DD is so unhappy at school. Don't know what to do.

[MayorMumbum]

Some of you may remember my panicked threads from a few months ago about DD and her school situation. Sadly we're in a bad situation again .

I had to remove my DD from primary school for the last six months of year 6. She was getting bullied very badly and had lost all confidence and developed trichotillomania as a result of the stress (pulling her hair out). She is still having issues with severe anxiety/insomnia even now.

We home schooled for a while then moved house to give her a fresh start and managed to get her in to a good high school with a good reputation just in the nick of time. I had really thought things were going to be okay.

It has been a nightmare. She has been bullied by various different children from the first week. She broke down last night completely and said she cannot deal with the stress/noise and the constant fighting. She explained she feels like the year 7 "victim" . And yesterday for no reason a boy ripped her headphones out of her ears and phone on the bus. It really shook her up.

I'm beginning to see some signs that DD may be on the autistic spectrum, namely Aspergers. There's a lot of it in our family and she seems to fit many of the symptoms so I think she's struggling for several reasons.

She hasn't made a single real friend and spends most lunchtimes alone. She is incredibly unhappy and I really think this will be the same issue no matter which school she goes to. She just isn't coping emotionally and I don't know what to do.

She is beautiful, kind and academically advanced but no matter what I do/she does, she never seems to make friends and she is being constantly verbally abused/harassed. I've been on the phone to the head of year seven times since September who basically told me "I can't force children to like her".

It's breaking my heart .

Ring the SENCO. Ask to be put through to Inclusion from reception.

Hi OP..sorry this is such a dreadful situation. Probably hard to know what to do. I do agree with other posters in that I would takemy child out of school. The relief you will all feel (even your dh) will be huge. Then you can explore options. My ds2 is 12 and cannot stand loud noises and crowds/certain lighting. He has been home edded since he was 7. There is no one size fits all....everyone is different. Some people go for online learning,others work books,others go to college. I wish you all the best.

A lucky girl to have you onside. I know that is just a platitude but I get that from your posts.
Good luck and take time to be kind to yourself too.

Thank you Bellini, that's a lovely thing to say .

Her HOY has called and we're going to set up a meeting with the HOY/school counsellor as a first step. What do I do about sending her in/attendance given she has pretty bad attendance already this term?

If she's not up to going, she's not up to going. If they can't meet her needs then their attendance figures will suffer. That. That's their incentive to get things sorted.

Your poor dd I think your instinct to hone school could be the right way to go

Home school
By all means do the HoY path first but if you feel it is detrimental to her mh then don’t feel bad if you want to further protect her

What do I do about sending her in/attendance given she has pretty bad attendance already this term?

My instinct would be to keep her home until there’s a clear plan in place to offer her realistic support in her school day that recognises and meets her needs. Don’t talk to the school about home ed just yet though because if they think that’s an option they’ll just let things drift knowing that you’ll vote with your feet. In all honesty it’s not the first time I’ve gone with a clear list of what I need to be in place before one of my DC returned to school.

Do you/your daughter have any idea about what would help, eg some nurture support, quiet classrooms or the ability to take time out of class, somewhere quiet to have lunch or a learning support base etc? If you go with specific requests it gives you somewhere to start from and they can then look at more specific assessment and supports.

The school saying they can’t make kids like her is victim blaming in the extreme - they can give her the tools to build friendships and a safe environment to try new social skills as a minimum. Can you look at other schools and see what support is on offer generally that could extend to include your DD?

My heart breaks for you OP. My DD has similar woes at secondary school until she got to GCSE year when fir some reason (partly due to her involvement in music groups) she found some kindred spirits. School though was often a nightmare for her and she changed from being a sparky, optimistic soul to an introverted girl who cared too much what others thought. It has stayed with her through uni. I wish I’d kicked up more Of a stink and kicked against the lazy handling of the situation. Actually it was non-handling

OP, sending you and your DD hugs. I agree with some others, I would keep her at home, and give her some respite. Ask HoY for a proper meeting to discuss what they can do to help her. Although I feel that they have already shown their colours on this, ie, completely unhelpful. I would then explore different options like online schools and local homeschooling groups as well as checking out colleges for their GCSE services. I personally don't think private schools would necessarily be any better.

I really hope things get better for her soon.

I second what Jelly has said. I've kept mine back on advice of our GP until proper support was in place for her. Our situation was a bit different in that she was physically very ill too & missed 2 years of secondary school as a result of that. She suffered badly with SPD, anxiety etc on returning to school, so needed measures in place fir the same support as your DD needs.

Don't mention home schooling. If your DD becomes to I'll fir school, it's still the schools responsibility to educate her whilst she is registered with them. This includes providing EOTAS tutors in core subjects for up to 5 hours a week. We were luck in that it was offered without my even knowing about it, but I've seen a lot of talk on forums where this isn't he case. Schools avoid it as it costs them, so they may need a push.

DD had a toilet/breather pass that allowed her to flash it & leave class without an explanation if she felt overwhelmed, sick, bad stomach etc. She didn't really use this as she felt embarrassed standing up in class, but knowing she had it did help stop her mind going into over drive with worries of passing out, accidents etc. So it helped calm her, even though she rarely used it.

She had access to a nurture room, which again she didn't like to be seen to go to, so she was allowed to spend lunches in the library.

She moved class in one instance as she was stressed by the teaching style.

She had access to counselling, but again found her own way by befriending the toilet attendant. DDs school had cleverly placed a trained counsellor in the toilets where the kids would run too if overwhelmed. She was an absolute godsend to DD on bad days.

Discuss homework targets etc. This was an area of major stress for my DD to the point of frequent hysterical meltdowns, that left her exhausted & ill. I found that a copy of the marking list, which was a clear breakdown of what she had to do/include in her work to achieve the various grades allowed her more control. She found writing tge piece she wanted, then going back & padding it out with the points she missed gave a structure fir her to work to that helped her feel less stressed.

Seat at front of class & with a quieter group. Moved into quieter classes if possible.

Lunch pass that allows her to miss the queues & noise at lunchtime.

In some cases allowed to leave class a few minutes early to miss the crowds in the corridors changing class.

Would she benefit from a fiddle toy?? These help mine to focus. She now has rings that are fiddle toys so again not obvious

Does school have any yoga classes?? This can help her control things a lot, especially the breathing techniques. Which helps their confidence.

SENCO support - sit with them & your DD to work out a plan fir her

How does her school uniform feel to her?? Mine really struggled with rough, or stiff fabrics & it was a big distraction to her, so confessions here could help too.

Get your GP on side to support any requests & referrals to CAHMs for assessment etc

Push for assessment for extra exam time, rest breaks, quiet room. They'll likely refuse if she's doing well in class, but remind them that you thought it was about allowing DS to reach "their full potential" not just about meeting school targets. Use examples of any G&T etc when she was younger. This got my DD assessed after initially being turned down, even though it was teachers who suggested applying🙄 & they apologised for not realising just how much she struggled with processing, panic attacks etc in exams & class. She still needed anxiety medication to get her through GCSEs, but after years of feeling frustrated & unhappy with her results as she knew she could do more. She was very happy with her GCSE results

Do you have a local Wellbeing Metal Health Service? You can self refer your DD there & she can be assessed & access counselling that way too.

I wouldn't worry too much about the lack of friendships just yet, unless your DD is unhappy about it of course. Mine was overwhelmed in school & so actually couldn't cope with the additional stress of friendships. When she had better support & felt calmer in school, that all came naturally & she's ended up with a small group of close friends who are all more alternative like she is.

Mines much calmer in college though. I've now realised just how stressed she was with sticking to school rules & dress codes, especially ones she didn't agree with.

Good luck

I was homeschooled for year 6 to partway through year 8. If you do take your DD out of school I recommend that you ensure she still has social connections to kids her own age through homeschooling or clubs.
It was very strange going back to school and finding that everyone had matured a lot faster than me.

We are keeping her off again today as her anxiety is still too high to go back.

Last night DD expressed interest in another school we hadn't considered previously as its a bit further away, though she gets on the same bus as a number of its students. It's got a big focus on technology and the sciences (her favorite subjects) and she seemed relatively positive at the idea of transferring and giving it a go there as a step before home schooling. It seems to have strong pastoral support and as its a Catholic school maybe more disciplined? (maybe being naive here as I know little about faith schools)

Hypothetically speaking, does anyone know what the chances of getting a transfer mid year 7 are?

The mid year transfer shouldn't be a problem if the schools accept your DD. This might be more difficult though as it's a Catholic school, so admissions have different rules.

If you look on the school website you should be able to find their entry criteria, if you are Catholic Church goers then it will be much easier, otherwise push the suspected ASD & make sure you are backing this up with a trip to the GP for a referral, so you can say "waiting on ASD assessment" here the catholic schools do make room for SN kids. You could always ring the school & ask too

Behaviour can vary I'm sure, but our local Catholic schools isn't known fir good behaviour & from friends with kids there it seems to have a bad rep for bitchy girls too

I'd recommend seeing/talking to yr GP if you are keeping her off too. It's always best to have their backing against any negativity from the school. It's good fir your GP to know the extent of DDs problems too. Our GP has been a godsend at times with letters kicking the schools ass there needed

You can call the other school and see if it has places. If so, you should be able to apply for an in-year transfer. It being a Catholic school shouldn't be an issue as they have to take children from other faiths by law.

Her GP appointment is on Monday but as predicted I am now being called by the attendance officer at some point today. It causes me such stress. She's off so much because after one day in school she needs two to recover from the upset! Feeling a bit weepy this morning to be honest. I want my happy DD back .

Huge sympathies OP as it must be horrendous to watch your beloved daughter experience such distress, especially after you have gone to such efforts to fix it for her. My overriding instinct is that you should remove her from school, deregister and home school. I appreciate that that is not an easy route to go down, and may not give her the same level of education she would receive in school, but honestly I think her mental and emotional wellbeing is more important. The best education in the world is rendered useless if a young person has had their confidence and mental health wrecked by a setting that is wrong for them. From everything you write about her she has the academic ability to flourish in a home schooling setup, and much better for her to be happy, relaxed and not a shadow of herself. I really hope I’m not labouring the point, but I have seen so many young people in my career who have suffered immensely from the pressures of conventional schooling and had all sorts of mental health issues as a result. No grade or qualification is worth that.

Sending you strength during what must be an incredibly difficult time for you all.

Could I home school her whilst remaining on a waiting list for a school with stronger pastoral support? I'm not sure how it works now as when I went through this the first time she was in year 6 going in to year 7.

Thank you Puddle, and to everyone else for your ongoing kind words and support. I (and DD of course!) have had a rough couple of days and the new area we moved to is very isolating, so this thread has been a lifesaver!

Following
My grandson is now in his third school in 6 months.

it's so difficult and it's a constant struggle to decide on the best course of action for them.

Maybe take the call with the attendance officer as an opportunity to see what support they're aware of. In theory they're supposed to help you get your DC back into school, not just supposed to harass you for lack of attendance.

Just seen your post about the Catholic school she has expressed an interest in. It does sound like a positive option to explore but I do worry that it might be setting her up for failure / a further knock to her confidence if she struggles in that setting too. If you do decide to get her a place there (and are successful) my instinct would be to home school for a few months to build her back up emotionally and then aim to start her in year 8. This would give you and the school time to address some of the issues which she would struggle with whatever the setting - namely related to her possible ASD. Just my two pennies worth.

In retrospect I wish I’d pulled my Dd out of secondary school. I’ve no experience of home schooling but looking back it did more harm than good to keep sending her in 😢 If there’s another option, then do consider it.

You might want to look at a managed move OP

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/managed-moves/

It's normally implemented by a school as an alternative to permanent exclusion.

There is also something I can't remember the term for where a child attends another school for a limited time.

Two things to remember

Your dd has a RIGHT to an education and the school / LEA etc have a duty of care to her.