DD is so unhappy at school. Don't know what to do.

[MayorMumbum]

Some of you may remember my panicked threads from a few months ago about DD and her school situation. Sadly we're in a bad situation again .

I had to remove my DD from primary school for the last six months of year 6. She was getting bullied very badly and had lost all confidence and developed trichotillomania as a result of the stress (pulling her hair out). She is still having issues with severe anxiety/insomnia even now.

We home schooled for a while then moved house to give her a fresh start and managed to get her in to a good high school with a good reputation just in the nick of time. I had really thought things were going to be okay.

It has been a nightmare. She has been bullied by various different children from the first week. She broke down last night completely and said she cannot deal with the stress/noise and the constant fighting. She explained she feels like the year 7 "victim" . And yesterday for no reason a boy ripped her headphones out of her ears and phone on the bus. It really shook her up.

I'm beginning to see some signs that DD may be on the autistic spectrum, namely Aspergers. There's a lot of it in our family and she seems to fit many of the symptoms so I think she's struggling for several reasons.

She hasn't made a single real friend and spends most lunchtimes alone. She is incredibly unhappy and I really think this will be the same issue no matter which school she goes to. She just isn't coping emotionally and I don't know what to do.

She is beautiful, kind and academically advanced but no matter what I do/she does, she never seems to make friends and she is being constantly verbally abused/harassed. I've been on the phone to the head of year seven times since September who basically told me "I can't force children to like her".

It's breaking my heart .

There are loads of people who home educate the high school years. I do, there’s a big community in every area, loads of help and support online and also plenty of options for education...online schools, tutors, college. IMO mental health is far more important than anything else...how she can learn and get a ‘good education’ when she feels so awful? My teen daughters are thriving on home education as are their many friends. Please consider this and if you need any further advice just ask!

I missed all of secondary school through illness. Apart from a few months of very intermittent French/English tutoring I had no secondary education. When I recovered I did an access course through college and now have an undergraduate degree, a masters and various other qualifications. Obviously I’m not suggesting you just abandon education but it isn’t necessarily the end of the world if she misses a bit while you sort things out. My niece has autism and goes to a specialist education centre (not sure that’s the right terminology) and is thriving after really struggling at primary.

I wish I’d home schooled my son. He hated school, it just wasn’t the right place for him. We eventually pulled him out when he flunked his AS levels by which time he’d endured 5 years of relative misery. If you can do it please consider it.

When Dd was having similar issues the school were great. They had a hub where you could basically go for some peace and quiet at any time during the school day, including break times. The teachers knew which kids needed to use the hub and they had permission to leave when class became too much.

The fact that your daughter is suffering random attacks though is worrying and I would be worried this might escalate. Our school had an outstanding pastoral care team and we had many meetings with them. There were lunchtime clubs available every day too which helped Dd to not be isolated while others were socialising.

Ask to speak to the pastoral team not just the HoY.

No one can "force" children to "like" children but they can ensure the anti bullying policies are adhered to. Can they provide a safe and quiet space for her to go eg at break-times. They can do bullying assemblies, class sessions so children can see the different types and what might affect different children.

In my DD class right up thru primary there was a little boy who was on the spectrum and he didnt do French because he couldnt cope and sometimes for health reasons had periods out of school but they all knew something was different about him and looked out for him ... one day a pile of scooters had been put on top of his and he was about to have a meltdown because he couldnt get his and one of the boys (a footballing not partic gentle type of personality), said Ill help you and removed the scooters alleviating the situation ... they thought of him as part of their class. In my DS class a little boy with damage from being premature and having a stroke as a toddler had ADHD and very annoying and the children felt he got away with behaviour they got into trouble for ... his mum, who is lovely, went in and explained to the class what happened when he was a baby and how it affected and the class was more understanding ...

Good luck, is there any out of school therapies to aid communication you can tap into to or activities to build self esteem.

I was promised this school had strong pastoral support but we've been offered very little and I know of one girl with severe anxiety who was removed in the first two weeks (also the only friend DD had made).

DD went on the year 7 residential and was excluded the entire time. She says feing excluded and being a "victim" is the hardest thing for her. Apparently a boy told her he feels sorry for anyone who has to sit with her. That is just one example of nearly daily comments like that. I can't make sense of it.

My son went to Interhigh as he had a chronic illness and couldn't attend his school any more. I would really recommend it. They have live lessons and classes which the children attend online from home. It could be ideal for your daughter, I believe there were many children who couldn't cope with normal school/had been bullied there. We managed to get the fees paid for by the local authority as it was cheaper than a home tutor but it was a long process and not easy. I think it's about 4-5k a year if you pay yourself. Your daughter could start in a week or two. I think it would be a huge relief for both of you. Anyway, good luck whatever you decide.

Secondary school can be an overwhelming place for those with ASD. Ds is regularly called names. He has had his possessions damaged and stolen. His bag thrown out the top floor window. His clothes scribbled on. Been hit on the head with a stool in science. I could probably list more. This is at a state selective school rated outstanding. I have no idea why young people can be so horrible.

I couldn't afford inter high for the foreseeable future and having had dealings with the LA in the past when I first pulled her out I highly doubt they would help.

My preferred choice would be to remove her, get her assessed and home educate until years 10/11 for GCSES when hopefully we'll have found the right school in a new place.

I'm just too scared to actually do it and DH is very resistant considering all the money we paid to move for a better school and him moving further from work.

It's just all such a mess

It sounds as if she may have particular sensitivity to noise which will make it very hard for her to concentrate and may mean that noise is actively painful for her. It's an issue which often goes along with autistic spectrum disorders, and you should look into a referral to a paediatrician or similar urgently. But in the meantime if you can possibly take her out of school, I think you need to consider it very seriously.

She has always had an aversion to noise. It has gotten worse, not better as I expected.
I'm keeping her home today. She is too upset and anxious to go in.

Given delays in diagnosis, could you possibly run to paying for a private referral, or are you covered by health insurance that might pay for it?

If you home school her, there are several online schools if you don't feel confident teaching her yourself.

Probably not. Most of our savings went on moving.

I am going to take her to the Gp and ask for a referral but not sure what to do about school in the mean time.

She had a meltdown this morning as predicted so I've just tucked her back in to bed.

In the interim could the school send work home? My DD also used Interhigh and it was fantastic. Our scenario was very similar to yours. Main stream school talked the talked but didn't walk the walk. Why not contact interhigh and see what they suggest? We paid by direct debit so it wasn't a huge lump up front.

School can be absolutely brutal for a lot of kids. Your DDs mental health is far more important than education at the moment.

I have seen the fees for inter high. It is beyond our means at the moment. At least for the next year.

Your poor DD, it’s causes such stress and upset, when you know your child is unhappy at school.

My DS really struggled to settle at senior school, when I told school what was going on,he was invited to a lunch club, where he could go and play games with other kids that were also struggling, it really helped him. He also could go to the library, at break rather than have to go into the playground. Does your DD’s school offer the same thing? Would she attend if given the chance? It may help her make friends and settle into school life.

I hope things improve for you & your DD very soon.

How about the online school, Interhigh?

I am so sorry your DD is going through this. I have a DD of similar age. She was also bullied and we moved schools (and countries!).

What the new school did is ask her about her interests and her hobbies and then matched her to another girl with those same interests that had almost the same class schedule. The girl was then asked to be my DDs buddy for a few weeks to help her settle in. Walk to class, eat lunch, show her around. This gave my DD the best opportunity to make a new friend. It made all the difference as she is good friends with the girl and part of her group of friends.

She has been bullied a bit by a boy. He kicked a ball and hit her in the head. But having friends made it easier to deal with. Your DD must feel so alone. I feel so sad for her.

There are no clubs and they only get half an hour. DD says by the time she's gotten food/sat down to eat its time to go back to class.
They seem to have washed their hands of the social exclusion she is faced with every day.

Hmm. When we were in the U.K., if the child had special needs and their education statement of need specified that they needed school x, the local authority paid any tuition. Would getting your DD diagnosed and assessed with a special education statement that specifies Interhigh solve the tuition fee issue? Worth asking about.

Can you have a face to face meeting with the school HoY and possibly SENCO to see if there are any measures that could be put in place to try and help your daughter as it seems too soon to be withdrawing and home educating after not quite a term and some phone calls. Some options could be: taxi to and from school to avoid going on a bus, sitting at the front of the class for English, maths and science to ensure she keeps up in essential subjects, taking work to do in the library during other subjects so it is quieter, finding something to do during lunch breaks, ie, volunteering in the school library or having a quiet space to retreat to, having a time out card so that she can leave any lesson she is finding tough to cope in. These things are all easier to put in place if there is a diagnosis, but may be possible if it's the only way to keep her in school, as it does not sound like private or inter high are possible, or that you're confident about home schooling

The noise sensitivity can be part of autism. The exhaustion comes from dealing with being bombarded by sounds all day long. I would get her assessed for autism as soon as possible so that she can get support to create quieter learning environments. Schools are so noisy and it is not surprising that she is anxious and stressed before the end of each day.

I think you should keep her at home initially for the next few days. Talk to your partner this evening and start to formulate a plan. Make an appointment with your GP and ask about a referral. I think your priority is her health so if you decide on homeschooling concentrate on getting her well. I would then prioritise her maths and english as this could be a potential gap when/if she returns to school. Also book a meeting with school - follow the school process for this e.g. tutor, head of year and so on..going in from the point of view of high anxiety etc . My son went to 'the best school in the area', ofsted outstanding..it was dreadful for pastoral support although on paper it looked great. Have a look at other schools - you may be surprised.