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Original poster

Should a SAHM be responsible for all household and life admin tasks or just childcare?

211 replies

marriedsinglemummy · 15/12/2019 14:13

Just that really. Interested in opinions on whether a SAHMs job is just childcare or if the expectation is for them to take on all household tasks and life admin responsibilities as well as all childcare duties?

OP posts:
Iwishiwasinvisible · 15/12/2019 16:28

Nah, I disagree, @lolasmiles. Taking time off for a baby means a big career hit. So, she might need that time to retrain or plan for a business or trade with the stock market or whatever. Sure, some people decide that the best use of that time is to do housework and support the DH. Great. But it shouldn't be assumed that mothers should do that, that's all I'm saying.

Marleyisme · 15/12/2019 16:35

Taking time off for a baby means a big career hit. So, she might need that time to retrain or plan for a business or trade with the stock market or whatever. Sure, some people decide that the best use of that time is to do housework and support the DH. Great. But it shouldn't be assumed that mothers should do that, that's all I'm saying.

OP hasnr even said she wanted to do that. And being a sahm is a choice.

If she decided to study or worked those 2 days, it would be different. But right now, she isnt choosing to work or study. So it's not relevant to the converstation about how much he or she should be doing around the house.

AlexaShutUp · 15/12/2019 16:37

Taking time off for a baby means a big career hit. So, she might need that time to retrain or plan for a business or trade with the stock market or whatever. Sure, some people decide that the best use of that time is to do housework and support the DH. Great. But it shouldn't be assumed that mothers should do that, that's all I'm saying.

I agree with this, but equally don't think a SAHP should ever assume that their partner will fund them to do whatever they fancy either. Personally, I would never have agreed to my DH becoming a SAHP unless he had agreed to take on the vast majority of housework/admin etc, because it wouldn't have been a fair split if he had only been responsible for dc.

All this stuff should really be negotiated in advance, but often it isn't because people make different assumptions about what's reasonable.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Childcare & nursery Families
LolaSmiles · 15/12/2019 16:50

If she wants to do that then that's a discussion to have, however it's totally reasonable for the person at home with no children for 2 days a week to do the bulk of things.
It's not about expecting a mother to do everything. It's saying A works long hours and B is at home and doesnt have children at home for two of them, so A does the bulk of home things.

MinnieMountain · 15/12/2019 17:04

With one DC, there should be time for your DH to have proper downtime at the weekend and take responsibility for your DS for a bit so he's actually parenting.

You should be able to do everything else you have listed.

Jobs that have to be done at the weekend, such as cooking and washing up, should be shared.

I sympathise. It's boring being a SAHP and 2 seems to be a particularly difficult age. Which is why I went back to work when DS was 3. I now work 19.5 hours a week, so on my half day I have lunch then collect DS from school. I do everything that can be done during the week.

Sleepyblueocean · 15/12/2019 17:15

It depends upon the needs of the child. It is not just about them needing interaction. Some need constant watching.

coconuttelegraph · 15/12/2019 17:41

Is life admin simply a made up phrase to describe tiny tasks which, with the exception of going to the PO and IKEA, are things I would do while waiting for the kettle to boil or something to heat up in the microwave.

I'm a working single parent now so everything is my job and I still think I have plenty of free time, even when my DC were younger and my OH worked long hours I still didn't feel overstretched.

Mrscog · 15/12/2019 17:46

Depends on age of child - once school age yes.

DeadButDelicious · 15/12/2019 17:57

I do all childcare and household/life admin stuff when DH is at work. He works long hours and nights so it's just easier for me to do it as I'm more likely to be available day to day. He does his share when he's off and if I ask him to help me out with a job or task he does. Can't say fairer than that really.

DNAwrangler · 15/12/2019 18:03

Life admin can be huge. All the small tasks that add up. Bills, presents, clubs, play dates, school projects/homework/dress ups, dentist, orthodontist, etc etc.

Everyone saying that they're not worth a mention is actually part of the issue - women's work: super easy, not even worth mentioning. But don't you dare ask a busy man to do it, because suddenly it's not so easy anymore...

RhymingRabbit3 · 15/12/2019 18:03

I'm a SAHM (well I work about 6 hours a week so close enough) and I do pretty much everything around house and to do with the kids during the week. I also do "life admin" like booking appointments, buying birthday presents, sorting insurance and bills etc. DH does any DIY or garden/garage jobs and anything specifically for him e.g. booking a dentist appointment for himself- I do mine and the kids.

ChristmasCroissant · 15/12/2019 18:11

I am currently a SAHM, the stuff I find frustrating is having to remember all the little things. Like today I bought a card for DD to send, reminded her to write it out (both fine) what was frustrating was asking her if she had the card when she was in the car and having to turn round because she'd forgotten it!

There may be a backstory here (you say you feel unappreciated, OP) because that list does seem a bit petty tbh. Any type of list makes me think that the list-keeper has started point-scoring which is never a good sign. What is it that you actually want - more time to yourself, more recognition of your contribution - focus on what you want to get rather than keeping a list.

MHsupport · 15/12/2019 18:14

To people asking what life admin is... if you aren’t a very “involved in the community” type person or lead quite a simple life, or only have one or two children of preschool age, then you may not have much, but I include things like:

Christmas/birthday shopping
Booking holidays/days out/ social calendar
Meal planning
Communications with various clubs/organisations
Stuff re voluntary role
Doctors, dentist, optician, hair appointments
Car service/MOT appointments
Charity donations
Sorting various drawers/rooms for stuff to get rid/sell etc
School admin - parentpay, bring in XYZ for the latest fundraising event, ingredients for food tech etc,
Library books return
Pet related admin
Dealing with tradespeople, eg annual boiler service
Errands like going to PO for deliveries
Various research/quotes for whatever latest thing is needed - whether it be children’s trainers or a widget for the broken oven door
Tax returns and Financial planning stuff - included in this is annual insurance renewals (never accept what your existing provider offers!)

LolaSmiles · 15/12/2019 18:16

"Everyone saying that they're not worth a mention is actually part of the issue - women's work: super easy, not even worth mentioning. But don't you dare ask a busy man to do it, because suddenly it's not so easy anymore...*
Or they are usually basic adult and running a household tasks that adults do and in a relationship they get divvied up any number of ways, with the person at home more doing more. Most people get on with it and it wouldn't cross their mind to add "writing a cheque" on the 'this us how much I do list'

It's not about not asking a busy man. It's about the person at home all day doing more home things than the person out long hours at work.

DH does an equitable amount of house things and what MN calls life admin. I do more during school holidays as I'm at home. Now I'm on maternity leave I've picked some of the tasks up that he used to do, but he has picked up some jobs that used to be mine.

BrieAndChilli · 15/12/2019 18:16

Our take on it when I was a SAHM was that while DH was at work I would do the childcare, some cleaning and cook tea ready for when he got home plus any errands that needed running etc bank or supermarket or finding something at the shops etc.
When DH was around - evenings and weekends then childcare was joint, things like cleaning up kitchen was down by whoever wasn’t bathing the kids, deep cleaning was joint or one would take kids out while the other got on with it.
There were days when DH would come home from work and not do anything, equally there were days he came home to a shit hole because I had been busy with the kids - either out or day or a poorly kid etc but there was normally no judgement!

WhatchaMean · 15/12/2019 18:17

I'm not really sure what 'life admin' is but I don't think it's fair for a sahm to have to do all of the cleaning and cooking. I mean we both work, so we both share that out, and being a sahm is just as hard if not harder than being out at work (particularly with very small kids)

WorraLiberty · 15/12/2019 18:42

MHsupport, so not much then in the grand scheme of things? That's another list where many of the things on it take literally a couple of minutes and are far from daily chores.

Vercingetorixraktavija · 15/12/2019 18:51

I think it really depends, doesn't it? We have established how household tasks works out before kids, so it hasn't changed much after I quit my job and become SAHM. My dh still do the tasks like hanging up washed clothes, deal with the dirty dishes or getting the rubbish ready for collection. I cook most of the nights, but making Sunday roast is normally dh's job, since he loves it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/12/2019 18:57

It sounds like you have 10 hours per week alone whilst your dc is at nursery. So just do as much of the household needs as possible within that time (big shop, big clean, admin bits like the jobs in your first list) then realistically what else is there? Clearing up after yourselves on the other 3 week days you have dc.

As long as when dh is with you all he is doing half the stuff that needs doing, then I think it's fair. He doesn't sound like he is home much so the hours he puts in at work are way more than a standard set up.

converseandjeans · 15/12/2019 19:01

YABU you get 2 days a week to yourself. Lots of those jobs could be done with DS in tow - trip to post office, shopping for gifts you can take him along. Presumably he also naps still for a couple of hours?
When is your DH supposed to find time to do these jobs? Presumably DH pays for those 2 nursery days so you can get some time off?
The jobs you listed are all jobs that I do & I work PT. DH works FT and so would not have time to go and do those things because he's in work.
Why don't you go to work and then you can split things more equally?

Nicknacky · 15/12/2019 19:11

I don’t think writing a cheque would ever make it onto any kinda list in my head. That is trying to justify looking really, really busy!

Teddyreddy · 15/12/2019 19:50

@WorraLiberty pre DC I wouldn't say we had much life admin - with 3 DC it now does take up a good chunk of time when you add it all together. Maybe I'm just slow though, as I find that for example working out what to get a DC for their birthday takes much longer than a few minutes. DC1 started school in September and that seems to have added on a whole extra layer of admin I really wasn't expecting. At the moment I'm on mat leave with DC3 and I'm picking up most of it, but once I'm back at work I suspect we'll find it a struggle to stay on top of it all.

Tablepicture · 15/12/2019 19:58

I was one of the people saying that a SAHP should do the majority of household tasks, but I don't agree that life admin/mental loads stuff is that insignificant. To be honest I find it much more stressful and harder to keep on top of than something like cleaning. Especially when you're trying to do it within a strict budget.

whatsyaname · 15/12/2019 20:09

The thing is when you put your child in a nursery do you expect them to be making phone calls, doing admin or cooking whilst taking care of your DC? No you expect them to handle that off the "shop floor." So actually it is hard to remember just send an email sometimes. --

Remember often us SAHM have full night duty with no help, so you are also doing it sleep deprived. I can even say that having a 3 year old, who's got issues with breathing at night and a tummy bug at the moment. If I didn't do a lot of house stuff then it would have to be paid help, like a cleaner, dog walker, but it's still a juggling act because you are trying to do stuff with the kids, not ignore them.

Some things also can be done at certain times. Like I can't take my Dd in the car after about 2pm
or he falls asleep and then even 10 mins nap, will cause bedtime to be a nightmare. He won't sleep until 8.30 as it is.

DNAwrangler · 15/12/2019 20:17

While I agree in principle LolaSmiles, life admin is in practice the work of a wife. Whether she works or not.

Not many men, SAHD or working, organise the kids xmas presents and the school bake sale cakes.