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Should a SAHM be responsible for all household and life admin tasks or just childcare?

211 replies

marriedsinglemummy · 15/12/2019 14:13

Just that really. Interested in opinions on whether a SAHMs job is just childcare or if the expectation is for them to take on all household tasks and life admin responsibilities as well as all childcare duties?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/12/2019 14:53

But should all of them be the responsibility of the SAHP?

From your list yes, because most of them are so tiny they are done without a second thought,

FaFoutis · 15/12/2019 14:53

Yes, they should you SAHP's responsibility.
My dh is not working at the moment (I am, ft), I expect him to do everything and he does. It's a fair division of responsibility.

Iwishiwasinvisible · 15/12/2019 14:54

Like, you might be able to do other stuff during the day while minding kids, but why should it have to be all the housework and admin? It could be study, write a book, care for extended family, community work, or anything, even leisure time. It's not as if mothers get time off evenings or weekends. When I agreed to give up my career to care for the children, I was not agreeing to become my DH's personal assistant. That's a completely separate negotiation, all that stuff, imo.

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marriedsinglemummy · 15/12/2019 14:55

Totally fair points from everyone, it's given me a different insight. Just off to get down off my high horse and offer DH an apology......

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 15/12/2019 14:55

YABU about this, but there's clearly a problem that YANBU about.

FaFoutis · 15/12/2019 14:55

Work out what it is.

Gran22 · 15/12/2019 14:55

Baby boomer here. When I was young, jobs were much more divided between men and women. My DM was a SAHM, did all the shopping, cooking, mending, washing, ironing, knitting, cleaning and anything else remotely connected to the house. My DF went to work and brought a salary home. We had a communal garden for our block of flats, we jointly paid a man to keep it tidy. I can't remember my father ever doing anything remotely connected to housework. We lived near my gran, she looked after me occasionally.

I had my DC in the 70s. By the time they were both at school I was working FT, although lots of women were still SAHMs or had part time jobs. DH worked away some of the time, but at other times he was home during the week and only worked the occasional evening, and weekends. We had no family nearby. He did most things relating to children and home when I was at work, and vice versa when he was away. An automatic washing machine, a freezer and less cooking everything from scratch, plus having a car made life easier than in my parents' time.

Now my DC are parents of primary and high schoolers. Both mothers had mat leave, but other than that have worked constantly, mainly FT after they had children. Both dads cook, all parents ferry children about, both families employ cleaners and sometimes pay decorators or for heavy garden work. Work is shared often according to who quite likes it (I prefer cleaning and ironing to cooking) or is good at it. We don't live very close to our children, but we babysit and have the grandchildren to stay when needed.

Oblomov19 · 15/12/2019 14:56

I have always done it re ds's: mufti days, Parents evenings, dinner money, dentists, opticians etc.

I work part time and always have done since having the ds's, so this always seemed fine to me.

Marleyisme · 15/12/2019 14:56

Hang on, your child goes to nursery 2 days a week and you still dont think you should take on the majority of household tasks?

marriedsinglemummy · 15/12/2019 14:57

@Iwishiwasinvisible yes! That's what I feel like - his PA. I used to be a PA pre child and some of his emails/messages were very similar to the ones my boss used to send Grin

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/12/2019 14:57

Look if you have problems in your marriage and feel your husband doesn't spend enough time with your son deal with it.

But asking if it's unreasonable for uou to write Xmas cards. Change the occasional bulb or pop to the post office is odd.

EmmaC78 · 15/12/2019 14:58

I think the majority of life admin tasks and household jobs should be done by the SAHP. Especially the really minor things like making phone calls, meter reading etc.

TheCrowFromBelow · 15/12/2019 14:59

X post
You need to share at the weekend
Downtime should include parenting as you can’t switch off from that.

marriedsinglemummy · 15/12/2019 15:00

@Bluntness100 the problem appears to be my opinion of a SAHPs role which I am definitely going to do something about.

OP posts:
oncemorewithfeeling99 · 15/12/2019 15:01

I’m currently a SAHM. I do most day day stuff but I don’t buy Christmas presents for his family, myself (!) and we make joint decisions on other Christmas things.
I do 95% of washing, most cleaning but he does ironing. He cooks about 40% of the time and we share bedtime of the kids
If I’m ill or had a young baby he would (and has done more). Sometimes I’ll do extra things to help if he is ill or very busy.
We try to work as a team and view tasks as being joint responsibility but shared out amongst us differently. So it’s our joint job to clean, tidy and earn money to feed the kids. But some I do more and some he does more.

Tablepicture · 15/12/2019 15:02

It's not as if mothers get time off evenings or weekends.

I don't understand this statement. I have every evening "off", the same as DH. Obviously we can't go out unless the other is staying in/we've booked a babysitter, but otherwise the time is our own?

Iwishiwasinvisible · 15/12/2019 15:02

OP, please note that most of the people saying that the SAHP should do everything are not currently SAHPs themselves. Like, it's good to hear their opinions but everything seems easier at a distance!

mindutopia · 15/12/2019 15:03

I think you should be responsible for all the things you can get done 9-5 in the weekdays. When your partner is home, they should be doing 50-50 and not sitting on their ass.

I work full time as does my dh (I work compressed hours, about 12 hour days over 4 days). I have one work day off per week (in that day I get a load of washing, a dishwasher full of dishes washed, and I do some life admin plus looking after toddler and the school run). Dh gets stuck into it as soon as he genome, just like I do every day I’m working, when he gets home.

Marleyisme · 15/12/2019 15:04

You get 5 hours, twice a week, free.

Does your dh?

dementedpixie · 15/12/2019 15:05

I must be a man then as it's always me that cuts the grass. It's me that tends to do painting jobs too.

Dh can sort out his own family presents as im not doing that. I did do Christmas cards as there arent many. Meter readings I do on the app.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2019 15:06

It's not as if mothers get time off evenings or weekends.

I dont understand this either. My child is part of my family. Sure everyone needs w break, but th op has two days a week with her kid in nursery. The list of tasks wasn't exactly some back breaking work load, it was just normal adulting.

dementedpixie · 15/12/2019 15:06

And dh does most of the cooking and in return I get to clean up the mess he makes!

Partimers · 15/12/2019 15:06

OP none of that is exactly mind blowing Confused

  • post office- for what?
  • write Xmas cards - stop wasting time, money and effort!! They are ridiculous and awful for the environment tbh!
  • take back items to IKEA- fair enough! But who doesn’t love going to IKEA!
  • write Christmas cheque and card for nephew- WRITING A CHEAQE(not exactly taxing!)Haven’t done that in years! Just put money in the card!
  • sort car parking for trip to see in laws- 2-5 mins
  • phone nursery- not a big deal
  • meter reading- again 2 mins max
  • send payment info for holiday accommodation- 2 mins!
  • buy in law Christmas presents - this is dh’s job in my house ...online
  • buy BiL Xmas presents - get dh to do it while buying the others
  • send email re faulty blinds- 1 min
  • change lightbulb in front garden- 2 mins
  • bleed radiator in DS bedroom - 5-10mins
  • buy nursery key worker xmas gifts-no need
  • online food shop- 20 mins max!
Bluntness100 · 15/12/2019 15:07

OP, please note that most of the people saying that the SAHP should do everything are not currently SAHPs themselves

Eh, why does If have to be current, many people on here posting are stay at home mums or have been, and all of us have been on maternity leave. I think we are qualified to answer.

marriedsinglemummy · 15/12/2019 15:09

@Iwishiwasinvisible thank you. Yes I guess it's easy to pass judgement when you're not in that situation! I think people who have said about equal free time and doing what works fairly for your family unit seems to be a good way to view things.

OP posts:
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