DD is so unhappy at school. Don't know what to do.

[MayorMumbum]

Some of you may remember my panicked threads from a few months ago about DD and her school situation. Sadly we're in a bad situation again .

I had to remove my DD from primary school for the last six months of year 6. She was getting bullied very badly and had lost all confidence and developed trichotillomania as a result of the stress (pulling her hair out). She is still having issues with severe anxiety/insomnia even now.

We home schooled for a while then moved house to give her a fresh start and managed to get her in to a good high school with a good reputation just in the nick of time. I had really thought things were going to be okay.

It has been a nightmare. She has been bullied by various different children from the first week. She broke down last night completely and said she cannot deal with the stress/noise and the constant fighting. She explained she feels like the year 7 "victim" . And yesterday for no reason a boy ripped her headphones out of her ears and phone on the bus. It really shook her up.

I'm beginning to see some signs that DD may be on the autistic spectrum, namely Aspergers. There's a lot of it in our family and she seems to fit many of the symptoms so I think she's struggling for several reasons.

She hasn't made a single real friend and spends most lunchtimes alone. She is incredibly unhappy and I really think this will be the same issue no matter which school she goes to. She just isn't coping emotionally and I don't know what to do.

She is beautiful, kind and academically advanced but no matter what I do/she does, she never seems to make friends and she is being constantly verbally abused/harassed. I've been on the phone to the head of year seven times since September who basically told me "I can't force children to like her".

It's breaking my heart .

what santas said. It must be so distressing for you, OP, it is good that she’s being open with you though, so you know how she’s truly feeling. School was hell for me and I wasn’t abused there as badly as your child is is being, my abuser at school was a girl who was my ‘best friend’ who isolated me and spread rumours, I had had a deeply traumatic childhood already so this was just the cherry on top, I was utterly alone, I ate lunch secretly during morning classes, so I could avoid the lunch halls completely, and wander the empty corridors alone. It all effects me to this day. I never told anyone because it didn’t seem that bad, and also my parent was awful. The school have absolutely failed your child, catastrophically, ensure you CC OFSTEAD into any interaction you have with them and get everything they say in writing (email), get them to clarify what they’re saying regarding their exposing your child to abuse, failure to safeguard your child and the fact that their failures are making her suicidal and impacting her lifelong mental health. This thread is making me so angry, how dare they^ allow their pupils to terrorise a child, absolute trash excuse for a school. I’d be emptied to go to the press if they fail once more.

Ignore all those italics.

A local journalist would be interested in this, ‘PigShit High let young child be abused for months.’ Put the ducking fear of god into the bastards. Poor wee girl.

My reservations are that I'd fail to do a good job of educating her

Right now, she could do with a break from education. Lots of parents who homeschool their previously bullied autistic and other NeuroDiverse kids let them have a long break until they can learn how to relax again and be themselves. After that, it's the time for more learning and education.

An assessment will detail her strengths and weaknesses in a lot of different areas that you've probably never even considered, as well as giving a diagnosis. Without that, you'll have difficulty supporting her or demonstrating what support is essential for her when she is ready and able to start her education again. She's already proved she's academically able, it's all the other areas of her as a person that needs the support and until they are identified, she'll not be getting the correct help which will enable her to succeed in so many more facets of her life.

I didn't sleep a wink. She's already had so much time off and I'm at a complete loss.
I really want to give it until Christmas until we make any big decisions. The school have put lots of steps in place to make it easier, but she is so negative and unhappy still. All she wants to do is stay home and play Minecraft and isolate herself .

Does your daughter attend any kind of therapy?

Not currently. We aren't in a position to pay privately right now but the GP has referred her to cahms.

Was the other school that you both loved a state school? Could you appeal if a place doesn't come up on the waiting list very soon? Secondary appeals have a better chance of succeeding as they're not limited by the same class numbers as KS1 appeals. If you could find specific things about the new school that might help with these various issues, you might be able to build a good case.

This sounds dreadful and I hope that things get better for your dd. The school aren’t doing. A great job of supporting her. I’m surprised in a sizeable school like that there aren’t more dc who don’t feel like they fit in. Its not even about the activity, it’s about meeting other people who you have things in common with. My dc go to a relatively small secondary and it’s crammed with niche clubs. Warhammer, debate, comic book.

Could you get a job to generate the extra money that you need for your dd to have some counselling/therapy?

I would say you need to start the process for an EHCP and go via your Doctor for a CAHMs assessment and an ASD diagnosis.
And keep a diary for every event. Read up on ASD and see how your DD fits the criteria.
There may be a suitable specialist school but you will need that EHCP and be prepared to fight. I also wouldn't just deregister her from school but make school and the LA acknowledge the problem, then you may be able to fight to get home tutors etc. If you can get her mental health issues acknowledged - and I would use the word safeguarding as in "how is the school safeguarding"your daughter's safety and mental health during the school day?"

If here is a local branch of NAS, especially if they have a parent of girls with ASD group - they may be able to help with your local provision.

Might be worth home schooling with some paid hours tutoring. I know a lot of early retired teachers who enjoy doing odd hours of tutoring support. You could get 3 or 4 in different subjects then top up with your own homeschooling. Might be a way forward.

I feel for you - my DS had similar and we did the smaller private school aproach shoving the fees on the mortgage and going la la la on pensions....

In the meantime go to gp get camhs referral- maybe talk to young minds....look for youth counselling in your area..

talk to SENCO - can she use the inclusion area for peace/calmness
if not I would tell her to just go to the library..at break times..
is there an alternative for the bus?

You said that she does a couple of out of school activities? Does she have friends there ? Could she go to the same school as THOSE friends ?

Oh OP, you could be me a year ago, but DD was year 11, including the sensitivity to noise, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

Ask school about Out Of School Education. Once my DD had been off school for 15 days, we were referred to the Out of School Service who deal with kids that are too ill for school. We were sent a tutor provided by the Council, who came twice a week for six months. This bought us the time up to her GCSE's- but could buy you the time to get a place at the other school.

And I'm not sure about W Mids, but in Derby the YMCA have a college for kids that the education system hasn't worked for, for whatever reason.

I have no advice but I just wanted to off a very big hug xx xxxxx

Ok. She was horribly verbally assaulted today. We're removing her, she can't take it anymore .

I'm so sorry to see your last comment OP. I've not read the full thread and I did see that you said private school fees were not possible (and anyway, just because kids' parents or grandparents can afford the fees doesn't make them nice people).

It is possible that another state school might handle all of this a lot better and you could perhaps look at finding another school for Y8 or even Y9 entry.

In the meantime, could you afford something like Interhigh? Or falling that you could look at Wolsey Hall and she could do some of their courses in the basic subjects. You say you don't think you could do a good job of educating her - I bet you would - but if you use a resource like Wolsey Hall for the core subjects you'd feel more relaxed.

You say she's happy in her outside activities and perhaps you could tap into a local HE group.

And then if and when she is ready, you could try another secondary school - that could be for GCSEs (but again you could do the core subjects via Wolsey Hall) or A levels/6th form college level qualifications. And remember that if you have hopes for her going to university, they accept unconventional backgrounds and qualifications.

You are doing the right thing op. She needs to rebuild her mh with your protection and support. Your poor dd

Do find your local home educstion sites.

My friend home schools, she's in a network of parents who teach the secondary subjects and they run small mini classes so her children benefit from a good standard of education and meet with others. And it's a good support for the parents.

I hope your DD has a relaxed weekend. Glad she's not going there anymore. And do push for a diagnosis so she can get access to help.

we use an online school. best of both worlds.
ds is taught live small classes on a nice structured timetable by teachers with the english curriculum just as in a local school. its at home (or anywhere with an internet connection!), safe, less distraction, no bullies.........

best thing we ever did

The school have called. They want to do a managed move!

Right so they want to do a managed move and have her dual enrolled for six weeks then she can decide where she wants to go.
It's all really sudden and poor DD is really overwhelmed but this is a school with an amazing ofsted and she really liked it.
I'm so confused about what to do. Sorry to keep posting.

Mayor give it a chance? If your dd feels the same you can revert to homeschool. But it’s worth it if she’s feeling positive.

I'm just so worried she'll have a horrible experience there as well. She really has had enough .
I know we're lucky to have the option to move her and it is a much smaller school but I'm just exhausted by this whole process. It's been non stop stress since March.
She's also probably not going to start until January and she desperately doesn't want to go back to her current school. Today really was the last straw for her, she can't take anymore abuse.

Can she stay off until then?

She's had huge amounts of time off so I dont know.