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Original poster

How do I tell my parents that my husband has given up his professional job?

196 replies

TR888 · 30/12/2019 11:38

Hi,

My husband has worked in a professional role for over 20 years. He’s hated it most of this time. Every few years, things come to a head and he can no longer cope with work (very high anxiety) so he leaves and tries jobs in other organisations. So far, they have never worked long term and I have come to dread these cycles.

I work full-time in a professional job too, love my work and earn a good salary. We are in our late forties and have three school-aged children.

After the most recent and most severe bout of anxiety, we decided he should do something completely different and non-professional and he’s become a decorator. Working with his hands brings him a lot of pleasure and he’s the happiest he’s been in years. However, he’s obviously lost the salary, security, status and other perks that come with professional roles. He doesn’t mind. I confess I do - but that’s another thread.

We are spending a week with my parents abroad. They are retired professionals who value work highly and don’t necessarily have much sympathy about mental health issues. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but i simply don’t know how to tell them that my husband is now a decorator.

Any advice?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 30/12/2019 13:01

I think you can let him tell them. If it crops up in conversation before he does, you can say something like, “I’ll let H tell you his news”. You can be supportive without taking on the role of his explainer and justifier, which I think women often feel they have to do.

If they ask you how you feel about it, I would be honest and say something like, “Obviously, I have some concerns but I think it’s something that he needs to do right now and I can honestly say, he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him”.

Lunde · 30/12/2019 13:05

A relative of mine did this - he gave up a high pressure professional job for a manual trade and over a decade on the family is much happier he owns his own business and is thinking of retiring early.

A teacher that I know also did this and now works in construction in Norway and earns over £100,000 per year.

You need to think about why this makes you uncomfortable. Have you been brought up to think that only professional jobs are "good jobs" and that trade/manual work is somehow "lesser"

PuppyMonkey · 30/12/2019 13:06

If it’s going to be such a hassle for you to explain it to your parents, can you just phrase it along the lines that he’s launched a new interior design start up? Grin

MintyMabel · 30/12/2019 13:07

I shouldn't care what my parents think, but it is still a difficult conversation to have.

No it isn’t. It’s only difficult because you are ashamed. The problem is you, not them.

Lordfrontpaw · 30/12/2019 13:08

Tell them before and say that if they don’t have anything positive and supportive to say about it, to just not mention it again.

BaolFan · 30/12/2019 13:12

I don't understand why you have to tell them at all. This isn't a school report and you aren't obliged to update them with every single life change that arises.

If it is going to cause problems then I'd say nothing at all. If they ask how work is going then smile and say 'fine' and move the subject along. You aren't lying - its answering the question you've been asked without volunteering additional information.

returnofthecat · 30/12/2019 13:14

Do your parents know how much he's struggled previously, or will this come as a shock to them?

Lordfrontpaw · 30/12/2019 13:15

If they ask about ‘how’s work’ etc or about holidays/new house that maybe off the cards for now, then it might be a bit awkward.

It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I’m planning my exit to do something more hands on and creative (granted I haven’t had a ‘real’ job for the past few years as I have had to compromise balancing family commitments) but I had a proper job back in the day (and wouldn’t go back even if you paid me my old salary).

FrivolousPancake · 30/12/2019 13:17

Good god you’d want to seriously examine your own feelings. You’re in your forties and you’re worrying what your parents will think?! Of something commendable!

He hasn’t ran off to join the circus or began a ridiculous and expensive pursuit, he’s working a fair and honest trade.

Take a look at yourself OP.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/12/2019 13:18

Just tell them he's become a painter, working mainly from commissions.

You could even re-style it as 'artist'. If Subway can have 'sandwich artists' then I don't see why somebody who actually works with paint can't also be considered one.

I agree with others, though - the main issue is your own feelings. He's still working hard for a living, albeit not as grand a living, but isn't his mental health also an extremely important factor? It could even be a longer-lived career than his previous one, as high-stress super-powered jobs, even if they don't lead to burn-out, tend to fizzle out as people get to the age where they might be considered set in their ways and they're frequently managed out in favour of somebody younger, more dynamic, more manipulable and more up-to-date with the latest hare-brained business paradigms. On the other hand, if they're in reasonable physical health, a skilled and experienced decorator can often work for as long and for as many regular hours as they choose.

AutumnRose1 · 30/12/2019 13:21

Good for him.

Tbh partly you’re the problem. Give your head a wobble and ask why the status matters to you.

Ginfordinner · 30/12/2019 13:22

I also don't understand why you have to tell them. When we meet up with family we never talk about work. Why would your parents be over invested in what your husband does anyway?

I'm also struggling to understand why your husband leaving a job that he hates which causes him stress and anxiety to do something that he enjoys and finds rewarding is such an issue for you.

I'm sorry, but you do not come across well at all Hmm

I'm not shallow enough to view people in terms of their job status. I view them on whether they are nice, kind decent human beings regardless of what they do for a living.

If anything, I would regard anyone in finance/banking etc with suspicion as they aren't exactly known for their integrity and honesty.

Sparkletastic · 30/12/2019 13:27

I'd feel conflicted about it too OP. Not just because of the lifestyle changes but also my perception of wasted potential. Not to mention always having to be the strong one in the marriage. Your parents may well view this negatively but I would tell them (when DH isn't around) and ask for their support for both you and DH. If they feel they can't be supportive then ask them to maintain a discreet silence on the subject.

Sparkletastic · 30/12/2019 13:28

Lots on inverted snobbery on this thread too.

Ginfordinner · 30/12/2019 13:29

but also my perception of wasted potential.

But if the job causes anxiety and depression that kind of destroys your argument. IMO no job is worth making yourself ill (and potentially unemployable) over.

And the OP wouldn't have to be "the strong one" in the marriage if her husband is happy and fulfilled.

FairytaleofButlins · 30/12/2019 13:30

I don't understand why it's a difficult conversation frankly.

He hasn't joined a sect, or become a pimp. He retrained and is doing something else. He's still working.

Fair enough if YOU are uncomfortable about the lack of security, but who cares about the status? People move on. He could have been made redundant, he could have had an injury, he 's just doing something else.
If you are the main bread winner, your own status should be important to you, but his own doesn't reflect on you.

I don't care about my own professional status, I tend to lie and minimise my role because it makes my life easier Grin

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/12/2019 13:34

Sparkletastic where's the inverted snobbery?

Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas · 30/12/2019 13:38

Don't take any notice of the negative posters, OP. It's OK to feel discombobulated by your DH making a dramatic career choice that affects you both.

I think other pps have it right though, your parents don't get a say in this. Tell them and then try not to discuss it further.

Ginfordinner · 30/12/2019 13:38

I don't see any inverted snobbery either

Watchagotcha · 30/12/2019 13:42

It wouldn't be a difficult conversation if you were okay with it, op. That's the problem. You are struggling to work how to tell them something you don't believe yourself.

That's about the size of it OP.

How do you feel about being married to a decorator? And the changes in lifestyle, status and other things that will have gone along with that? It's sounds like you have been fairly equal professionally for most of your lives and now your DH has deliberately chosen to climb several rungs down the ladder. How do you feel about that, and about yourself in relation to his decision?

Dowser · 30/12/2019 13:45

I think it’s lovely
It must be awful to be in a job you hate
I would downsize to the smallest house possible and stretch every tenner to have health and happiness in my home.
No money and position is worth the mental anxiety and disharmony in the home

Crunchymum · 30/12/2019 13:46

I'm surprised your DH has been able to just become a decorator? (Full time I assume, sorry not read the whole thread yet)

My DP, who has only ever been a decorator, took a good decade to have a portfolio of regular clients [think along the lines of schools and offices and manor houses he has regular work with]

Its a tough gig and one of the first trades to suffer in times of economic slowdown.

FWIW, I am very proud of my hardworking DP!

Mammajay · 30/12/2019 13:49

So when a city banker takes his or her savings and buys a vineyard in France, that is OK, but painting and decorating is not? It is important to be in your right element for work. For his self esteem you need to frame his change of job in a positive way for you and your parents.

Kanga83 · 30/12/2019 13:49

My husband did the same- high earning professional, crippling anxiety and never catching a break at work. He was made redundant and decided to go into security for film sets. The hours are crazy but he loves it. It's very low paid but we cope and he's happier for it. I think my parents also think less of him, I couldn't care less to be honest. He changed careers to save his marriage and be a better dad for it.

FairytaleofButlins · 30/12/2019 13:52

Its a tough gig and one of the first trades to suffer in times of economic slowdown.

depends where you are based. I am South East, and people are forever crying to find good decorators as there are nowhere near enough available.

I don't know how much they charge so how good a living they make, but there is more than enough work here at least.