DD is so unhappy at school. Don't know what to do.

[MayorMumbum]

Some of you may remember my panicked threads from a few months ago about DD and her school situation. Sadly we're in a bad situation again .

I had to remove my DD from primary school for the last six months of year 6. She was getting bullied very badly and had lost all confidence and developed trichotillomania as a result of the stress (pulling her hair out). She is still having issues with severe anxiety/insomnia even now.

We home schooled for a while then moved house to give her a fresh start and managed to get her in to a good high school with a good reputation just in the nick of time. I had really thought things were going to be okay.

It has been a nightmare. She has been bullied by various different children from the first week. She broke down last night completely and said she cannot deal with the stress/noise and the constant fighting. She explained she feels like the year 7 "victim" . And yesterday for no reason a boy ripped her headphones out of her ears and phone on the bus. It really shook her up.

I'm beginning to see some signs that DD may be on the autistic spectrum, namely Aspergers. There's a lot of it in our family and she seems to fit many of the symptoms so I think she's struggling for several reasons.

She hasn't made a single real friend and spends most lunchtimes alone. She is incredibly unhappy and I really think this will be the same issue no matter which school she goes to. She just isn't coping emotionally and I don't know what to do.

She is beautiful, kind and academically advanced but no matter what I do/she does, she never seems to make friends and she is being constantly verbally abused/harassed. I've been on the phone to the head of year seven times since September who basically told me "I can't force children to like her".

It's breaking my heart .

@Dowser oh how horrible for him it's so unfair how much some children struggle.

@Puddlelane123 I'm leaning towards that idea too. Maybe we could manage a private referral in that time and try to work on some of the underlying issues in that time and wouldn't the waiting list for a year 8 place be shorter?

Ultimately I don't want to home school her forever. Her dream is to move to Japan to work in video game design or robotics coding and like any mum I just want to do what it takes to give her the best chance to achieve her dreams but make sure her happiness and mental health is prioritised in the mean time. I am bright but uh, robotics is beyond the scope of my ability .

Sorry you're daughter is having such a bad time with school. My daughter was really struggling this time last year but things are hugely better now. She moved schools towards the end of Y7 as we moved house and she just didn't settle and make friends in the new school - she was really miserable and having to eat lunch on her own every day. She also struggles with migraines and anxiety which made everything harder. We started to explore alternative schools but just before Easter last year she was so unhappy at school we made the decision to take her out of school. We enrolled her at Interhigh online school which I was much more impressed with than I expected. We also got her some private counselling for her anxiety and she joined some local clubs to make sure she still had the social interaction. Shortly after a place came up at our local school. She started there last summer towards the end of Y9 and has settled really well. I think the term she had out of school really helped her to recover from the bad experience at the other school and the councilling helped her prepare to go back to school with a more positive attitude and more self confidence. She has a nice group of friends that she has lunch with and is slowly getting involved with school life and is enjoying the lessons and is generally much happier.

I think the idea of exploring the Catholic school for your daughter as an alternative sounds good. If you do decide to home school (or internet school) you should be able to stay on the waiting list if a place doesn't come up straight away.

The school has no clubs?
I doubt that very much.
There must be clubs otherwise it wouldn't be rated as anything other than special measures.

Has she tried earplugs for the noise?

If she feels all lessons are disruptive then the HOY should investigate that too.
My dd has issues with disruption in her 'top' set classes, I called in everyday and finally the school had a report book in all her lessons, the staff had to write in the book after every lesson about the behaviour. It highlighted problems and allowed them to see the issues.

You said she likes drama, there must be a drama club. Has she just not found the clubs yet?

Sorry Teen yes it has after school clubs (she does drama and it's the one thing about the school she likes). What I meant was they have no lunchtime clubs.

I just spoke to the admissions officer (who was lovely!) and explained our situation. The waiting list is only 24, which having been 86th once before doesn't seem like a lot, she also said it will shrink considerably in the new year so maybe there's a chance? As she isn't catholic and we're not that close she'd still be towards the bottom but it might be possible.

Haven't RTFT but wanted to suggest you post on the Home Ed board as there are lots of people with advice and support. Good luck OP

My son is 15 and no longer in school, he receives 2 hours home tutoring per week from the school. If you can take her out now and find an alternative provision do it. I wish I done it sooner because we wouldn't have all the issues now in the year he does his exams. I didnt do it sooner as I worried it would cause social isolation. In the end he is socially isolated anyway and barely leaves the house, I feel if I'd done something when he was younger he could've joined groups etc that were of interest to him and he wouldn't have the current mental health issues to the extent they are now. School isnt for everyone. My sons school have been incredibly helpful and said not to worry, education is life long. Honestly put your daughters happiness and mental health first. Like my son she is intelligent and she will get her education/grades when it is the right time and setting for her.

My DD was in a similar situation in year 7 and year 8. Even now in year 10 she doesn't talk to any of the kids in her form as they shunned her completely. She did find her way though (I did offer to move her to another school but she said she wanted to stick it out). She joined a couple of clubs (one lunchtime and one after school) and made friends from other forms. Over time her friendship circle grew and she is very happy there now. She's a very quiet person and can be awkward so kids just took against her. There was a little bullying which was dealt with well but mainly people just didn't get her so ignored her instead. It is heartbreaking and i really feel for you. Whatever you decide to do I just wanted you to know it will get better.

I don't think I fully realised how much DD hated that school in particular until she seemed so positive about moving to a different one. She really, really hates it .

But she really hates it because she's in it.
I don't know that moving schools will be the answer- same shit different place?!

Before making the move you need to speak to the 'new' school and talk through the issues, talk to the senco, see what the pastoral care is like, take her to visit during the day, over lunch etc, stand outside the gates at kick out to see what the behaviour is like etc.
No I f schools is not a magic wand, she will still have noise aversion etc you need to be confident they will handle it all better.

Totally agree teenage, I'd go through it with a fine tooth comb before I move her in there. And regardless of what happens I'm pushing the GP for a referral.
I just want to know I'm making the right decision for her so thinking about all options.

Her GP appointment is on Monday but as predicted I am now being called by the attendance officer at some point today. It causes me such stress

You might already have spoken to the attendance officer but if not I’d be very clear that your daughter is off school due to their failure to provide a safe environment for her, their lack of recognition of her additional support needs or indeed them engaging in any process of assessment to support those needs - cite your request for contact from SENCO as evidence. I’d explain you’re now waiting for a GPs appointment to begin the process of assessment and to explore the supports needed to protect her mental health and well being and that unless they can ensure your child’s safety and welfare while at school you’re within your rights to protect your child.

Or you could tell them to fuck off. What a bloody nonsense, the school know why she’s not there.

The HOY has told me that as she currently has no diagnosis, Senco can't be in the meeting tomorrow but the counsellor will be. Does that sound right?

No it doesn't. My DS has had meetings involving SENCO from year 2 to year 8 and no official ASD diagnosis. It was the SENCO who first flagged concerns. He was put on SN register in year 2 but after a meeting with SENCO involved then its been at least termly meetings.

Utter nonsense from HOY. The SENCO at dd's school offered to come with me to dd's first appointment with paediatrics!

Mayor we did have a meeting with the Senco before ds received his diagnosis. Initially she really didn't want to have much to do with us and it was left to the head of year but as he was completely useless we did manage to get a meeting with her!

We really did have to fight for the small amount of support ds gets. We should have moved him if I'm really honest but he's year 11 now so he's hanging on and making the break for sixth form.

Staying in this school has not been good for him though, we now have another fight to try and get him the mental health support that he needs. I wish I could turn back the clock, I would have done things differently.

The HOY has told me that as she currently has no diagnosis, Senco can't be in the meeting tomorrow but the counsellor will be. Does that sound right

No it doesn't. My DD is in 6th form college now, but they've taken onboard her likely ASD without a diagnosis & are making suitable adjustments. They know we are still waiting in assessment & took my word fir that, though I know we have our GPs backing. The college have also expressed anger that DD 'has been let down by CAHMs & arranged counselling for her & she has a mentor to go to if it gets too much fir her. Just knowing that the back up is all there for her has made a huge difference to her confidence. Her high school were equally supportive, though we had a few issues with individual teachers.

We did hit a similar brick wall with her first primary school though & if the support isn't there for her, then I think the best thing you can do is listen to her & move her. It's not worth fighting a school that isn't prepared to work with you in the best interest of your DD.

I'd also suggest,.. Work with the current school. Document everything & follow up meetings & calls with emails so that you have a paper trail. This gives the current school the chance to make adjustments & show that they understand & have your DDs best interests at heart & are prepared to listen & help. What out for them trying to pin DDs problems on you for being over involved though. If you have records & emails this can all help you move her quickly to the other school & you can use this & her suspected ASD to get more points for the new school. The non faith places tend to go fast in good faith schools, extra needs means she has more of a chance of getting in. Check the entry criteria on the schools website. I'd also suggest speaking to the Educational Welfare Officer, I found them a big help then too.

I met with the HOY and the pastoral lead yesterday and we have come to an agreement on next steps.
DD is going to be given a pass to be let out of lessons five minutes early so she can avoid the crush at changeover times, she gets shoved and pushed a lot and this will now be avoided. The pass also means she can be excused from lesson at any time if her anxiety becomes too high and she also is able to see the school counsellor at any stage throughout the day.

She has also been added to the "nurture group" for children with physical disabilities/asd etc so she can now eat her lunch in a quiet room with other children who find the canteen too much. We're switching to packed lunches so she can avoid the canteen altogether. She knows a girl from girl guides who eats her lunches there so she feels positive about it.

We also went to see the other school she is interested in and we both fell a bit in love with it. It is half the size of her current school and has a warm, cosy feeling. Feels like a big primary school really and the staff were so kind and accommodating, the pastoral care seems really strong. We are going to put her on the waiting list as there is nothing to lose by doing so and even if things improve at the school she is at we both feel this other school would be a much better fit for her.

She is going back in on Tuesday (we see the GP on Monday) to see if the new changes improve things so hopefully it will get better. We're going to give it until Christmas.

The pastoral lead also recommended she start using ear protection for classrooms, plugs. I'm a bit out of my depth so if anyone knows anything about ear defenders for autism etc I would really appreciate it.

Hi OP. I haven't read the whole thread, but some of your posts have made me cry. It resonates so much with me.

It is utterly heart breaking to see your child like this and I just can't bear the scale of it.

My DD is a couple of years older and she has only just started to make friends, but she still feels very much an outsider. Those first few years at school were absolute torture. I completely understand what you're going through. I can also understand from a more personal level. I had friends etc, but almost over night, I developed severe social anxiety (school phobic, they called it) and I can still remember that dread in the pit of my stomach.

I don't want to just relate though, I would like to offer some advice if I can. Can your DD be moved to another form where there are more girls and boys she can relate to? There will be other girls like her, they just need to find one another.

My DD's school very strategically placed her in a form with several other quirky girls, who were all a bit on the outside, but they have all come together and whereas, there's still the odd issue, just knowing that she isn't the only one has made her confidence grow enormously.

DD confessed tonight she is having suicidal thoughts. She's 11. DH and I are beside ourselves with worry .
The school have tried to help but she isn't coping. I'm so upset and don't know what to do next.

When she's at home she is our happy, sweet and funny DD. How can being at school cause so much distress. I'm so worried.

So sorry to hear that. I wold get her to the GP tomorrow. And seriously would think about having her signed off sick for the rest of the term to take the pressure off her and give you time to think about whether she should return in January or not.

This is heartbreaking to read OP. The lack of care from your DD’s school is shocking.

DS(13) is in a group of nice lads at school and they were discreetly approached by a kind teacher and asked to include a boy who was struggling with social interaction and was always on his own.

DS said the first time they tried to sit by the boy at lunchtime and chat he seemed really scared and practically ran off. But they persevered, being generally friendly, making sure one of them always chose him for a partner for games etc and gradually he became one of the gang.

A year on he doesn’t hang out with them so much, though they are still all friendly. He has found his own quirky little bunch. DS says he is much less quiet now and seems quite happy.

Your DD’s school could easily have asked a nice bunch of girls to take her under their wing until she settled in.

Mayor what are your reservations against home school?

I don’t doubt you’re beside yourself your poor dd

My reservations are that I'd fail to do a good job of educating her. That she would become increasingly more isolated and that it would damage her future. I know there are many home school families out there that do an amazing job but I'm disabled and have low energy a lot of the time... I'm just scared to take the plunge. Something like inter high may be doable in a year or so.
I'm also scared of the LA as we've had dealings with them in the past (when I first removed DD from school) and they were openly quite threatening/hostile. I found it hugely difficult.
I just don't know. She's sleeping now and I managed to get a few giggles out of her before she fell asleep.