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Original poster

DD is so unhappy at school. Don't know what to do.

207 replies

MayorMumbum · 26/11/2019 06:12

Some of you may remember my panicked threads from a few months ago about DD and her school situation. Sadly we're in a bad situation again Sad.

I had to remove my DD from primary school for the last six months of year 6. She was getting bullied very badly and had lost all confidence and developed trichotillomania as a result of the stress (pulling her hair out). She is still having issues with severe anxiety/insomnia even now.

We home schooled for a while then moved house to give her a fresh start and managed to get her in to a good high school with a good reputation just in the nick of time. I had really thought things were going to be okay.

It has been a nightmare. She has been bullied by various different children from the first week. She broke down last night completely and said she cannot deal with the stress/noise and the constant fighting. She explained she feels like the year 7 "victim" Sad. And yesterday for no reason a boy ripped her headphones out of her ears and phone on the bus. It really shook her up.

I'm beginning to see some signs that DD may be on the autistic spectrum, namely Aspergers. There's a lot of it in our family and she seems to fit many of the symptoms so I think she's struggling for several reasons.

She hasn't made a single real friend and spends most lunchtimes alone. She is incredibly unhappy and I really think this will be the same issue no matter which school she goes to. She just isn't coping emotionally and I don't know what to do.

She is beautiful, kind and academically advanced but no matter what I do/she does, she never seems to make friends and she is being constantly verbally abused/harassed. I've been on the phone to the head of year seven times since September who basically told me "I can't force children to like her".

It's breaking my heart Sad.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 06/12/2019 19:43

That’s what I would do. Don’t send her back to the school which is causing her distress. Find out about lessons at home whilst she’s off, ask on here for advice if need be. Also not that long until Christmas break.

Try new school in Jan that she feels positive about and see how she is.

Dowser · 06/12/2019 19:44

Following my grandson is in his third school in 6 months
He’s 9

My daughter home schools
Always has done
The eldest , 15 has just done first year of gcse prep in maths, English and science one day a week at a local college for home edded children only ( those classes not the whole college)

One mum provides extra science in her home
Is there anything like that in your area
I think it’s a good idea to remove her from school environment completely so her trauma can subside

So many of my school friends went into teaching. Some become headmistresses and all of them said school is not necessarily the best environment for all children

You have to put your daughter first. She’s too precious to grind her through the machine.

What’s going to happen with grandson from other family I don’t know
We are running out of schools

Dowser · 06/12/2019 19:49

Oh and btw... don’t worry about being able to teach them everything... once the trauma dies down she will graduate to what she really wants to do.
Amongst the home edders, the eldest taught himself to read and play the guitar and ukelele.. he has about 5 guitars now

The next oldest is 12 and is teaching himself Japanese
He would have really struggled at school
He didn’t become a proficient reader till at least aged 9
The youngest my granddaughter is 10
She was reading before her elder brother

They are all lovely children and all incredibly bright and intelligent

Children learn all the time and learn better when the pressure is off

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 06/12/2019 19:57

She sounds really like my dd, I don't know how but kids seem to instinctively know that she's different and secondary age kids are brutal 😥

We're going down the diagnosis route as I hope that will help get her more support at school. She's in year 9 and things have been a bit easier, she has made a couple of 'friends' (I think these are girls similar to her that will hang out together at lunchtime, there's no contact outside of school.)

I really feel for you op and your dd, my advice is get a diagnosis (start with GP but you maybe able to self refer to the Speech and language team, ask for dd to be seen as she has difficulty communicating with peers/social difficulties.)

In your shoes I'd be really tempted to pull her out of school for a bit, focus on building her confidence and only put her back when you're confident she'll get support.

Kittykat93 · 06/12/2019 20:00

I'm glad you are taking her out of that school op. I moved schools in year 9 due to bullying and the same thing happened at my new school. I was suicidal, ended up taking an overdose at 15. But was still sent back to that school. It's affected my life in many ways. I have a son now who is only 2 and my biggest fear is him starting school. If he ever (God forbid) suffers like I did I would take him out and honeschool in a heartbeat. I nearly died from bullying. It's that serious. I wish you and your daughter all the best wishes in the world. Flowers

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 06/12/2019 20:07

This managed move means it's a trial run at the new school for six to twelve weeks so she is in effect, enrolled at both schools. I think our plan is, if for whatever reason she doesn't settle at this new school then we will go down the home school route rather than send her back to her current one. She just isn't going to cope there.

OP posts:
Original poster
MayorMumbum · 08/12/2019 22:40

Sorry to keep posting but in need of yet more advice.

I'm waiting on a call tomorrow about her move to the new school which I'm almost certain won't take place until January.
DD is desperate not to go back to her current school for these last two weeks. She, in her own words, feels that dying would be better and she feels really unsafe there Sad.
She's already had huge amounts of time off, probably close to ten days so I'm not sure what to do/what to say to the school. I want to make the move as easy as possible and cooperate fully but she is so desperate not to go back. I've never known her to be this unhappy.

OP posts:
dappledsunshine · 08/12/2019 22:45

I've been following your posts op and no I wouldn't send her back.

Ring the gp first thing tomorrow and ask then to sign her off sick for the next couple of weeks.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 08/12/2019 23:10

Can GPs sign children off sick in the same way they do adults? I'm not sure ours would. We're new to the practice and the Dr can be difficult.
I'm thinking the worst that could happen is they could fine us?

OP posts:
Original poster
MayorMumbum · 08/12/2019 23:12

It's just two weeks then she could have a break over Christmas and be stronger and ready for the new school. I have taken her to the GP in the last week who has referred her to cahms/asd assessment.

OP posts:
ysmaem · 08/12/2019 23:29

The reply from the HOY is appalling. The HOY should be working with you to help your DD and not just brushing you off. I'd probably bypass the HOY and aim for for the headmaster and if you're still being fobbed off then you keep complaining to higher authority. Another tip; when you make a complaint and Express your concerns always give the complaint in writing. Give them a copy and keep one for yourself. You could even ask for them to tell you what they plan to do about the situation in writing also. I find, in my experience anyways, that you get taken a little more seriously when there's a written account of what's happened. I also suggest reaching out to the school nurse or GP if you haven't already, if you suspect asperger's then its important to get assessed. Good luck OP.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 09/12/2019 09:04

I've kept her home today. She is not going to cope with going back there so we'll see how they respond.
I'm not sending her back to a place where she doesn't feel safe.

OP posts:
user838383 · 09/12/2019 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 09/12/2019 09:13

I will be doing that if her new school doesn't work out. My main concern at the moment is keeping the school off of our back over her attendance. She feels sick and terrified at the idea of going back and I'm hoping we can manage to keep her at home until the new term starts in January.
We have no idea what is going on really.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 09/12/2019 09:13

No don’t send her in to her current school

Original poster
MayorMumbum · 09/12/2019 09:18

I'm just really worried about what the consequences will be.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 09/12/2019 09:20

I know I don’t know what the school will do. But if you can get a sick note from Dr then surely it’s like any other illness that prevents her going to school.

Hopefully someone will post who knows more

nowlook · 09/12/2019 09:27

@MayorMumbum

I really feel for you. We had a similar situation with DS1 in year 7 (albeit without the traumatic year 6 experience your DD endured). It's unbearable when every morning starts with headaches or upset stomachs.

We were lucky that we could move him back to his prep school for the remainder of year 7 and 8 and he recovered quickly.

We were prepared to home school if necessary, but like you were worried about being able to cover certain aspects of the curriculum (we're in rural Derbyshire).

It was exactly this time of year. He never returned to the old school and, once he knew he didn't have to, he was like a different boy.

Best of luck.

nowlook · 09/12/2019 09:35

@MayorMumbum

Assuming you're not in Scotland, all you need to do to stop the absence clock running is to inform the current school that you want DD's name removed from the register. You can home school for so long as necessary before the next school (if there is to be a next school).

Illeana · 09/12/2019 09:44

I was your DD. My mum just ignored my distress and forced me to go to school. It caused lifelong MH issues. Sometimes I think about what happened and I still cry, and I’m 40. I have issues with trusting people and I have panic attacks when I see teens in school uniform.

Please consider home educating, in the long run her GCSE grades won’t matter as long as they’re sufficient to get into college. Focus on developing her social skills with extra curricular activities, don’t let her be completely isolated.

nowlook · 09/12/2019 10:17

Lots of helpful up to date advice on the law here:

edyourself.org/

It can be a bit of a minefield, because it's contained in various statues, statutory instruments, guidance and LA policies local to you.

heidbuttsupper · 09/12/2019 10:36

If you are able to @MayorMumbum please home school your daughter. I was bullied in secondary school, beaten up, spat on, had everyone turned against me, rumours made up about me, called such dreadful names, had my bag stolen. So many other things. My parents claimed it was my fault. I am 35 now and I never recovered from this. I also did not have children as the thought of putting them through what I went through was horrific.

woodpigeons · 09/12/2019 10:50

I'm in a similar situation and am so sorry you and your dd are going through this op.
Whatever happens I suggest applying for DLA for dd. You don't have to have a diagnosis to get it.
The form is a bit of a minefield and I found CAB very helpful in knowing the best way to fill it in.
Once dd has it you can then apply for carer's allowance for you.
These two benefits would give you some financial flexibility.

norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 10:55

home school.

deregister today.

norfolkforever · 09/12/2019 10:59

why does she NEED to try another school in January OP? what she needs is some downtime. Try homeschooling till say Feb 1/2 term? We online school ds. It started in september with a feeling of stopping oct 1/2 term if needed. It works so well, its permanent now.

show dd the deregistration letter. That`ll make it more real. Ds went in 1 last day to visit, say bye to teachers etc. best thing we did for him.