Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

DD is so unhappy at school. Don't know what to do.

207 replies

MayorMumbum · 26/11/2019 06:12

Some of you may remember my panicked threads from a few months ago about DD and her school situation. Sadly we're in a bad situation again Sad.

I had to remove my DD from primary school for the last six months of year 6. She was getting bullied very badly and had lost all confidence and developed trichotillomania as a result of the stress (pulling her hair out). She is still having issues with severe anxiety/insomnia even now.

We home schooled for a while then moved house to give her a fresh start and managed to get her in to a good high school with a good reputation just in the nick of time. I had really thought things were going to be okay.

It has been a nightmare. She has been bullied by various different children from the first week. She broke down last night completely and said she cannot deal with the stress/noise and the constant fighting. She explained she feels like the year 7 "victim" Sad. And yesterday for no reason a boy ripped her headphones out of her ears and phone on the bus. It really shook her up.

I'm beginning to see some signs that DD may be on the autistic spectrum, namely Aspergers. There's a lot of it in our family and she seems to fit many of the symptoms so I think she's struggling for several reasons.

She hasn't made a single real friend and spends most lunchtimes alone. She is incredibly unhappy and I really think this will be the same issue no matter which school she goes to. She just isn't coping emotionally and I don't know what to do.

She is beautiful, kind and academically advanced but no matter what I do/she does, she never seems to make friends and she is being constantly verbally abused/harassed. I've been on the phone to the head of year seven times since September who basically told me "I can't force children to like her".

It's breaking my heart Sad.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 26/11/2019 06:28

Oh your poor dd :(
Are there any clubs or activities she might want to join? Either in school or out. Just seeing individuals away from their groups might help.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 26/11/2019 06:32

She does girl guides and a drama group and really enjoys both. Its school she can't cope with. I'm dreading waking her up because I know she'll fall to pieces having to go in.

She's already had four days off for stomach pain caused by anxiety/stress Sad

OP posts:
Punxsutawney · 26/11/2019 06:33

Mayor your poor Dd. It is heartbreaking. My ds is 15 and recently been diagnosed with autism. He has no friends at all. His late diagnosis and lack of support at secondary has left him with significant mental health issues. He's just been refered to camhs.

What I have learnt from our experience with ds is that we should have acted sooner. Maybe approach your gp or the school senco about your concerns regarding the ASD. Don't hesitate to move schools if need be. I should have moved Ds and I didn't. He's year 11 now and stuck doing his gcses in a place that he hates, where he has been bullied and is just so unhappy and its my fault.

bellinisurge · 26/11/2019 06:34

Poor love. The Head of Year 7 presumably has a manager. I suggest speaking to them about this intolerable situation. Even Ofsted eventually It is unacceptable for the school to not help and not address bad behaviour against her.
I second finding an outside activity she might like to strengthen her personal confidence. Even that can have false starts so it might need perseverance from you.
And be kind to yourself too. Being a champion for someone can be tough.

WisestIsShe · 26/11/2019 06:36

That is not a good enough reply from the HoY. They can't make children like her but they must ensure she is safe and not bullied by their other pupils. It's a basic duty of care.
I feel so sorry for you both. I had this with my ds six years ago. In the end I took him out and sent him to Interhigh. It definitely wasn't ideal but it got him through high school safely and with his mental health in tact. He goes to regular college now. It was a total last resort for us though and I'm not sure I'd suggest it.
My advice would be don't back down in front of the school. Bang on and on about their responsibility to keep her safe. Talk to them everyday if you need to. School life is very busy and it is naturally the people/parents who make the most noise that move to the top of the pile of things to be sorted.
Pp advise to give her an interest outside of school is also good. Make sure she understands that school is just a part of life, not the whole of her life.

Punxsutawney · 26/11/2019 06:38

Yes the only person who actually began to try and get some support for ds was the deputy head, nobody else at school was listening at all. We were desperate and had complained lots of times.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 26/11/2019 06:42

The HOY did deal with the bullying incidents quickly but she basically said she can't make DD have friends and and she also can't stop the seemingly random attacks DD is forced to endure every day. And even after its too late, the damage to my DD has been done at that point.

My first instinct is to try my best to home schooling until year 9/10 when we may move again. She has never had an easy time with children her age and was so happy and relaxed but I'm also realistic about the education I could offer her.

I'm also just not thinking clearly as she is so depressed and all I want to do is protect her.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 26/11/2019 06:43

You need to change tack with the school. Don't focus on bullying - focus on her anxiety and the chance it may make her absent from school and needing to build coping strategies. I don't know so much about secondary schools so best ask someone who knows more....but you need to get passed over to their nurture team/student support services. The head of that will be more help and able to offer her a safe space during lunch etc. Maybe refer her on for diagnosis, councilling etc This borders on SEN and she needs support. (I'm not minimising bullying just trying to help you navigate to the right people who will have time to help.)

Lilyflower1 · 26/11/2019 06:47

Can you put a private day school fees on the mortgage? That is how we paid years’ worth of fees for our youngest. If you pay upfront you miss all the annual fee rises and we also got a five percent discount. I would really recommend this if you can at all stretch to it.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 26/11/2019 06:48

She has been seeing the school counsellor who is lovely but no more help has been forthcoming.

DD is in the higher sets but she says constant disruption/noise is the norm and she can't focus on learning. She says she often sits there covering her ears because the noise is so stressful for her Sad.

She says she feels constantly intimidated.

OP posts:
Original poster
MayorMumbum · 26/11/2019 06:49

Unfortunately private school is beyond our means at this time. The house move cost thousands and we were sure things would get better for her.

OP posts:
Goatinthegarden · 26/11/2019 06:50

I’m a Primary teacher and I know things are different up in secondary, but I would have thought that they could offer social and nurture groups to help your daughter make friends. Certainly I know that the pupils in our school who belong to such groups in Primary are transitioned into Similar groups in secondary. Might be worth asking higher up if such support exists?

Charities like Barnardo’s are also good at offering school support in Primary for development of social and emotional skills, I’m not sure if they continue for teens, but I imagine they do.

Lllot5 · 26/11/2019 06:54

I would stop sending her. Absolutely would.
I don’t what I’d do after that! But I wouldn’t put her through it.
It’s up to the school to protect her and give her an education and doesn’t seem like they’re doing either.
I don’t know if this helps but I simply wouldn’t send her.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 26/11/2019 06:56

That's my first instinct too Llot but I'd need a plan for after and don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
BlueGingerale · 26/11/2019 06:59

I would homeschool her. Today. Would deregister her today.

Why are you sending her to school?

Daisy7654 · 26/11/2019 07:01

I would home school her. She'll be fine and blossom. It could have long term ill effects if you send her into this constantly.
She could always go to college post 14. Most kids prefer college, it's a far kinder environment.
I'm a secondary teacher and I've seen many changes over the years. Unfortunately I'm powerless to change much.

Lllot5 · 26/11/2019 07:02

Home school her. I didn’t know if you were at work or not.
If you can home school then do.
Doesn’t have to be forever but if you can has to be worth a try.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 26/11/2019 07:03

Blue. I have home schooled before but it was primary and only for a few months. I want her to have a good education and wanted to give secondary the best shot we could. We managed to get her in to the "best" in the area and thought she would be OK. It hasn't turned out to be the case.
I'm also at odds with DH who thinks pulling her out now would be jumping the gun.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 26/11/2019 07:05

If you are dreading waking her up because of how she will be surely it’s best to not send her.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 26/11/2019 07:07

She doesn't get angry just seems exhausted and sad. She has had a lot of time off already.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 26/11/2019 07:10

She sounds like my dd, we pulled her from primary at the end of year 5 for bullying but luckily I found a small nurturing high school that started in year 6. Get a camhs referral for testing, it's not a magic wand but is the gateway to autism specific teenage services (which were excellent here).

It was being a chorister and playing in the orchestra that really saved her, it provided structure and friends who had similar interests (and were quirky themselves)

I spent hours negotiating with school, list jobs from having to pick her up 2-3 times a week .... but sixth form was better and university is a breeze, they are so supportive, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

It's a really hard age for asd kids, but try to encourage her to understand herself - this was a huge breakthrough for us, dd actually presented an assembly on what it is to be autistic when she was 11. She now has a pt job at university advising on the needs of asd people and meets with prospective students on the spectrum (she's doing far better than we could dream when she was diagnosed at 2)

Punxsutawney · 26/11/2019 07:10

Blue it's not always easy to make the decision to home school.

The implications for staying in that environment are not good though. I had no idea the impact it would have on Ds. He does get a bit of support in school now but the damage is done. I'm hoping with the right mental health support he may be able to start to feel better. I would do things so differently if we had that time again.

moanyhole · 26/11/2019 07:12

There must be other families who homeschool in secondary. Maybe reach out to them. At that age I'd imagine the learning is self directed and the child is not as reliant on the parent as they would be in primary. I'd pull her out and homeschool. Her mental health is more important. I'd get a diagnosis too and support in place that way as well

WisestIsShe · 26/11/2019 07:12

Pp suggestion of asking the school to deal with it as an anxiety/mental health issue is a good idea. Lots of secondaries have a Student Support Centre where children who struggle in lessons (for whatever reason, anxiety, noise etc) can do the work in a very quiet environment. The school want to keep them in and keep the attendance up so it works for them. This obviously doesn't address the social issues but might relieve the pressure on her a bit?

AJPTaylor · 26/11/2019 07:14

Could you home school via interhigh?