Fucking had enough. Genuinely. Need a handhold.

[fuckinghadenoughnow]

I have NC because I don't want this linking to my profile.

I have had enough.

Life is miserable. Reasons are my shitty, disrespectful 5 year old who is getting worse right now.

My husband who is fed up in his job and wont/can't do anything about it.

My parents who are on the brink of having no food or money.

I genuinely don't know if I can take anymore. I feel like I am carrying everything right now.

My son is a strong boy, and stupidly, I back down. it'#s my own fault I know but I can't cope with him being upset. Last night he had asked could we put the decorations up. We did. And let him stay up a little later. He became a little shit when after 30 mins extra time he was told it was bedtime. Kicking off. Crying. Screaming. Saying we had spoiled his day. I did my best to stay calm and not lose my shit. eventually, after an HOUR he calmed and was in bed. My husband says to leave him to cry but for my own reasons (anxiety) I can't cope with it.

This morning we needed milk as the milk we had in had turned sour. He kicked off majorly because it meant he would have to pause his tablet for 5 mins whilst we went out. And yknow what... i almost contemplated thinking fuck it and leaving him home alone and going for milk.

We get to school and he plays football with a school owned football. It rolls across the playground and another child grabs it. This child did nothing wrong at all. He and my son have always had a fractious relationship. My son shouts at this kid saying he was playing with it. the other child gets upset and is hystercial beacuse my son shouted at him. I took the ball off my son and told him he needed to apologise. he refused point blank until he got into school. Then came out saying the other child ignored him.

My husband is down and pissed off with his job and the situation with our son but equally doesn't do anything about his work situastion and says to me he has no idea what to do about our son. I think he's as downtrodden as I am.

I genuinely feel like walking away from evrything. I can't do this much more. I feel sick every morning. And every evening when I am going home as to whether my son/husband has been good/had a good day.

I cannot do this anymore.

Son is due to his after school club tonight 5-6. I may decide against him going.

Hi I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread. My daughter was awful at 5, really awful. I used to tense up like you at the thought of picking her up from school, dinner time, bedtime, mornings. Everything was a battle all of the time.

I'm not sure if she's grown out of it or if I handle her behaviour better but it was tough for a while! I know that she behaves a lot better when she gets lots of positive attention rather than criticism all the time. Very hard I know but praise all the tiny things he does right and tell him how happy it makes you feel when he listens and does as he's told. My daughter is a million times better than she was a year ago, keep doing what you're doing. He's pushing the boundaries so keep them solid and you'll be out the other side before you know it x

"My final tip OP is one I am not best proud of but works for me - you know the phrase ''Dance like no-one is watching''? Well, with me it's the opposite: ''Parent like someone is watching'' - Performance parent to yourself and for yourself, pretend Supernanny is judging the fuck out of you, "

THIS got me through 3 small children under 6, with PND. Gentle voice when I felt like screaming, a stroke on the head when I felt like hitting them.

I imagined there was a camera in the corner of the room and that Supernanny/social worker/psycologist was on the other side.

You've written on here asking for help and so you've taken some control. And like Simkin, I think you've done loads already!
Parents- agree with others, they aren't your responsibility unless really suffering.
Husband- he should sit tight till the new year then polish off his cv and look for something new, get on LinkedIn, indeed, guardian jobs, charity job.co.uk is also very good. I don't know what he does sorry.
Son- parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done and I've done quite a lot! What I would say and sorry if I'm repeating anyone, but I would go with the positives. I know it might be counterintuitive at times but kids LOVE praise. So tablet is a reward, playing with you is a reward. Granted, you might need to praise something quite basic but it'll get you started, he will quickly cotton on and voila! Plus they must get rewards at school so you can reward him for those. My son has class dojo and they have a home version too. And of course, you could do Gruffalo's pokey if he is still not getting in right.
You- modern life is stressful. I totally agree with others, think of some simple rewards for yourself, do some exercise maybe etc,go to the dr if you think that might help.

I've never posted asking for help, not that I wouldn't like to!, but the blatant negativity of some people alarms me and I wonder whether they are so brave in person? Hmmm.

Oh OP, sometimes being a parent as well as a wife and a daughter can be so overwhelming. Please take care of yourself and give yourself some slack. You will get back on track soon I am sure.

OP your sons behaviour is difficult because you and your partner allow it. Unless I have totally missed something and he has ASD or something similar the onus is on you and his dad to put firm boundaries and routines in place.

Young kids need boundaries, strict routines etc. It helps them feel safe and comfortable. Here are some things I have learned that have worked well.

1. Set bed time routine at a set time in whatever way works for you be in dinner, tv (I would avoid tablets etc), cuddles, bath, story and lights out.
2. Stick to this routine as much as is possible especially on a school or nursery night.
3. Don’t under estimate how much sleep deprivation or distributed sleep can affect a young child. It can do damage to there neurological system and impacts massively on learning and behaviour.
4. Set meal and snack times hunger is a key trigger for poor behaviour in kids. They get hangry just like many adults.
5. Give them warning of what’s happening that day or when an activity is coming to an end even if I am setting my clock timer as in 5 minutes it’s time to tidy up, leave, go for a bath etc.
6. Limit technology time massively. My nearly 8 year old gets max 30 minutes on a school day (not ever day maybe twice a week) and max 1 hour at the weekends or holidays. Set a timer and stick with it. Technology can over stimulated a young child which increase bad behaviour.
7. Use positive language and praise good behaviour even the smallest it things such as putting 1 toy back.
8. I personally use time out for negative behaviour though some people disagree with that.
9. Play with them, set time aside to bake, play, read together etc daily if you can.

10. Fresh air daily put them out in the garden, walk to school, jump in the puddles, wrap up warm and go for a walk. 11. No means no do not back down when you say it stand by it. 12. Don’t constantly spoil them with new toys etc. Encourage them to earn it via good behaviour etc or they will expect it regardless of how they behave. 13. Find out if the school have these Issues with him or is it just at home. If the school do too work with them to formulate a plan as it maybe something underlying. 14. This may not be possible depending on your situation but if other people have them and don’t stick to your routines pull him right back. It’s confusing for a young child to have different rules in different houses and they often get home and act out if they do. I often see this for example when a gran parent has the child lots and doesn’t follow the same routines. You may feel your getting a break but your paying for it much worse via poor behaviour at as is he. When I say pull him back I don’t mean stop contact just stop them having him on his own until you have fully established routines, boundaries and made them aware. If they don’t follow them put a stop on them caring for him as it’s detrimental to you all.

If you do all of these things and are still struggling I would start looking
at other underlying reasons.

I don’t have much advice with the other areas except tell your parents if they plan to waste money then you don’t want to hear them moan when they are skint.

I really feel for you OP. My 5yo can be incredibly testing and it really can grind you down! (and yes, during his worst moments my DH and I do call him a little shit - behind his back, of course!)

As others have said, set to one side the other issues that are being put on you by DH and parents, and just focus on getting yourself some headspace and finding a way to tackle his behaviour that works for you. Write down what you want to achieve and the little steps you can take to achieve each bigger goal. Speak to your local children's centre - we had some amazing support from them over the last 4-5 months to help give him some coping strategies but mostly to help us understand what is behind his behaviour - and go to the GP for some support for yourself, quickly.

I personally find myself slipping into a habit of always expecting more/better behaviour from him, but the fact is he is just 5 and we have to cut him some slack. I found these things helped us:

• we created a calm down box so if he is getting worked up, he can go on 'time out' but have something to interact with for 15 mins or so
• DH and I decided on the 5 rules that matter most to us (e.g. we use kind words and voices, kind hands, eating nicely etc), we all sat together and spoke about them and made a poster with the rules on to stick on the fridge
• at the same time, we told him what the consequences were of not following the house rules - a couple of simple steps that are easy to follow through but importantly are easy for him to come back from with a clean slate
• let go of any bad behaviour before bed or after imposing a consequence - if you're holding onto things, your DS will always be on the back foot, and if he's not given the opportunity to have a good day the chances are he'll then spiral (IME) and get progressively worse
• remember that we all have bad days when we cannot control our moods; we allow each other to have those days but our DC often can't articulate it, so sometimes we just gently tell DS 'you're having a bad day today, let's go to bed and have a better day tomorrow'
• try and get even just 5 minutes a day for some solo mindfulness, be it a game or app, a chapter of a book, meditation

I really hope you find a way through this, OP.

P.s I forgot to add go out with your hubby and relax, take time for yourself even if it’s just a bath and finally remember Christmas is very stressful for everyone and actually a lot of kids act up as it’s overwhelming so your not alone.

Age 5 is hard. I remember.

Ignore tantrums was the best advice I was given.

That, and reflect back their frustration, but then don’t give in... eg „ you are so frustrated and angry that u must turn off ur tablet, that’s terrible. I can see you are angry. At the same time we need to get milk or we can’t have anything to eat.... „ sometimes they want to know that you hear them. Not the same as just giving in.

Try it?

Good luck.

Have you considered you might be suffering from post-natal anxiety/depression that requires counselling and/or treatment, possibly anti-depressants? The only reason I say this is because I've felt like you in the past, with my first son, and I only realised years later that I suffered from post-natal anxiety and depression. I didn't see it at the time, but I felt irritated, exhausted, sad, fed-up, hopeless. I struggled to get through the day. Mornings were particularly hard. Just didn't want to get out of bed and face the day.

And if you are suffering from this, it's absolutely no good people telling you to get a grip, pull yourself together, deal with it etc etc. These types of comments come from people who are lucky enough to never have experienced the debilitating mental illness that is post-natal anxiety/depression. I recognised elements of this in your thread. Please, if this is how you're feeling, make an appointment to see your GP and be truthful about what you're experiencing. You may need some help x

Five can be a horrible difficult age , it was with one of my sons though not the other. The five year old is now a lovely empathetic 10 year old - he has retained his passion , but on the whole is much more measured and manageable. My son was very insecure , struggling at school . Looking back what turned him round was finding a sport he was good at . I felt like you do sometimes , but I just kept going even though I thought it was always going to be hard . Talk to people , school , family and friends .Talk to him , keep correcting him and try and find something that he’s passionate about . If you keep plugging away it will get better as he matures

You are the best parent your son will ever have. You provide for him emotionally and financially and for the most part it's hard work.
He's just pushing boundaries. Keep being fantastic and ignore the mean people

this is not how it should be
OP please don't take my views as heartless, because I can hear you're having a shitty time in life, but your small comment above says it all to me. You are angry and disappointed because reality has fallen short of your ideals. You've got to get over it, you really have and forget the expectations and ideals....just for a while at least. Things will pick up eventually they really will.....keep faith! Kids grow out of being brats, husbands ditch dead end jobs, parents find a surprise windfall.....things do get better. This year In 2019, we've had a sudden brain tumour death, a cancer diagnosis, a suicidal self harming teen, a degenerative eye sight diagnosis (age 49), menopause, job worries, errmmm....running low now, but it's been a shitty year! Things do pick up, things sometimes have to get worse before they get better though. Go to the GP and see if you can access any talking therapy for depression.....that might help! Have faith, step back and try not to regard it all as being on your shoulders. And drop the ideals.

Well done @fuckinghadenoughnow, time out from work was a big step.
Will give you some thinking space today.
Let your son go to after school club if he enjoys it, gives you more time to get rested.
Will it give you any time to chat to your dh alone?
Lots of good suggestions here to go forward with but not for today straightaway.
Rest, cook tea, play with your son, make a firm bedtime, and chat to dh about you as a family too, organise yourselves and what you want to look like as parents/family life .
Good luck , small steps are often the biggest and best you will make .

Overtiredness can cause awful behaviour in otherwise nice kids, (also, oddly in my experience so can dehydration).

Regards to the former make life easier and park any extra curricular activities or clubs etc after school or on weekends just to make a bit more down time. Kids get shattered too and school is very stimulating for them.

I also controversially don't mind a bit of screentime. I used to stare at the TV after school and it chilled me out. I think switching off or getting absorbed in a game is actually not all that bad of a way to wind down.

Good luck though OP, it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate so hope things improve soon.

ScreamingLadySutch

That's funny, I use that method aswell. On the really hard days I pretend there's a camera in the room watching us, that keeps me from losing my shit

Sorry.. so many good responses.

I believe i had PND. They just assumed it was my depression returning and also i was daignosed with an underactive thyroid.

His afterschool club means dh/I have to take him so either way we dont get chance to talk. I was thinking more about him doing too much.

He has indoor PE and his afterschool club on a Tues then weds he has outdoor PE and then football after school. 2 heavy days. Although that doesnt explain his behaviour this AM.

We currently have an elf countdown which has happy or sad stickers. I really want to put a sad one for today to show him its not good enough. But then i think hes been at school all day and that was this morning.. should i let it go?

Im thinking of maybe getting a cheap clock and like people draw on for what time is sleeping time etc, use it as a "activity" clock. So playtime. Breakfast/supper. Homework. Teatime etc

I'm so glad you've gone to the doctor.

One book that really helped me was one called "what great parents do: 75 simple strategies for raising fantastic kids".

Reading that book and employing its advice got me a huge hug after school the same week, and a little boy telling me that "I was always there for him".

OP, your situation sounds tough but you are doing the right things. I admire your strength.

This too shall pass - your family are so lucky to have you as a mother, wife, daughter...

Be kind to yourself - things will get better

That's a good idea OP. My 12 year old's being assessed for ASD (or more likely ADHD but you have to go via the ASD process first here) and I know that rigid routine of alarms on his phone is a good way to get him up, washed, dressed and out the door on time.

With the afterschool activities I suppose its a balance for whether it's a good thing that he enjoys and that you think is a positive thing for everyone or if it's an annoying expensive chore that just makes everyone grumpy! I sacked off one sporting activity because it occurred to me that no one was enjoying themselves, least of all me, driving two mardy kids to the other end of town twice a week and paying for the privilege! Once we ditched it the atmosphere in the house was much better on those days... We got the evening back too.

Your soft and hard approach is messing up your ds.
You need to decide who you are going to parent and stick to it.
Your thread confuses me so I'm not sure how a 5 year old can deal with it.
Your ds is 5 not an adult but also old enough to know how to behave and how to respect other.
Also with you dp, you need to tell him to grow up and change jobs or stop moaning as you don't have time for it and he needs to parent too.

It sounds like you have let everything slip the more everyone has piled things and problems on you.
And your exhausted but you need to plan what you want in term of your family and push for it for two weeks. It will be hard but you can do it. You ds doesn't sound terrible but just that he doesn't really care and a little unhappy which he's probably getting from you both.

Take a deep breath and a step back - its hard when you feel like that, i know but everything will be ok.

Your parents are not your concern, they are adults and they are your parents how they choose to spend their money is up to them. LET THAT GO.

I understand the frustration with your son, its hard when you feel like you have no control over your child. at least you can see that he is being naughty and your not in denial about it.

1. Start enforcing the rules - ie no tv/treats he will have a meltdown amd it will be hard! BUT once he understands your serious he will soon start to learn.
2. You sound knackered - look around you, you have a home, your health and working husband. Look at the positives rather then the negatives. Try and go for a walk this evening and clear your mind.
3. Only your husband can make the changes he needs not you. So be firm and say if he needs help looking for jobs your more then happy to help look - btu this is something he needs to do himself.

All the best x

OP - just replying to your most recent post - above. If you do think you had PND, the reality is it may not have gone away. PND and PN anxiety can continue to play havoc with you long after your DC is out of nappies. It is possible you still have it. I suffered with it for literally...…...years. It's a horrible thing to carry around with you, perhaps you should look after yourself and make an appointment with your GP who can advise you.

Lots of really helpful tips here that I won't reiterate, but additionally wanted to ask have you considered what your son's diet is like? Is he eating sugary snacks or processed foods?

If you haven't already (and ignore this if it doesn't apply), I'd try cutting out completely juice, crisps, sweets, fast food, processed meals etc and try to limit things like sugary cereals, white bread and try swapping them for wholegrains, lots of protein, lots of veg and healthy options. You don't have to go OTT with elaborate home cooked meals or anything.

I hope this isn't totally unhelpful, it's just that anecdotally I always seem to notice from most of my friends/acquaintances who have kids around your son's age that the ones who eat sweets, junk and processed food regularly seem to always be the ones who really struggle to regulate their emotions/behaviour. Correlation doesn't always equal causation and all that but there is some evidence that diet and behaviour in kids are linked. It might not apply to you but I thought it was worth throwing out there, since it would be a fairly easy fix if that was a contributing factor.

These are some good links:

www.bbcgoodfood.com/howto/guide/behaviour-children-food-and-additives

Sending hugs.

And also to add I also used to dread school pick up to hear what had happened as he wasn't naughty exactly but wouldn't concentrate and struggled with friendships and got upset a lot, it broke my heart. Honestly he's so much better now he's at secondary with a more rigid routine and he has just grown out of a lot of it all. You won't be "the mum with THAT kid" forever!