Should a SAHM be responsible for all household and life admin tasks or just childcare?

[marriedsinglemummy]

Just that really. Interested in opinions on whether a SAHMs job is just childcare or if the expectation is for them to take on all household tasks and life admin responsibilities as well as all childcare duties?

Paying bills and shopping, however, is pretty stress free compared to the hustle and bustle of a busy workplace.

As I said quite clearly above, I work and do half the home admin stuff myself. But do please explain more to me about how stressful work is, I am listening with rapt attention.

I do think link, however, looking after children should not be lumped in with the housework/admin as parents need to try to get into a head space where this is a pleasure, not a bore.

This. Looking after one beloved child with no other pressures should be a pleasure not a chore. It's juggling all the other stuff alongside caring for that child that makes it challenging.

53rd way,

It depends on your job, clearly.

I am currently working as a secondary school teacher so think about managing 20-25 kids 7 hours per day alongside dealing with parents, e mails, assessments.

A day with my two kids and a little home admin feels like a holiday.

My first career was completely different but similarly stressful.

I think the point people are making (which gets made on every thread like this) is that they accept that it takes time and effort to do chores, but they query whether there's any need to start listing every tiny little thing to make everything seem so much of a burden. For example on this thread we've had "write a cheque" on the list as to why things are unfair, on another thread someone who was an early bird added waving their older children off at the door and making their OWN cup of coffee to the list.
I think what many people seem to think (me included) is that the bulk of daytime chores would fall to the SAHP and the WOHP should be doing their fair share for evenings and weekends, but taking a monthly meter reading, or writing a birthday card or making a phonecall are just part and parcel of existing as an adult so it's silly to start harping on playing martyr like "I do ALL of this .."

OP in your situation I think that your list is perfectly accomplishable during the week if your DS is at nursery two days per week. Presumably even in the days when DS isn't at nursery he has a nap , and goes to bed fairly early.

I think it sounds as though you need to spend time together as a family over the weekend and if you or your DH has an event they want to attend individually the other should be able to care for your son, and this shouldn't all be one way.

That said, I think even with just one DC, looking after them at 2 years old is tiring and I remember DH and I having a lot of arguments at that time. It should get easier.

A day with my two kids and a little home admin feels like a holiday.

Well that’s lovely for you, but presumably the bloke in this couple does not feel the same as he isn’t gleefully taking on the household admin on his weekends for the holiday-like experience.

Which is totally reasonable. For most of us, sorting out all the admin stuff is time-consuming and not inherently pleasurable. I would not want to be doing it myself if I had a partner at home with children in nursery 2 days/week. I wouldn’t be simultaneously saying “it’s such a doddle, most people don’t even think about it, why do you even need to give it a name!” though.

What is life admin? I'm assuming it's a real thing but surely it doesn't mean paying Bill's?

MN’s opinions on life admin irritate the hell out of me! It’s a very real thing and it Needs doing. Dr Apt’s, boiler services, MOT’s, car tax, getting the kids passports, school/nursery place forms, shared parental leave, family birthdays, kids birthdays/Christmas, school events - they don’t just happen, adult life doesn’t just ‘happen’ - it usually comes with a load of paperwork/Apt’s and requires significant planning and organisation.

We recently moved house and I’m currently sorting SPL for the new arrival early next year...recently our ‘life admin’ has been equivalent to a bloody PT job 👍🏻

but they query whether there's any need to start listing every tiny little thing to make everything seem so much of a burden

But she listed them because people were saying “I do not understand what this ‘life admin’ is, what is this you’re talking about?”

It is work to do all of the admin stuff. It isn’t 40 hours p/w of work but it is still work, and the whole point of it is that tons of tiny little things add up.

Life admin on MN seems to mean any number of things, usually done to convey how horrendously busy someone is when everyone else has to do the same usual adult tasks.

The person at home more does more home things. Surely you get done what you can during the day and then evenings and weekends everything is split though?

Personally if someone is at the point where they are quibbling over writing a cheque because they feel they do too much whilst staying at home then there's probably a bigger issue in the relationship.

I personally would say it’s the hours that your DH works that are a problem, I know it might not be as simple as “get another job” or “reduce hours”, but I personally think being out of the house that many hours five days a week (and sometimes weekends!) is not compatible with family life.

Well I do nearly everything but DH does his own car insurance etc. We share at weekends although he works Saturday morning so I still do all kids sport events. But my DC are all at school now so I have time.

53rd way (and others),

I am curious as to how many hours per week you feel ‘life admin’ actually takes??

I am curious as to how many hours per week you feel ‘life admin’ actually takes??

Why?? It's going to vary depending on how much you've got on, surely. I do think it all adds up to a point where it is unfair to expect the OP's DH to do more than a small fraction of it when he's already working a 70-hour week, when she has two childfree days.

But Larry, if you really feel it's such a lovely enjoyable 5-minutes-a-day doddle doing all the annoying household tasks, you're free to come round to mine and do them for me any time. I'm off work today so I had quite the to-do list built up but I'm more than happy to hand it over

@AlexaShutUp
Looking after one beloved child with no other pressures should be a pleasure not a chore. It's juggling all the other stuff alongside caring for that child that makes it challenging
I challenge you to spend a day with my very much beloved 4 year old to see if you would still make such good claims that parenting should always be pleasurable. She is an incredibly demanding and difficult child who is going through a particularly testing period. Time spent with her at the moment tends to involve a lot of pushing the boundaries and behaviour management which is extremely unpleasant but obviously necessary.

All children are different and this is part of what makes the sweeping statements about SAHPs so disingenuous. Looking after an easy going and compliant child is completely different to looking after a high needs and difficult child. Trust me, I have one of each and the time spent with my easy child alone is a walk in the park in comparison despite them being younger and at a more traditionally challenging age.

I find this thread irritating. As a SAHM this is minimising the amount of work involved in looking after a child. Massively.

Looking after a newborn was sooo much easier for me than a toddler actually. And when you only have one child it’s not half the work, it doesn’t work like that. The child can’t be ignored and neglected he needs entertaining as they don’t have a sibling to play with so very likely you will spend the day interacting side them and then demanding your attention in creative ways if you didn’t. Unless you want to plug them Infront of the TV all day which to me is neglectful.

So a childminder looking after 4 isn’t necessarily doing 4 times the work. Engaging the child for me is one of the most draining tasks but pleasant too.

I have 2 now and the second is still too young but I can already see she is already easier to leave to her own devices because she can seek attention from her older sibling and be entertained by Simply watching him.

Life admin and emotional labour are real things when you are multitasking heavily and doing that while doing housework, childcare and dealing with all the nonsense that happens when everyone that knows u assumes u have so much time on ur hands because ur at home.. and while trying to come up with creative ways to stay independent/stay within budget.

I find this thread irritating. As a SAHM this is minimising the amount of work involved in looking after a child. Massively
Except the OP is a SAHP with a child in nursery two days a week. That's the point people are making. There's two days a week where there isn't a child at home.

Nobody is saying SAHP should do everything and WOHP get a free pass to do nothing, just that it's reasonable for the person at home to do a bigger share of the home tasks during the day and that evenings/weekends (depending on working hours) should be split.

In the OP's situation, they have two child free days at home on their own whilst their DH works long hours. Suggesting that it's fair for the person at home with no children to do the bigger share isn't minimising what goes into having kids around.

I am also irritated by those minimising life admin and looking after children. Please Google “The Mental Load”.

Yes, there is a certain amount of : work filling the time available, and in the case of the OP, she certainly seems to have more spare time than her DP, though I’m not 100% sure what weekends consist of for each party.

As for how long life admin takes per week, I agree that it varies, and actually, because of the mental load - the thinking and planning that underpins it all - measuring it in time is not actually the best measurement. Energy is perhaps a better currency.

And therein lies the explanation as to why some find it so easy and are minimising it - we all have different skills and different energy levels, and this can vary from day to to day or month to month for the same individual.

Have some compassion please for those that do actually find “adulting” and “peopling” quite draining.

It's not that people don't understand the concept of mental load, but the reality is that there is a significant mental load in many jobs as well - far more, in many management roles, than in the average domestic set-up.

A SAHP only needs to worry about the mental load at home, but if the WOHP is expected to carry half of the load at home and 100% of a significant mental load at work, while the SAHP only has to worry about half of the home stuff, that simply isn't a fair division of effort, energy or responsibility.

Of course, it's true that some people are better at juggling stuff than others, perhaps because of skill set, mental or physical health issues etc. In those situations, couples obviously have to negotiate between them and it may end up with one person taking on more than their fair share of the work.

MH,

I find this ‘mental load’ thing really irritating. It just means planning ahead. Anyone who is not a child needs to plan ahead and manage their lives.

Do people really want to be complete infants with no planning required?!

I did, even when I returned to work pt. h had no idea of even what savings we had when he left me!

larry you clearly have no empathy.

MH,

I have empathy with people who are ill and trying to get better. I have little empathy or sympathy with good old fashioned laziness being medicalised or explained away as if it is normal.

If you are sick, get treatment. However, if you want to be taken care of like a child in perpetuity, it is unfair on whomever you are leaning on.

Have some compassion please for those that do actually find “adulting” and “peopling” quite draining.
I find peopling quite draining, but ultimately it's something I've got to get on with.

Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses and skills, but most of us have to just get on with life things. Nothing good comes of listing decidedly basic life tasks in a bid to prove one person works harder than the other. It's not a competition

Do people really want to be complete infants with no planning required?!

Some people do seem to. Particularly men whose wives do it all for them. I know couples like that where even though both of them work, she organises the children's clothes, when new shoes are due, sorts out doctors and dentists, does all the contact with schools and nurseries, birthday presents and cards for friends and families, children's classes and holiday clubs, renews the insurance, on and on, and he... mows the lawn and 'does DIY' when it needs doing. That's when it gets unfair.

The thing about the "mental load" us that it will vary so much by family and depend on so many things including how high your standards are. Take for example present buying, the spectrum goes from ordering gift cards/generic gifts from Amazon with little thought or effort expended to somebody really thinking about each recipient and using a variety of retailers and shops to get something really special and thoughtful for each person. Both methods of present buying "tick the box" but one would take a hell of a lot more time than the other. This tends to be true for pretty much every aspect of life and those that do the bare minimum will always wonder what all the fuss is about.