think at my age. There is, of course, a backstory.

Which is why I suggested therapy. Not because you're fucked up, but because you are still being driven by other people's opinions.

I absolutely agree that learning a trade is just as valid and valuable as doing an office job - if not more so (the majority of office jobs are 'bullshit jobs' which are boring and pointless and not terribly well-paid). But OP says this man has repeatedly failed to stick to jobs, whines and flounces out of the workplace and she has to support him financially and psychologically every time so it's no wonder she's getting a bit tired of it all.

But OP says this man has repeatedly failed to stick to jobs, whines and flounces out of the workplace and she has to support him financially and psychologically every time so it's no wonder she's getting a bit tired of it all

Or perhaps this is a man who for 20 years has tried to fulfill other people's (or perhaps just his wife's) expectations of what he should do with his life. He has struggled with anxiety but has stuck at it for 20 years! Changing jobs in an attempt to make it work (perhaps because he knows how important the 'status' and the 'perks' of his professional role mean to his wife and in laws

OP loves her job. Her DH hates his. So they decided together that he should change. There is nothing to suggest that he hasn't contributed financially throughout their marriage and nothing to suggest that the family is close to the breadline or in dire financial straits.

Of course their finances will be affected by his change in role but it will benefit the family! Just as when a couple decide that one of them becomes a stay at home parent. It has financial deficits but family benefits. A happy, healthy father is of much greater benefit to the 3 dcs than his professional status!

Do you even need to mention it? Is it any of their business? Just vaguely tell them he has started his own business if they ask, don't throw him under the bus if you know they are going to be judgy and disapproving, it’s his news to share or not.

Nowhere has the OP said that her husband whines and flounces

Absolutely nothing wrong with being a decorator, it is a good, honest days work. I would be proud to say that my husband was a hardworking tradesman.

Wouldn't they be proud of him for starting up his own business (I'm assuming he has started up his own decorating business?).

What’s wrong with being a decorator??? How is a lowly job.

The OPs dh isn't a decorator though. He's a handyman. He hasn't served his time and has only experience of painting as a hobby or diy

But OP says this man has repeatedly failed to stick to jobs, whines and flounces out of the workplace

I can't see anywhere on this thread that the OP says he whines and flounces, can you point to where she does? She says he has anxiety. Hardly the same thing.

My ex hated his job then a colleague left to claim long term sick leave and took very early retirement. My ex did the same and never worked again. There was nothing actually wrong with him except self pity.
That’s why he became my ex.

Oh, just give him time. He will start missing the things the other job afforded in less than a year’s time.

I hope you have not let on to him that you look down on him now .