Should a SAHM be responsible for all household and life admin tasks or just childcare?

[marriedsinglemummy]

Just that really. Interested in opinions on whether a SAHMs job is just childcare or if the expectation is for them to take on all household tasks and life admin responsibilities as well as all childcare duties?

Op, in my opinion, it is completely and utterly unreasonable for your DHto.optout of everything in your family life. Others here seem to disagree but I certainly do not

No one has said he can opt out of everything. But given that OP has 2 days where she has 5 hours, children and only has one child, she should be picking up most kid week jobs and he should get some down time, the same as she does.

But interesting that you think people are saying he can opt of everything, when they havent. But also fo you considee OP to have just opted out of financially supporting herself and her child.

On MN its often described as men opting out of this or tha. But no one says sahm have opted out.

For context- DH works very long hours (leaves at 6.30am and back at 9.30/10pm on average) sometimes works weekends if necessary

If my DH was working those hours and I was a SAHP then I would definitely expect to do all the housework and life admin. I can’t believe anyone would think otherwise!

As others have mentioned, I think the key thing to focus on here is whether you get equal leisure time. This forum seems to fetishize work outside of the home and will often side with the WOHP irrespective of the actual divide of labour involved with supporting and reasoning a family.

There is also a tendency to underestimate childcare both in terms of how difficult and time consuming it can be. Time spent engaging and playing with children is almost seen as unproductive time on MN where the assumption is that you can often "just leave them to play" whilst you crack on with chores. This is not the case for our family due to the ages and personalities of our children and our views about what kind of childhood we want for our kids and the main purpose of having a SAHP. Family days out, play dates, stimulating activities and teaching them colours, numbers, to read etc all take a lot of time but in our view are important things we would rather focus on than getting domestic chores done in the daytime. For us it's much much easier doing these chores in the evening or weekend when the kids are either asleep or there are two parents around.

My husband completely endorses this approach and know that I am a productive and efficient person that isn't taking the piss.

There isn't a right or wrong way to be a SAHP although this forum would have you believe otherwise. If you collectively agree that you want or need to focus more on the children then that's fine, likewise domestic chores. The important thing is that you're both on the same page and share the same expectations of the role.

I’m interested too! Dh works and somehow I ended up being the sahm. I do everything. He says he makes the money so he shouldn’t have to do anything else. Is this fair? I didn’t sign up to be a housewife but can’t seem to find a career. I have a part time job and am a trying to set up a small ( hopefully big!) business. I get a bit fed up at weekends when he is watching tv and think he could take kids out. He doesnt make his bed and will sleep on a naked mattress. Should I be making his bed every day?

@tired206
If my DH was working those hours and I was a SAHP then I would definitely expect to do all the housework and life admin. I can’t believe anyone would think otherwise!
It would depend if the DH has to work these hours or was choosing to do this, how hard he was working whilst at work and if he had a long commute involved.

I guess this is a flaw in the "equal leisure time" model. If one parent is working 75+ hours out of the home with apparently no leisure time whatsoever then it traps the other parent into doing the same even though they may not want to do this and find it unsustainable (as lots of people would).

I guess this is a flaw in the "equal leisure time" model. If one parent is working 75+ hours out of the home with apparently no leisure time whatsoever then it traps the other parent into doing the same even though they may not want to do this and find it unsustainable (as lots of people would).

But the OP does have time to herself. Twice a week every week. So she isnt in the same situation as someone working fulltime at all or working all day 5 days a week and some weekends.

Everyone needs down time.

I think it also depends on whether you’re planning on being a SAHM forever. I did it for 7 years and found that on my return to work all the life admin remained mine because I’d done it for so long.

I also don’t think it’s the actual time that it takes to do the tasks but it is the headspace that it takes up remembering them. The endless “who needs what on what day for school” type things

@Marleyisme
But the OP does have time to herself. Twice a week every week. So she isnt in the same situation as someone working fulltime at all or working all day 5 days a week and some weekends
My understanding was that she was running errands and doing chores whilst the child was at nursery. I wouldn't call this down time.

Goodness me, I know being a grown up sucks sometimes, but seriously, calling the normal stuff we all have to do 'life admin' and then bleating about it makes you sound silly. Like you want to be a petted princess or remain a child, rather than just do the adult stuff. Arranging insurance! Yes, it is a bore, but it is called being a grown up. It is painful to read women infantalising themselves and finding being an adult too hard.

I don't think it's a one size fits all situation. I was a sahm when mine were small and I did do pretty much everything as DH worked long hours/worked away. If he was there in the evening he would bath the kids, wash up after meals but that was about it. At weekends he would take them out to the park etc while I had a break. All the other housework etc fell to me.

My understanding was that she was running errands and doing chores whilst the child was at nursery. I wouldn't call this down time.

One of the days she could do all extra jobs and one day to herself. Or organise it anyway she wants

Surely she actually does some jobs on the day she has the child as well?

A house doesnt take 10 hours a week to run. And thata presuming that she does nothing on any of the other 5 days of the week related to the house.

Sorry OP but looking at that list of 'life admin' tasks, you could crack the majority of those (not Xmas cards/ikea but the rest) in about an hour? Given that you are at home child free for around 13 hours a week, I would absolutely expect you to pick up all those things and fill the rest of your time too!

TheNavigator,

Well said.

‘Life admin’ is equivalent to the annoying little chores one does at work everyday in the first 30-60 minutes before the day starts for real. ‘Mental Load’ is the equivalent of remembering what to do at work and not forgetting to do it.

Things are different with preschoolers (assuming more than one) as it really is quite full on and the SAHP needs respite as much as the working one. Once school/full time nursery starts, however, the SAHP really should get the admin/housework done in the week to allow nice relaxed family weekends.

I do think link, however, looking after children should not be lumped in with the housework/admin as parents need to try to get into a head space where this is a pleasure, not a bore. This can be really hard, sometimes, but opting out of weekend childcare just because you work hard is doing both yourself and your children a disservice.

It is true, as some point out, that any arrangement is ok if both parties in a relationship are happy, but I would hazard a guess that, over time, if the workload (overall) is really unevenly spread, resentment will build up.

The idea that emancipation equals the right to do very little work of any nature is the opposite of why it was fought for.

I’m almost a SAHM (work 1 day a week). DD is 2.5 and goes to preschool 2 mornings a week (one of which I usually work).

I tend to to all of those ‘life admin’ bits. A lot of it can be done with DD around (shopping, posting stuff etc) and any phone calls or emails I usually save until she is at preschool.

Cooking etc I just do with her, she likes to ‘help’.

I try and get everything done in the week so that we can all enjoy the weekend together without shopping / tidying etc. It just makes sense as I am at home a lot more.

I agree with the everything that needs doing during working hours is SAHP responsibility
But you do clock off when the other parent gets home. I don’t believe in ‘I’ve been at work all day so I need an hour of peace to unwind’ - you’ve both been at work all day and are both entitled to time to unwind.

I did know a SAHP though who would put off things like food shopping, Errands and doctors apts until the evenings purposely so their DP would have to help- so their DP started ‘bringing work home’ which prevented them helping and took the attitude ‘if you’re not gonna do your job in the daytime neither am I’ 👍🏻😂

What is life admin? I'm assuming it's a real thing but surely it doesn't mean paying Bill's?

I just find doing most of organizing life in general my strength, so I do it. I don't think it will change if I worked or not. On the other hand, my dh is good at keeping everything tidy which is my weakness.
Most of your list of things to do takes only a few minutes. I will do it if I can, and if I can't I just ask my dh who works full and long hours. He won't mind. Why are these such a big deal? Sounds like there are underlying problems.

I don’t understand why people are so annoyed about the concept of life admin. “It’s called being a grown-up!” All right then call it Being A Grown-Up Tasks if you want, it’s still a lot of little things that need doing that pile up.

We both work so we split that stuff between us but I’d love it if I had a SAHP partner who did all the present-buying and nursery-phoning and sorting out repairs and booking things for me.

Yes, the majority of house based jobs can easily be done by the person in the house the most. It's not rocket science.

Some of the responses on here are just bizzare.

If a man was at home, not working, looking after one kid, with the kid in nursery two days a week, people would be shouting cock lodger if he produced that list and complained and wanted his working wife to do it.

This isn't gender related. We all know what life admin is, we all have it, most of us who are parents know what it's like to be home, as we all had maternity leave.

And saying she spends to two days running chores, seriously because she can't write a check or a Xmas card or shop on line for a gift when she's looking after her kid?

Nicknacky my first task would be 'find chequebook' so it could take days :)

Impressed by anyone who gets the online food shopping done in 5 minutes. That’s my job in our house and it takes me much longer, especially when you’re combining it with planning our meals for the week and checking the cupboards to see what you’ve run out of.

Some of the responses on here are just bizzare.
If a man was at home, not working, looking after one kid, with the kid in nursery two days a week, people would be shouting cock lodger if he produced that list and complained and wanted his working wife to do it.
This
It's about one person being at home and having two days where the child is at nursery and the other reason working long hours out the home, not the genitals of the people in each situation.

Then again, given some people seem to think that "SAHP should do the bulk of household things during the day and then any evening and weekend jobs should be shared, with both parents getting leisure time" means "some of you think a man should be allowed to opt out of family life because he's a busy man" it was always going to get bizarre responses.

Well yes, the partner who’s at home without children for 2 days/week or whatever should be doing the bulk of admin work. But it is still work. It can’t be “what are you moaning about with this ‘life admin’ stuff, it only takes 5 minutes, it’s just part of being a grown-up and most people don’t even think about it” when she’s doing it but “you can’t expect him to do all that when he’s working!” if he’s doing it.

53rd way,

It is work but probably 3-4 hours per week without cleaning and, maybe, 9-10 hours per week for an impeccably clean house.

Paying bills and shopping, however, is pretty stress free compared to the hustle and bustle of a busy workplace.

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