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Original poster

Should a SAHM be responsible for all household and life admin tasks or just childcare?

211 replies

marriedsinglemummy · 15/12/2019 14:13

Just that really. Interested in opinions on whether a SAHMs job is just childcare or if the expectation is for them to take on all household tasks and life admin responsibilities as well as all childcare duties?

OP posts:
Iwishiwasinvisible · 15/12/2019 15:09

@tablepicture well, you are lucky then! Not everyone has kids that settle easily and sleep through, and then no stuff to organise for the next day, what can I say.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 15/12/2019 15:11

Just read your updates. I think attitude is everything. It doesn’t matter how much or little you do, if you feel unappreciated and spoken down to then it will be cause you to feel resentful.
I imagine it’s the lack of appreciation and the sense he doesn’t understand your life that are the root issue.

mindutopia · 15/12/2019 15:11

That said, if you have 8:30-3 free two whole days a week , I would expect you’d get a hell of a lot done!

Dh and I have all the things to do that say you have to do, plus run a limited company plus I work full time in London and I spend 18 hours a week commuting and we still manage all these things despite no ‘childfree’ time per week. If we were paying 13 hours per week for childcare we didn’t need so I could have some time to myself, I’d e getting a heck of a lot done in that time! Imagine doing the Christmas cards and the birthday presents and the other crap when you both work business hours and don’t even sit down to do your online shopping til 10 each night. I’d be pretty annoyed if dh had 2 days off per week and didn’t pull his load while I was working 6am-10pm.

Interested in this thread?

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Childcare & nursery Families
Bluntness100 · 15/12/2019 15:12

Yes I guess it's easy to pass judgement when you're not in that situation!

I think you'll find nearly everyone has, although likely not as easy if your kid is in nursery two days a week.

Original poster
marriedsinglemummy · 15/12/2019 15:12

@Partimers sorry, I think people think this is literally all I had to do last week! I meant these as examples of life admin and wanted opinions as to whether these should all be a SAHPs responsibility, that's all. It wasn't a list given to make anyone feel sorry for a heavy workload or busy life!

OP posts:
MrsPear · 15/12/2019 15:12

I do everything. Regardless of what day the calendar says. And if the children wake in the night I get up - ds age 10 got frightened by a bad storm last - very confusing noises when you have severe hearing loss! H works 35 hours a week and pays the bills. Very simple very easy and no stupid arguments over whose turn it’s to hoover. Currently sat on sofa with teen titans on and contemplating starting the roast and ironing uniforms. I’ve already done my weekly plan.

maddiemookins16mum · 15/12/2019 15:13

I never understand people saying just childcare.
Children, even toddlers, don’t need played with or held from 8am-6pm.
They can be ‘left to play’, or nap, or just in their highchair with toys whilst other tasks are done.
Obviously newborns need more (although I was lucky DD slept several hours a time).
I’d never leave all the cleaning, washing etc until the ‘outside working’ parent came home.
Weekend are different of course, the jibs are shared.
Do people really do nothing but interact with their wains all day and leave the other stuff.

cushioncovers · 15/12/2019 15:16

Monday through Friday I would expect a sahp to do whatever needs to be done. At the weekends it's a joint effort. One lie in each day. Sharing family time and any kid's activities etc.

No need for the sahp to wait all week for the other one to sort the car insurance out etc at the weekend.

Partimers · 15/12/2019 15:18

OP I hear you and as someone who has a dh away for a month at a time (and I work part time) and with 2 dc I agree it’s tough but it’s ALL about logistics, planning and time management. And also it is about lowering your standards a bit! I do think if dh is doing NOTHING then he needs to step up! The present buying for example...his family so he should do it! I know not everyone would agree to that but that’s what we do. If it works out that we are somewhere and we spot a gift for someone that suits then yes I will do it for him. But I don’t make it a task in my life!!

I usually spend one morning a week out and about doing jobs like post office/ikea etc...
and I spend one morning doing phone calls and emails if needed.

RedskyToNight · 15/12/2019 15:23

I like the MN rule of thumb of equal leisure time.

The crucial point in your situation is that For context- DH works very long hours (leaves at 6.30am and back at 9.30/10pm on average) sometimes works weekends if necessary.

I think you would be entirely unreasonable to expect him to start mopping floors or mowing the lawn when he gets home on a weekday. However some of the online shopping might be possible to offload onto him if he has time during a commute, for example (clearly not if he is driving).

I do agree with others. If your child is at nursery for 2 days a week then you have more than enough time to do all the things that need doing during that time. Weekends should be spent relaxing and having quality family time and include just incidental childcare and jobs.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/12/2019 15:31

I don't see how your dh can help out on the week working those hours.

As a SAHM I did everything house related but dh did car admin and filled up the car on a Sunday evening for the week. He worked similar hours.

Beautiful3 · 15/12/2019 15:37

I'm a sahm. I look after the children and the household jobs. I hate cutting the grass, taking the cars to the garage, washing the cars (putting petrol in too) so husband does these. When ever the house looks a tip, he will help out by hoovering the house, mopping and washing up.

BackforGood · 15/12/2019 15:40

Now you've said the ridiculously long hours he works, and then add in the fact you only have 1 child and you have 2 days when your LO is Nursery, of course you should be doing virtually everything.

As so many said, before you revealed that - it depends on the circumstances. In your circumstances, of course you should be doing the overwhelming majority.

Iwishiwasinvisible · 15/12/2019 15:42

I don't see how your dh can help out on the week working those hours

If he were single, he'd find a way to survive, surely?

JingleBelle27 · 15/12/2019 15:43

What exactly is “life admin”?

I’m on mat leave currently. I would say I do around 80% of the housework. When DP comes home he sees to baby while I tidy around, start cooking dinner etc.

At weekends we share childcare, but I reckon DP probably does a bit more with the baby because he’s missed him all week. We share weekend house work.

Life admin takes up next to no time. Our bills etc are all direct debit so we don’t do a thing with them and we order our shopping online to be delivered. That probably takes half an hour at most and I do that, then DP has about a 2 minute look and adds anything extra on he might need.

Life admin 😂

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/12/2019 15:47

And in my experience no one can take care of all childcare, all housework and all life admin between the hours of 9-5 so I would expect the working partner to still do a fair amount of chores.

Of course they can.Confused Single working parents have to do it all in the evenings after they've spent the day WOTH.

7salmonswimming · 15/12/2019 15:48

These questions are always fundamentally about respect. Only rarely are they about the actual jobs/tasks.

Whatever has to happen for both of you to feel respected and appreciated is what has to happen. You’re a family. You both have to give and take. Neither of you are going to get what you need and deserve 100% of the time. You look at the big picture, the long game, you communicate and you act with love. Both of you. That’s your answer to who does what percentage of life admin.

Marleyisme · 15/12/2019 15:54

If he were single, he'd find a way to survive, surely?

He would do it at weekends or outsource alot of it.

And OP would have work and do all these things is she was single. Not really sure how what he would do, if he was single is relevant.

Iwishiwasinvisible · 15/12/2019 16:04

@marleyisme the PP said "I don't see how he can help out". First of all, the language "help out" when it's about his own personal things. The assumption that it's the OPs job to take care of him. Why should it be? Like, maybe you agree to do things for your partner, sure, or maybe you don't. But if you do, you're the one helping him! Also, it's not as if long hours descended on him like an act of God. He chose them. If doing so meant relying on other people for his survival, that's a negotiation he should have had, not something to be assumed.

HalyardHitch · 15/12/2019 16:06

@maddiemookins16mum not everyone has easy situations. I have a nearly 2 year old and a nearly 3 year old. The elder one is a really tough preschooler. I can't leave them unattended for long otherwise he becomes violent with his brother. If I try to do anything more then empty the dishwasher they end up causing havoc. I mostly manage to tidy up after myself and the boys throughout the day and get the washing done but I don't manage to do any meaningful cleaning

beepbeeprichie · 15/12/2019 16:13

You’ve said your husband doesn’t do much except “organise finances” but you’ve detailed out writing a cheque and phoning the nursery! I’m not sure what you mean by organise the finances but that may also be considered “life admin”.

Marleyisme · 15/12/2019 16:14

the PP said "I don't see how he can help out". First of all, the language "help out" when it's about his own personal things. The assumption that it's the OPs job to take care of him.

No the person you quoted said in the week. They didnt say ever.

I cant be arses arguing over word like 'help out' if its ops responsibility, him doi g it would be helping out. No one would object to OP saying she was going to work evenings to help out with finances.

I have been a sahm and a single parent. I know how hard it is.

Since she has 10 hours a week, child and job free, yes I think the majority should be her responsibility.

AlexaShutUp · 15/12/2019 16:14

SAHP with one healthy child who is at nursery two days a week? Yep, I'd expect you to do everything during the week. At weekends, you should both share the childcare.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/12/2019 16:16

the PP said "I don't see how he can help out". First of all, the language "help out" when it's about his own personal things

It was a turn of phrase,shoot me 🙄

LolaSmiles · 15/12/2019 16:18

Iwishiwasinvisible
Ok so change the wording from"help out" (I agree normally on helping out as a phrase but in this thread it's fairly obvious what PO meant).

The OP and her DH have chosen to structure their family set up in a way that one person works long hours and the other stays at home.

Like other posters, I don't think it's reasonable to expect the partner working long hours to do a double shift by coming home and being expected to do house stuff during the week when the stay at home partner doesn't work and there's some days when the child is in nursery, giving the stay at home parent a huge amount of time.