Fucking had enough. Genuinely. Need a handhold.

[fuckinghadenoughnow]

I have NC because I don't want this linking to my profile.

I have had enough.

Life is miserable. Reasons are my shitty, disrespectful 5 year old who is getting worse right now.

My husband who is fed up in his job and wont/can't do anything about it.

My parents who are on the brink of having no food or money.

I genuinely don't know if I can take anymore. I feel like I am carrying everything right now.

My son is a strong boy, and stupidly, I back down. it'#s my own fault I know but I can't cope with him being upset. Last night he had asked could we put the decorations up. We did. And let him stay up a little later. He became a little shit when after 30 mins extra time he was told it was bedtime. Kicking off. Crying. Screaming. Saying we had spoiled his day. I did my best to stay calm and not lose my shit. eventually, after an HOUR he calmed and was in bed. My husband says to leave him to cry but for my own reasons (anxiety) I can't cope with it.

This morning we needed milk as the milk we had in had turned sour. He kicked off majorly because it meant he would have to pause his tablet for 5 mins whilst we went out. And yknow what... i almost contemplated thinking fuck it and leaving him home alone and going for milk.

We get to school and he plays football with a school owned football. It rolls across the playground and another child grabs it. This child did nothing wrong at all. He and my son have always had a fractious relationship. My son shouts at this kid saying he was playing with it. the other child gets upset and is hystercial beacuse my son shouted at him. I took the ball off my son and told him he needed to apologise. he refused point blank until he got into school. Then came out saying the other child ignored him.

My husband is down and pissed off with his job and the situation with our son but equally doesn't do anything about his work situastion and says to me he has no idea what to do about our son. I think he's as downtrodden as I am.

I genuinely feel like walking away from evrything. I can't do this much more. I feel sick every morning. And every evening when I am going home as to whether my son/husband has been good/had a good day.

I cannot do this anymore.

You sound absolutely exhausted and at the end of your tether.

Sometimes life just wears us out - you are worried about your parents and husband (and also exasperated with them! Understandable), and your son is being a 5 year-old. But at the moment you just can't cope with it. The chances are that he is picking up on your mood, and your husband's, and it is making him anxious and he is acting out.

Add this to the short days - many, many people feel depressed and unable to cope at this time of the year. You could have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) - the lack of sunlight makes people miserable and they don't even realise what the problem is.

I can't offer any suggestions except to try to be kind to yourself, and try to get a little bit of time to actually pamper yourself. If necessary ask your GP for something to help you cope with the depression.

I have been there myself and know exactly what you mean when you say you are too weary etc to discipline your child. Being a parent is bloody hard work!

Boundaries and consistency for your 5 year old.

You need to absolutely strong when it comes to this and it's tough, but it works. You're showing him that if he shouts and kicks off, you back down and he gets what he wants so it will only get much worse if you continue like this.

Be kind, but be consistent. I used to sound like a broken record with my kids sometimes but it does work. Reasonable, age-appropriate sanctions for poor behaviour and, again, be consistent.

I suspect that if you get this sorted with your son, you'll be able to cope with the rest much more easily.

Tesco do lockable cash boxes for 6 pounds with two keys. I took the drawer out (I use it separately for loose change in the glove box): a kindle fire fits into it perfectly.
So now if my kids play up or are rude then the kindle ''goes in the pokey'' (yes I have tried to get them to watch Matilda and Nanny McPhee rather than youtubers!). They see me lock it away and put a timer on or it stays in overnight. Has worked wonders.

This idea from Gruffalo is inspired!

As is the swimming - a physical activity does wonders for your mental and emotional health. We had dogs, and if I hadn't been able to get out to walk them I don't know what I would have done (not suggesting you get a dog BTW - you have enough to cope with without the added work of a puppy). You need fresh air and time to yourself.

Ohhhh I get it! I feel the same about my 3 and 7 year old boys constantly at the moment. Christmas is supposedly to be lovely and magical but my GOD does it make it hard to parent kids who are hyped up for weeks over it!!

My 7 year old keeps speaking to me in this horrible tone, like an actual demon voice, I've no idea where it's come from, maybe coped from kids at school. This morning I snapped and I grabbed him by the shoulders and told him to NOT speak to me like that again because I don't deserve it. I'm doing everything for the 3 of us, it's exhausting and even though I remind them of their manners daily I do not get any gratitude. 3yr old just does not listen and tests and tests me.

Christmas lights switch on in the village - 3yr old kept trampling on the flowerbeds on purpose and screaming things such as (when I got my camera out) "I don't want to stand in front of the christmas treeeee!!" in the same awful, demonic tone he's picking up from his brother. I marched us all home after 5 minutes, almost in tears and put youngest in a time out, where he screamed and wrecked his room. I then had the tea to cook, serve, wash up, 3yr old wouldn't tidy his room so I had to do it, then 7yr old wouldn't go to bed as usual. I never get a break.

Constant issues with my parents too. I never get any praise or encouragement or anything positive from them either. They make me feel like a failure.

I just want to say..,.. I get it. I think we should get Christmas out of the way and then work on some solid changes for next year. First assess your relationship. With me, getting rid of the toxic ex was the best thing I ever did. It's hard being single but it's 100% better than having a fully grown adult moaning on at you & expecting you to slave after them too.

Best thing in my life right now is wine having a big teddy fleece bed all to myself every night (and wine) sooo good ...

My 6 year old has his moments. I'm consistently reinforcing the concept of consequences. So when he makes a fuss at bedtime any delay to going to bed is paid back by an earlier bedtime the next day. So I say, right that's it, 15 minutes earlier tomorrow, carry on and it'll be half an hour.

Likewise with his tablet. If he puts it down when asked and does what I need then he gets it back straight afterwards. If he makes a fuss then he'll have to wait for it.

Once they know you mean business they're usually pretty good at that age.

Some great parenting advice here. Just wanted to add that I have regularly described five year olds as little shits, just because a person is a child doesn’t mean they’re angels, so don’t let anyone make you feel bad about saying that. I’m sure you also love your son. And the reason you’re so anxious is because you care, it’s horrible being a sensitive person but the fact you’re asking for help is a really good thing. Be consistent with boundaries and things will improve!

OMG I'm on Amazon now ordering a lockable cashbox! @Gruffalo you legend!

The 5 year old sounds pretty normal, and yes their behaviour can be annoying but try to keep calm, speak to him respectfully and set boundaries. Make sure he gets enough sleep. If he wakes early for example tell him he can't leave his room till 7am. Get him a big clock and show him where 7am is on it. This will discourage him from getting up early. And give you time to get yourself up.

Tablet - why's he on a tablet in the morning? Get him a new routine - wake up and get dressed, come down for breakfast, do any chores ( help clear table etc, or get school stuff together) let him go play if he has time but no screens. Trust me on this one - it'll make your life easier.
Don't play with him every morning if you don't have time. He's bored? Let him be bored, he'll find something to do, kids need to be bored to be creative.
Make sure YOU get enough rest, you sound exhausted and while you can't control your parents, your husbands job etc. you can take care of yourself. The HEADSPACE app is very good, 5/10 mins meditation a day - it's free to try. Try to get yourself some exercise on your own - even if it's just a 30 min walk. Get outside in the fresh air. Don't drink too much, it makes you tireder.
Maybe have a break from talking to your parents, is that feasible?

And from your point of view, you sound seriously depressed. This needs attending to - maybe give yourself some treats, things to look forward to? (Even if it's just a funny film, a box of chocs, a trip to the cinema). See what the GP suggests?

Children can be challenging. I remember chasing my DS up the stairs smacking his bum as we went (this was 30 years ago!). You need to keep control though.

Husband needs to look for a new job.

Parents problems are not your responsibility. They are grownups.

OP, have a big hug. Sounds like you need it.

Small steps: try to forget about your parents' money. Nothing you can do about it and they're adults. It's their lookout.

Your dh: tell him how down and depressed he's making you by all his moaning. Give him a five-minute limit to moan each night (set a timer) then tell him that's it, he can't talk to you any more about work as you have your own MH to think of. Try to do something fun in an evening, even if just playing a board game or watching something you both like on tv, so you can switch off and feel more positive.

Try to get out every day for a walk/exercise. Will make a huge difference to your mood.

Your son: sounds like he genuinely is being shitty and disrespectful right now! Have you tried a star chart? 1,2,3 Magic is good too. But I'd start with getting rid of the tablet and his behaviour will improve. My ds can be a demon when he's on there for too long - argumentative, nasty, can't be arsed to do anything. Get him off there and he's a different child.

Anxiety: have you tried Headspace? Are you on ADs/meds?

As for your husband and parents, tell them straight that you don't have the mental energy for them to dump their emotional baggage on you. It's one thing supporting people who are trying to fix their problems, it's a whole other matter when they aren't and just want to emotionally dump on you. Maybe I'm a cow but I just can't be dealing with that.

Ahhh, sorry to hear you’re so low.

Righty, I have 2 boys who have their moments and have found the best thing are rewards, sleep, good food and continuity.

Ds’s each earn 1 poker token (could be a marble or a stone in a jar) a day. I set the criteria each week depending on areas we need to work on, it’s always manners, kindness and following instructions first time. Once they have 20, I give them a set amount of money. They love this, rather than giving out instructions repeatedly I just say poker token. They save for toys they want and are learning the value of saving and waiting.

Can you do dinner, bath and bed at the same every weekday. I think small children thrive on routine.

As a mother your focus needs to be on yourself and your son. Adults can take care of themselves.

Your son sounds like a very ordinary little 5 year old lad, being awkward and sometimes rude the way five year olds are. An hour long tantrum is nothing unusual for an overtired overexcited little boy. It's upsetting but it's not the end of the world. Batten down the hatches and wait for the storm to pass. Stick to your daily routine, if the tablet is a problem then put it way at bedtime and keep it out of sight and don't let him have it again until after school. He'll probably have a couple of tantrums but if you don't give in and he never has it in the mornings then he'll stop demanding after a few days. Parenting groups are really good for this sort of thing, you can talk it through. Your GP or HV might be able point you at one.

I sympathise with you over your parents too. I've been to some very helpful parenting classes/groups on how to manage my DS. I wish I could go to child-ing classes on how to manage my father! But yes, they're adults so we can't stop them doing stupid things, they can waste their own money if they like. Sometimes all you can do is shrug your shoulders and let them get on with it. As they say, not your circus, not your monkeys. Just don't let them start wasting your money!

Try to ignore your husband. Him moaning on at you isn't helping anyone.

Remember to look after yourself too. Hope it all gets better.

@fuckinghadenoughnow, you are basicaly totally burnt out because everyine is relying on you, offloading their stuff onto you but there is no one there to have your back.

I have been there, done that and got he tshirt to prove it.

And thats why my advice is NOT to just buckle up, this is all your faukt and whatnot.
My advice woud be to start looking after yourself. That mesn, tell yur dh that just right now, you cant cope woth him being miserablke and exect you to cheer him etc... he has to take responsibility for his own unhappiness. And then step back.
Tell your parents the same.
And go and see your GP. See of they can offer you some support (counselling, ADs whatever). Take some time out during the week and have half a day or day just for yourself to do whatever you want to do. Sleep if you feel exhausted. Go out and see some friends, go for a walk, go to the gym/swimming, whatever will make you feel good and will give you a break from what happens at home. I'm pretty sure that after that you will feel better and will see things/a way out more clearly.
Mot importantly, keep it up. Every week, make a point of having some time for yourself. Becua if you dnt look after yourelf, there is no way you can ook after others. Think about the advice given in a plane. In case od depressurization, put YOUR ask FIRST and then you can help your child. Not the other way around.

Time for you to put your own oxygen mask on!

You have burnt out, pure and simple. It is okay. Deep breath op, you don't need to walk out or do anything for the moment beyond some serious self care.

Go to your manager and tell her/him that you need to go home you are feeling very ill (and you are are, but no need for details)

Go home, and on the way back buy yourself some flowers (yes you can afford them even if they are from Asda) go and put the flowers in water and in pride of place to remind yourself what a great job you are doing every single day.

Run a bath and close your eyes for half an hour. Turn your phone off. Quieten your thoughts and think only of your breathing. Put something on super cosy and clean and sit down with a list and decide what is causing the biggest anxiety.

If it is anxiety itself (and I think this is definitely sounding like it is) book a doctor's appointment and get some proper medication, you can not be a brilliant parent if your MH is shot to pieces, so tell your GP you are finding life hard to cope with, and you will feel better.

Then make a plan as to how you will deal with your child the next time he screams/shouts/ What areas can you address that can be changed in your daily routine to minimise conflict.

Make a list of five responses now so you will know what to say when your nerves are jangling:

I can see your upset, shall we go and play with some lego?
I know how tiring this time of year can be, would you like a hug?
Scream if you want to, get it all out of your system, I will be just here
I can see you feel super angry, shall we use this pillow and see if it makes you feel better (hand child pillow to take out his rage) and then praise him, look all of that anger has now gone and we can do something to make you feel better.

With your dh you do not need to change his world, he sounds like he is locked in a cycle of depression. Suggest the doctors and go with him.

Parents: Seriously, not your problem op. Give them the debt advice number and let them sort themselves out. You have enough to think about.

Is there anything you can do to change your lives in a more permanent way? Where would you be if you had the choice?

Start working towards a life that is more fulfilling, even if at this stage you are just preparing. Is it the area? The people around you? Try and identify what would make the biggest impact?

Honestly, the only person you need to worry about is your son. Your parents are adults- if they want to blow money they don't have, then that's on them. Similarly, if your husband isn't going to leave his job, then he needs to keep it to himself.

Get your son into a routine and don't back down. You and your husband need to agree on how you're going to discipline him. Do it together. If you can't cope, your husband goes in and you take 5, then you go back at it again.

If you let him away with things because you don't like seeing him cry, then unfortunately you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. Kids need discipline and routine. Their day needs to be structured or they can't cope. Sure, you'll have a battle on your hands for a week while he gets used to suddenly being told no, and it being meant- but in the long run it'll be so much better.

To those saying 'parenting classes etc...' do you really think its going to help the OP to have yet one more thing/responsibility on her shoulders when she is already drowning?
What about her DH? Could he not step up and deal with the tantrum instead? Could he not think about what else can be done, read books, articles, logs, talkk toother parents whatever? Why is it only the OP responsibility to deal with the 5yo??

No one parents well when they are at the end of their tether. No one can parent well and look after her DH and ook after her parents and have then offlaod everything on her WHEN SHE IS ALREADY DEALING WITH OWN ISSUES WITH ANXIETY, and then expects her to be the perfect parent.

@fuckinghadenoughnow, serioulsy your first step is to stop people offloading onto to you and increasing your burden. You have enough to deal with already.

Have a cup of tea and a bath. You're worth it.
Stop blaming your child for anything at all - he's five, he isn't responsible.
Watch a few episodes of Supernanny, get pissed off with her, work out your own scheme for co-existing happily with the small boy dependent on you for everything especially love, and stick to it.
Leave your parents to sort themselves out. They will.
Husband, well, if he's really down, gently asking him to help with specific small things might allow him to succeed at something and feel a bit better.

Sounds very difficult. I found it helpful to work full tikme and pay someone else to collect my children from school and I earned 10x my husband in due course which certainly makes life a lot easier! If you could get to that position then the fact your husband might have job problems might mean that was not so important.

Hi Op

My DS1 was like this at 5 as well and it was so wearing. It did get a little bit better as he got older but mostly as I got better at boundaries. PPs are correct that the lack of boundaries makes them anxious and they act up all the time because they are looking for that line for you to step in. It does get worse when you first impose the boundaries but it pays off in the end.

At age 5 what worked quite well for behaviour management was a token economy system. I sat DS down after an awful day where I'd ended up banning him from screens for a whole week and thinking WTF did I just say etc. We made a set of twelve tokens and I decided each one represented half an hour of screen time. In hindsight this was still too much - but it felt like the right amount at ťhe time. Then I talked with him and we agreed on six family rules that really I'd thought up in advance. I worded them all positively so instead of no hitting, I wrote being respectful of people. Instead of no shouting/name calling I wrote talking kindly. We also had good table manners and staying calm and controlled. Obviously I didn't expect perfect behaviour but I needed him to have some motivation to try and regulate his angry outbursts which he never did. We wrote them all down on a whiteboard. He could also earn extra tickets by doing extra good things like helping out without being asked or achieving something great.

It worked well. If there was a moment in the day that was leading up to him being about to lose a token I said hey, that isn't very kind speaking, and it reminded him that was a goal he was aiming for so sometimes he was able to bring it back. Sometimes not, but it took the fight out of the moment. At bedtime I would do a mini debrief of the day and let him know the tokens he had earned and why. I didn't mention the ones he didn't earn but sometimes he would ask about them and I'd explain that he lost this one because of that behaviour and he usually accepted it, and didn't argue because the moment had passed. We talked about how he could manage the same situation if it came up again tomorrow. The next day is always a fresh start.

The second thing I did but much much later was got into reading Janet lansbury's stuff. She has a couple of books and a free podcast. I like her because I wanted to know how to have stronger boundaries but I struggle to access a lot of parenting theory involving boundaries (e.g. Supernanny, 123 magic, etc) because it all rests on an assumption that the parent should control the child, and/or that children are manipulative and I don't agree with that. So I would swing wildly between this attachment parenting/gentle parenting stuff which pays lip service to boundaries but doesn't really give any real advice on how to do them and the more authoritative stuff which I didn't really like or believe in so I wouldn't attempt it properly. RIE or Janet's stuff seems to strike the right balance for me. It feels respectful of the child autonomy while recognising that the parent has more experience and therefore is in the position of leader. It places you in a position of regulating and helping, not controlling and this feels instinctively much better to me. I wish I had discovered this earlier.

CanIhaveadrink I think parenting classes was one of a number of suggestions which the op is free to follow up or not, depending on what she feels is practical or not. After all, parenting classes could be useful if they provide new useful strategies for dealing with an energetic 5 year old and at the same time help her to feel more confident in implementing them. And I think pp pointed to the valuable support from other parents in the same situation as a huge benefit too. So the main point is that yes, the op may benefit from outside support, as she can't be expected to do it all herself. Others need to step up too. And op may need to ask for outside support too.

Very sorry to hear all your problems OP. Please try to seek help - go and see your GP for your anxiety, and quite possibly depression too.

With your son boundaries and consistency are key. Make sure you and DH are giving him the same messages. Use a carrot approach as well as a (metaphorical!) stick - reward good behaviour and try to have fun with him.

With your DH - sit him down and talk to him. Tell him how much his moods are affecting you. If he hates his job there’s no point sitting round moaning, he needs to do something about it.

With your parents - in the nicest way possible they are not your problem. They are adults and need to sort their own problems out. They are responsible for their own choices however illogical not you.

You are stronger than you think, you’ve got a lot to deal with but you will get through this. Just don’t think you have to do it on your own, get help.

Your 5 year old sounds normal, they are at an age for pushing boundaries. Something I found useful at that age was setting a timer that counted down so they could see how much longer till bed, bath etc. and I could remind them, eg you stayed up late but now it’s 10 minutes till bed, 5 minutes till bed now bed etc, makes transitions easier. Also used to set a timer for technology so it had a definite end time, and the amount of time was very limited. There was a no tech on a school day rule for example.