Should a SAHM be responsible for all household and life admin tasks or just childcare?

[marriedsinglemummy]

Just that really. Interested in opinions on whether a SAHMs job is just childcare or if the expectation is for them to take on all household tasks and life admin responsibilities as well as all childcare duties?

When I was a SAHM I did everything. Motherhood didn't take up all my time at all, even when they were little. I liked being at home, and regarded all those things as "my job" . DH worked long hours and I was happy to do things that way.

I did when I was a SAHM.

They were the best 5 years of my life and a walk in the park compared to working in the city

Completely depends. If you have a 13 yr old and a 15 yr old, you are obviously in a very different place form if you have 2 yr old triplets.

If the WOTH partner works 9 - 5 with a 10min commute, they are in a different position from if they are working 12 hour days with a 90mins commute, or they are working away from home.

All those things taken into consideration though, yes, during the week, if my partner were a SAHP, I wouldn't expect to be then splitting cleaning etc 50:50 over and above my WOTH hours

Monthly meter readings = A few minutes at best?

Birthday card and present buying = Couldn't be more simple/quick online and anyway, how often do you really have to do that?

Making trade appointments = Unless you're in the middle of renovating, how is this even worth a mention?

Viewing schools = Not exactly something that gets done often either.

School events = Fair enough, some schools have lots of these although they're not compulsory.

Taking pets to vets? = Only really worth a mention if the pets have ongoing treatments for illness.

Really we could make every tiny thing sound like a mammoth or long task if we actually tried.

Meanwhile in the real world, most of them aren't worth a mention.

What falls between working hours is the responsibility of the person at home. Outside working hours everything is split equally. And in my experience no one can take care of all childcare, all housework and all life admin between the hours of 9-5 so I would expect the working partner to still do a fair amount of chores.

As others said, it depends on how many and the age of the kids, but often yes, the person who stays home does most of it.

Why op?

Depends on the children, surely. If you have a couple of preschoolers who go nuts every time they hear the vacuum cleaner, you won't get much done. If the kids are at school, you can do more.

I think it's fair to make sure both partners have roughly equal leisure time.

I think it depends on the age of the children. If they are babies/toddlers and not attending any childcare I think it should be the majority but with the working parent still doing quite a large share.

If the DC are at school or nursery for most of the week then I think the SAHP should do pretty much everything.

@WorraLiberty obviously plenty of women now lawns, and many men do washing, but you know what I mean. Do you think I should do everything, childcare, cleaner and gardener ? I do weeding already. Then DH can just relax all weekend ? I mean my DS only goes to preschool for a few hours a week. Ha maybe I should just send him full time , whilst I'm at home to sort it all or better just put on the tv for the 13 hours a day my DH is out the house.

Why would I think that?

I was confused about you thinking giving the lawn a mow was a 'man's job'.

But as I said upthread, I do think the vast majority of housework/childcare should be done by the SAHP. No idea why you think a child would need to be sat in front of a TV for 13 hours a day.

People did manage before TVs and that was when housework was a hell of a lot harder than it is today.

Really interesting responses- thanks.

For those commenting on life admin- it literally means anything you need to organise/remember/sort/buy/replace/change etc. So my list for last week for example was:

• post office
• write Xmas cards
• take back items to IKEA
• write Christmas cheque and card for nephew
• sort car parking for trip to see in laws
• phone nursery
• meter reading
• send payment info for holiday accommodation
• buy in law Christmas presents
• buy BiL Xmas presents
• send email re faulty blinds
• change lightbulb in front garden
• bleed radiator in DS bedroom
• buy nursery key worker xmas gifts
• online food shop

For context- DH works very long hours (leaves at 6.30am and back at 9.30/10pm on average) sometimes works weekends if necessary. We have 1 DS (age 2) who goes to nursery 8.30-3 2 days a week and I am a SAHM. I think I am getting frustrated as apart from taking the bins out and organising our finances, DH doesn't do anything and I feel under appreciated. Obviously I am very grateful that he works hard for our family and I get to be at home with our child, but it's as if it's an expectation that I am responsible for everything. At weekends, he plays with DS but takes no real responsibility for him unless I specifically ask. I think DH feels the weekends are for him to have a bit of downtime, but I feel as he doesn't really see DS during the week it's important for him to spend time with him at least!

Maybe I'm being unreasonable and just need to get on with it!

You do what is fair for your family.
In mine, I did it all because I only worked part time and dh worked very long hours.
I tried to aim for us all to have a decent weekend which meant dh and I both did stuff and both had leisure time individually and as a family.
Doesn’t always work out like that but often it does.

Depends on the ages of the children and what else is going on. I do less now I’m up all night feeding.

My "admin" this week has been horrendous! We're currently wrangling through an ATOL claim for the thomas cook collapse and have been asked for random pieces of information dating back well over a year three times now. Driving me NUTS and taking me hours.

But that's the exception rather than the rule. Things like insurance are obviously annual. I deal with the stuff which comes home from school which needs attention, and do the running around to collect dry cleaning, supermarket shopping, picking up parcels from click or collect. Because I have flexibility around my day and DH doesn't.

And in my experience no one can take care of all childcare, all housework and all life admin between the hours of 9-5

In my experience it's perfectly possible depending on the age. Needs and number of kids.

yes

that is "your job" as a SAHM monday-fri

weekends should be more split, mabey a lie in/dad takes the kids to the park etc

i do it all, and work!

Those are tiny jobs.
The real issue is your Dh's lack of effort in spending time with your child at weekends.

Oh dear OP that list really does make you look as though you're trying to make yourself look ultra busy.

I'm not saying they don't take up time of course but come on, you forgot to add 'blinking, breathing and wiping yourself after you've used the toilet'.

@FaFoutis it's not about the actual jobs in themselves as agree individually they are all tiny. But should all of them be the responsibility of the SAHP?

That's a kind of odd list op of things folk do without even thinking. They take mins many of them, if not seconds. I mean write a Xmas card, seriously?

“man jobs” like mowing?? We don’t have man jobs or woman jobs. It’s just stuff that needs to be done.
I work fewer hours than he does and so I do more house stuff, like washing, cleaning, paying bills, wouldn’t really be fair otherwise - I’d be sat around and then expecting him to do loads as well as work and commute. However the DCs are at secondary and require very little input now (they still get more than they’d like!).
When you’ve got tiny children you do what you can, and share after work. But what works for some won’t work for others.
My meter readings for take less than 2 minutes- open door and take a photo, job done but if your meters are in a cellar then it’s a bit more of a chore I guess.

If you want him to take responsibility you need to go out and leave him to it. Preferably go away for the weekend.

How long are people actually taking to do a meter reading! Last time I had to submit a meter reading I did it on my phone in a quicker time than it took the kettle to boil. It literally takes 2 minutes a month.

Changing a lightbulb and writing a cheque surely also doesn't take that long. Putting all these things under the heading of household admin just seems to make much more of all these things than needed.

DP is a SAHD.
All 3 kids in primary school.
I'm out of the house from 7 until 7 most of the time, 4 days a week.
I expect the house to be clean and tidy, the kids to be fed and for them to have done their reading books when I get home.
I then do the bedtime routine, I sort and pay all bills, make any appointments the kids or I need (and tell DP when it is and where to be)
We do meal planning and shopping together.

@WorraLiberty I'm genuinely trying to see if I'm being unreasonable not trying to make myself look busy!

For those who think just childcare, how long does that situation continue? What about when children are at school?

I find it hard to imagine anyone who is at home anyway, would ignore the washing or ironing that needs doing, or wouldn't wash up the breakfast things? And yes, as others have said, how long does it take to do 'life admin'?
I don't honestly see how taking care of a couple of pre-schoolers can really occupy a whole day. Maybe if your child(ren) have SN, or you have a huge number of children, but not for the average family.